Chapter 29 Time #2
“Nonsense. I hated working in that apothecary. You smelled how bad the herbalist’s store was. Imagine having that smell coming out of every nook and cranny of your body, being around it all day. Miserable, I was. Happy to go live on a farm with your grandfather, I be.”
Wait, maybe her grandmother actually was the Korean Yoda.
“It wasn’t a hard choice for me either, Julia. Your dad wanted to come to America. To do so, we both made sacrifices. Together
we decided how we would make a living and build our family and lives here. Whatever I gave up, I didn’t do it for him. I did
it with him.”
Julia couldn’t believe how she’d misunderstood it all. Maybe completely misunderstood what love meant.
Julia looked to her grandmother, the stoic woman who very rarely wore emotion on her face. Her grandmother squeezed her hand.
“Wait and see, Julia. The timing wasn’t right. You and Tae each have things you need to do. But wait and see,” Halmoni said.
Julia swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. Maybe she could wait and see. Wasn’t Tae worth it? Wasn’t she? She wasn’t
sure how this would all end up, but nothing was gonna solve itself today.
And speaking of things she needed to do . . .
“Can you both come outside to the family room where Dad is? I have some news.”
Well, it was her own fault.
After telling her family she’d be going to Korea, Julia suddenly wanted her mom to make doenjang-jjigae for dinner, and they
didn’t have any of the fermented soy paste needed. She told her mom she could make something else, but her mother was so shocked
Julia was craving something she’d never really wanted in the past that she insisted Julia go to H Mart to pick some up. Damn
these new adventurous taste buds.
There were days when H Mart felt like a treat, and she loved going up and down the aisles picking out random things she’d want to eat, especially the candy and cookies aisle.
But not Wednesday afternoons. On Wednesdays, H Mart dropped their sale items for the week and the place was a zoo, filled with people fighting over ridiculously inexpensive produce or boxes of canned iced coffee.
Julia made her way to the aisle with all the various brands of doenjang and looked for the brown container her mom described.
She stopped and stared. There were at least thirty different kinds, and they were all labeled in Korean.
“Shit,” she said. Were they really all that different? Maybe it just wouldn’t matter. Julia reached for the nearest one when
a hand reached over hers for a container on the shelf above it.
“This one’s better. It’s the one your mom uses.”
Julia froze midgrab. She turned slowly and let her eyes roam every inch of Tae Kim standing there. It was as if she’d spent
a lifetime away from him. Her entire body ached to reach out.
Tae dropped the doenjang into her basket. “Hey, Jules,” he said, lowering his eyes, tapping his foot nervously.
“Hi, Tae,” she said in an almost whisper.
“Fancy meeting you here . . . in the fermented foods aisle. Feels almost appropriate.” He laughed. It sounded sad. It hurt
to hear.
“How’ve you been?” she asked.
“Oh, you know, beating myself up over having been a complete dick to you. Turns out Min paid for my dad’s hospital bill. And
also turns out I’ve been a bit of an asshole to everyone these days, so it’s good to know I’m equal opportunity and didn’t
take it out on just you.”
His shoulders were slouched and his shirt wrinkled. He needed a haircut. And he hid the bags under his eyes with his glasses.
She’d take no pleasure in making him feel bad. It’s not what she wanted.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He shrugged. “I’m figuring some stuff out. I know I’ve been saying that for months. But this time I mean it. Which is exactly
what someone making excuses would say.”
“Hey, I’m glad you’re figuring stuff out. And I know you’ll get there,” she said. Without thinking, she reached her hand out
to touch him, comfort him, but stopped herself midway.
His eyes followed the movement, staring, as if willing her hand to keep going, to reach all the way until it met his.
Julia lowered her hand and let it drop to her side.
Tae closed his eyes, but he couldn’t hide his pained expression.
“Julia, I’m so sorry. I’m just so fucking sorry. I never, ever will forgive myself for how I talked to you. For accusing you.
For being angry at you. For taking shit out on you. For betraying you.”
This time, Julia didn’t hesitate, reaching her hand all the way. She grabbed Tae’s forearm and squeezed to get his attention,
to get him out of this dark place in his head. “Tae, it’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m not hurt, not anymore. I understand. You’ve
been going through a lot, and it got to be too much. You were carrying everyone’s burden, and you were getting crushed by
it. It was just a matter of time before it became too much for you.”
Tae’s Adam’s apple bobbed. She wanted to memorize every movement of his body and save the memories for when she’d allow herself
to sneak thoughts of him in her mind. She couldn’t stay here any longer. It hurt too much.
“I should go,” she said, letting out a heavy sigh.
He nodded, not raising his eyes to look at her, as if he couldn’t watch her walk away.
“Tae, we just both need some space. We need to work on ourselves. And then, maybe, we can see what happens. Let’s just wait
and see,” she said, repeating her grandmother’s words.
“Yeah, you’re right. Wait and see,” he repeated unconvincingly.
“I should go,” she said again. It took every bit of power within her to turn around and walk away.
“Julia?”
She stopped in her tracks but didn’t look back. “Yeah?”
“While we’re waiting and seeing, can I call you from time to time? Just to check in?” The quiver in his voice was undeniable.
She hated that the man with whom everything had been so good, so easy, was now scared to even reach out through a phone call.
But she wouldn’t be able to handle staying in touch with Tae, not without being able to actually touch him.
She turned her head back toward him. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea right now, Tae.”
“Right, yeah, you’re right, bad idea . . .”
“Tae.” She stopped him from his rambling.
“Yeah, Jules?” He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers.
She wanted to give in. She wanted to run to him and wrap her arms around him. She wanted to tell him they’d figure this all
out together.
She didn’t want to hurt him.
“I need time,” she admitted. She had to start being honest with herself about what she wanted, what she needed. No other voices.
She had to do that on her own.
He dropped his eyes, swallowed, and nodded his head. “Time,” he said, letting out a deep breath. “Okay, Jules. I can give
you that. I owe you that.”
Tears welled in her eyes.
“Take care of yourself, Tae,” Julia said as she turned and walked away, leaving the pieces of her heart scattered on the floor
of her local H Mart.