Chapter 5 #5
Why should it be that fate was so unaccommodating to this particular pairing?
Ten years ago, he had chosen another over her for marriage.
And tonight, the night that they had finally admitted the feelings that had never entirely been extinguished on either side and furthermore had planned to make good on those feelings, suddenly the tiny, secluded world they inhabited rejoined the larger world.
She had to go and tell Douglas he was free. The innkeeper’s daughters were probably crying the news to literally everyone, but Joy told herself she had an obligation to share what she knew. Otherwise, she might be accused of keeping him ignorant simply so she could indulge her own desires.
When she knocked at Douglas’s door, he opened it immediately. And he was wearing his greatcoat and hat.
Her heart plunged further. Obviously, he was intending to leave soon, tonight. Possibly without even informing Joy of his plans.
“The road north is clear,” Joy said dully. “I just heard the news. I see you have as well, since you’re leaving.”
Douglas looked down at his outfit, then looked up at her in alarm.
“What? No. I mean, I did hear the news, but I’m not leaving.
I just helped my roommate load his horse with everything he needed for travel.
He’s riding onward tonight, thanks to the moonlight, since he has but two hours or so to go before he reaches his destination. I was coming in, not going out.”
“Then you didn’t intend to leave?” Joy asked hesitantly.
“You mean, leave without telling you anything? Abscond into the night, leaving you without any gentlemen to appreciate your charms? Joy, do you think that I’ve learned absolutely nothing over the past ten years when it comes to being straightforward with you?”
“It’s just that I know you’re very eager to return home to your son.
” And here Joy began to break down, unable to keep all of the feelings welling up in her from overflowing.
“And it occurred to me that I am going to be denied you once again. And all I wanted was one night. But I don’t seem to be able to have even that.
And I could never ask you to deny the person you love best what you have promised simply to dally with your long-lost…
well, however it is you think of me. I realized how grateful I was for the storm, because it kept you near me and allowed me to admit a truth that I’ve been denying for the past decade.
I’ve never stopped loving you. I was furious at you, and I think if anyone asked, I would’ve said that I hated you.
But in my heart, I have known that you were the only man I’ve ever really wanted to be with.
But the road is now clear, and you must go and fulfill your promise.
We will go our separate ways and we will simply have to forget how close we might have come to indulging in this fantasy. ”
“Joy, I’m not leaving.” To emphasize the point, he peeled off his greatcoat, and then flung his hat off. “I’ve no desire to risk the road at night simply to arrive few hours earlier. I am sure my son would rather that I return home late than return home a little early and in a coffin.”
“You shouldn’t joke about things like that.”
“I’m not joking at all.”
“You’re good man, Douglas. I wish I hadn’t spent a decade blaming you for all the unhappiness I felt.”
“I wish that I hadn’t given you any reason to blame me at all. Whatever you may have thought about me, I am sure I deserved it. All I can do is ask your forgiveness.”
“I do forgive you. And I will always remember you.”
She turned away and began to walk down the hallway. She hadn’t gone more than three steps when she heard the floorboards shake beneath her, and Douglas grabbed her hand in his.
“What is this? Are you washing your hands of me just when we’ve finally sorted through all the nonsense that’s been accumulating in our souls for ten years?”
“Douglas, you said it yourself. It’s too late for us.
And although I would love to indulge in the dream of what life might have been if we’d actually married, a part of me can’t believe that one night of pleasure will outweigh the sadness of spending the rest of my life knowing that that was the only night I could have.
It’s better this way. We can both keep our dreams of each other without puncturing them with reality.
I truly do wish the very best for you. I hope you get home quickly to your son and you’re able to celebrate Christmas together as you intended. ”
“And what are you planning to do?” he demanded.
“I don’t know. If I can, I’ll go back to London in the morning.
There’s no point in my traveling further.
I’ll just retrace my journey and it will be as if this trip never happened.
I assure you, my cousin won’t even really care that I never made it there.
I’ll write, of course, but my absence will not be a cause for sadness. ”
Douglas said, “I beg to differ.” He frowned at her for a moment said, “You’re really intending to just leave me right now? This is the end?”
“Yes. Not because it’s what I want, but because it’s the only choice.”
“I see.” He ducked his head down to say in a much lower voice, “Then may I have a kiss goodbye?”
Joy could not deny him that. But they were in a public corridor, and she simply could not risk the embarrassment. “Not here.”
“My room. As I said, it’s empty at the moment.”
Joy let him pull her toward the doorway.
He shut the door behind them and then turned so he could press her against the wall.
He lowered his lips to hers, and kissed her with a longing that nearly had her in tears.
Joy kissed him back, vowing to herself that she would memorize every sensation in her body at the moment so that she would always have something to cling to in the days and years ahead.
She sighed as he teased her mouth open with his tongue, and she could hardly suppress a moan when he began to bite her lower lip.
She reached up to steady herself and fisted the linen fabric of his shirt, pulling him toward her.
The kiss turned hungry, and then she felt his mouth curve into a smile as he murmured, “If you keep kissing me goodbye like this, you’ll never leave.”
She didn’t want to leave. She wanted to stay wrapped up in his arms for eternity.
But one kiss couldn’t refute all of her well-intended arguments and reasons, no matter how persuasive or passionate.
Which did not explain why she was still kissing him, and why the single kiss goodbye had turned into a dozen.
“Douglas…I can’t just stay like this forever,” she whispered between these impossibly sweet kisses.
“I understand,” he told her softly. And he stepped back.
Joy watched him, not sure what he meant. “You understand?”
“Of course. You can’t stay where you are. Who can? But I can’t tell you what’s next, love.” He stepped back further, saying, “You can go out my door, or go over to my bed. Your choice, my love.”
Joy glanced at the bed, at the door. She knew what she wanted. Of course she knew that. But it was one thing to dream of it, or even to talk about it. It was quite another to do it.
Douglas took a step toward the bed, and at the same time he shrugged out of his jacket. “Maybe I can make the decision easier.”
He sat on the edge of the bed, and loosened the cuffs of his linen shirt.
He pulled it over his head, and she saw a half-undressed earl smiling at her.
She’d never seen Douglas like that before, and what a shame, because he looked very good indeed.
How did his shoulders get so big? Or his chest so powerful-looking?
“You’re staring, love,” he said, leaning back on the bed, giving her more to stare at.
“I’m sorry.” She was not in the least sorry.
“No, I like it. Do you need more help to make a decision?” He reached to undo his falls, and Joy gave a little gasp. He was not…
Oh, he was. A moment later, she was staring at an entirely undressed earl, and one who was very interested in her, to judge by… Well, she forgot there even was a door behind her.
She walked toward the bed, stopping at the edge as he sat up to meet her, putting his arms around her waist. “Will you stay?” he asked, looking up at her, his eyes strangely vulnerable even though his tone was light.
“You’re very convincing,” she whispered.
“You mean I was able to drive you mad with lust for me?” His smile grew hopeful.
“Mad with curiosity,” she breathed. “And a little lust, I suppose.”
“That’s enough for me. What are you curious about?”
“How you’ll feel.”
As she spoke, he slid her skirts up and encouraged her to kneel on the bed, effectively straddling his lap.
“Do you want me to take my gown off?” she asked, thinking that this was not an equal situation.
He didn’t seem to mind. “Leave it on for now. I’ll unwrap my present slowly.” He ran his hands up under the fabric, skimming her legs and her waist, teasing her with a light touch.
She exhaled slowly, savoring the sensation.
“Did he ever touch you like this?” Douglas asked.
“Not like this.”
“Did he run his fingers into your snatch and draw out all the moisture?” he asked, watching her reaction.
She shook her head, unsettled by the blunt language, but undeniably excited.
“Should I do that now?” he asked softly.
She nodded. And then moaned when she felt his fingers there, very lightly. The gown hid his movements from her sight, but her body thrummed with need as he began to stroke her.
“Did he play with you and circle you like this, teasing you for too long while you begged him to just touch that little sweet, hard pearl right there and let you feel that release?” As he spoke, he did all the things he spoke of, and he must have known from the way she was gasping and thrusting her hips in response that this type of touch was not something she could ever have enough of.