Chapter 21
“I’m still in shock you’re going on a date with someone who isn’t Liam,” Josie says from the doorway of the bathroom. I’m perched on the toilet seat while Penny attempts to curl my stick-straight hair.
Seven days. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve heard from Liam.
Since I stood in front of him and gave him every opening to choose me.
And not as his friend but something more.
But he didn’t. So maybe I’ve read this all wrong and I really am nothing more than a friend to him, if that.
Because I’ve had seven days of silence. No calls. No texts. Nothing.
His silences used to last a few days, now it's a full week. Each time the gap stretches longer I wonder if a day will come when I lose him altogether.
I’ve replayed Halloween night in my head so many times, I could give Penny and Josie a play by play if they asked. The way Liam’s eyes flashed when he saw me talking to Sam. The pain in his expression he tried to mask before I could catch it.
“It’s just coffee at the bookstore. Not a date.”
“It’s definitely a date,” Penny and Josie say, almost in unison.
“If a man asks you to go anywhere, and you exchange numbers, it’s a date,” Penny explains, like I’m new to dating or something.
“And with Mr. Walker. He’s a catch. All the middle school moms have crushes on him,” Josie adds. The thought occurs to me there’s a good chance he taught her daughter.
Penny releases the curling iron clamp and my hair falls limp down my back. “I don’t think your hair holds curl.”
Holding up my still-warm lock of hair, that most definitely did not hold the curl, I arch a brow at her. “Maybe we’re wasting our time.”
Penny switches off the curling iron and the three of us head downstairs, pulling out chairs around Penny’s kitchen table.
Once settled, I pick up where we left off.
“And it’s not a date with Liam, because Liam and I are just friends.” I’ve said those two words so many times over the last few months, at this point they don’t sound like words anymore.
“We all thought it was more,” Penny says.
Something in my gut twists, because there were so many times I wanted it to be more.
And now, I don’t know what we are. I thought we were building toward something, but I’m afraid it was all in my head.
But the worst part of all is with so many days of radio silence, I’m afraid I’ve lost my best friend. “Well, you were all wrong.”
“Were we, though?” Josie leans in, brow arched. “I swear the way you two look at each other…I mean, it’s obvious he’s obsessed with you. It’s almost painful to watch.”
I reach to twist my earring and take a deep breath. “Can we not do this? Sam seems like a nice guy, and I’d like to have fun with him today.”
“He is a nice guy,” Josie agrees and Penny hums her agreement. “And nice, single men in Singing River are hard to come by. He’s smart, gainfully employed, has health insurance and a retirement plan, he’s good with kids. What more could you want?”
We all look at each other around the table and simultaneously burst out laughing.
“He’s also boring compared to Liam,” Josie finishes. “You know we’re all thinking it.”
I stand to fill each of us a glass of water, needing something to do, and rejoin them at the table.
“Look. I care so much for Liam. I won’t lie, sometimes I’ve wondered what it would be like to be with him.
But something is holding him back. I pressed him the other night.
I point blank asked if there’s a reason for me not to give Sam my number.
He looked me square in the face and said no.
” I pause to take a sip of water. “I feel like I’m ready to get back out there.
Does Sam come across as a bit boring? Maybe. But all I can do is see what happens.”
Penny and Josie exchange a look.
“What?” I demand. “What’s that look?”
Penny sighs and takes a long sip of her water. “So, you’ve noticed something is holding Liam back?”
“Um, yes. Anyone with eyes would notice. Turmoil rages inside of Liam. I’ve seen it. He’s complicated, like Jekyll and Hyde. Flirty one minute, and then it’s like a cloud falls over him.”
“Liam’s been hurt in the past, Cassie,” Penny explains. “His heart is broken.”
My heart pinches painfully, but I have to know more, no matter how much I fear what might come next. “Okay. You’re not giving me much to go off.”
“He was hurt badly, and I think that’s why he’s so…” Penny screws up her face, thinking.
“Emotionally unavailable?” Josie supplies.
“Scared,” I finish softly. That’s it. Liam is terrified.
I think back to that night at the bluff, the night we met, when he looked so haunted for a moment under the moonlight.
And that song I witnessed him playing the morning after I spent the night.
The morning after he held me and I dreamt I heard the name Jules. But I knew damn well it wasn’t a dream.
“Jules.” I say the name aloud. “Is her name Jules?”
The following silence is deafening. Josie and Penny exchange another look, and this time I think I see something like sadness in their eyes.
“Did she, I don’t know, cheat on him? Break up with him?” It’s more than a simple break up. Deep down, I know it is.
More silence follows, and Josie’s eyes are suddenly glassy, blinking rapidly.
I look back and forth between them until Penny places her hand on mine, which I realize is shaking. Maybe I don’t want to know.
“She died,” Penny says, her voice thick. “A couple of years ago Julie died, Cassie. The anniversary is coming up.”
The words land like a clap of thunder, startling me so much I actually rear my head back.
“What?” My words are a strangled sound.
“It was a car wreck,” Josie explains.
Tears spring to my eyes and I think about all Liam must be feeling. Everything, each and every confusing moment, suddenly makes horrible, perfect sense. Even his words that night on the bluff.
We’re all gonna die eventually.
The pain in his voice when he said it. This explains so much. Liam isn’t holding back because he feels nothing. He’s holding back because he feels too much. And he’s terrified.
“I think we’ve said enough,” Penny says, her voice gentle but firm. “Probably too much. This is Liam’s story to tell when he’s ready.”
“What if he’s never ready?” I ask, looking between the two of them.
“Then he’s never ready,” Penny whispers, squeezing my hand.
We sit in silence, the gravity of what they’ve just revealed occupying my mind, and probably theirs. They’ve been friends all their life. Whatever happened had to have been hard for them, too.
I press my palms to my eyes, trying to process this. So many times I’ve turned to him when I needed him. But who is he turning to?
“You okay, Cassie?” Josie asks after at least five minutes pass in complete silence.
I drop my hands and look from her to Josie. Both are wearing matching looks of concern.
“I don’t know,” I admit. “I feel terrible. I wish I’d known. I could be more patient with him, give him more time.”
“Or maybe…” Penny starts, like she’s choosing her words with care. “You’d end up waiting around forever for someone who isn’t capable of getting the help he needs. That’s not fair to you either, Cassie.”
She’s right. I know she is. But it doesn’t stop the ache in my chest. It doesn’t stem the urge to go to him and tell him it’s okay. I’ll wait. I understand.
My phone vibrates with a text and I pick it up to read it.
Sam
Hey! We still on for coffee? I’ll meet you there at 2.
I stare at the message for a long moment.
The grief Liam carries…I can’t fix that.
He has to want to heal, he has to let someone in.
I can help him get the help he needs and be the friend he turns to when he’s ready, if that ever happens, but I can’t put my life on hold waiting for that day.
So what if Sam doesn’t make my heart race the way it does with Liam.
This is something new and it’s worth seeing where it leads.
Yep! See you at 2.
Sam
Looking forward to it :)
“I probably need to get going,” I say after reading Sam’s message.
“You’re still going?” Josie asks, surprised.
“Yep.” I stand, setting my glass in the sink. “I’m still going.”
I slip my purse strap over my head and grab my keys, but right as I’m heading for the door, Josie catches my arm.
“For what it’s worth, I think you and Liam would be great together. If this thing with Sam doesn’t work out, maybe it’ll be the wakeup call Liam needs.”
“And if it’s not?”
Josie gives me a sad smile. “Then Sam’s a lucky guy.”
On paper, coffee with Sam is a perfect date.
He was already there when I arrived, sitting at a small bistro table in the corner. Afternoon light streaming in, highlighting his golden blond hair. He stands when I approach, a huge smile breaking across his face, genuinely happy to see me.
We placed our orders—their new matcha special for me, black coffee for him—and at the last minute Sam asked for a brownie from the pastry case.
“We can share,” he offered, “or I can get two.”
“Sharing is great,” I assured him.
When the barista rang us up, Sam tipped far more than the customary 20 percent and the girl behind the counter blushed, stammering out her thanks.
As we sipped our drinks and pinched off bites of brownie, he asked interesting, thoughtful questions.
Not the usual first-date small talk, but real things.
What made me want to be a therapist, my opinion about current events, what’s the hardest situation I’ve ever had with a client.
He also made me laugh easily and often, with self-deprecating stories about himself.
It was comfortable and easy.
Now, with our coffee finished and the brownie nothing more than crumbs, I’m surprised to find I’m not ready for it to end. So, when Sam suggests we walk around the bookstore, I agree without hesitation.
He pauses at a sticker display near the register and picks one up. On the shiny holographic surface are the letters STFUATTDLAGG in bold pink script.
He turns to me, brows furrowed in confusion.
“What does this mean?”
I pull out my phone to do a quick Google search. When I read the Urban Dictionary entry, I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing. I turn it for him to read my screen, his face reddening all the way to the tips of his ears.
“Oh my god,” he says under his breath, looking around the store. “That’s, wow. Cassie, our sixty-something-year-old math teacher has this sticker on her iPad.”
My eyes widen. “Good for her,” I say under my breath when Sam drops the sticker back in its slot.
He’s flustered, embarrassed, and so earnest about it, I can’t help but laugh a short huff of a breath.
He really is so cute.
We continue browsing, and Sam picks out the new Fredrik Backman book, while I’m stuck deciding between two thrillers I saw last time I was here. I hold them up, one in each hand.
“Help me choose?”
“That one.” Sam immediately points to the one in my left hand. “I’ve already read it. It’s great. Never saw the twist coming. Had me up until two in the morning.”
“Sold.” I tuck it under my arm and we head to the register.
When we do finally leave the bookstore, paper bags in hand, Sam walks me to my car. He drops his keys twice, nerves evident, and his hands keep going to his pockets and then out again.
“I’d really like to see you again, Cassie.”
My response comes easy. The truth is, I’d also like to see him again. Today’s been nice.
I bite my bottom lip to stop the smile that threatens to bloom. “Text me. We’ll plan something.”
Sam starts to back away, but then he pauses, takes a step forward again. “It’s hard not to ask if I can kiss you.”
I’m about to tell him to ask me when he leans down and brushes his lips across the apple of my cheek.
“But I think waiting will give me even more to look forward to next time,” he says, his voice equal parts sweet and mischievous.
Oh my. Sam is a smooth talker. This is not what I expected.
As I drive back to the apartment, I wait for it—the excitement, the butterflies in my belly, the giddy rush of starting something new. And while those butterflies are currently asleep, dormant in some corner, I do feel something. A tiny flicker of warmth.
Touching a finger to the spot on my cheek Sam kissed, I wonder if this is all it took to move on from Liam, who put himself in the friend zone and needs to stay there.
A great day with a good man who made me laugh and seems kind.
Maybe this is exactly what I need. No, I correct, gripping the steering wheel harder. Not maybe. This is without a doubt what I need.
And for the rest of the afternoon I will my heart to believe it.