Chapter 2
Luna: Is this thing working, my new bestie?
Sasha: If you’re reading this message, then yes. Also, I thought Khephren was your bestie.
Luna: He’s my Dravethian bestie. You’re my new human bestie!
Sasha: Uh-huh. Thanks for the clarification.
Luna: You texted that with 100% sarcasm, didn’t you?
Sasha: You already know your human bestie well.
Luna: Yay! Join me for a drink?
Sasha: Meet me in my studio.
—Test message sent via FLIRTT (Frequency Link for Interstellar Real-Time Transmission)
Four weeks until Christmas…
Luna
Iset down the bottle of Dravethian wine and two glasses on Sasha’s worktable. “Lucky you, I brought the good stuff.”
He pushes them gingerly to the end of the table. “Get that away from my baby.”
I roll my eyes. His “baby” is his computer system for editing his video projects.
Picking them up, I move to a sofa a few feet away. Sasha sometimes works late on his streaming show, so of course Khephren made sure he had one of the comfiest sofas on the ship to nap on.
He follows me and flops down with a tired sigh. “Thanks, I think I need a break. I’ve been staring at my screen for way too long.”
I pour us both a full glass of wine and pass him one. “Drink up.”
He takes an appreciative sip. “So, to what do I owe the honor of this visit? Apart from being your new human bestie.”
Sasha, a human from Earth, joined our ship almost a year ago when we sorta kinda abducted him. But it was a friendly abduction, I swear! Khephren, my best friend from our shared home world, and I wanted to find a human who could help us experience an authentic Earthling Christmas on our ship.
Why not on Earth, you might ask. Well, we’re not exactly permitted to visit that planet since we can’t pass a human appearance test—the different, vibrant colors of Dravethian skin and our eight tentacles make that impossible.
So, we made a quick and highly illegal pit stop on Earth to recruit a temporary human assistant.
Yes, it was pretty foolish and risky. But Kheph and I were fueled by the fire of our desire—heh, that rhymed—to experience Christmas, just like in the Hallmark movies we’d downloaded off the intergalactic web.
It had kind of become a mutual obsession, probably because Kheph and I both love how those films tend to focus on family, acceptance, and loving kinship vibes, something we’ve both had trouble with in terms of our own genetically tied families.
Are the stories brilliant and innovative? Nah.
Do they veer more toward cheesy and formulaic? Sure.
But do we keep coming back for more nonetheless? You bet your ass we do!
Anyway, we ended up abducting Sasha and his cat Jonesy—all hail Jonesy!
—not knowing he was basically full of bah-humbug attitude and Grinchy sarcasm.
My pal Kheph came to the rescue though. His sweet nature and earnest enthusiasm chipped away at Sasha’s “No Trespassing Allowed” exterior until he fell head over heels for Kheph and decided to stay with us permanently.
Talk about a swoon-worthy romance! Lucky bastards.
“Are you excited about returning to Earth for a quick visit?”
Sasha shrugs and sips more of his wine. “I could take it or leave it. To be honest, I don’t miss much. It’s not like I had any family or anyone who would even notice that I’ve been gone, and life aboard this ship, traveling the universe with you guys, is so much more awesome.”
“Of course, it is,” I boast. “We’re the coolest group of Dravethians around.”
He snickers. “I’ll take your word for that.”
“Hey!” I protest.
He smiles, his expression softening. “Khephren’s really looking forward to it though.
I’d be happy to go almost anywhere else, but he’s bound and determined to get a shit ton of kitschy new Christmas decorations and stock up on a few items that we can only find on Earth.
He’s discovered a love for salt and vinegar potato chips and that weird spray cheese in a can. ”
Sound like Kheph. He can be odd, but we adore the big lovable weirdo.
I swallow a big gulp from my glass, smacking my lips with pleasure. That hits the spot!
“Well, don’t worry. It’s gonna be a brief in-and-out kind of mission,” I say.
Sasha snickers. “I could make a dirty joke about that, but I won’t.”
One of my tentacles reaches out to flick him gently on the forehead. “Save that for your hubby.”
He smirks. “You’re just jealous.”
“Fuck yeah, I am.” I take an even bigger gulp of my wine, sighing loudly. “I guess I’m more envious, really. Of course, Kheph would be the one to have all the luck in meeting his life partner through abduction.”
“That tracks for him,” Sasha agrees. “He’s uncannily lucky in the oddest ways.”
I snort. “No kidding. But to be fair, there isn’t a more deserving man I know. He’s the kindest and most generous, almost to a fault, individual I’ve ever known.”
Sasha nods with a solemn air. “That’s why we have to protect Tentacle Boy’s bright pink ass.”
I throw my head back and laugh. Sasha took to calling Kheph Tentacle Boy when they first met, and it’s a nickname that has stuck around.
Kheph’s entire body, including his hair, is made up of various shades of pink.
This is how it works among our people. My body is covered in different hues of green, and our third crewmate, Najar, is all tones of gold.
Needless to say, we would stick out like sore thumbs on a planet like Earth.
“I’m not sure if Kheph has talked to you yet, but he and I’ve finished a prototype of a small vehicle that you can take from the ship into town to purchase what we’re looking for after we land.
Alas, we can’t join you.” One of my tentacles does an up-and-down sweeping motion, gesturing at myself. “For obvious reasons.”
“Not a problem. I expected I’d have to be the one to buy stuff.” He heaves a dramatic sigh. “Ah, the things you do for love.”
I can’t hold back a snicker. “Yeah, yeah. We’ll be landing somewhere in the desert again, away from prying eyes, but within a reasonable distance of a town. Using the vehicle Kheph and I’ve created, which can go much faster than human automobiles, will make that distance seem like nothing.”
Sasha muses over this. “Hmm. What does it look like, and how does it work?”
I give him a quick rundown, and he shakes his head laughing.
“In essence, it’s the extraterrestrial equivalent of a majorly souped-up Smart Car that can travel at ridiculous speeds.”
I tilt my head. “Maybe? I’m not familiar with this… Smart Car.”
Sasha waves a hand dismissively. “Forget about it, not important. I’m cool with this plan.”
I grin. “Don’t worry. Kheph’s planning to give you a tablet device so he can video conference with you while you’re in the stores and so he can tell you what he wants you to buy.”
“Why does that not surprise me? This is gonna be interesting, that’s for sure.”
I shrug. “You know how he is. Kheph loves Christmas almost as much as he loves you, and that’s saying a lot. Sure, he was a hardcore fan before you two met, but now that you basically share a relationship anniversary with the holiday, it’s become downright sacred to him.”
Sasha rubs a hand over his face. “Yeah, I know, and thankfully I don’t hate Christmas anymore, not the way I did.
All of that was mostly lingering emotional baggage around my homophobic parents kicking me out of the house when they found out I was gay on Christmas Eve.
” He sips his wine. “Being with you guys, I’ve regained some enjoyment in the holiday and now associate it with more positive feelings.
” He gives me a wry smile. “However, I don’t come anywhere close to matching Tentacle Boy’s energy on that, let alone you for that matter. ”
I puff my chest out proudly. “We are master Christmas enthusiasts, and we take our roles seriously.”
He arches an eyebrow and drawls, “You don’t say.”
One of my tentacles flails in the air. “I’m worried Najar might lose his ever-loving mind over what we have planned for decorating the ship.”
Our stoic security officer on the ship, Najar has been close friends with Kheph since they were born.
They became tight pals with me too when we met in elementary school, but Najar’s much more…
mature and responsible than me and Kheph when it comes to certain things.
He keeps me and Kheph in check and reins us in when necessary.
Old man Najar, we love you!
I toss back the last of the wine in my glass and pour another one, then offer a top-up for Sasha, which he accepts.
“A two-glass night, is it?” he asks with obvious amusement.
“Fuck yeah, it is.” Several of my tentacles droop sadly. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately about finding a life partner too. I see—every damn day—how happy you and Kheph are. For real, you two are total relationship goal material.” My shoulders slump. “But I worry I won’t get so lucky.”
“What happened to that last woman you were seeing?”
I weakly flap a tentacle. “It was nothing serious, only a fling. It fizzled the moment we were long distance.”
“Dating someone on another planet or even another ship must be pretty complicated since we’re constantly roaming and exploring the far reaches of the universe.”
“Exactly. Don’t get me wrong, I love what we do. It’s one of many reasons I wanted to join the ship when Kheph decided he was ready to leave Draveth. Our adventures are exciting and eye-opening, but not super helpful to finding a partner for more than a short time.”
“Heh. You’d basically have to abduct someone and get them to stay on the ship like Kheph did with me,” he jokes.
I perk up. “Now that’s an idea.”
He holds his hands up in an X-pattern. “Beep! Denied.”
“Why not? It worked out with you.”
“That was a one-in-a-million situation. Something like that doesn’t happen twice.”
I reach out and pat his shoulder. “You forget, friend, that our ship and our crew have been blessed by the Goddess Thekmis.”
He lets out a long-suffering groan. “Not bloody Thekmis again.”
I scowl at him. “Don’t diss the goddess.”
“Look, I know your supposed goddess has feline attributes, and when I joined the ship with Jonesy, you all took that as some divine sign from Thekmis. But for real, Jonesy is a cat, a super cool cat, yes, but still just a cat.”
I cross my arms. “You believe what you want to believe, and I’ll believe what I want to believe.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think the odds are in your favor, but I admire your optimism.”
I wave a chiding tentacle at him. “That’s because you don’t believe in Christmas miracles, but I do, and I choose to keep believing that the universe might bring me into contact with the woman who’s meant for me, and me for her, this holiday season.”
Equally ludicrous scenarios happen in Hallmark Christmas movies, why not for me too?
Sasha gives me a mock salute. “I wish you well on your quest.”
As we continue chatting and drinking, my spirits are steadily lifting.
My momentary lapse into pessimism really isn’t like me.
Seeing how happy Sasha and Kheph have been together over the last year has made me a lot itchier to find my own special someone, something I’ve always wanted, but now there’s more of a pressing urge to make it my reality.
So right here and right now, I’m choosing to have faith that my very own Christmas miracle, quite possibly brought to me by Thekmis, is going to land the woman of my dreams in my lap this year.