Chapter 12
TWELV E
Jess
“I wish you’d stay…” Brit says as she helps me fold and pack for our flight this afternoon. I look at her and give a soft smile, but she can’t talk me into staying. It doesn’t feel like the right fit anymore. I’m in the way.
My departure seems to have taken her by surprise. I think Brit planned for me to move into the apartment at Liam’s house as soon as we had “the talk.” The one where I told her that Tommy was in love with someone else. She’d mentally already planned out the next six months of my life, tacking me alongside hers. Just another afterthought. Side character. Supporting cast .
“I should really start figuring my life out, you know, post-Tommy?” I exhale, “It’s kind of hard when everyday's a vacation here...” I might mean that as a dig, because for all the drama Brit goes through, her life is a fucking cake walk. Now . It’s a cake walk now . I know it wasn’t always like this, but I ’m jealous. (Okay? Yeah, I can fucking admit it.)
I put a stack of Eden’s pjs in the suitcase, then take a seat beside her on the bed. “Brit, green’s not my color.” (Not entirely true, I’ve rocked emerald before.) She looks up at me, every emotion right there on her face. Sad for me. Embarrassed. A splash of pity. Don’t love that, and that’s why I'm leaving. Right there. That splash of pity.
“If it helps…I’ve been jealous of you for years. And years. Probably from the moment I met you,” she says. That surprises me.
“Stahhhpp it.” I bump her shoulder with mine.
“No really, Jess. You have no idea.” I feel a pang of anxiety for the briefest of moments, then it subsides. “You’re fucking swimsuit-model gorgeous, you’re smart and stylish. Confident and witty. You don’t take people’s bullshit, and yet everyone still wants to be friends with you. And don’t even get me started on how good of a mom you are. Sometimes I worry you’re a better mom to my own kids than I am!” She’s not really looking at me anymore. This, right here, is why I could never be fully honest with her.
“How about this, let’s just accept that we’re both equally amazing, sometimes in different ways, okay?” I don’t want to sit here going back and forth about who’s dick is prettier.
She nods with a smile. Good.
“Now get out of here. I don’t need help packing, I’m sure your fiancé is probably wandering around like a lost puppy looking for you.” She blushes, gives me a quick hug and heads out.
I probably should have left a couple days ago, but when Liam asked for help pulling off an epic proposal that would be worthy of Britain, there was no way I could say no. He knew he botched it the first time, so the second time had to be one for the books. (His words, not mine.) I’m positive we succeeded. They’re sickeningly happy. And I’m happy for her. Not even begrudgingly, I’m just happy for her. I can be jealous and mad and disappointed while still being happy for Brit.
Jess
Just letting you know Eden and I are flying back to DC today.
Tommy
Okay. How is she doing? Sleeping okay for you?
Aside from one measly text a couple days ago, I haven’t spoken to Tommy since I’ve been here. Which was probably for the best. I needed a cool-down period. And to start coming to terms with what will be my new normal. The second part of that, is that as much as I’m dreading going back to DC and dealing with custody and divorce attorneys, I actually have to go do it. I need to know what my life is going to look like once we separate.
I’m definitely not feeling as sad about Tommy as I was. Now it’s just like sadness lite . Last night with Alex might have had something to do with it…
Last night was…like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. It was need and desperation and it was like I’d been parched and I didn’t even know I was thirsty…until him. And I wanted more, but you know the saying, “One is too many and 1000 is never enough?” That was this .
So I was honest with myself and with him. I’ve done the casual sex bit bef ore. (It’s great, no shade there.) Just, it wouldn’t have been casual for me and I’m done playing second fiddle. Done being a seat warmer. I’m no longer competing with dead wives and true loves. I probably could have been content with Alex at some point. (Yeah. Okay. Happy.) I could have been happy with him, but it would have been a lie just like it is with Tommy.
Jess
Yeah, she’s been good. Sleeping okay most nights. Had to bring her in the bed a few times.
Tommy
And how are you?
Fine.
How’s Brit?
Happy.
And Damian?
I don’t know. I assume also fine?
You do know that Summer is here. With him. Right?
Oh, okay.
It’s small. So small. “There’s a large closet that you could maybe put the crib in.” My jaw practically falls open. I’m not having my daughter sleep in a closet. I know I can’t afford a lot, but like, we can draw a few lines. We can share a bedroom, it’s not the end of the world.
“That’s um, not. No. One bedroom is fine, but it does have to be big enough to fit a bed and a crib.” The elderly real estate agent just nods along with me.
Janet came recommended. Probably won’t be seeing any more apartments with her after today.
“I’ll just finish taking a look around and meet you downstairs in a few minutes.” She grabs her umbrella, leaving me in one of the saddest looking buildings we’ve seen so far. I can work with a lot, but this one might be beyond me. Worst part is I can barely afford it.
Hiring a divorce lawyer practically drained my savings, and now I’ll be using the nest egg I got from selling my dad’s house to potentially buy, but probably just rent, for the next six months while I wait for the divorce to be settled. And then…I have no fucking clue. Hope I find a better paying job before then?
I pull out my phone to call May because she asked me to after I looked at places today.
“Hi, Jessie.” I can tell by the tone in her voice that she’s ready to console me.
“It was a bust.” She’s probably nodding along.
“My offer still stands.” I tilt my head up to the water-stained ceiling, letting gravity do the work of keeping my tears in.
“Okay.” I try to keep the reluctance and the fear out of my voice.
“Okay?!” May gets excited. At least there’s that.
“Yeah, okay.”
“Oh my gosh, I just got so excited!” May offered the loft in Noho to Eden an d me while we wait out the separation. Six whole months of it. It’s sort of bullshit. If you decide you want to stop being married to someone, you should just be able to stop. It shouldn’t take six months “without cohabitations” to then stop being married. Feels like there’s some patriarchal bullcrap reasoning behind it.
“I’m going to call Ellen and let her know. She’s so excited to meet you. And Eden! Okay, I’ve got to start cleaning. You just tell me when you plan to be here, and it’ll be all set for you!”
Ellen is May’s girlfriend. Serious girlfriend. It’s still weird for me for May to be with someone who isn’t Jules, but I’m happy for her. May said she’ll stay at Ellen’s to give me and Eden breathing room. She has no idea just how much that means to me right now.
I feel like the walls are closing in on me at Tommy’s house. Like any minute the rug could be pulled out from under me. Probably because it could. He could literally tell me to leave, and I’d have to.
When I get back to the house, I’m surprised to find Tommy in the living room with Eden and not Glenn.
“Hey,” I say hesitantly, closing the door behind me. I don’t take off my rain jacket because I’m pretty sure you can still see the remnants of a fading hickey on my neck.
“Hey,” he says back, sounding a bit off.
“I didn’t know you’d be back so soon.” I thought I had at least another week .
“Decided on a whim to come back.” Decided to take a 23-hour flight on a whim?
“Okay…” I trail off, taking a seat in an arm chair across from him.
“We need to talk.” We both say it at the same time. Normal people would laugh about something like that, but things are stilted right now and neither of us so much as smiles.
“You go first,” I say.
“I’ve been offered partner.” Wow. Wow . My eyes are probably bulging because that’s amazing news. For him. Really means nothing to me. “But I have to commit to a year in Taipei.” Oh. Still doesn’t really mean anything for me.
“I have to take it,” he resigns. I mean nobody’s holding a gun to his head.
“Okay…”
“Is there any chance you’d consider moving?” Here we go.
“No.” That’s my final answer. Absolutely no wiggle room on this. I’m happy for him, but will absolutely not be putting my life on hold to go live in Taiwan for a year. For him .
Tommy drops his head, clearly distraught.
“What if we paid you?” We? Eww. No. Even more of a no than it was before.
“That’s a hard no.” I’m mentally patting myself on the back for not getting up and screaming, “Fuck you!”
“Okay…”
“I want a divorce.” It just comes out.
“Okay…” he says again, not entirely surprised.
“I don’t want anything, I won’t contest the prenup, I just want primary custo dy of Eden. You can come visit her whenever you want. But I can’t move to Taiwan and I have to stop prioritizing other people’s lives, including yours.” When he doesn’t immediately say anything, I add, “I deserve to be happy, too.”
He eventually nods, maybe gets misty eyed, but surprisingly, I don’t. The sense of relief is almost immediate. I guess I’ve moved into bargaining. Before you know it, Tommy will just be a memory I sometimes look back on. It feels good. Better than good.
I’m ready for my fresh start.
September 22, 2023
It’s been ten years since the first time I came here. (Seven years since the last time.) But since we’re moving to New York (today), I thought we’d say goodbye.
Eden and I would have picked up flowers if our SUV wasn’t filled to the brim with suitcases and clothes. Since I didn’t want to pay for movers, all we’re taking is what fits in the car. Eventually I’ll go back for the rest of our stuff, but since Tommy isn’t there, it’ll keep for a little.
In an effort to avoid being on the road too late today, Eden and I arrive at the cemetery early morning. (Definitely want to be in New York before rush hour.) So it’s only a quarter past nine when we reach Amy and Tally’s gravestones. (And okay, maybe I wanted to come early so there wasn’t a chance of running into Alex. I’m sure he still comes here. And I’m su re the sight of him kneeling over his wife’s grave would completely annihilate me.)
The weather’s mild today, just a slight breeze with cool air behind it on this sunny morning. I sit down criss-cross applesauce and place Eden in my lap, hoping I've got maybe three minutes before she gets bored of sitting still.
Hey, Ames…moving back to NYC today…
I haven’t had this issue before, but I’m at a loss for what to say. What to share or talk about. My mind can only think one thing, and it’s like if I can’t say it, I should just leave and not say anything at all.
I think I might have fallen in love with your husband. The tears form in my eyes and I don’t do anything to stop them. I didn’t say it out loud. (Obviously.) But I feel like I may as well have with how surprised I am at the spoken thought.
I think I might have loved him. (Past tense. I don’t let myself love people who can’t love me back the same way anymore.)
Even though it’s only been a minute, at most, I hoist Eden back up, standing with her on my hip.
I don’t think I’ll come back again. I just hope wherever the two of you are, you’re together and happy, or at least at peace. Goodbye, Amy. Bye, Tally.
As we walk back to the car, Eden places a hand against my damp cheek and I move her hand to my mouth and place a big kiss on her open palm.
“Just you and me, baby.”
If you think moving back into your childhood bedroom after college is depressing, just wait till you're a soon-to-be divorcée in your 30s…moving back into your childhood bedroom with your child.
It’s demoralizing.
“Oh, stop it already. It’s not the end of the world. You just moved back to the greatest city on earth!” May comes in, toting Eden with her and just like she found me last time, I’m laid out on my bed staring at the ceiling where there’s still tape from my Lance Bass poster.
I’ve never dated anyone with blonde hair before. (I never dated Alex. I think I just fell in love with him.)
Dating. Holy shit . I might have to do that …again. No , actually. I don’t think I will. There’s comfort in that thought.
“May, I need a job,” I say, rolling over and propping my head up.
“Okay. Go get a job.” I laugh at her overly simplistic answer. I’ve worked for Britain for so long, I’m worried I’m not cut out for the real workforce anymore.
“Okay. I will. Any suggestions?”
“Well, you could start at the cafe downstairs. They can’t make a cappuccino for shit.”
I laugh. “Okay, then. That’s where I’ll start.”
Britain
How you doing, babe?
Jess
Great!
Really?
Sure. I just got hired at a job that pays minimum wage, I’m sleeping in the same bed as I did at 13, and I’m pretty sure the homeless man in front of my building just hit on me.
Okay…
Why don’t you just work for me full time? You could even come back to Spearhead!
Because you don’t actually have any work for me to do. You’re basically paying me to be your friend and give you fashion advice. Which btw, I love you, but I quit.
Are you mad at me?
No. I’m really not. I just have to figure some stuff out on my own.
I hate this.
I wouldn’t say I’m loving it either.
Britain
Can I come visit?
Jess
When were you thinking? My schedule at the cafe is a bit wild at the moment.
Okay, just whenever you can pencil me in.
I’ll let you know in a couple weeks.
Okay…
Tommy
How’s E doing?
Jess
Good! Took a step today. I’ll send you the video.
No way! Really?!
Yup.
How are you? How’s the new nanny?
Fine. New nanny is great, thanks for hiring her.
And the job?
Is great.
Cool.
Yup.
Did you hear Alex is getting married?
Plunk. I drop my phone into the cup of coffee I was pouring. Instantly there’s water in my eyes. My throat gets painfully tight. A hand goes to the pulsing pain in my stomach. Wow .
I pinch my lips together to stop the trembling. I pinch them so hard, my teeth feel like they’ll pierce through the skin at any moment.
“Jess? Your phone is in m y cup.” Christoph, my favorite regular, is staring at me like I’ve flown the coop. (Mentally that is.) (And mentally, I have.)
“Oh, shit.” I reach into the scalding hot coffee, burning my fingers as I do. I hiss, then drop my phone on the ground watching the screen fracture. Perfect .
“Maybe you should just take the morning, doll,” Christoph suggests, understanding I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown.
“Yeah, I think I might.”
I pass Marc on his way to the back office, “I need to go, are you okay?” He’s stoned nine times out of ten, but today he isn’t. I feel like I’m leaving the cafe in moderately capable hands.
“Sure, whatever,” he shrugs me off.
I walk out of the cafe in a daze. Broken phone in one hand, the other sort of just lifted up because my fingers are still stinging from the burn, and then I cry. (Snapshot title would be: “Emotionally Unstable Woman Cries in the City.” ) (It would be accurate.)
I cry the whole walk up to my mother’s home to go relieve a nanny (who makes more money than me) because I might still be a little bit in love with someone who once called me a “bump in the road.”
Britain
Hi, how are you doing?
It’s been a couple weeks, everything alright?
Jesssssss