Chapter 21
ERIC
After I finished my dinner, I wandered out to the dock for another smoke.
I didn’t usually smoke this much even when I was on vacation, but my head was a goddamned mess.
If nothing else, the weed slowed all my thoughts down enough that they wouldn’t overwhelm me.
Or at least it made me stupid enough that most of those thoughts slipped away before I could make sense of them.
Whatever—I’d take it.
For a long time, I sat out here and stared at the lake.
Ironically, this was how I’d first expected to spend this trip—alone.
But I wasn’t alone. Jesse was here. He was giving me space, which I appreciated, and he was probably struggling to make sense of this morning as much as I was.
Or maybe he’d just mentally told her to fuck off and had moved on with his life.
My phone pinged beside the ashtray. I checked it, and I wasn’t at all surprised to see another text from Selena.
Rolling my eyes, I put the phone facedown again, picked up the joint, and took a deep drag off it. I wished she’d give it a rest. I had no idea how she thought this would play out—if she actually saw me caving or whatever—but I was done with her.
She was determined, though. When I’d talked to Jesse, I hadn’t told him she’d texted several times since she’d left.
Or that I’d left her unblocked because we still had a few logistics to sort out from our lease and our wedding.
From the whole life we’d built together.
He didn’t need to know about all that. I wasn’t mad at him for accidentally leaving one of her accounts unblocked.
In fact, I envied him being able to cut her off completely; he was fortunate to not be this entangled with her.
I blew out some smoke and pressed back against the deck chair.
Watching the thin wisps fade into the crisp evening, I cursed her name for the hundredth time.
I was done. So, so done. This morning had left me off-balance for a lot of reasons.
All day long, I couldn’t shake away the constant thought of, I almost married you?
It wasn’t just that, though.
For one thing, she wasn’t the only one texting me.
My family was confused. Hers was sympathetic.
Our mutual friends were mixed. Some had definitely known more about Selena than I had, and they were apparently also familiar with her habit of trying to deflect blame by making bullshit accusations. They didn’t buy what she was selling.
Those who didn’t know her history, well… they had some choice words for me about accusing her of cheating when it turned out I’d been the cheater.
I’d responded to a few, explaining myself and the reality of the situation.
Eventually I’d just started copying and pasting the same explanation to anyone who pinged me.
After a while… I’d just stopped replying to anyone.
I was exhausted. Even exchanging messages with people who were on my side was draining.
I just wanted to move on and forget this all happened.
More than anything, though, I was rattled after this morning, and even the weed wouldn’t chase that away. Every time I replayed my confrontation with my ex, it wasn’t her words that hit me in the chest. It was the same thing I heard again and again every time I looked at Jesse:
“It turns out he means something to me.”
I winced and squeezed my eyes shut. What the hell was I supposed to do with that?
And how was I supposed to get through the rest of this trip?
I was looking forward to going out moose-watching with him tomorrow, but at the same time, it hurt just thinking about being in the same space as him.
I felt guilty for shutting him out right now.
I was a goddamned mess after what I’d said to Selena.
I just… didn’t know what I felt or what I should do.
Maybe I needed some outside advice.
Yes. Yes, that was what I needed. I had people in my life who loved and supported me, and who wouldn’t hesitate to tell me when I was being a dumbass. Exactly what the doctor ordered right now.
With some renewed determination, I put the joint on the ashtray and picked up my phone.
There were more texts, of course. I ignored them, though, and went to my contacts, where I scrolled to an ex-girlfriend from college.
Bree and I hadn’t been all that serious, and we’d figured out we were better friends than partners, so we’d broken up and stayed friends.
Selena hadn’t been happy about that. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how many of my close friends—including a handful of exes—I hadn’t talked to in a while.
She’d never told me I couldn’t talk to them, and she’d never told me to unfriend them, but she’d make it clear she didn’t like it.
And over time, I’d talked to them less and less.
I leaned forward and rubbed my forehead with the heel of my hand. Had I really believed I was happy with her? Because the more I saw who she really was, and the more I saw the impact she’d had on my life…
Jesus Christ. It had hurt to find out she was cheating, but it turned out I might’ve dodged a huge bullet.
I opened Bree’s contact to send a text. With another pang of guilt, I realized the last time I’d texted her had been almost six months ago. Just a quick birthday message, and that was that. And she’d texted me today, within minutes of Selena’s video hitting social media.
Bree
Hey are you okay?
I winced. I’d kept her at arm’s length to appease my fiancée, and she’d still been among the first to reach out with concern. And she’d been one of the few I hadn’t replied to for reasons I couldn’t even explain. Guilt? Shame? Fuck if I knew.
With my stomach knotted, I texted her now.
I’m ok. Things are nuts. Do you have time to talk?
She responded in seconds with a FaceTime request. I indulged in a relieved sigh, then accepted.
“Hey,” she said. “What’s going on?”
I blew out a breath. “Where do I even start?”
“At the beginning, I guess?”
“How much have you heard so far?”
She’d heard a few things through the grapevine—that we’d abruptly canceled the wedding, that there were rumors of infidelity, and now today’s video—and I filled her in on the rest.
“Wow,” she said when I was done. “I always knew she was a piece of work, but that’s a lot even for her.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.” She grimaced as if it was painful to even mention. “I didn’t want to interfere with your relationship, but I was worried. The way she had you under her thumb and… It was all just not good.”
My shoulders slumped. “Yeah, in hindsight, I can see a lot of that.” I rubbed the back of my neck.
“Hindsight, 20/20…” She rolled her hand.
I laughed halfheartedly. “No kidding.”
She chewed her lip, furrowing her brow as she eyed me. From her expression, I had a feeling she wanted to ask something but wasn’t sure how I’d take it. Or how to word it so it didn’t come out dickish.
I sighed. “Whatever it is—just ask. I know how the situation looks.”
Bree hesitated for another moment. Then she took a deep breath. “The guy you were with—he’s the one she cheated with, right?”
I nodded.
“And now you’re there with him. I guess… I mean, are you, you know, with him?” Her brow pinched tighter. I could hear what she wasn’t saying: Did you cheat on her with him?
A fair question, I supposed. We’d known a couple in college who’d cheated on each other with the same person.
“We aren’t—I’m not with him. We’re…” I stared out at the lake as I tried to gather my thoughts.
It wasn’t even the weed jumbling it all right now; I just wasn’t sure how to explain what we were doing.
Or what I wanted us to be doing. “When Selena’s dad said I could come here instead of going on the honeymoon, I asked Jesse if he wanted to come along.
He’s been putting me up ever since I left Selena, and he’s been through hell over this too, you know? ”
Bree nodded.
“And now that we’re here…” My shoulders sagged as I pushed out an exhausted breath. “I don’t know. The thing is, we’ve gotten pretty close. And we hooked up a few days ago, but then I pulled back because I don’t want to use him as a rebound, you know?”
She nodded again, not seeming to be the least bit surprised by anything I was telling her. What could I say? She knew me.
I went on, “Then this morning, after she stopped recording, I told him I’d handle it. Sent him back inside so he didn’t have to face her.”
“Bet he was relieved,” Bree said.
“Probably. He still feels guilty over being her sidepiece even though he had no idea. So I just—I didn’t want to pile on him, you know? I could handle her.”
“And did you?”
“I did. I told her we were done. She tried telling me that we could start over, and she said Jesse never meant anything to her.”
Bree’s eyes widened and her lips parted. “Wow. So she was just using him?”
“Or lying to me so I’d think they were just screwing.” I shrugged. “Who knows? What’s bugging me isn’t what she said—it’s what I said.”
Her eyebrows climbed higher. “What did you say?”
“I told her…” I swallowed hard. “I told her he means something to me.”
“Oh. Whoa.”
“Yeah. And it just kind of came out in the moment, but…” My throat tightened, and I had no idea how to finish that thought.
“It came out,” she said gently, “but you realized you meant it?”
I winced. “I think so, yeah.”
“You think so?”
“I mean, I barely know him. I just found out my fiancée was cheating and canceled my wedding.” I threw up my free hand. “I don’t know what I feel about anything, so what the hell am I supposed to do about him?”
“Let things happen?” Bree suggested. “Let feelings do what they’re going to do?” She shrugged. “It sounds like you’ve got a connection with this guy.”
“I do, but… how much of that is just us leaning on each other after Selena?”
“Who says it can’t be both?”
I peered at her.
She gave another shrug. “You guys fell into each other’s lives because of something bad, but that doesn’t mean it can’t turn into something good.
I mean, come on—I met Andrew because I witnessed a car crash that he’d been called out to.
” She held up her left hand and wiggled her fingers, the diamond on the third one twinkling in the light.
“Just because we met over something ugly doesn’t mean everything that came out of it has to be ugly.
And like, it’s not quite the same thing.
It’s not a perfect analogy. But you get what I’m saying, right? ”
I nodded. “Yeah. I get it. I guess I’m just afraid neither of us is in the right headspace, or that… Fuck, I don’t know.”
“Could be you just got your heart broken, and you’re afraid of it getting broken again.”
Damn. Right in the gut.
“There is that,” I admitted quietly.
“I get it, you know?” Bree said. “Relationships are scary even when everyone’s in a good place. When you’re coming off a nasty heartbreak, it’s even scarier. When both of you are coming off the same heartbreak?” She whistled, shaking her head. “But what if fear keeps you from something good?”
I pressed my lips together. She was right, and I knew it. I was terrified of taking the risk with Jesse for myriad reasons. My voice sounded small and pathetic as I said, “I’ve only known him for a little while, but I’m already afraid of losing him.”
“I know you are. But like, don’t fumble this guy because your ex ran the two of you through the wringer.” Bree wrinkled her nose. “Kind of sounds like she’s ruined enough for both of you—why let her wreck this too?”
I exhaled. “Good point.”
“Of course it is. That’s why you reached out to me.”
At that, I laughed, which made my head spin more than the weed had. “You know me too well.”
“Uh-huh. I do. And I know you’re a good guy.
” She sobered. “It sounds like he is too. So maybe you two need to talk about this. See where you both stand. Maybe you want to just be friends for a while and take it slow. Maybe you want to jump in with both feet. But don’t let it pass you by because you’re scared. ”
I was nodding as she spoke. “Yeah. You’re right. I’ll, um… I’ll talk to him.”
“Good luck. I hope it works out.”
“Me too.”
We talked for a few more minutes before ending the call. With my phone sitting silently on the table beside the ashtray and the cooled joint, I stared out at the lake and tried to collect my thoughts. She was right. Of course she was—she always was when it came to things like this.
I definitely needed to talk to Jesse. When, and how, and how it would end—no idea.
But sooner than later, Jesse and I needed to talk.