Chapter 9
Nine
“ W e’re here! We’re here! No one better have started eating without us!” John called out as he walked through his parent’s front door with Katy holding on tightly to his hand.
“Grammy! Grampy!” Katy dropped his hand like a hot potato and ran into the kitchen.
“Nice of you to show up.” John kicked his shoes off next to the stairs and smiled at his brother.
“Yeah, Yeah. Wait until Jack is four and has the attitude of a teenager. You’ll be pulling your hair out and praising the fact that you’re only twenty minutes late sometimes.”
“You want a beer? Dad and I started a fire out back.”
“Yeah, sure. Campfire sounds fun right about now.”
“Oh, honey. How is Abby doing?” His mom pulled him into a hug as soon as he walked by the kitchen.
“She seemed better the rest of the week.”
“That’s good.”
“What happened to Abby? I saw her yesterday when I picked up Katy and she seemed fine.” Grace bounced Jack on her lap, the baby drooling an impressive amount down his chin.
“She had a migraine on Tuesday. Scared the hell out of me when I watched her pass out in the parking lot. I was late picking Katy up, and she had to stand around waiting longer than usual in the heat. I still feel so bad about it.”
“Oh my gosh. That’s terrible. I didn’t realize that migraines could do that to someone.”
“Yeah. You know, I also read something like seventy percent of people who suffer from migraines end up vomiting during attacks. It wasn’t pretty.”
“You did research on it?”
“Well, yeah. I stayed with her Tuesday night just to make sure she was okay, and I looked some things up.” He shrugged his shoulders. It really was no big deal, he was just trying to be a good friend.
“Wow, that’s really sweet of you.”
“We’re friends…”
“Right. You’re friends.” Grace nodded in agreement, but he could see her smile was saying something else.
“What Grace?”
“Nothing, John. Does she at least have your number now?”
He smiled. “Yup. Now I just need to get her to use it.”
Abby sat straight up in bed, her hands covering her throat. When she brought them away from her skin, she’d been expecting to see it covered in blood, but there was nothing.
Nothing sticky.
Nothing oozed between her fingers.
Nothing at all.
Her nerves were fried. A glance at her clock told her it was once again too early to be awake, but her heart told her she wasn’t getting back to bed. Honestly, a very Monday way to start the week.
This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that she had to fight her mind. She just wanted to feel whole again. Not like she was fighting for her life every time she laid her head down. Ripping open her top drawer, Abby grabbed her bright pink sports bra. She slipped into the matching running shorts, then stalked to her closet and found her reflective jacket. She pulled it over her head, zipping it all the way up to cover her neck.
When was she going to stop feeling like her skin didn’t belong to her? Her vision blurred around the edges. She hadn’t even gotten outside for her run and yet she was completely out of breath.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, Abby tried counting backwards. When that didn’t work, she laid down, placed her hands on her chest and belly, and tried to remember how the hell cycle breathing worked.
When that failed to calm her galloping heart rate, Abby reached over to her nightstand and picked up her phone. There had to be a meditation she could try to stream. She just needed to get out of the downward spiral enough to get her shoes on. Then she’d be able to run until her mind went blank.
Tapping the home screen on her phone, she felt instant relief wash over her. There was a message from John. She must have fallen asleep and missed it coming in.
Deputy Handsome: We had dinner with my parents. Pretty uneventful evening, aside from a vicious game of rummy that Grace won. She’s an absolute shark.
When she didn’t respond, he sent another text.
Deputy Handsome: Remember you promised to call if you need anything. Anything, Abby. Sweet dreams.
She had promised…
No. John had been amazing when she had her migraine, but she wasn’t about to ask him to come to her rescue again. Besides, if he wasn’t working, she’d be waking him up and that was unfair.
She chewed her bottom lip for the next ten minutes, her brain continuing the fight between calling him and just going for a run. Finally, she laced up her shoes, grabbed her keys, and went to sit on the couch.
“Hey…” His sleep filled voice was gravelly, her skin pebbling at the deep timbre. “Are you okay?”
“I-I’m sorry for calling.”
“It’s okay. What’s going on?”
She steadied herself, digging to find the courage to say it out loud. “I need to go for a run.”
It wasn’t just a statement of fact. It was a plea for help.
“What time… Abby, it’s too late. Or early. Whatever the hell way you look at it, you can’t go for a run.”
“I know, John. I’m not going to. I just need to, and you said to call. So here I am.”
“You needed to run, but you called me instead?”
“Yes.”
“Thank you, Abby.”
“For waking you up in the middle of the night because I had a stupid dream and can’t cope with the memories?”
“Yes. I’m so proud of you.”
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She choked on the familiar ache building in her throat. The tears wouldn’t fall. They never did anymore. But that didn’t stop the ache.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
“I… I do. But not yet,” she admitted. “Will you tell me about your dinner with your family?”
He laughed. “Well, Jackson and Grace apparently have differing opinions on whether they want to start putting Jack in daycare. Her real estate stuff seems to be really taking off, especially everything she’s doing with Sebastian, so she needs to free up her schedule more. My mom was campaigning for grandparent daycare.”
“That’s nice that she wants to be so involved.”
John’s laugh was bright as it came across the line. “She would take the kids in a heartbeat and never give them back. I swear, especially with Jordan now in college, my mom is grandchild obsessed.”
“I’m sure she’s just feeling the change now that Jordan isn’t home. Will he be coming back for Thanksgiving?”
“Oh yeah, Mom and Dad wouldn’t have it any other way. I think they’re heading up to his school a few days early and then they’ll come home with him. He has his own car so I’m not sure why they’d bother driving all that way when he can just make his way home on his own.”
“They miss him. It’s actually really sweet.”
“Just what every eighteen year old guy wants… his parents showing up to his dorm being sweet.”
Abby laughed.
“Are you ready to talk about it now?”
“I’ve never told anyone about the dreams,” she whispered as she laid back against the sofa.
“I was there that night, though. I already know what happened. Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to tell me.”
That made so much sense. Her mind screamed at her time and time again to not talk about it with anyone because she didn’t want to dump her trauma on them. But John already knew.
“I… yeah, I think maybe you’re right.” Her laugh sounded emotionless, but she was smiling.
“Okay, so walk me through it. Is there something that brought this dream on tonight?”
“No. Sometimes I know it’s going to happen. But I fell asleep thinking about you. That shouldn’t have triggered it.”
“You fell asleep thinking of me?” She could almost hear the look of surprise on his face.
“Well, yeah. I mean, we’ve been together a lot lately and you did send me that text checking in.”
“Maybe if I give you some happy memories of the two of us together, you’ll start having some good dreams with me in them.”
“I’d like that.”
“Which part? More memories with me, or good dreams?”
She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, finding the courage to tell him the truth. “Both.”
“I’ll see what I can do then. Why don’t you start at the beginning of the dream.”
“I’m standing in the alley. He… he’s got his arm around my neck and he’s choking me. I’m trying to fight, but my body’s not moving. I don’t know how to protect myself.”
“You feel really out of control?”
“Yes. It’s terrifying, John. I couldn’t save myself. I knew I was going to die.”
“Do you die in these dreams?”
“No. I hear his voice…”
“He talks to you? Did he talk to you in the alley that night?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t… that’s not anywhere in your witness statement.”
“I didn’t remember until after. I can’t be sure, I was feeling so loopy from the drug he injected. But it’s always the same thing in my dream, and I think somewhere deep down I know it’s what he said to me.”
“What does he say?”
“I don’t want to?—”
“No, I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t have to share anything you aren’t ready to. Do you want to tell me what happens after that?”
“I see the knife and know what’s coming. But then you show up and he pauses. For a minute I think it’s going to be okay. And then he cuts me.” She paused to breathe deeply. “I’m always looking down at my blood soaked hands and then I wake up screaming.”
“I’m so sorry, Abby.”
“It’s not your fault.”
The silence on the line was deafening.
“What are you doing today after school?” John asked.
“Just prepping for the rest of the week’s activities for my kids. Why?”
“Have you ever been to that old gym by the paper mill?”
“I don’t think so. Isn’t it named after someone? Lloyd? Larry?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s never been named after a person,” he laughed. “It’s called Ridge Warrior Gym. Jackson and I go there to spar sometimes. We can go this afternoon and get started on your training.”
Images of John sweating in nothing but gym shorts flashed in her mind. Yeah, she’d be insane to turn that offer down.
“It’s not going to be a problem with your schedule, right?”
“Abby. We’re doing this. You’re not going to be out running by yourself at night again, I know because you promised me. But even if you’re running during the day, I want you to know these skills. So no. It’s not a problem.”
“Okay.”
“Good girl.”
Oh hell. Why did that shake something loose deep in her belly? She’d be saving that memory for later.
“You still there?” he asked.
“Yeah, yep. Just thinking I should try to get back to sleep. And I should let you do the same.”
“I’m proud of you, Abby.”
“Why? Because I’m a big baby and was scared by a silly dream?”
“Because you reached out. And I know how hard that was for you to do.”
“Thanks, John.”
“I’ll text you later with the time, okay?”
“Perfect.”
“Sweet dreams, Abby.”
“You too, Deputy Handsome.”
His laugh filled the line as she ended the call.