Chapter 13
ERIC
This was the perfect night. It wouldn’t be long before fall started tightening its grip on Maine and the temperature would start to drop just like the leaves.
Right now, though, the stubborn late summer warmth still held on.
The mornings sparkled with frost, but the afternoons only warranted a T-shirt and maybe a light jacket.
Now, as the sun was inching toward the tips of the hills in the west, the air was cooler but not uncomfortably so.
In a few more nights, I’d probably have to light the firepit if I wanted to sit outside.
Tonight, the lingering warmth of the day was fine, and I wasn’t cold at all as I sat out on the dock.
The colder nights also meant fewer mosquitoes were still buzzing around by this time of year. During the summer, I’d need bug spray and citronella candles to sit out here, and even then, the bites would come.
No candles or firepit needed tonight. The only fire I needed was the glowing tip of the joint I’d been smoking since I’d come out here.
The joint was currently resting on the rim of the glass ashtray, and the thin wisp of smoke had died away a few minutes ago.
That was fine—there was a cheap BIC lighter lying beside the ashtray if I wanted to light up again.
For now, I was content with what little I’d smoked. Sitting back in one of the deck chairs, I basked in… well, everything. The lightness of my head. The way the smoke seemed to cloud over the thoughts I didn’t want to linger on right now. The soft slosh of water lapping gently against the dock.
The view was gorgeous, too. The lake was glass smooth, reflecting the changing colors of the clouds and the sky as the sun went down. The shore was lined with a mix of tall evergreens and cabins much like this one. Some of their windows were dark. Others glowed with activity.
Earlier, a bald eagle had flown past. Maybe ten or fifteen minutes ago, some kind of waterfowl I couldn’t quite identify—too far away—had cruised past, leaving a triangle of gentle wake that had since dissipated.
The serenity of the moment—both from my surroundings and the weed—was almost alien after the recent chaos.
I hadn’t realized just how much I’d needed to come to this place until I was here, out on this dock, my ears nearly ringing from the lack of upheaval and conflict.
I wasn’t at peace yet, but the world around me felt peaceful.
I was more relaxed than I’d thought I would ever feel again. That seemed like a pretty good start.
Oddly, being here didn’t tug at my fresh wounds. Though I’d always been here with Selena, she’d hated this place, and being here without her felt…
It felt right. It felt like this was how things needed to be.
I was here, Selena was gone, and now that I could breathe again, I could finally start moving forward.
Getting away from work and even away from Pittsburgh was exactly what I needed for a mental reset.
Being at a place my ex-fiancée hated so I could start getting over her—being here with the man she’d cheated on me with, no less—was oddly poetic.
Or maybe that was just the weed talking. Whatever. I felt good, so I wasn’t going to question it.
Behind me, the sliding glass door opened, then shut. I closed my eyes and listened to Jesse’s footsteps as he came down the boardwalk and onto the dock. “Mind if I join you?”
I looked up at him and smiled. “Sure. Have a seat.”
He returned the smile, which sent a rush of warmth through me. Wood creaked as he eased onto the other deck chair. “Man, it’s really nice out here.”
“It is.” I shifted my gaze back to the water. “Every time I come here, I end up sitting out here and just…” I gestured at the scenery.
“I don’t blame you.”
We sat in silence for a moment. Then something rustled.
There was a click, followed by a faint sizzle, and I turned just as Jesse took a drag off another joint.
I should not have been this intrigued by watching him, but I was.
He was gorgeous anyway, and there was something oddly mesmerizing about how the muscles in his cheek and jaw tightened while he inhaled, and then how they relaxed as he exhaled a thin cloud.
Joint still in hand, he sank back against the chair and gazed up at the sky. All that tension melted out of his face as he stared ahead with heavy-lidded eyes.
Somewhere deep in my mind, a thought surfaced through the smoke.
It was still so weird to be this comfortable with the man my ex had cheated with.
On some level, I was still sure I should be angry with him.
I should hate him. He was the catalyst for my wedding being canceled and my relationship ending.
Except he’d been duped just as much as I was. If it hadn’t been him, it would’ve been someone else. After all, this had apparently been a pattern with her, even if no one had thought that was a piece of information I might benefit from knowing.
Jesse hadn’t done anything wrong. Some part of me just really wanted to lash out and blame someone besides Selena. Why? Fuck if I knew.
And hell, he’d been hurt in this too. Selena had used him. She’d tried to convince him to take her back after she’d realized I was a lost cause. And when she discovered he was helping me get back on my feet…
Christ. That whole encounter in Jesse’s doorway made my blood boil.
Apparently I was still too damn sober, so I picked up the joint and lit it again. I took a deep drag and held it for a moment. When my head started to spin, I exhaled slowly. “She really knows how to hit two birds with one stone, doesn’t she? With that parting shot at your condo?”
Jesse tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“When she came by and realized I was staying with you. Then she tells you she just used you for your big dick and reminded me that mine was never enough for her.” Rolling my eyes, I raised my joint in a mock toast. “Thanks, Princess. Love you, too.”
He stared out at the water but didn’t speak. I couldn’t quite read his expression, and I didn’t think it was entirely because of the weed. His gaze was distant, his features taut; he wasn’t angry or irritated, but he wasn’t what I’d call amused either.
“You good?” I asked.
“Yeah. Yeah. Just…” He sighed. Then he picked up his joint, pulled in a lungful of smoke, and like me, he held it for a moment.
I was way too enthralled with watching his lips part and the thin stream of smoke escaping.
It brought back a lot of very pleasant memories of things that mouth could do, and I fought the urge to squirm as goose bumps sprang up along my spine.
Unaware of me drifting back to those sexy memories, Jesse said, “It wasn’t just a potshot to make me think she was using me and make you feel inadequate.”
It took my hazy brain a few seconds to cut through the smoke and catch up with what he’d said. When I did, I furrowed my brow. “What do you mean?”
Gaze still fixed on the lake, he swallowed. “The thing is, it’s something I’ve confided in her about. One of those things she knew was a tender spot.”
I studied him, trying like hell to follow. I didn’t even think it was just the weed keeping me from connecting the wires, either. Laying my joint in the ashtray, I asked, “A tender spot? How so?”
“The whole thing about…” He chewed his lip.
For a solid thirty seconds, he stared out at the lake.
Then he twisted toward me, his expression full of uneasiness and…
was that embarrassment? “Listen, I know how this sounds. Most guys, they’ll just break out the world’s smallest violin and tell me I sound like someone crying about how lonely it is being rich and famous.
But… honestly? The whole well-endowed thing…
” He gestured at his lap. “It’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. ”
I raised my eyebrows. Admittedly, my reaction normally would’ve been exactly how he described.
I mean, dude, I could only imagine how awful it must be, packing something the rest of us lesser mortals would’ve sold our souls to have.
But the way he said it gave me pause. And I felt a bit like an asshole for even thinking about rolling my eyes and saying “cry me a river” to anyone who complained about having a big dick, because he really did seem sincere.
I turned to face him more fully. “How so? If, uh… If you don’t mind me asking.”
“It’s fine,” he whispered, laying his own joint beside mine. “I brought it up, so…”
“Still. If you don’t want to, that’s cool.” I paused. “I’m just curious.” Like really, really curious, but I didn’t say that out loud.
Jesse fidgeted a little. “I mean, for starters, what Selena said. About how she was just using me? She might’ve been lashing out just because she was mad and she knew that would hurt, but the thing is—if she did mean it, she wouldn’t be the first. Not by a mile.”
“Really?”
He nodded, avoiding my gaze. “One of my exes stuck around for a good three months after she stopped liking me at all just because she liked…” He made another downward gesture.
“And then the flipside is people who are afraid to take it. Or they really like to get fucked hard, but they’re afraid to take it hard from me, so then they’re not satisfied, and…
” He sighed and waved a hand. “I’m probably the last person on earth who will ever send someone a dick pic, even if they ask for it.
They’ll either pursue me just for that, or they’ll think, nope, that’s gonna hurt, and they bail. ”
I exhaled. “Wow. I… never thought about any of those things.” With a bitter laugh, I added, “Never really had to, obviously.”
Jesse studied me. “People really make you feel that shitty about it?”
“Are you surprised?” I rubbed the back of my neck. “They’re assholes to someone packing what you have. Those of us who don’t measure up?” I grimaced. “It’s fucking brutal.”