Chapter 28 Gunbae
Gunbae
Tae
Tae had just returned from the Korean grocery store, bringing all the bags in from his car, when he heard the clatter of a
dropped spoon. He rushed into the kitchen to find his mom gingerly bending over to pick it up.
“Aigoo,” she moaned as she held her healing ribs.
“Mom, are you okay?” Tae ran up to her to help her stand. “Come sit down.”
“No, no, I’m okay. I have no time to sit,” she said, brushing his hands away.
Tae looked around the kitchen. All the burners were turned on with pots and pans ready to be filled. An onion and garlic cloves
sat on the cutting board.
“Umma, what are you doing?” Tae didn’t want to be furious at his mother. But his fuse had been short the last few days, and
he couldn’t help but snap at her. No matter how many times he told her to rest and recover, she just wouldn’t listen. Neither
would his father.
“I’m making lunch. Did you get everything I asked from the store?”
“I got whatever was on the list. If you didn’t put it on the list—” he shook the paper itemizing the one thousand things his mother wrote down in her terrible Hangul penmanship “—then, I didn’t get it.
” Why it mattered whether he got firm tofu or extra firm tofu, bean sprouts or mung bean sprouts, he couldn’t figure out.
Was it just the world’s cruel form of punishment, roaming around a Korean market for the right ingredients?
“Taehyung-ah, why are you yelling at me?”
Tae closed his eyes and let his head fall back on his shoulders. God, give him strength.
Tae needed some air. He needed to take a breath and calm down. “I’m sorry, Mom. But you’re supposed to be resting. And you
never listen.” He shook his head. “I’m going out back. Umma, listen to me. Do not put away the groceries. I will do that when
I come back in. Okay?”
“Okay, okay,” she replied. He didn’t believe her. Fine, let her be stubborn and put away the groceries and aggravate her ribs.
Whatever.
With a frustrated growl, he gathered up all the grocery bags from the kitchen counter, hanging the bags with their heavy contents
on his arms, and took them outside with him. Childish, maybe. But he didn’t trust his mother to listen to his simple request.
And he needed to keep her from hurting herself.
Fights between Tae and his folks had increased since the car accident. They were both more needy than they’d ever been. And
Tae was more irritable. He was so tired of being angry, then overwhelmed with guilt and frustration, and then feeling total
helplessness. Everything felt out of control.
And fuck, he missed Julia. He had been awful to her.
He would never forget the look on her face when she drove away.
He was angry, yes, but he had also been exhausted and irritable and felt like giving up so many times the days since the accident.
And he’d hurt her with the truth. It wasn’t how he’d wanted to come clean to her about his deal with her grandma.
But he’d used the information like a weapon.
Julia deserved better than the mess that Tae had become.
Now he hid in the house afraid to run into Grandma Song. And he held tight to his phone, cursing at its inactivity, knowing
Julia would never reach out to him again.
Tae put the groceries down on the patio table, drowning out his mother nagging him through the screen door about taking the
food outside where the air was dirty. He sat in one of the old deck chairs, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, half his
ass falling through the broken weave of the seat. He had been such a dick to Julia. And apparently was so good at it he’d
decided to be a dick to his parents too. And while he was at it, he was a dick to the guy working the In-N-Out drive-through
the other day for not giving him a straw.
He hadn’t been sleeping well, thoughts of all his bad choices dancing in his head, taunting him. His email inbox screaming
at him: his employer telling him to confirm resignation and to clear out his desk, his roommates telling him to clean out
his apartment, and the last thing Tae wanted to do was go back to Chicago. The second-to-last thing he wanted to do, if he
was being truthful, was stay here stuck in Irvine. Not like this.
The sliding door opened, and Tae looked back just as Min stepped outside, a bottle of soju and two shot glasses in his hands.
“Isn’t it a little early for that?” Tae lifted his chin to the booze.
“From what I hear, I’m a few days late with this, actually.”
“Was it Mom or Dad that asked you to come and calm me down?”
“Does it matter?”
Min took the seat next to Tae and poured the soju into the glasses.
“Gunbae,” they both said, clinking glasses and downing the contents. Tae shook off the burn and put his glass down. Min refilled it.
“Oh, it’s gonna be one of those days, huh?” Tae asked.
“What’s going on with you, Tae?”
“I have no idea what you mean,” Tae replied.
“Let me clarify. An angry Tae turns the universe on its head. No one knows what to do with this misalignment of moon and stars.
Why are you so pissed off?”
Well, that was a loaded question. Should he start with the fact that he felt stuck here taking care of his parents and couldn’t
live his own life? Or the fact that he threw the only really good thing in his life away when he shunned Julia and lied to
her about working for her grandmother? Let’s not forget the fact that she paid for his dad’s medical bills but denied it when
called out.
“Nothing’s going on,” Tae said flatly. It was just easier not to talk about it.
His brother glared at him, aggravated. Min leaned back in his chair, looking out over their backyard. “You can be a dick to
me. I can take it. Maybe I haven’t been the most caring hyung to you, but one way I can be there is to let you take it out
on me. Better me than our parents, anyway.”
Tae wanted to be mad at his brother. The nerve of him to act like he wanted to protect their parents. But fuck, he was tired
of being angry. Because Min wasn’t a dick. He was just different. He was ambitious and driven, and that took focus. They were
just two different people, and they served their family in different ways.
“Look, I’m sorry I was such a prick at the hospital,” Tae said.
“Just the hospital?” The corner of Min’s mouth rose. He poured them two more shots.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of their mother in the kitchen, humming a church hymn.
“A friend of mine is in town from Korea,” Min said, finally breaking the silence. “He works for a big company out there and is here for some business and to visit his family. He told me he is having dinner with one Julia Song of Starlight Cosmetics. He’s pretty pumped about it, too.”
Tae’s heart stopped. He felt like he’d been punched in the solar plexus. That was quick. Tae grabbed the bottle of soju and
poured himself another glass. He threw it back and waited for the alcohol to kick in to numb some of what he was feeling.
Too much emotion battling for the top spot within him.
“That’s cool. Is he a good guy?” Each word physically hurt him to say. But Julia deserved a good guy. Who knew? Maybe this
friend of Min’s could end up being the guy who finally won Julia’s heart. Sounded like he had big bucks. Wouldn’t that be
amazing? Maybe she’d marry him, and Tae’s magical power to date the girl before she found The One would work yet again.
His chest tightened.
Tae reached for the bottle again. Min grabbed his hand before he could pour. He gave him a warning look. Tae met his brother’s
glare. He was not going to be the one to budge. He didn’t need a babysitter or a priest right now. They stared each other
down until Min finally let go. Tae filled his glass, brought it to his lips, and swallowed.
“He’s a really good guy. One of the best, actually. He’s smart, successful, and tall. All the things Julia wants.” Min laughed
at his own joke. Hilarious. Coming from Min, it sounded like he was making fun of Julia, and Tae really didn’t appreciate
that. “He’s the perfect fit. But we know how those perfect fits ended up with Julia. At the end of the day, everyone thinks
she doesn’t know what she wants. But I disagree. I think she knows exactly what she wants. He’s just being too big of a baby
to step into the shoes and be there for her. He can’t believe that she’d want him, so instead he’s pushing her away.”
Tae’s anger brewed inside of him. He did not need his brother meddling in his nonexistent love life. And he was so tired of being there for everyone. He didn’t have it in him to be there for Julia too. “Well, maybe everyone should just mind their own business.”
“Yeah, well, that would be a lot easier if you weren’t being such an asshole to everyone out of your own frustration and regret.
Everyone’s a lot happier when you’re not being a dick.”
“I can’t be responsible for how everyone feels,” Tae snapped back.
“Exactly.” Min had a smug look on his face. He’d made his point.
Tae shook his head, trying to block out everything his brother was saying to him. “Anyways, it’s not like that with me and
Julia.”
“Yeah, see, I don’t really believe you. I saw the two of you at the hospital. I know there’s something going on there. Shit,
there’s something been going on there since we were kids. You’re not with Kari. Mom and Dad are okay. So what I wanna know
is why the fuck my friend Andrew Lim is going out to dinner with Julia instead of you?”
Tae slammed his hands on the table, shaking the bottle and the glasses. “She fucking paid for Dad’s hospital bills without
telling me. She threw her money in my face. With the best of intentions, she made me feel smaller than I’ve ever felt. I couldn’t
handle it. The finances. Taking care of our family. I couldn’t even handle taking care of Julia. And now I think I’m unraveling,
like genuinely losing control of everything I’ve been trying to hold on to.”
“Okay, calm down. What the fuck?”
“Don’t tell me to calm down.” Tae was shaking. Why was he so out of control?
“Tae, have you thought about seeing someone to talk to?”
“What, like a shrink?”
Min shrugged. “Yeah, like therapy.”
Honestly, Tae hadn’t ever considered it. He was always the happy-go-lucky guy. Easygoing. Didn’t let shit get to him. Sure,
there had been some dark times. He was certain he’d battled depression when he lived in Chicago. But he had to admit that
things were starting to feel overwhelming, and his emotions went from the high end of the spectrum to the low so fast it made
him dizzy. He felt like he was trying to hold on as hard as he could but could feel his grip slipping.
“I wouldn’t even know where to look,” Tae admitted.
“I know some people. I can give you a couple names,” Min said. “I like my therapist a lot, but you may not feel comfortable
going to the same person.”
Tae had no idea that Min was going to therapy.
“I didn’t know,” he said.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I know Koreans typically don’t believe in it. They think you just go to church and pray harder,
and everything will be okay. But, yeah, that never worked for me. I go to therapy, and I have no issue telling anyone that
I do. I just never told you,” Min said. “But it’s helped give a lot of things in my life some perspective. I think it could
help you too.”
Tae nodded. Perspective sounded really good right about now. He’d definitely need to look into it.
“And Tae?”
Tae looked over to meet his brother’s eyes. His big brother. His hyung. Tae resented him at times for not playing the big
brother the way Tae wanted him to, needed him to. But sometimes Min surprised him. “Yeah?”
“Figure your shit out with Julia before you lose her to a guy like Andrew. Because you will. Lose her. She doesn’t want you
for your job or your title or your bank account. So don’t put that on her.”
“You don’t understand,” Tae said, shaking his head.
“I understand that you’re being a whiny bitch.
And I understand that you’re just looking for lame excuses to sabotage what’s going on with you and Julia because you’re so fucking scared to be happy for yourself.
It’s just like Chicago. You were fucking scared so you sabotaged that too.
I can appreciate that you were unhappy, but don’t make it about me finding you that job or Dad encouraging you to go.
You got freaked out about what your life might become, and you turned into someone none of us recognized.
I thought we’d finally seen you again since you’ve been back. But I’m beginning to wonder.”
Tae didn’t know what to say to all of that. Was he sabotaging his life because he was afraid?
“Fuck you” was all that he could think to say.
“Nice. Get it out of your system. Maybe then you’ll have calmed down enough and have some real words to say when you talk
to Julia.”
“I’ll never match up to her. She’s out of my league anyways,” Tae said, shaking his head.
“Damn straight she’s out of your league. But instead of making that an excuse to stay away, maybe be with her and be thankful
for it every damn day that you’re together.”
“I don’t know . . .”
“Well, you keep doubting yourself and taking your own sweet time. I’m sure after Julia’s moved on with her life, you’ll easily
find someone to replace the void. No problem.” Min’s voice dripped with sarcasm. Asshole.
He knew what Min was saying made sense. But he just couldn’t see how it could work. “Since when did you become Dr. Phil?”
“I told you, I have a very good therapist.”
“Since when did you decide to become my big brother?”
Min tucked his lips, holding in the frustration he clearly felt. Tae was being a dick on purpose.
“When you stopped trying to be a fucking saint and proved you needed help too.”
Tae glanced over at his brother. Was that what kept him so distant? The fact that he thought Tae never needed help? God, he thought about all the times he needed someone, anyone, to offer a helping hand. He conceded.
“Well, thanks for showing up,” he said.
“Tae, one more thing. Consider this a life lesson from your big brother. Check your sources, verify details, before throwing
your life away.”
“Um, thanks?” Tae laughed. “What do you mean by that cryptic message?” Didn’t Julia say something similar as her parting blow
before she drove away?
“What I mean is . . . it wasn’t Julia who paid for Dad’s hospital bills.”
Tae’s head jerked up in surprise. “What? How do you know that?”
“Because it was me who did.”