Chapter 5
Five
H er scream lodged in her throat. Again. The nightmares just wouldn’t leave her alone. Abby sat up in her bed, running her fingers across the raised scar.
It was stinging. Always stinging. Nerve endings reconnecting following the trauma is what her doctor told her. But she wished they wouldn’t. She wished the spot would stay numb, and she’d never have to feel pain from it again.
Flinging her legs over the side of the bed, she groaned. Three hours’ worth of sleep, and it was useless to try for more. Abby walked to her dresser and pulled out her favorite pair of athletic pants. They were black, with reflective stripes down the side, and came with a matching sports bra that she grabbed at the same time. No one would see the cute top, of course, because she would be wearing a jacket that covered her neck, but it didn’t matter. She wanted to feel cute for herself.
Fully dressed five minutes later with her canister of pepper spray attached to the holster around her waist, Abby laced up her running sneakers, zipped her windbreaker up so it was hiding her scar, and grabbed her keys.
It wasn’t smart to be running at three in the morning. She could almost hear her brother’s furious voice yelling at her to get back inside where she’d be safe. Right. Safe from a mad man who was already being held by the FBI at some site no one knew about. But not safe from her own memories.
The cool air and quietness of the street made her racing mind quiet. Marco wasn’t a threat anymore. It wasn’t some random person who got away. It wasn’t someone who was going to come back for her. The attack was a one off. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It wasn’t going to happen again, and she wasn’t going to let it control her life.
Abby stood on the sidewalk outside her apartment for a moment, stretching her legs. Feeling ready to run the emotions out of her body, she took off.
The jolt of her feet hitting the pavement flooded her body with adrenaline. It was exactly what she needed. Her mind went blank. No more Marco. No more thinking about the fear that coursed through her as the blade pulled across her skin. No more feeling the sticky life force pouring out between John’s hands as she looked into his eyes for reassurance.
In an hour, she’d run the entire length of Main Street twice, circled through the park and around the lake. Abby was making her way around for another loop through town when the sound of an engine coming down the street grabbed her attention. She might be irresponsible for running outside at that time of night, but she wasn’t stupid. No headphones meant she should be able to hear any threat coming up behind her.
Was that what was in the car? A threat? The lights hit her from behind and her heart rate picked up. The tires slowed on the pavement beside her but she refused to look, and she refused to stop. When the vehicle finally passed, she let out a sigh of relief.
A blinker turned on as the SUV pulled over to the side of the road and parked. If she hadn’t seen the writing on the side as it passed, she would have been reaching for her mace. Instead, she slowed to a walk, placing her arms above her head to open her lungs and draw in more oxygen.
The panic was there, pushing darkness into the edge of her vision.
John hopped down from the vehicle and stalked towards her.
“Jesus. I thought that was you. What are you doing, Abby?”
“Sorry.” She pulled in a deep breath, her heart pounding painfully in her chest as the peaceful quiet of her run faded to the assault of her memories. “Is it illegal to run at this time of night?”
“It’s not illegal, but it’s also not safe.”
“I’ve got my pepper spray.”
“Pepper spray isn’t as effective as people think.”
“Awesome. Are you just here to scare me with your law enforcement stats or…”
“What are you doing?”
“Didn’t you just hear me say I’m running?”
He studied her for a minute, just standing there with his arms folded across his chest. She couldn’t help but stare at the way his biceps pulled the fabric of his uniform tight. They looked so strong. Hell, she knew they were. She’d felt so safe being held in them…
“From what?” His question startled her from her thoughts.
“Sorry?”
“Running from what?”
Abby rolled her eyes. “Not from anything. I just couldn’t sleep.”
“Why couldn’t you sleep?” She didn’t respond, locked in a standoff with him. Finally, John broke the silence. “Please talk to me.”
“It’s not that deep,” she huffed. “It’s honestly nothing. I just had a nightmare and I can’t fall back asleep after they happen. Running turns my brain off. I just needed it to be quiet.”
He reached out, placing his hand on her arm. “Was it about…”
“Yeah. It was about that night.”
“Shit. Do they happen a lot?”
“More after it first happened. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt his knife cutting me. But it’s gotten better. When I woke up, the scar was hurting. My brain probably just picked up on that while I was asleep and flipped me into the nightmare.”
He nodded like he completely understood what she was saying.
“I’m so sorry, Abby.” The hand that was on her arm moved to cup her cheek, his thumb gently stroking her skin. “I should have been able to stop him. You’re suffering because of me.”
“You saved me, John. Don’t think for a second I’m upset with how you handled things.”
“You’re stuck with nightmares and running during the night to cope with them because I didn’t shoot that asshole. If I had, you wouldn’t be hurt. Emma wouldn’t have been hurt.”
“Stop. The only person who has any fault in any of this is Marco.”
He shook his head and ran his hand through his beard.
“Come on. I’ll drive you back to your apartment.”
“No.”
“Why are all the women in my life so goddamn stubborn?” he mumbled, making her laugh.
“You heard me. I’m not done running. I have another loop of the park and then I’m going to run up Second to Sixth Street and back to Main. I’ll be done in about an hour.”
John looked her up and down, a scowl on his face.
“How long have you already been running?”
Abby looked at her watch. Shit. It was already five. “Uh, just about an hour or so.”
“Right. Look, you can run back to your apartment, and I’ll follow in my SUV to make sure you get there safely. But you need to go home, Abby.”
“John. I’m fine. I don’t want to stop in the middle of my run. I can’t run for much more anyway, or I’ll be late getting ready for school.”
“Sam would kill me if he knew you were out here running in the dark and I just let you go.”
“Good thing he doesn’t need to know.”
“I wouldn’t lie to him, sweetheart. In fact, I’ve got half a mind to call him up right now and let him know what you’ve been up to.”
“Feel free. He’s not my father. I’m a grown woman who can make her own decisions.”
She would have sworn he grumbled something about knowing just how much of a grown woman she was, but before she could sass him again, he crossed his arms and glared at her.
“Fine. You don’t want to go home right now, which I can understand, and I can’t let you run around by yourself. Seems like there’s only one solution.”
“And what is that?”
“You hop in the car and do a ride along until the end of my shift.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I’ve got to finish some paperwork, but I was planning on stopping into Bell Ridge Bagels in about an hour and parking over by the lake for the sunrise.”
“Okay.”
Holy fuck. Her heart was going to fall out of her chest. Sharing a sunrise with him? While he was in uniform. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She was so screwed, in nearly the best way possible.
“Let’s go.” John held out his hand, and she waited for only a second before taking it.
“Do you want to sit down by the lake?”
“No!” She’d realized almost immediately how terrified she’d sounded at his suggestion and sank back against her seat.
He raised his eyebrows.
“Okay. There a reason that got such an intense reaction from you?” He pulled her bagel out and handed it to her.
“It’s super embarrassing.”
“What is?”
She wrinkled her nose and shrugged. “I can’t swim.”
John stared at her like she’d grown a second head. It wasn’t all that uncommon of a thing, was it?
“I know I’ve been in that lake about a thousand times with Sam and Jackson growing up. You never went swimming with him?”
“He wanted me to. But I hated it. There’s just always been this thought in my mind that I’m going to die from drowning. I don’t know. Sam went under the water once when I was four or five and I was hysterical. I thought for sure he wasn’t coming back up and it just grew into this thing I’ve never been able to face.” Abby took a bite of her bagel and moaned in delight. The cinnamon cream cheese had become slightly melted from the warmth of the bagel. It was heaven after her running session.
John stared at her, his tongue licking out slightly against his lips. He reached over, his calloused thumb wiping at the corner of her mouth.
“Is it really that good?”
Her heart picked up pace as he brought his thumb back to his mouth and licked off the cream cheese.
“Yes.” She couldn’t hold back the wink she gave him even if she had wanted to.
“Mm, I guess it really is. Might have to change my regular order to that.”
“I’m not sure it’s good enough to knock out your favorite.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be getting it for that.”
Her face burned as he cleared his throat.
“So, swimming is a no-go.”
“Yeah. No way. I tried in high school, with the swim credit required to pass PE, but instead of passing the class, I passed out on the pool deck after a panic attack. They let me write an essay on the different events swimmers could do in the Olympics instead.”
“What else? What else are you afraid of, Abby?”
“Why do you want to know?” she whispered. Her hands became awfully interesting as her gaze dropped to her lap.
“I think I want to know everything there is to know about you.”
“Why don’t you just ask Sam?”
“The kinds of things I want to know most are not the sort of things brothers want to think about their sisters.”
Her eyes jumped to his, and she felt the heat from his gaze wash over her.
“This isn’t the first time you’ve been out running in the middle of the night, is it?”
“No. But I always have my mace with me. I’m safe.”
“I don’t like that. You can’t fit a treadmill in your apartment?”
“I don’t want to run inside. It’s about getting away. Finally escaping.”
“Because you couldn’t escape that night. Fuck.” He rubbed his eyes with one hand. “Are you talking to anyone? I mean, a professional?”
“Oh god. You sound like Sam… and Emma.”
“With everything you went through, I’m not surprised other people are worried about you.”
“I’m fine. Absolutely fine. So I have a nightmare once in a while and find the only thing that helps is running? Why is that a big deal?”
“It’s a big deal because you’re using an unhealthy coping mechanism to cover the pain of what you went through. And there are a lot of disgusting people out there, Abby. You have to be smart. Safe.”
“Bell Ridge is safe.”
“A lot less so lately, it feels like.”
She couldn’t argue with him about that.
“Running is a way to feel in control, right?”
“Yes,” she shrugged her shoulders. “And no. It’s a way to control my emotions, sure, but it’s more about switching off my mind. Maybe it’s running from my problems. Maybe not.”
“What if instead of running, you did self defense training?”
“I don’t think it would do me any good. I’m little. If someone wants to overpower me, they will. Trust me.”
John growled. “No. They won’t. That’s what those classes teach. You can use your size against anyone.”
“You know, Emma tried to get me to go a few months ago. Those guys Sebastian served with are running classes from their gym.”
“Why didn’t you go?”
She shrugged again, setting her bagel down on her lap.
“I can go with you. We could just check a session out and see if it would be a good fit for you. Or I could teach you one-on-one.”
“You’d teach me?”
“Yeah, of course I would. You don’t think I could?”
“No, I’m sure you’re more than capable.”
Her body lit up at the idea of John wrestling with her on some protective mats, glistening with sweat, and breathing heavily near each other. Oh hell. Maybe they should have sat by the lake so she could just jump in and drown herself. Heat flushed all over her body as he laughed.
“What are you thinking about over there?”
“Nothing…”
John laughed again.
“What are you thinking about?” she asked. “How pathetic I must be, needing self defense classes from someone who already saved my life once?”
“I promise you, Abby, that’s not what I’m thinking about when I think of you.”
Her heart skipped a beat. “It’s not? What do you think about?”
“I probably shouldn’t tell you while I’m working. It’s not very appropriate for a public servant to say.” He leaned over and brushed her hair behind her ear. “But it definitely has something to do with imagining just how far down that blush of yours goes.”
Her eyes dipped to his lips. They were so close, she could just lean in and…
John groaned. “Abby, I can’t do that right now. I’m in uniform on the job.”
“Right. Of course.” She cleared her throat. “I think you should probably drive me back to Sprinkles. I need to get ready for school.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have?—”
“No, that was my mistake.”
“It’s not that I didn’t?—”
“Please don’t.” She reached around to her seat belt and focused on fixing the buckle into the clasp before she could just get out of the SUV and run away to drown herself in the lake. “I understand. We can just leave it at that.”