Chapter Eighteen
After Zack left with Alex, I couldn’t fall asleep. It was as if my brain just wouldn’t shut down. Alex wasn’t in his right mind, but I'd hoped the fact that he came to my house meant he wanted to be with me. He said he wanted me, wanted us, but I was afraid to believe him.
The next day dragged on forever. I worked at the coffee shop, and my body ached everywhere. My feet were swollen, my back felt like someone was constantly kicking me, and now I had this pain that shot down my butt and radiated all the way down my leg.
When I came home from work, Max informed me Sarah had called him and wanted to work things out.
He was afraid the Jordans would try to take over, but I assured him that was just Sarah.
She was a caring mom who wanted to make everything okay for her kids.
If taking care of me meant Alex would be happy, then she would do it.
Max seemed relieved Sara'd mentioned child support. He was looking for a handout, but he was big on responsibility, especially after Liz just picked up and left me. He felt that if Alex didn’t want to stay with me, he should still be a part of the baby’s life and be financially responsible for the child's needs. We had to discuss all of these issues, but the idea of child support and visitation made me feel uneasy. It meant, to me, at least, that Alex and I wouldn’t be together, and he was establishing his rights as a father.
I didn’t need any legal documents to prove he was the dad, and I would never keep him or his family away from our baby.
But because of the circumstances, establishing some kind of boundaries made sense. I just hoped we didn’t need visitation.
After listening to Max for ten minutes, I decided I couldn’t take any more.
My eyes were practically closed before I got up the steps.
I collapsed onto the bed and fell into a deep sleep, something I always did after a long shift, but I usually didn’t sleep long.
I’d slip into an uncomfortable position, and then thoughts of me rolling onto my stomach would scare me.
Then I’d be fully aware that I had to be conscious of my sleep positions, which would then make me restless.
I tossed and turned, trying to get into a comfortable place, but my mind was racing with thoughts of Alex and how he wanted to touch my stomach.
He'd had the sweetest look on his face before he passed out.
I continued to fight my discomfort, slipping in and out of sleep, but it just wasn’t working. I felt someone sit on the bed with me, but I was afraid to open my eyes.
Could I be dreaming?
I shifted again and tried to quiet my mind, but then I felt a hand run through my hair.
It can't be. Open your stupid eyes, Jocelyn, and see for yourself. You’re dreaming.
There’s no way he’d be here in your bedroom.
He continued to caress my hair, and suddenly I felt calmer. I slowly opened my eyes, fully prepared to feel disappointed when I realized I was imagining his presence. I blinked a few times, but his image didn’t disappear.
"Alex?" I smiled.
"Hey, beautiful," he whispered. "Sorry if I woke you, but you looked uncomfortable."
"What are you doin’ here?"
"I spoke with Max."
"How’d that go?" I couldn't see any injuries, so that was a good sign!
"He’s not real happy with me, but I told him I’m home now, and I’ll be here for you."
I scooted into a seated position and leaned back against my headboard. I still couldn’t believe he was here. He kept staring at me and smiling.
"What?" I wanted to know what he was thinking.
"Nothing."
"How’s your head?"
"It’s pounding, but I deserve it. Sorry I came here and bothered you last night."
"You didn’t bother me," I said, assuring him.
"I hope I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself." He looked down at my stomach.
"Do you remember anything?" I ran my hand over my little baby.
Please remember, please remember!
"You let me touch your stomach." He smiled.
Yes!
"I’m sorry, but I don’t remember much after that," he said shyly. "I must have passed out."
"You did." I giggled. "Did it make you feel better?"
"Getting drunk?"
I nodded.
"No." He looked toward the window. "It was stupid and immature, and I shouldn’t have come here like that."
"Why did you?" There was a good chance he wouldn’t be able to answer that.
"I was really wasted by that point, but I had to see you," he told me. "Zack kept trying to talk me out of it, but I knew I hurt you with what I said at my house."
"I understand why you brought up adoption, but you have to understand that’s not what I want." He needed to know that wasn’t an option.
"I know, and it was insensitive of me to bring it up like that." He looked at my stomach again. "This baby has been a part of you for six months."
I nodded, but I wasn’t being fair, either.
"You only just found out, and I should have listened to what you were thinking. Finally having you here and telling you what’s been going on was overwhelming, and when you asked if I’d considered adoption, well, I thought that .
. . ." I didn’t want to finish; I still wasn’t sure how he felt.
"You thought I didn’t want this baby," he said.
"Do you?" I had to know. I figured it was better to know than to keep hoping for something that could never be. Hearing how he really felt was the only way I could move on.
He gently pressed his palm to my cheek and nodded.
"Oh," I whispered. His confirmation broke open the floodgates, and before I could control my emotions, I started to sob.
"Jocelyn," he whispered as he pulled me into his chest. "I said I wanted to keep the baby."
I heard the panic in his voice, but I cried anyway. "I know," I sobbed. "I just thought . . . ." I couldn’t stop crying, so he held me while I let it all out. I was mentally exhausted.
He rubbed my back and tried to calm me with reassurances that he wouldn’t leave me.
"Jocelyn," he said as he stroked my cheek, "I want to be here for you. I can be whatever you need. You shouldn’t be doing this alone."
"I wanted to tell you," I cried. "Really, I did, but you were so far away, and then when I heard what you told Evan when he thought Cali was pregnant, I panicked."
"Evan told you what I told him?"
"He didn’t know I was pregnant, and he was telling me how wonderful you were through it all, but you told him the baby was a complication he didn’t need and a huge responsibility."
"And that was true," he said. "In Evan and Cali’s case. I wasn’t speaking for us."
"What makes us different?"
"I’m older than Evan, so I can provide for my child. I’m in a better position."
"But I’m not."
"You can do whatever you want to do, Jocelyn." He released me and sat back, holding my gaze with his. "Just because you’re having a baby doesn’t mean your life is over. You have me, and I have very supportive parents. You can start college as soon as you’re ready."
"I don't think that's gonna happen." I had too many other responsibilities now.
"No, your life isn't over," he said again. "We’ll work it out if you want to go."
"I can’t really think about that now," I said. "I have so many other things to decide." I liked the idea of having the option of attending college later, but right now, I couldn't deal with the idea.
"What can I help you with?"
"I’m just happy you’re here and you know," I said. "It’s a huge relief. I thought you’d be really mad."
"I’m not mad you’re pregnant," he said. "You didn’t get that way by yourself, but I’m still a little disappointed you waited so long to tell me."
"I know," I said. "But I can’t change that. All I can say is I was doing what I thought was right at the time. I still don’t expect anything from you. I know I made a big decision for both of us, but I can take responsibility for this."
"That makes me mad," he said. "We can’t go back, so I’m not gonna dwell on that anymore, but the part about you not expecting anything from me . . . . Why would you think I’d walk away from this?"
"We weren’t together that long," I whispered.
"No, we weren’t," he said. "But didn’t you think I’d be man enough to handle this?"
"I knew you wouldn’t deny me, but I didn’t want you to leave Connecticut because you felt you had to. We talked all the time about that internship. I knew what it meant to you, to your future. I was wrong, but I wasn’t sure you . . . ."
I stopped, unwilling to mention the fact he'd never told me he loved me, that I had no idea whether he cared for me that much or not. And I sure as hell didn’t want to tell him that I loved him.
I’d already thrown so much at him, and I wasn’t forcing any declarations out of him. He’d have to tell me when he was ready.
"What weren’t you sure about?" His tone reflected growing impatience.
"It doesn’t matter," I said. "You’re here now, and I hope you can forgive me, and we can move on."
"Just promise me we won’t have any more secrets," he said. "I want to be part of the rest of this pregnancy."
"I want that too." I smiled. "Sorry I lost it a few minutes ago. I do that a lot these days."
"It’s okay." He stroked my cheek again. "Let’s see if we can stop making that happen so much. I want you to be happy."
"I’m just so afraid," I said, but it was nice being able to talk to him about these things.
"I’m a little scared myself. I’ve never been in this position before. I mean, a baby, that’s really big."
"Tell me about it," I said on a yawn.
"I shouldn’t have woken you," he said. "I can go, so you can sleep."
"No!" I just got him back, and I wasn't ready for him to leave, but I didn't want to come across as needy, either. "I mean, if you have to go, I understand."
"I don’t have to go anywhere," he said. "But maybe you should sleep."
He moved onto my bed and pulled me to his side. "You looked so uncomfortable before," he said. "How can I help?"
"Maybe, if I . . . ." I shifted, rolled onto my side, and threw my leg over his hip.
"That seems to take the pressure off my stomach. I usually do it with the pillow, but it seems to work better with you."
"Okay." He smiled. "Whatever works for you." He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.
I’d waited so many nights for him to hold me like this.
I didn't realized how much I needed him to touch me.
This was the emotional connection I'd been missing during my whole pregnancy. Things weren’t perfect, I knew that.
We had a long way to go before we worked everything out, but he was there and that was a start.
"He’s moving." I smiled.
"Now?"
I nodded.
He slowly moved his hand down my hip, but stopped before he got to my stomach. "Can I?" he whispered.
"Yes." I smiled up at him. "I want you to feel him."
"It could be a she, you know?" He grinned and gently placed his hand over my abdomen. We waited a few seconds, and then the baby kicked.
"Did you feel that?"
"Yeah! That’s really cool." His face lit up, clearly reflecting his joy. "Maybe we have a soccer star in there?" The baby moved again, and Alex’s smile widened. "I could do this all night."
"You may get your chance." I yawned again. "He’s not gonna settle down anytime soon." My eyelids fluttered.
"Sleep now," he whispered. "I’ll stay for a while."
"Okay," I mumbled, but I couldn’t fight my sleepiness, and I felt much calmer with Alex there. Moments later, I drifted off.