Chapter Sixteen
I hung up with Evan, sheer panic rising from my gut as I paced the living room.
Alex hadn’t returned my phone call, and according to Evan, it hadn't taken Brenna and Julia long to tell him they’d bumped into me at the mall.
Only after they'd seen the look in Alex’s eyes as he took in the news did Julia and Brenna finally realize I was having his baby.
Idiots!
Evan tried to calm him down, but he took off and was headed straight for me.
In a few minutes, everything could all be over. Alex was on his way to confront me, and one way or another, I’d know how he felt. The loud banging on the door jolted me, and I knew it was time to face the consequences of my decisions.
I slowly pulled the door open and stepped out onto the porch. Shock showed clearly on his face when he looked down at my stomach. He closed his eyes and shook his head. There was no way it had sunk in yet for him.
"Hey, Alex." I smiled; no matter what had happened, I was really happy to see him.
"You don’t seem that surprised to see me."
"Evan called and told me you were on your way," I said. "Do you want to come in?"
He nodded, followed me to the living room, and sat down on the couch. Neither one of us said anything for a few minutes, and the silence wore on my nerves.
"Why, Jocelyn?" he yelled, and his anger frightened me. "What the hell were you thinking?"
"Alex, I . . . ." I paced the room again, even more nervous than when I'd first opened the door. "It was so unexpected."
"Yeah, I get that, but eventually, you had time to figure it out, so why didn't you let me in on it?"
I shook my head. I should have been prepared for this conversation, but I wasn’t.
"You cut off all communication," he snapped. "It wasn't as if I was going to figure out you were pregnant via text message, so why?"
"I don't, I mean, I'm not sure," I said.
"You’re not sure of what? Me?"
He looked as if he wanted to scream, hit something, break apart the room, but then he looked up at me. I bit my lip to keep it from trembling and pressed my shaking hands against my thighs.
"Jocelyn," he whispered. He stood and reached for my hands.
"I’m sorry, Alex," I cried. "I wanted, I mean, I was going to tell you." I felt so helpless.
He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head.
"Shh, beautiful." He tried to soothe me. "I’m here now."
"Alex." My body shook against his chest as I tried to hold back the sob that wanted to escape my throat. I held him as tightly as I could. He pulled me a little closer and pressed his lips to my temple. God, I'd missed his touch.
"I’m sorry," I said again because I really was.
"It’s okay." He tilted up my chin and lowered his lips to mine.
He gently kissed me, moving his lips against mine before deepening the kiss.
I relaxed against him for the first time since I opened the door and allowed him to indulge me for a few seconds, but then I pulled away and shook my head.
He smelled of something sweet, possibly a woman's perfume, and the odor suddenly made me sick to my stomach.
"No," I whispered.
He nodded as he released me and backed away. He looked disappointed.
"I’m overwhelmed," I said. "I’ve been waiting for you to come home, and I wanted to tell you about the baby myself."
"Why didn’t you?" He ran his hands through his hair and exhaled loudly.
"I didn’t want to tell you over the phone," I said. "And I didn’t want you to give up your internship."
"That wasn’t your call to make," he said, more harshly than I expected.
But I understood his reaction. I'd kept important information from him, decided on my own he didn't need to know, and then I wasn't the one who told him.
If I had to do it all again, I definitely would've gone about it another way.
But I couldn't change the past, and now we were going to have to move forward from there.
"I’m sorry."He spoke more softly. "I guess I’m overwhelmed too."
"Let’s sit down." I motioned for him to sit next to me. "You probably have plenty of questions for me."
"When did you find out?"
"A couple of weeks after you left," I told him. "I kept getting sick, but I thought it was because you were gone."
"Do you still get sick?"
"Yes." I laughed.
His smile put me at ease and made an awkward situation a little easier to face.
"I’m not nauseous anymore, but I still throw up. The doctor said most women stop that after the first trimester, but I didn’t fall under that category."
"Sorry about that."
"It’s not your fault."
He looked at me and shrugged. I knew what he meant.
"I’m extremely sensitive to smells, and that’s usually what triggers it."
"When I kissed you just now, you looked like you might be ill. Do I make you sick?"
"No." I shook my head. "I was just anxious when I saw you, and then I . . ."
I stopped. Whatever he did before he came here was none of my business.
"What?"
"I could smell perfume on you, and it upset my stomach, that's all."
"Jocelyn, it isn’t what you think."
"Alex, you don’t have to explain anything to me. It’s none of my business what you’re doing with Julia."
"How did you know it was Julia?"
A suffered a wave of disappointment to discover I wasn’t wrong.
"She told me she came to visit you, and it was pretty obvious you’re more than just friends," I said. "I don’t blame you; I did stop calling you."
"I’m not back with Julia." He made a face that indicated he thought the very idea was insane. "She came to visit me with Ry and Brenna. We went to dinner, but that was it. And tonight she was at my parent’s house, and she kissed me hello."
"Alex." I held up my hand to prevent him from saying more on the subject. "You don’t owe me an explanation. Actually, I’d rather not get in the middle of whatever is going on between you and Julia. I have enough going on, if you haven’t noticed."
He fidgeted with his hands. I'd never seen him so uptight before.
"Jocelyn." He sighed. "We have so much to discuss, but right now, I want you to tell me about our baby."
I smiled and looked down at my stomach.
Our baby. I like the way that sounds.
"Are you both healthy?"
"Yes." My voice bubbled with excitement. Finally, I could tell him all about the pregnancy. "The baby is perfect, just where he should be. I’m due on Valentine’s Day."
"He?" he asked. "Do you know that for certain?"
"No." I shook my head. "Some days, I say he, and other days he’s a she; I don’t like referring to him as an it. It drives Max wild because he never knows what the sex will be on any given day."
"You’re far along enough to know, though?" he said. "The baby is developed enough to determine the sex."
"Yes, I had an ultrasound at seventeen weeks, but I wasn’t sure if you would want to know, so I asked them not to tell me."
"You got to see it, I mean, the baby on the monitor?"
"Yes." I smiled at the memory. "It was fantastic. The heartbeat was strong, and the technician said everything was perfect."
Except you weren't there.
"I wish I could’ve been there," he said regretfully. "Who went with you?"
"No one." I frowned. "I don’t have anyone who can go with me."
"You’ve been doing this all by yourself?" he asked. "Who did you tell when you found out?"
"No one," I said. "I had to tell Max once I started showing, and now a few people at work know."
"And some of my family."
"I didn’t mean for that to happen," I said. "But Evan figured it out as soon as he saw me."
"How did your father take the news? I bet he wants to kill me."
"He did at first." I smiled. "But he realized I was a willing participant, and we made a mistake."
"This was my mistake, Jocelyn," he said. "I knew better, and I’m sorry for being so careless with you."
"It wasn’t just you." I really meant that. We both should've known the dangers of unprotected sex. "We did this together."
"I was irresponsible," he said. "I was more experienced, and I should never have let things go so far that night."
"It’s done," I said. "We can’t change any of this, and to be honest, I don’t regret that night with you."
"I don’t deserve your kindness," he said. "I screwed up."
"We both did."
"Joce," he said, "I know I don’t have any right to ask this of you, but since Brenna and Evan know, I have to tell my parents. I want them to hear it from me."
"Of course you should tell them." I agreed. "They have a right to know."
"I’ll tell them, but I was wondering if you’d come with me. I know I should’ve been here to tell Max with you, and I swear, I would have been, but . . . ."
"I know," I whispered as I took his hand. "And I wish you could’ve been here when I did."
"So you know what I’m feeling right now, the anxiety of telling my parents."
I nodded. "Jack and Sarah are so supportive. They’ll be here for you."
"They’ll be here for you too. Will you come with me?"
"Yeah." I smiled. "It seems right for us to be together when you tell them."
"Thanks." He squeezed my hand, and I sensed his trepidation over the coming conversation. "I don’t think they’re going to be very pleased with me tonight."
"I think they’ll surprise you." Jack and Sarah were such good, loving parents, and once they got over the shock, I was certain they’d take the news as well as Max did.
"I hope you’re right," he whispered.
"Let’s go." I stood and headed for the door.
"Wait!" He grabbed my hand. "Your coat?"
"I . . . I-I’m okay," I stuttered.
"No, it’s cold outside."
"You don’t have one."
"I left the house in a hurry, and I’m not pregnant, so get a jacket."
"Alex, I don’t have—" I stopped, too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t have one. "I get overheated. I’ll be fine."
"Well, if you get cold, I can turn the heat up in the car."
We didn’t say much on the way to his house, but it was hardly a comfortable silence.
Occasionally, he would glance down at my stomach, and I wanted so badly to know what he was thinking.
I knew better than anyone how overwhelming and life-altering this was.
I had to keep telling myself not to expect too much from him.