Chapter Seventeen
"Joce," Evan said as I pressed my face into his shoulder. "Please stop crying. Alex didn’t mean what he said. I know he didn’t."
"He wants me to"—I sobbed—"put our baby up for adoption. He’s mad because I didn’t tell him."
I knew there was a huge possibility he wouldn’t want to keep our baby, but I was holding out hope that he’d want us.
"He’s not mad," Evan said. "He’s just shocked and needs some time to figure it all out."
I removed myself from Evan’s arms and glanced at his tear-stained shirt. I tried to dry it with my hand.
"It’s okay." He smiled. "I’ll take it to the cleaners."
"Thanks for taking me home," I said. "I think I need to go to bed."
"Jocelyn, please don’t give up on Alex."
"I don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do." I didn’t want to be an obligation or a responsibility. If he wanted me, it had to be because of what we were to one another and not because he got me pregnant.
"Alex never does," Evan said. "But I know how he feels about you even if he doesn’t."
"What does that mean?"
"Come on, Jocelyn," Evan said. "You have to know how much he cares for you.
I’ve never seen him fall for anyone the way he’s fallen for you. You’ve changed him so completely."
"I know before he left, he cared about me," I said, and I really believed that. "And I think if I would have stayed in touch with him when he was away, and when he came home I wasn’t pregnant, it might have been different."
Maybe he would have eventually realized he was in love with me.
"But now, Evan"—I looked down—"it’s different. It’s going to be harder for us.
We hardly know one another, and now we have to be parents together. I don’t think Alex wants that."
"Jocelyn, you don’t know that. He’s just in shock."
"Look, you can’t speak for Alex. We’ll have to figure it out, but if Alex doesn’t want to be a part of all of this"—I put my hand on my stomach and almost lost my breath when I thought about raising a child completely on my own—"will you want to know this baby?"
"Joce," Evan whispered as he placed his hand over mine, "I’m always going to be here for you and this baby. You’re not ever gonna be alone."
"Okay." I sobbed. "Sorry I’m so hormonal."
He leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I love you, you know that."
"Love you too," I cried.
Why did those words come so easily for Evan and not for Alex?
After about a half an hour of convincing Evan I’d be fine by myself, he left. Max had the late shift and wouldn’t be home for a few more hours. I took a long, relaxing shower and slipped into Alex’s Yale shirt, which hardly fit over my stomach these days, and a pair of flannel pajama bottoms.
I was emotionally drained. I knew coming face to face with Alex wouldn’t be easy, but I didn’t think it would end with me storming out.
Rationally, I knew he didn’t want me to give up our baby, but it hurt hearing him suggest the option.
Everything was all so new to him. He hadn't even been home a full day and he'd been hit with fatherhood.
I had to give him time to figure out what he wanted.
I smiled when I thought back to how he held me and tried to keep me warm in Jack’s study earlier in the evening. It felt so right, and I wished I would’ve told him how much the baby moved every time he spoke. And it wasn’t just in the study, either.
When we lay together in his bed, the baby kicked and was the most active I’d ever felt him. I'd wanted to tell Alex, but things went downhill so fast.
"You know your daddy, don’t you?" I rubbed my stomach. "I know he loves you, he just has to."
I tried to sleep, but I couldn’t stop crying.
Alex was home, and he knew about the baby.
But I was in no better position than when he wasn’t home and didn’t know.
I always thought I wouldn’t force him into a life with me.
He didn’t have to be with me, but I hoped he’d want to be in his child’s life.
His parents and Evan wanted to play a role in my baby’s life, and I welcomed them.
I was relieved that my secret was out. It had been a long four months, keeping something this big this quiet.
I rolled over onto my side and finally drifted off, but I was suddenly pulled out of sleep by the sound of a light banging noise. I couldn’t figure out what it was, so I closed my eyes again, but it wouldn’t stop. After a few more minutes, I realized it was the front door.
It’s two in the morning.
I jumped up, thinking something happened to Max. I quickly ran down the steps and opened the door.
"Hello, dars-lin’," Alex said as he stood there smiling at me, leaning on Zack.
"Alex?" I was stunned; what was he doing there?
"Sorry, Jocelyn," Zack said. "He wouldn’t give me his keys until I agreed to take him here. I would’ve taken him right home, but I was afraid he would just get on the Harley and come here anyway."
"Jocey loves my Harley, don’t cha, bootiful?" Alex smiled at my stomach.
"Okay," Zack said. "Now you’ve seen her, we have to go."
"No." Alex pushed Zack aside and came through the door. "Isn’t she perfect?" He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled my back to his chest. "And look, that’s my baby in there."
"Alex," Zack said, "let’s let Jocelyn get her rest now. You can see her tomorrow."
Alex pushed my hair to one side and whispered in my ear, "Don’t make me leave."
He was incredibly drunk, and he reeked of beer and some other kind of alcohol, but those odors didn’t seem to bother me. I liked the feeling of his warm breath against my skin. I craved his touch.
"Zack," I said. "It’s okay, he can stay."
"I’m not sure the chief is gonna be real happy about this, sugar," Zack said. "I’m sure he already wants to string him up by his—" He cleared his throat. "He’s probably not too happy with Alex at the moment."
"He won’t be home for a while," I said as Alex kissed my neck.
"God, you smell so good," he whispered against my skin.
"I’ll call Evan and tell him to come and get him." The feel of his lips against my skin made me tingle all over. I hadn't felt that good in a long time.
"How about I just wait in my car?" Zack offered. "He’s gonna pass out soon, and I’ll bring him home."
"Okay." I nodded my agreement.
Zack headed back to his car, so I shut the door and turned around in Alex’s arms to face him.
"Hi’s." He smiled.
"Hi," I whispered back. "What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to see you," he said. "Been wantin’ to all night.
" He gently pushed me up against the door and kissed me hard and long, moving his hands up and down my arms, and then gripping my shoulders.
My head spun as he continued to kiss me.
After a minute or so, I felt like I might lose my balance from the lack of oxygen. It was a really good kiss.
"Mmm, Alex." I tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let go. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him. "I can taste so much alcohol in your mouth, you’re gonna intoxicate my baby."
" Our baby." He corrected me and pressed his forehead to mine. His vibrant green eyes were glazed over from the booze, but they somehow still managed to sparkle. He softly kissed my lips, but I could tell he was struggling to stand up.
I took his hand and led him to the couch. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, so I turned to face him.
"Alex." I sighed. "You shouldn’t be here."
"I had to see you," he said. "I wanted you to know."
"Know what?"
"I didn’t mean it." He gently kissed my lips. "I want my baby."
"We shouldn’t discuss this now; you don’t know what you’re saying," I said. "We can wait until you’re sober."
"I’m sayin’ what I know," he said insistently. "I’m drunk, but I know what I want.
I want you and her." He pointed to my stomach.
"Her?" I smiled.
"Well, you said I couldn’t call it an it," he said.
"No, you can’t."
"Jocelyn," he whispered. "Can I touch her?"
His question took me by surprise. No one but me had ever touched my stomach, well, except the doctor, and Evan came close earlier, but that was it. I was afraid if I let him, and then tomorrow he woke up and changed his mind, I’d be devastated.
"Please." He moved his hand to my hip.
I nodded.
He slipped his hand across my stomach and stopped when his palm lay dead center. He looked up and smiled at me. "Does she move?"
"Yeah." I smiled. "She’s asleep now, but that’s 'cause she’s tired 'cause she was so active at your house earlier."
"She was?" he asked, and I could tell how interested he was in what I was saying.
"Yeah, she moved a lot when we were in your bed."
He rubbed his hand over my stomach and said, "Well, maybe you should, I think, need to be in my bed more often." He was obviously having a harder time stringing words together so they made sense.
I couldn’t accept his intoxicated statements as promises. I needed him in his right mind before I would take anything he said seriously.
He leaned his head back on the sofa and closed his eyes. He was getting ready to pass out.
"Alex." I shook him.
"Hmm?" His eyes stayed closed, but his hand was still on my stomach.
"I’m gonna go get Zack now," I told him.
"Nah," he mumbled. "I wanna stay here with you."
"You can’t," I said. "I don’t think it’ll be good for either of us if Max comes home and finds you here, passed out on his couch."
"Max loves me." He smiled. "I watch sports, I went to Yale, and I drink beer. I’m perfect."
He started breathing heavily, and a few seconds later, the sound of his soft snores filled the room. I smiled and placed my hand over his, gently pressing it against my stomach.
I stayed like that for a few minutes, hoping when Alex was sober he’d still feel the same way he did tonight. I placed a few soft kisses along his jaw, before going to get Zack to take him home.