Chapter 27
Caitlyn
Being safe and feeling completely safe are two very different things, I realize as I sit on the bed in the room provided for me.
I know the men here, especially Hemlock, Ace, and Jericho would lay down their lives to protect their women, and I would benefit from that just by sheer proximity.
I can't say, even with how devastated Roman looked when he entered the house, that he'd do the same for me, but I also know it's ridiculous to expect something like that from a man I hardly know.
There wasn’t a second when he had his arms wrapped around me that I felt threatened or had any desire for him to release me, and I think that scares me more than the fear I would've felt if he were anyone else.
It's awful wanting something I know I'll never be allowed to have. I anticipate a conversation with both Mr. Hart and Nolan about crossing professional and personal boundaries, but thankfully, there hasn't been a knock on the bedroom door just yet .
Roman gave me exactly what I needed when he spotted me when he came inside the house, but hindsight is always twenty-twenty, and I realize now that maybe the embrace went a little too far, especially for it to have happened in front of so many witnesses.
You could hear a pin drop in the room, telling me without having to look around that we were the center of attention. It's something I've always hated, but it almost didn't even register when his arms were around me. I managed to keep my gaze down when we exited the room, but the uncertainty of what was to come next has kept me in the bedroom long after the sun came up earlier.
I blow out a rough breath when my stomach grumbles for what seems like the millionth time. I'm starving, but in my haste to pack clothes, I only packed kibble for Kiva. I know they probably wouldn't have any issue with me grabbing something from the kitchen, but at the same time, it feels incredibly awkward to just go downstairs and make myself at home. I don't want to step on any toes and disrespect the graciousness that has already been offered to me.
Kiva yips, and I know she's demanding breakfast herself. It's what makes me move into action. She needs to go outside for a bathroom break before she eats.
"Fine," I mutter as I climb off the bed.
Having dressed in a fresh change of clothes earlier, all I have to do is grab her bag of kibble and her bowl before opening the bedroom door.
I stick my head out the door, looking up and down the hallway. When I find it empty, I take a step out of the room, waiting for Kiva to cross the threshold before closing the door again. I don't run into a soul as I descend the stairs, but I hear voices coming from the kitchen.
Warm smiles and hellos greet me the second I step into the open floor plan kitchen.
"Ms. Caitlyn!" Eli yelps as he drops down from the barstool he was sitting at to eat his breakfast.
I nearly drop the bowl and kibble as he collides with me for a hug.
"Can I walk Kiva this morning?"
"Eli," Aspen says, her voice a little exasperated.
"I finished my breakfast," he assures his mother, releasing me and running back to his bowl.
She gives him a smile as he tilts it to show her that the food is mostly gone.
"If Ms. Caitlyn doesn't mind, then I'm fine with it," Aspen says.
Nolan stands from his spot, making his way toward the back door. The man will give his son anything he wants.
"Saves me from getting frostbite," I say as Eli rushes to place his breakfast dishes in the sink before running toward the back door, where Nolan is already holding out the child's winter coat.
The leash is scooped up next, Kiva already waiting at their feet with her tail wagging.
I almost regret letting Eli take over the dog duties because it leaves me standing awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by people with nothing to do.
"I made waffles, eggs, and bacon," Cora says, pointing toward the spread on the counter. "The eggs are scrambled, but I can fry some if you prefer."
"Thank you," I whisper, a lump forming in my throat. "Scrambled is perfect."
When was the last time someone cooked food with me in mind? I can't recall a single time in my adult life.
I fight emotions, telling myself she didn't do it specifically for me, that others were also involved, and it's exactly what it takes not to get overly emotional in front of people I barely know.
"Coffee is fresh also," Zeus says, his bright green eyes shining in my direction as he points to the coffee pot .
I try not to think about this man and the fact that he has seen me completely naked and strapped to a cross in the middle of a sex club while strangers ran their hands over my body. When I chance a look in his eyes, I find his locked onto mine rather than running the length of my body and imagining what he has already seen.
I make a plate and pour so much coffee into a mug that I nearly spill it on my way to the table, but I'm going to need so much caffeine today just to keep my eyes open.
As tired as I was yesterday evening, I spent the night tossing and turning, half wishing Roman would knock on my door and the other half worried that someone else might try to enter the room.
I'm halfway through my coffee and completely done with breakfast when the back door opens with a burst of frigid air.
Eli's smile is so wide it makes one form on my face. His cheeks are red from the blustery weather, and the tip of his nose is turning pink.
"She melted the snow with her pee!" the child yells, making everyone in the room chuckle. "And her poop—"
"Eli," Nolan warns, making the child freeze.
He looks at his dad, and I can see the doubt in his eyes, as if he's afraid that something bad will happen.
The child works through those thoughts, a look of relief coating his face when he realizes he's safe. It tells me there was a time when he wasn't, and that breaks my chest right open.
"We don't talk about bathroom stuff in mixed company," he tells his dad.
"That's right," Nolan tells him as he crouches down and unclips Kiva's leash. "She needs breakfast."
"I'm on it!" the little boy says, approaching me so he can grab her food and bowl. "One scoop or two for breakfast?"
"Just one," I tell him as he grabs the items.
"And another one in the evening," he says, recalling how much she got yesterday evening for dinner.
"That's right," I praise. "You're a natural dog caregiver."
Eli smiles up at his dad, and I grin when the man looks toward Aspen as if he's just proven a point.
My attention is pulled from the little family when Roman walks into the kitchen. The air leaves the room when his eyes land on mine. He glances from me to Zeus, who opted to sit right across from me, and I spot the slightest narrowing of his eyes before he moves his attention to the coffee pot.
He looks no more rested than I feel, and I find it impossible to pull my eyes from him. Once again, just like yesterday evening, the room grows silent, and I know everyone is waiting to see how we respond to each other. It feels very juvenile, as if it's something that would happen in high school. Like everyone is standing around watching so they can gossip about it when we're no longer around.
I stand as he backs away from the coffee pot, carrying my dishes to the sink. I give them a quick wash before turning back to face the room, spotting Roman's back as he leaves the kitchen.
I don't bother to meet anyone's eyes as I leave as well. He's halfway up the stairs before I can make it to the bottom of them.
I keep my eyes pinned to his back, turning down the opposite hallway of the room that was provided to me. I have no doubt I would've been the one to knock on his door last night if I knew which room was his.
Darkness coats me when I step inside his room, the blinds and blackout curtains denying the sun access to his space. I wonder if there are times he has to work late into the night, requiring him to sleep during normal waking hours, but before I can form a full thought, the bedroom door is slammed closed, and I'm pressed against it .
My heart is racing as his body aligns with mine, his breath on my neck.
"Is this okay?" he asks.
"Yes," I pant, in no position to have time to worry why his touch doesn't make me want to run for the hills like everyone else's does.
His teeth nip at my earlobe, making me moan with need and anticipation.
"So soft," he whispers as his hand cups my jaw.
I might actually die if the man kisses me. It's crazy to have experienced so much together without his lips ever meeting mine, but here we are.
His teeth scrape down my jaw, taking tiny nips at the skin of my throat.
His hands roam, gripping my arms and forcing them over my head before finding the hem of my shirt and lifting.
His breath is hot on my skin, coming out in puffs right next to my ear as his hand flattens on my stomach, the fingertips not wasting a second to push past the waistband of my leggings. Every muscle in my belly squeezes tight as he lowers his hand, the tips of his fingers skating right over the middle of me and making me gasp.
"Is this okay?"
"Y-yes," I pant, rolling my hips forward in an effort to make him touch me more.
His chuckle coats my skin, and for some reason, the tone of it scratches at something in the back of my mind. My body aches for what he has to offer, but there's just something about him right now. He feels distant, as if he's not right here with me experiencing the same thing.
"Do you want me to go get someone else?"
I freeze, my blood running cold with his words.
"What?" I snap, lowering my arms and pressing my palms flat to the door at my hips.
He takes a step back, his wet fingers coasting over my lower belly before he pulls them free .
"Isn't that what you like?" he asks, blinding me when he reaches and turns on a lamp. "You like lots of people with their hands all over you all the time. I can grab Zeus. I have no doubt the man wouldn’t turn you down."
"What is wrong with you?" I manage, all the while trying to choke down the threat of tears. "I don't want that at all."
"What do you want, Caitlyn?" he growls as if he's hated me his entire life and is just now having the chance to voice that animosity.
I'm floored by the sudden anger, but I'm also in touch enough with therapy to know that this probably has more to do with him than it does with me.
"I thought we were... I don't know... at the beginning of something," I manage, knowing I'm seconds away from what may be the biggest rejection of my life, but at the same time, I'd rather get the boot than keep up with something that isn't going to lead anywhere.
"This isn't that," he says, running a rough hand over the top of his head in frustration.
"You touching me is different," I confess. "Instead of wanting to crawl into a hole, I ache for your touch."
He looks away from me as if he can't bear to hear my confessions.
"I can't give you anything more than something physical, Caitlyn. I can fuck you all damn day, but it doesn't go further than that."
I know I've felt okay with his touch because there's something between us that is much deeper than that, something neither one of us understands, but I can't force this man to understand that when he isn't ready.
"I want more than that."
"I can't give it to you. I can't offer more than orgasms. I don't have anything else in me. "
I highly doubt he's being honest, but there's a reason he's fighting this connection we have, and that's his issue to work through and not something I can fix for him.
"I deserve more," I whisper, reaching for the doorknob.
"I know you do," he quickly agrees. "It can't come from me."
I swipe at a single tear, hating that I look so weak in front of him.
I open the door, swallowing down a sob, and bolt from the room.
He doesn't bother to follow me back to the room I've been given, and I don't know why I thought he would even try.