Chapter 29
Caitlyn
Even as a professionally educated therapist, it's nearly impossible to take a step back and evaluate something fully when you're the one right in the middle of it.
An outsider might say that Roman's reaction was jealousy, and that might be true to a point, but there were no flirty vibes coming off Zeus yesterday. The man didn't so much as wink at me.
Despite being jealous, it didn't stop Roman from speaking his truth. If the man knows he can't give me what I want then I commend him for being honest about it.
The problem is it has come a little too late. I already feel attached to the man, and as toxic as I know it to be, I can't just turn that switch off. I wasn't supposed to feel any sort of way, but it's not something I seem to be able to control after the way he affects my body and my mind. I haven't spent a lot of time searching for the person who doesn't trigger any of my fight-or-flight reflexes. I've been working on myself, internalizing my issues, and trying to work through them, but then he came along. Rather than having to squeeze my eyes shut and breathe through the discomfort, I crave his touch.
He doesn't make me want to run for the hills.
He makes me want to curl into him like a sleepy cat and rub my entire body along his hands.
I want his mouth on my skin, his tongue teasing the most delicate parts of my body.
I want the warmth of his breath on my neck and whispers of all the things he’s capable of doing to me in my ear.
I want him.
And I guess it's par for the course, something I should be used to by now because he doesn't want me.
As a therapist, I know better than to internalize his rejection. It has more to do with him than it does me, but knowing that doesn't take the sting of it away.
I've told him what I need from him, and it's not something he can give me. He was truthful, and I need to find a way to be okay with that.
But... It's impossible. Especially with being in the same house with him and knowing I could run into him at any given minute. It's the main reason I've stayed mostly secluded in the room they've given me for the time being .
When I told them I was going to go home, they urged me to stay there long enough for them to set up a security system at my house, and I know that's supposed to make me feel better, but I doubt it actually will. I have serious intentions of moving out of that house, but I know that will take time. I just pray nothing happens to me before I can make the transition to a new place.
The knock on the door startles me, making me jolt. When I look down at Kiva, she doesn't even bother to lift her head. She simply moves her eyes in that direction. I don't know if she's getting sick or if she just feels so comfortable and safe here that she doesn't feel the need to alert me to a possible intruder. It doesn't bode well for when we return home.
I climb off the bed, running my hands over my hair in case it's Roman and he has changed his mind about where we stand. I frown at the sight of Zeus standing in the hallway.
"Not the reception I was expecting," he mutters as I look up at him.
The guy is a giant, and although he could probably bench-press me with one arm, there's no fear where he's concerned. I don't want him to touch me, and I make every effort to avoid that from happening, but I don't feel like I'm in danger around him.
He has kind green eyes that shine with humor right now even as he expresses his disappointment in my reaction.
"Sorry," I whisper. "I'm a little on edge with everything that has happened."
Of course, I'm including my fallout with Roman, but it's not something I'd go into detail with him. Hell, I feel so dejected and jaded right now, there's a good chance I won't even bring it up in my next session with Dr. Moore.
"That's understandable," he says taking another step back to give me some room. "I'm here for your lesson."
I snap my eyes up to him, my mind racing with a million things.
"Lesson? "
Does Roman think I need what I was putting myself through at the club, and he has sent someone else here to tie me up and touch me?
I swallow the jagged lump forming in my throat.
"Shooting," Zeus says, and it makes me even more confused.
"Shooting what?"
"A paper target to start," Zeus replies. "I don't think you're quite ready for a live target yet."
I cringe at the idea of shooting something to kill it.
"You have no idea what I'm talking about," he mutters. "I figured Jersey would've let you know."
"It hasn't been mentioned to me," I say trying my best to sound diplomatic.
"Come with me," he says. "Let the dog roam the house. I don't have ear protection for a dog, and it's going to be loud."
I step out of my room, leaving the door cracked so Kiva can get out if she decides to get up from her nap anytime soon, and follow Zeus down the hallway toward the stairs.
I keep my eyes locked on his back, fighting the urge to look toward Roman's room, celebrating in my head when we make it to the staircase without my eyes darting in that direction.
"We're doing it here?" I ask when he opens a door in the kitchen that leads down to the basement.
"Where else would we go?" Zeus asks right before he takes the first step downward. "We built a one-lane shooting range here at the cabin. We have to keep our skills in prime fighting condition."
I've heard hints more than once about what they do, but not one person has sat me down and explained exactly what it is that they're involved in. I get the feeling it's a need-to-know basis, and I'll never be in a position that requires me to know anything about it.
I look around the room, shocked to see something akin to a glass cage with a long lane along the far wall. When he mentioned building one, I never expected it to look so professional. It's very similar to the gun ranges I've seen on police procedural shows I like to watch, if only a lot smaller.
He holds the door open for me, the length of his long arm enough so I can step inside and not brush his chest, but the inside of the lane is very small, and the second the door closes us inside, I begin to feel a little claustrophobic.
"I'm not going to touch you," he says as if he can read my mind.
I nod my head, clamping my hands together and wringing my fingers, both grateful he's been warned and feeling a little under the microscope that someone has spoken to him about my fears.
"I'm going to give you some basic instruction, and when you get the hang of it, I'll take a step outside and watch through the window. Okay?"
I nod my head.
"Have you ever shot a gun before?"
I shake my head, not trusting my voice at the moment.
"It's okay. They're not very complicated. I've been instructed to provide you with a small handgun, so that's what you're going to be practicing with. I'll explain everything in detail, but I want you to stop me if you're confused or if it's too overwhelming and need to take a break."
"Okay," I whisper, pulling in a deep breath and somehow feeling a sense of calm wash over me with the scent of gunpowder coating the walls in the room.
Zeus proceeds to pick up a handgun. The thing looks like a toy in his hands as he turns it over and explains all the parts of it .
I'm surprised by the weight of it when he hands it to me. I hold it in my palm, trying to get used to the idea that if I get into trouble, I might actually have to use it against a human being. It doesn't sit well with me, but neither does the idea of getting hurt by refusing to defend myself.
The lesson continues, and I'm shaking harder than ever when I fire my first shot, thankful he only put one bullet in the gun.
I drop it to the platform in front of me, staring down at the thing.
"You did well. Take a few breaths and let's try again."
I close my eyes and breathe, unconcerned about how crazy I might look to him.
"Where do I aim to injure rather than kill?" I ask, my mouth dry from the heavy breathing. "The arm or the leg? Something like that?"
I look over at Zeus when he doesn't immediately answer me to find him frowning.
"It's harder to hit a person than you think. It's best to aim for the largest part of their body which is their torso. You may have seen shows where people can shoot a gun out of someone's hands or they're able to hit a kneecap to stop someone, but that's rarely the case."
"Are you saying you can't shoot someone in the leg?"
He pulls in a deep breath before responding. "My skill level has taken many years of practice and training. It's not something you're going to be able to acquire today. I don't want someone to have the chance to get the upper hand over you while you're trying to shoot them in the arm or leg. If they do that, then they'll have your gun."
The idea of my own weapon being turned against me almost makes me not want to have one in the first place. It means I could be shot and killed, but then I recall who drove past my house and the things that man said to me at the club, and it makes me realize that there are much worse things than death that can be done to me .
"Torso," I say. "Got it."
The lesson continues and my confidence grows with every pull of the trigger. Zeus has to remind me more than once to keep my finger off the trigger until I'm ready to shoot, and it feels like we're down here for hours before he tells me that he thinks I'm ready.
I don't know what exactly I'm getting ready for, but even knowing how to shoot, the idea of having to use a gun still freaks me out.
***
"Maybe this isn't the best idea," I mutter as we turn onto my street.
I was adamant that I wanted to go home, but fear is alive inside of me and this isn't even the trip where I'll be left there.
Zeus said he wanted to check on the installation of the security system at my house, and since I hadn't left the cabin in two days, it sounded like a good idea. I was thinking the fresh mountain air would help me clear my head after hours of breathing in gunpowder.
I was wrong.
"Are you okay?"
I shake my head but I don't verbally answer.
The SUV slows to a stop, Zeus rolling down his window and waving the person behind us around the vehicle.
"I like you."
I snap my head in his direction.
"What?"
He pulls in a deep breath, letting the air puff out his cheeks before it slips past his lips.
"I like you. Like... like you-like you."
"Zeus," I begin but he holds his hand up to silence me.
"I don't need a rejection to know that you and Jersey have a thing. I felt how weird it was in the kitchen yesterday morning when he came in, but I figured I'd need to let you know in case there might be a chance."
I turn my head, staring out the window as I try to gather my thoughts. The cabin is full of decent guys, but rejection is never easy on anyone.
"We don't... have a thing," I assure him. "But I'm not in the market for any type of relationship either. I'm working on myself right now."
"Okay," he says as if that's all it took, and then he pulls away from the curb, driving forward only a hundred feet or so to reach my driveway.
Roman is standing on my front porch glaring at us as we pull into the driveway, and I wonder if Zeus stopped right in his line of sight on purpose, knowing it would piss him off.
The sight of anger in Roman's eyes makes me livid. The man has no right to have an opinion about anything I do in my life, but I'd never flirt with Zeus and lead him on just to get back at a man who has already voiced the fact that he doesn't want anything more than a physical relationship with me.
I hesitate getting out of the SUV, choosing instead to glare at Roman who has no problem holding my gaze, that is until Zeus gets out of the vehicle, then all of his attention is on the other man.
I swear I'll lose my shit if he starts a fight or acts territorial and possessive over me right now. He had his chance.
I shove open the passenger side door and step out, looking up at my house and noticing a man on a tall ladder doing some sort of electrical work. Then I notice the small camera he's installing.
"You're not going to hide the cameras?" I ask Roman as I approach, giving him one chance to keep his problems to himself .
"Why would we do that? We want to prevent someone from going into your house not catch them doing it."
It makes perfect sense, and I'd prefer whoever is slinking around my house to stay outside for sure.
"Want to tell me about your fucking smoke detectors?"
I snap my eyes in his direction. "What? Do they need new batteries?"
"They didn't have fucking batteries, Caitlyn. Do you have any idea how fucking dangerous that is? Just like your goddammed windows being unlocked," he growls. "You're a sitting fucking duck. You might as well be waving a fucking flag begging people to come hurt you."
"Are you-"
"I think that's a little harsh," Zeus says, taking up a position between the two of us.
I take a step back when his jacket brushes my hand.
"Don't touch her," Roman growls when he notices the distance I have to create.
"Not gonna touch her, but you're sure as fuck not going to treat her like shit right in front of me either, brother. Do we need to go to the store to get batteries?"
Roman grumbles something under his breath, his eyes on me the second I step out from behind Zeus. He does a sweep of my body, and although there's nothing sexual to his perusal, it doesn't stop my body from reacting that way.
I swallow and pull my eyes from his.
"We have batteries, and going to have these guys hard wire them as well. I have fifteen cameras, and I plan to have every single one installed," Roman says, his voice a little calmer now than it was just moments ago.
"Sounds like you have it all in hand," Zeus says. "We'll get out of your hair. "
Roman doesn't argue, and I don't hesitate to go right back to the SUV, settling inside and focusing on getting my hands to work so I can click my seatbelt into place.
When I look up at the house just as Zeus is pulling out of the drive, I spot Roman on the front porch standing exactly the same way he was when he arrived, only now he looks even more pissed.
"He's hateful," I mutter. "It's no big deal about the stupid smoke detectors."
"It's a big deal to him," Zeus mutters.
"I'm not his responsibility. He doesn't-" I snap my mouth closed before I disclose more than I should.
What has happened between Roman and me isn't anyone else's business, and I’d never put Zeus in a situation where he'd feel like he had to choose between the two of us.
"His wife and twin boys died in a house fire," he says as he pulls out onto the street.
I don't respond. There's nothing I can say that will change anything, but that doesn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks all the way back to the cabin. I knew there was some form of tragic backstory where his wife was concerned, but I never imagined the man suffered such a great loss.
No wonder he's incapable of getting close to someone else.