Chapter 30 The Most Valuable Thing
The Most Valuable Thing
Tae
After weeks of basically not leaving his room, weeks of beating himself up over blaming Julia for something she hadn’t done,
weeks of berating himself for getting angry at everyone, Tae finally picked up the phone.
He needed help.
Tae could finally admit he wasn’t able to process on his own everything he’d been feeling. He could finally surrender to the
fact that therapy could help. And he finally fought through the dark clouds looming over him and mustered the energy to actually
dial the number Min had texted him, a therapist that Min had recommended. She would see Tae even though he didn’t have insurance.
He could pay her session by session.
Min offered to help.
Tae must have been in really rough shape for his brother to keep coming through like this.
“Taehyung-ah, make sure you save space in your luggage for the food I packed,” his mom called out from the kitchen.
Tae closed his eyes and smiled. She probably had ten containers lined with plastic wrap, sealed and then tied in plastic grocery bags, ready for him to take back to Chicago.
Food enough for a month. Never mind that he was only going to be there for a week—and that there were restaurants in every other building on his block.
“Mom, just keep in mind that I don’t have much room,” he called back. He hadn’t planned on bringing anything other than his
small duffel bag.
“Oh, okay. Don’t worry, then. I’ll put it all in a separate suitcase for you,” she said.
“Seriously, I don’t need another suitcase.” He looked up to see his mom standing in the doorway at the top of the stairs,
holding a wooden spoon in her hand.
“Tae, just take it. Fill the refrigerator,” she said.
He wasn’t going to argue and remind her that he was moving his stuff out of the apartment. His roommates would likely appreciate all the home-cooked food anyways. “Okay, fine. I’ll take a separate
bag.”
“And don’t forget to bring back all the containers.”
“Yes, Umma.”
Tae had done a lot of thinking. For someone who liked things to be easy, the emotions he’d faced the last few weeks were more
than he could handle. Min was right. Therapy would help. He needed perspective, and he needed to talk things out. But first
he needed to finally make the decision and cut ties with things from his past. The baggage was too heavy for him to carry
around the rest of his life. Tae was ready to say goodbye to Chicago, finalize his separation from his job, and move his stuff
out of his apartment. He still had some stuff at Kari’s place, but he decided it best to just consider that a casualty of
the breakup and not attempt to get any of it back. He really hoped they could end up friends.
His parents weren’t quite fully healed from their wounds, but they’d be okay without him. He made them swear they’d call him
at any time if they needed something. Plus, Min was only thirty minutes away. Tae still felt nervous, but he had to let that
go. He had to make space to live his own life too.
Baby steps.
And then there was Julia. He’d ruined any romantic future with her beyond repair. And that was the emotion he had the hardest
time dealing with. Regret. And loss. He’d lost—no, he’d pushed away—the woman that he loved. But what he hated the most was
just when she’d so firmly rooted herself into his life, he’d pushed her out. She was gone. And he missed her so much.
Running into her at the market felt equally like a knife to his chest and a healing balm to his heart. His fingers itched
to touch her, his arms longed to hold her, his ears desperate to hear her laugh. He wanted her to tell him it would all be
okay. And he wanted to believe it.
But what he had hoped was destiny for the two of them, friends since childhood, meeting again as adults, and falling in love
through a series of bad dates with other men, might have made for a successful Netflix rom-com but didn’t end up being in
the cards for them in real life. Would there be another chance for them? Maybe. He wouldn’t push, though. They both needed
time to figure their own stuff out. Wait and see, as she had said.
“Are you finished packing?” Tae’s dad brought him out of his thoughts. He passed Tae a beer and patted him on the back. He
took a seat at the edge of Tae’s bed. It was weird seeing his dad in his space. His parents didn’t come down here often, trying
to respect Tae’s need for some privacy.
His dad patted the spot beside him, and Tae came and took a seat.
“Mom’s got a whole other suitcase full of food to pack. But I should be ready to go by tomorrow morning. You still okay to
drive me? I can take an Uber.” Tae preferred his parents never drive again. But he couldn’t demand that of them. And his dad
was too in love with the used Honda CR-V they’d bought to replace the car totaled by the accident.
“No, no, I can drive you. The Orange County airport isn’t so busy, so I’ll be fine. How are you feeling about returning to Chicago? It will be good to see your friends, no?”
This was new. Tae’s family didn’t talk much about feelings, and he didn’t share details about his life with them too often.
He didn’t know how to explain to his dad he didn’t actually have any friends in Chicago. “Sure. But I really just want to
take care of business and come back as quickly as I can,” Tae said.
“You don’t have to worry about me and Mom. We’ll be okay.”
Tae nodded. Easier said than done.
“Tae, I’m so proud of who you are,” his dad said out of nowhere, surprising Tae.
Tae swallowed the lump of emotion in his throat. “Um, thanks, Dad? What’s with this sappiness out of the blue?”
“I don’t say it enough is all. I don’t want to risk a day going by that you don’t know it,” his dad said. “And I’m so happy
you’ve decided to come home for good. I know I pushed you to move to Chicago originally. You’ve always tried to obey my wishes
and do what you thought I wanted. But I wanted to tell you I didn’t suggest you move and take a new job because I wanted better
for you. I just thought maybe you might want something bigger for yourself. I didn’t realize it would end up making you feel
smaller on the inside.”
Tae tried to steady himself, his emotions threatening to erupt out of him. Relief that his dad was letting him off the hook.
Frustration that they hadn’t had this conversation before he’d left for Chicago. He hadn’t realized how painful it had been
living a life he never wanted in order to make someone else happy. Hearing his father’s side of it all released something
inside of him. Tae felt like he could take a deep breath for the first time in a long time.
“It’s okay, Dad. It was a good learning experience. I’m just happy to have come to the realization that I’m happier here, close to you and Mom, helping everyone in the community.”
“You’ve sacrificed so much for this family. Maybe too much, too much of yourself.”
Whew, they were going to have this talk right now. Tae wasn’t sure he was ready.
“No, Dad, I don’t see it as a sacrifice. I’m here because I want to be,” Tae tried to explain.
“I’m glad, son. I’m glad you’re here. But even here, you have to live your own life. And you have to let Mom and me live ours
too.”
Tae wanted to disagree. He wanted to accuse his dad of not being able to take care of himself. But he wanted what his dad
was saying to be true too. Tae wanted to build his own life and not just make it about taking care of others at the cost of
taking care of himself.
He wanted to do things that made him happy. He wanted to be in love. He wanted to feel like he had a life of his own. What
was stopping him?
His father stood up and looked down at Tae. In this moment, Tae felt like he was a kid again, looking up to his dad, waiting
to be told what to do.
“Son, no one expects you to be perfect. We don’t need that. We just want you . . . happy, settled.” He put one hand on Tae’s
shoulder and, with the other one, held up his beer bottle toward his son.
Tae smiled. “Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it. Cheers.” Tae’s bottle met his dad’s, and then he took a pull. He had a lot to think
about. But first, he had to focus on working on himself.
As his dad made his way gingerly back up the stairs, Tae grabbed his laptop and opened his email. He hit Reply to the one
from Jess Kim from Starlight. With everything going on the last few weeks, Tae hadn’t had a chance to even consider the work
she’d asked if he’d be available to do.
Hey Jess,
Thanks again for your message. And thanks for thinking of me to do this project with your store layouts. Unfortunately, I’m
a little stretched at the moment and don’t think I’ll be able to take on extra work. Please feel free to ping me if you just
need an extra set of eyes or an outside opinion on something. I’m always available for a quick consult.
This was right. Though the opportunity excited Tae, he had other stuff to work on, to keep him busy. He liked being needed,
and he wanted the work. But this was just too big a responsibility right now and had the potential to overwhelm other parts
of his life. Plus, well, he didn’t think seeing Julia regularly at the office would be easy on either of them.
“Taehyung-ah, come upstairs. You have a visitor.”
Tae’s heart stopped.
Julia?
She had bigger balls than he did. Maybe a couple days was all the time she’d needed. He smiled. Why wasn’t he surprised?
Tae took a quick look in the mirror and patted down his hair. He sniffed his armpits. Clean. Looked at his teeth. Clear. He
held back from running and taking the stairs two at a time. He was chill, the epitome of relaxed. He tripped on the final
step and fell through the door, landing on his hands and knees. When he looked up to see her sitting on the sofa, he scrambled
to his feet.
“Oh. Annyeonghaseyo,” he said with a bow. Not Julia, but her grandmother. Halmoni. The tiny elder was a force, and her presence
took up the whole room.
“Come sit down,” she said.