Chapter 1 #2
“All right, I take your point. To be honest, of late, I think my UFO hunting trips to the desert have been more of a distraction from my reality than anything. It’s also fun and full of possibilities.
” Felix clears his throat the way he does when he’s nervous.
“Actually, I think that’s a good segue into an issue to bring up with you that I’ve wanted to talk about for a while. ”
Uh-oh. If he’s been dragging his feet in telling me, it can’t be good.
“Go on.”
“Betty and Dan are retiring. They made me an offer to buy the clinic.”
I sit upright. “That’s great news. Isn’t it?”
He’s quiet for a beat too long.
“The thing is,” he finally says, “I’m not sure I want it.”
No joke, that floors me.
“Why not? I thought you loved working there.”
“I did at first, and I still do to some extent, but I kind of feel like I’m stagnating.
Not sure why. Although I suppose the lack of a partner or any romantic relationship in far too many years might be part of it.
Perhaps I’m experiencing an early midlife crisis, but I think I might need a change of pace and location.
Maybe leaving Vegas would help.” He swallows audibly.
“I’ve even considered maybe going to Botswana or Tanzania. ”
It’s like I can’t breathe all of a sudden.
Calm down, Gemma.
“So far?” I manage to say, my voice ragged.
“It wouldn’t be forever. Probably. All I know is I need… something else. Something new.”
Talk about a kick in the chest for more reasons than one.
What he’s saying resonates with me almost painfully.
“I’ve been a bit adrift too,” I say in a quiet voice.
“For real?” He sounds as surprised as I was when he told me his situation.
“I think I’ve been trying to ignore it. Helping people, saving lives—I still love that.
But working at the urgent care clinic is starting to feel a bit confining.
And I’m super fucking tired of having to harass insurance companies to approve necessary treatments for my patients.
It’s beyond exhausting and I’m turning more and more cynical about our health system every damn day. ”
“Oh, Gemsy, I had no idea. I’m sorry. Don’t you still do an ER weekend shift once a month?”
“Yep, and those can be really exciting. It’s just that lately, I’ve kind of been going through the motions. I work, I go home and sleep, and then I repeat the cycle. Hell, I can’t recall the last time I had a vacation, let alone a long weekend.”
“Sounds like burnout,” Felix offers.
“Maybe. I don’t know. Like you, I’m adrift and confused right now. I’ve also thought about a change of scenery in another country—preferably one with government-funded healthcare. Like New Zealand.”
It’s an idea I’ve toyed with off and on for the last few years, especially whenever I’m at my wit’s end and ready to burn down the insurance companies.
“Wow. This has been a night of revelations, huh? Perhaps our shared thinking means we need to follow our gut instincts.”
I bite my bottom lip, unable to keep the worry from my voice.
“The only thing that scares me is being so far apart. Ever since Nana and Gramps passed, we’ve only had each other.
We’ve always been about twenty minutes away, depending on freeway traffic.
I’m not sure how well either of us would adjust to not being able to see one another or talk whenever we want. ”
“That’s a big part of what’s holding me back,” he admits.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t say all that to make you feel guilty or beholden in any way.”
“You’re not. For now, I’m going to take some time to think and reflect on what it is I truly want. But don’t worry, I won’t be making any sudden or rash decisions.”
I chuckle, swiping at tears. “Good to know. I think I’ll do the same. Reflecting on my life, I mean.”
Shortly after that, we say our goodbyes and I head to bed, where I spend a long time contemplating the future while I drift into a restless sleep.
The next afternoon, my head is still full of the aftermath of the truth bombs Felix and I dropped on one another after my date from hell.
He and I are both restless and unfulfilled but changing our current situations might require us to be halfway across the world from one another for who knows how long.
I’m honestly not sure I can do it. After all, we’re the only family we both have left.
Our mother was a wild child who got herself knocked up twice—that we know of—then left us in the care of her own parents. Our unknown fathers have never been in the picture at all.
Nana and Gramps were the ones who raised and supported us in all the ways that mattered most. In essence, they were our real parents, but we lost them both five years ago, and that has left us with only each other to rely on for everything.
We’re not even sure if our biological mom is still alive.
We have no current contact information for her, and all efforts to reach her when her parents passed away resulted in nothing.
For all intents and purposes, she’s effectively dead to us.
She was never around in any meaningful way in our lives, she just so happened to have given birth to us, and that’s about it.
At least she had the sense to leave us with Nana and Gramps.
I shudder to think what would have happened to us otherwise.
“It’s a madhouse out there,” Dr. Rebecca Jones says as we sit in the staff lounge of the urgent care clinic, sipping our umpteenth cups of coffee.
My jaw cracks when I yawn.
“Stop that,” Rebecca says, mirroring my yawn.
“I can’t help it,” I groan. “My date was a disaster last night, and I didn’t sleep well.”
“Sorry the date didn’t work out.”
I wave a hand dismissively. “You know how it goes.”
“I hear that. It took me a long time to find a man I’d want to keep.” She rubs her eyes. “Geez, I’m exhausted. The last few weeks have been brutal. I swear, it seems worse than last year even—and I didn’t think that was possible.”
I slump further in my seat and let my head fall back.
“No kidding. Between the elderly folks with pneumonia or RSV and the multiple cases of flu and COVID, we’re being run ragged.
And that’s to say nothing of the other injuries and ailments people are coming in to be seen for with what feels like the speed of a factory assembly line.
” I rub my own dry, tired eyes and groan.
“Fuck, I’ll own that I’m down to my last clean pair of underwear at home, and I have nothing to eat in my fridge.
I can’t even remember when I last had enough time and energy to go to the grocery store or do laundry. ”
“At least you’re off for a few days in two more hours,” Rebecca says with transparent envy. “I’m here all night and then on again tomorrow night.”
The owners of our clinic decided not too long ago, without any real input from us, to turn it into a twenty-four-hour provider.
We’re located near enough to The Strip that we’ve been doing a brisk business with drunken tourists as well as the locals.
However, we’ve been short-staffed ever since.
Admin’s working on hiring more medical staff, but in the meantime the rest of us have been run ragged.
Yet another reason I’m contemplating a big life change.
“Not gonna lie, I’m going home to sleep. I’ll probably crash out for at least ten to twelve hours straight.”
“Ah, to be young,” Rebecca muses with a smile. “What are you now, twenty-nine?”
“Yep. Thirty is creeping up on me. Any words of wisdom as someone who’s been doing this longer?”
Rebecca sighs, staring into her coffee cup as if it holds the answers to life’s mysteries. “I wish I had some. Funnily enough, I’m seriously rethinking some parts of my life,” she divulges.
I blink at her. “What do you mean?”
She lifts a hand and vaguely gestures around her.
“I’ve been doing this for ten years. When I graduated from med school, I was full of pep and ambition.
But more and more, this job is overshadowing my personal life—especially since this most recent transition to being open twenty-four hours a day.
Work-life balance has become a joke.” She shakes her head.
“I’m considering going into private practice, maybe something a bit more relaxed, like family medicine. ”
I gape at her. “Really? I never would have guessed that.”
She shrugs. “There are things I’d miss, but at least I’d have the ability to make my own hours, and I’d still earn a good salary.”
I frown. “True. A lot of the same problems we face here will follow you there though. If it’s your own clinic, you’re the front line with the insurance companies and all their bullshit.”
We share a commiserating look.
Rebecca nods. “I’m afraid there’s no escaping them, my friend, but removing a layer of red tape is never a bad thing.
Also, I’m liking the idea of setting my own hours and being my own boss despite all of that.
Ron and I are talking about finally getting around to having kids.
Even though we plan to adopt, we don’t want to wait until either of us gets too old. ”
“Kids, huh? That’s a big life decision, but you’d make a great parent. You’re one of the favorite doctors for any kids who come here for care.”
Rebecca smiles. “Thanks. Ron and I have been talking about it for a few years, and we don’t want to wait much longer.
He works from home and has a lot more flexibility to be at least a part-time stay-at-home dad, and between the two of us, we could afford to hire some in-house help too.
Still, I want to be able to have time to spend with Ron and the kids, especially during their really formative years.
” She gives me a lopsided grin. “I’d like to be awake for all that too. ”
I laugh and then sip my coffee, wincing at the slightly stale, bitter flavor and wishing I’d taken the time to brew a fresh pot.
“Guess it’s all about priorities, right?
” I muse, thinking about my and Felix’s current situations.
“I can relate to some of what you’re talking about.
Lately, I’ve been feeling at odd ends when it comes to work.
It’s not that I want to give up medicine, rather that I think I might need a new context in which to practice it. ”
Rebecca nods soberly. “I hear that. I also worry about the increasing number of unstable, physically violent patients we’re getting.
This isn’t a psych ward, so we don’t have enough big, strong orderlies to help out.
” She darts a worried look at me. “Were you here when that patient drew a knife on one of the nurses?”
“I witnessed the aftermath. The poor woman was understandably shaken up. Luckily, the clinic security guard was able to take the guy down and get the knife away from him before he could hurt anyone.”
Mental health issues are on the rise nationally and we don’t have enough adequate, accessible, and affordable care options to treat folks.
We do what we can at our clinic, but some unstable patients who come in are difficult to assess and there’s only so much we’re able to do for them.
A lot of them end up slipping through the cracks, often becoming homeless later or being arrested if they’re violent toward others.
It’s so damn hard to watch all while helpless to do much of anything to change the situation.
At the same time, it increases the risk factors on the job for us as health providers. And it fucking sucks when you can’t feel safe working in a place dedicated to helping people. It makes you question everything.
“My brother’s also considering a career relocation.”
Rebecca scrunches up her face. “The veterinarian?”
“Yeah. He had an opportunity to buy the clinic where he’s been working for the last few years, but the fact he didn’t jump on it speaks volumes. Last night he told me he’s considering relocating to Botswana or Tanzania.”
She whistles softly. “Africa, huh? I supposed that would be heaven to an exotic animal vet. But it’s awfully far away.”
“I know.” Imagining us being so far apart like that is physically painful.
Rebecca chews on her bottom lip, expression thoughtful. “Well, I do think it’s best to be proactive about changing your situation if you’re not happy. Sticking with the status quo because it’s safe or easy can make things worse and leave you with a lot of regrets.”
Damn if that doesn’t hit home for me.
I smile at her. “You’re speaking words of wisdom tonight. Looks like you do have some sensible advice to offer after all, my friend.”
Rebecca chuckles and then glances at the clock. “I’ve got to get back out there.” She gulps down the last of her coffee and stands, tucking her short brown bob behind her ears. “Good chatting with you, Gemma. Hang in there.”
She gives me a little salute and heads out, clear-eyed and ready to face whatever situation awaits.
Alone in the staff room, under the harsh fluorescent lighting, I ponder her words. The stale aroma of coffee that’s been sitting in the pot too long seems to be mocking how stale my own life has become. I don’t know how, but something’s got to change—and in a big way.