CHAPTER 16
Jordan
My heart is still pounding a hundred miles a minute in my chest as we make our way to Eric’s car. Sliding in, I take a deep breath to try and blow away the nervous energy coursing through me. The drive is quiet, but not uncomfortable. Eric is as unflappable as always, focused on the road ahead of him and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the song playing on the radio. I don’t feel a single anxious vibe from him and somehow that relaxes me. Obviously he has no concerns about the curveball that has hit us square in the face.
I, on the other hand, am freaking the fuck out. Like a duck. On the surface I'm all cool and collected, but underneath I’m thrashing around—running back and forth screaming while on fire and being chased by man-eating dogs. With foam dripping from their jaws. Dramatic? Maybe a little, but this is the first time I’ve caught feelings for a guy even though I tried very fucking hard not to—and he’s my boss . I think this situation warrants dramatics.
My eyes drop to Eric's hand laying heavy on my thigh. He hasn’t spoken yet, either; likely giving me time to process this morning before we talk. His hand, though, keeps us connected without words. Like he can tell there is a tornado of emotions in my head right now and his hand is there to keep me grounded. My tongue feels glued to the roof of my mouth as I move between staring at his hand and watching what’s happening out the window. People casually strolling along the sidewalks. Others rushing around, just like any other day. Is it bad that I kind of want the whole world to just stop and let me off this ride for a minute? Give me a chance to realign my chakras or some shit?
Swallowing hard against the dryness in my throat, I try to think about this as part of my job. A casefile. I need to build it step by step. What is the crime here, anyway? Am I bringing charges on Eric or myself? We had an agreement, and at some point we both set that agreement on fire. So I guess we are both looking at time. Will that time be spent together in… dare I say it, domestic bliss? Or will that time be spent enduring a boner at work because my boss is hot and no longer fucking me? Neither of those sound appealing if I'm being honest. Why can’t shit just stay the same? Oh, yeah. Thats right, I had to go and catch fucking feelings. Feelings I have no idea what to do with. I suck at relationships, and not in the fun way. I do not want to jump into this and have Eric end up hating me.
How am I supposed to express my thoughts to Eric when I don’t even understand my own head right now? I have feelings for him, I want to kiss him and hold him, but at the same time the idea of being responsible for another person’s happiness scares the everloving fuck out of me.
The sudden silence in the car brings me out of my internal panic. Looking around, I see we are parked in front of my building. Eric's body turns in the driver's seat to face me. His hand moves up to take hold of mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“We don’t have to do this right now if you’re not ready. I understand this is coming out of nowhere for you.” His tone is so soft, like he's dealing with a frightened animal.
“I may be on the verge of a heart attack at the moment, but I’m a grown man. I’m not going to run away from uncomfortable conversations, regardless of a possible myocardial infarction,” I tell him firmly. I may not know what the fuck I’m going to say, but I sure as shit am not going to run away.
“I don’t want to put pressure on this conversation, Jordan. I can leave and come back in a few hours, give you a chance to gather your thoughts on it all. Perhaps consult a doctor for those irregular heart palpitations?”
Oh, he’s got jokes now?
I get lost for a second in the way he smiles at me. So open and confident, flashing me my kryptonite. He successfully disarms me and has my heart rate returning to normal in one fell swoop. How does he do that?
Deciding to respond with an over-exaggerated eye roll, I get out of the car and walk up to my apartment. Once inside, I throw my keys on the side table and kick off my boots. If I have to suffer through a life-changing conversation I will be comfortable while doing so. Landing unceremoniously on my sectional, I follow Eric with my eyes. He’s doing the same thing, except he’s managing to look cool, whereas I’m sure I resemble a toddler throwing a tantrum.
“Are you always going to be so well put together? I’m not sure I can date a guy who hides his flaws with this much skill.” My eyes narrow in playful suspicion.
“I think you deserve perfection and nothing less. At least that’s what your hair says about you.” He gives me a carefree shrug, playing me at my own game and fucking winning. What an asshole. “Let’s start from the beginning. We agreed to have a casual thing. We both admitted we weren’t looking for a relationship, and at the time I had no plans to change that. But you see, feelings are unpredictable, they creep up on you and when you realize they’re there it’s too late to stop the avalanche.” The hand that Eric was caressing my knee with lifts to his hair. His fingers run through it back and forth. “I don’t know if you’ve thought about it before I said it today, but I have. I analyzed our situation in my head over and over again and realized it was never casual to me.”
Avalanche . That's exactly what it feels like. All these feelings and emotions came out of nowhere. At first it's just a small flurry, then before you know it you are buried deep and completely surrounded. It isn’t lost on me how vulnerable Eric is being right now. His demeanor is finally cracking and his nerves are showing in his now-finger combed hair. I guess it’s my turn to talk now. Kinda wish Pete was here. He could whip up an interpretive dance to save me from admitting out loud that I’m practically incapable of maintaining a relationship. I’ve clearly been taking too long to respond, because Eric slides closer on the couch and reaches out to gently tilt my face toward him.
“Jordan, baby, look at me.”
I snap my eyes at him and grimace. ‘Baby’? He’s never called me that before. Does developing feelings mean he wants to call me his baby? Because that's a hard no from me. My face is talking very loud apparently, making him laugh.
“You don’t like me calling you baby?”
“Dear God, no . Please do not ever call me that again. I love it when you call me Lashes, it’s something private for us. But baby ?” I have to pause to stop myself from throwing up in my mouth. “I have literal secondhand embarrassment right now. This is making me seriously rethink having feelings for you.”
He laughs louder now. Damn, he must have it bad if he is just going to laugh away all of my rants.
“Noted, Lashes. I am glad to hear that you do actually have feelings for me, even if that omission came in the form of a tirade.”
Well, that was embarrassingly easy. I’m sure he’s waiting for me to elaborate, but now that I'm thinking about it, nothing is coming out and time is stretching on. I fear we may be stuck here for the rest of eternity, awkwardly waiting for the other to speak.
“Okay, this is weird,” I finally say. “Why is it weird? We have feelings for each other; it’s not that big of a deal.”
“According to Maddie it is a big deal, since I’m in love with you and all.” Eric tries to play it down with a dismissive hand gesture.
“Are you… in love with me, Eric? Was Maddie right?”
I’m not sure why I want him to answer the question or even if I want him to. What if he says that he is in love with me and I’m not ready to say it back? Because I’m nowhere near a point where I would be able to say it and mean it. I’d probably choke on the words if I tried. We may have been fucking for half a year now, but I’m still trying to come to terms with the change in our arrangement—AKA my feelings for Eric. Unfortunately, before I can backpedal and suck those words into my mouth again, he answers.
“I’m not there yet, but I could be with time.”
I release the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding as relief washes over me. Existential crisis averted. It amazes me how easy it seems to be for him to talk about his feelings, when I’m struggling so hard. How long has he had these feelings? It all seems so easy and clear for him when it's still an abstract thought for me. I’ve never really seen myself as somebody to fall in love and settle down. It just never appeared in my cards.
Maybe Maddie is right, though. Maybe we have been dating this whole time. Eric crosses my mind first thing in the morning, wondering what suit he will wear and if he will choose the right tie to set it all off. I think about him when we aren't rolling around in the sack—when I’m doing mundane things like cooking or choosing bed linen. He snuck right into my life and somehow became priority number one.
I take a deep breath and look at Eric. “I can’t promise you anything. And who knows? Maybe I’ll be really bad at this.” I wave my hand between us so he knows what I’m talking about. I have no idea what to actually call it. “It could be a massive disaster, but… I’m willing to try.” A weird pang spreads in my chest and I can’t determine if it's excitement or nerves. I need to figure out my own heart before I let him in there.