Chapter 32
My mouth feels like I spent the night eating handfuls of cotton and a thumping pain pounds inside my skull. I crack one eye open, but immediately slam it shut against the bright sunlight streaming into the room, stabbing at my retina. I sift through the fog in my mind, struggling to piece together what the hell happened last night. Bit by bit, memories begin to surface. I remember Penny leaving to go to Josie’s. She was upset about the tabloid post, and I was waiting on a call back from Ty. I will my head to clear, and it all comes flooding back to me.
I was sitting at the kitchen table when my mom’s number popped up. I knew—I fucking knew. But it’s like a force beyond my control was moving my hand to answer the call. The minute I put the phone to my ear and heard the heavy breathing, I knew I was right. I should have hung up right then. I should have hung up and cut off any chance for him to get in my head, but I was paralyzed. It was exactly like every other time this had happened; I was frozen in place, thrown back to my childhood, unsure how to handle an abusive, drunk father.
“Betcha think you’re really something, dontcha.” He was obviously drunk based on the heavy slur to his words. “Saw that picture of you and your fancy new whore.”
Hearing someone call Penny a whore set my blood boiling, unlocking my words. “Shut the fuck up. Just shut up.” I spat the words out, full of anger at this pathetic excuse for a man who had no business even letting her name come out of his disgusting mouth.
“You told her yet that she better run?” He paused, a rattling cough seizing him from a lifetime of smoking. “She better run as fast as she can, cause you know what? You’re a James. And that pretty little redhead needs to steer clear. We’re no good, you and me. Like I always say, don’t go getting in that stupid head of yours that just cause you got a pretty face and some change in your pocket you’ll end up any better than me.”
I knew I should have hung up, should have blocked the number, should have done anything other than sit there and listen to the poison spewing from his end of the call. But I felt like I was rooted to the spot, my hands refusing to cooperate.
“Ain’t got nothing to say, huh?” I hear the sneer in his voice. “Guess you know it's true. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya when you screw her life up, too.” And then the line went dead.
At least ten minutes passed, his words seeping deeper and deeper into my bones the longer I sat there. Before I could talk myself out of it, my truck keys were in my hands and I was heading back to that liquor store to grab the first thing I saw.
The bottle was already to my lips before I even made it back to Penny’s. With an empty stomach I guess it hit harder and faster, because the rest of the night is foggy, only snatches of memories rising to the surface. I started out on the porch, and at some point I must have gone up to the apartment instead of inside the house. I remember at one point feeling so angry at myself that I threw the empty bottle down to her driveway. And it's just black emptiness from there.
I feel movement in the bed beside me and I crack open an eye to see Penny beside me, sleeping peacefully. I can’t even imagine what she must have thought coming home to find me here like that. A fresh wave of self-loathing washes over me and I close my eyes. Apparently my stomach has other ideas, though, because my guts twist and I barely make it to the bathroom in time.
I heave for at least a full minute before I trust my stomach to stay calm. Since I don’t live up here anymore, I don't have a toothbrush so I rinse my mouth out with water and then swish three separate times with Cassie’s mouthwash. Only after I’ve splashed my face with cold water do I dare to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot, but other than that, the same face is staring back at me. Unfortunately, this face still looks like the spitting image of the man who torments me.
“Austin?” I jump, not expecting to hear Penny behind me. She comes up, wrapping her arms around my waist and laying her head on my back. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
I sigh and spin to face her. She wraps her arms around me again and I tuck her head under my chin. A thick silence passes between us and I finally speak into her hair. "Same ol’ bullshit. He saw our picture. Used it as a way to get under my skin. Like I said, same bullshit, different day.”
Penny steps back, looking at me with narrowed eyes. "How long do you plan on letting this go on?"
I stalk to the bedroom without answering her, and she follows me.
"I'm serious! How long? Will you live the rest of your life being harassed by him?"
I whirl around to face her. “What am I supposed to do?” I roar.
She flinches, and a stab of guilt hits me instantly. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry…but please tell me, what am I supposed to do?”
Penny puts a hand on her hip and gives me a pointed stare. "Change your number, for one! It's not hard to do. Let the people who need your number know the new one and that's all."
"What if she needs me?” My voice cracks. “He’ll hurt her again. It’s only a matter of time before he kills her. What then?" I move to the foot of the bed and sit, dropping my head in my hands. The mattress dips beside me and I feel Penny's hand on my back.
“You can’t carry that responsibility. You know that, right? At some point, you have to choose yourself.”
I raise my head just enough for our eyes to meet. Penny’s swim with unshed tears she furiously attempts to blink back, but behind those tears her eyes are blazing.
“Austin, I’m going to say something, and I’ll only say it once.” Her voice doesn’t waver, full of fire. “I do not plan on sharing you with your demons. I’ve already lost one person to this and I’ll be damned if I lose another. You can beat it—I know you can.”
I think back to some things the therapist said in our last session. The suggestion of AA hits me, and for the first time, it doesn’t sound so ridiculous.
“I think you need to talk to Cassie. She was nearly hysterical with worry last night, Austin. She deserves to know what’s going on.”
“No.” I shake my head, fisting the bedsheet in my grip. “I can handle this. I’m not dragging her into it.”
Penny reaches over, taking my hand in hers.
“Don’t forget, I was there in Texas with you and your family. I saw with my own eyes how much they love you, and believe me…” Her voice cracks, and she stops, swallowing hard. “Take it from someone who doesn’t have a family to lean on anymore. You need to let them carry this with you.”
Penny’s words tumble around in my head. I’ve spent a long time keeping this from my family. The thought of telling them, seeing the looks on their faces when they realize what’s been going on, can I handle that?
"All right," I say, my words heavy. “I’ll tell them.”
* * *
Since I crashed in her space last night, Cassie ended up sleeping at Penny's and that's most likely where she still is. I send her a quick text asking if she can come up to the apartment. A few minutes later, I hear the knob turn and Cassie steps inside. She settles onto the sofa, her eyes flitting back and forth between Penny and me, a worried look on her face.
She shifts on the sofa uncomfortably. "What’s going on? You two are making me nervous."
I exhale, forcing myself to meet her gaze. “It’s our father.”
Her eyes narrow in confusion.
I swallow hard. “He calls me—always when he’s drinking. I can hear it in his voice every time.”
Realization hits as my words sink in. Her hand flies to her mouth, eyes searching mine with new understanding. "Is that why your drinking got so out of control?"
"Partly, yeah…" I pause, taking a deep breath. "I can't blame him for everything, as badly as I want to. Some of it’s my own damn fault. Life on the road eventually caught up to me. I couldn’t handle the pressure. But yeah, a lot of it was definitely him.”
"I think he should change his number," Penny interjects. She briefly glances my way before she turns back to my sister. “He has to break the line of communication.”
Cassie nods, her expression serious. "Why haven't you?" she asks.
I give her a pointed look.
“Mom has plenty of our numbers if something happens. You can't keep sacrificing your own mental health on these ‘just in case’ intrusive thoughts."
"That's basically what I told him," Penny agrees.
"Anyway, I’ve decided to tell Aunt Ashley, Uncle Brad, and Tyler." I pause, glancing between them. “It’ll be easier if you’re both here with me.”
I shoot a quick text to the family group chat, and within minutes, both Aunt Ashley and Tyler reply that they’re available to talk. Penny runs to grab her laptop to give us a larger screen and I start the call with Cassie and Penny on either side of me on the sofa.
Once everyone’s on the call, I don’t waste any time. I jump right into it, telling them everything that’s been going on. After my story has a moment to sink in, Uncle Brad—who is normally calm and composed—slams a fist down on the kitchen table and stands quickly. His chair topples backward, and Aunt Ashley turns, pinning him with a stare.
"Brad, it won’t do anybody any good if you go over there," she snaps when he reaches for his keys on the familiar key hook by the door. Her voice is tight. It appears they have some sort of stand-off, but finally my uncle hangs the keys back on the hook, sets the chair upright, and takes a seat again.
My aunt glances back at the screen. "Austin, love…" Her tone softens. "I really wish you hadn’t been dealing with this alone. This explains a lot, but my heart is broken that it’s happened in the first place. I will say, it sounds like you’ve already been given the best advice. I agree with the girls—change your number. But I think it’s time I talk to you and Cassie about some changes that are happening.” She looks over at Uncle Brad and back at the screen. “We have a new police chief. Your dad’s buddy retired.”
My uncle speaks up. “Your dad doesn’t have any sway with this new chief. He’s young and he’s nobody’s fool.”
I sit, blinking at the screen as the meaning behind their words sinks in. “Are you guys saying she might get out?” My voice is rough, barely above a whisper.
“Things are looking up. I’ve been talking to your mom. Not as often as I’d like, but sometimes when he’s gone to work she’ll text me and I’ll go over to visit her.” My aunt looks back and forth between my sister and me. “I bought her a second phone to start documenting everything so we can build a case against him, but both of you need to know how scared she is. This isn’t easy for her to do. But she’s doing it.”
I’m floored by what I’m hearing. For the first time in my life, a spark of hope flickers. I’ve always known deep down my mother doesn’t want to live like this, but I never thought I’d see the day that she’d get out of that nightmare.
I guess since we’re laying it all out there, I might as well tell them about therapy. Up until now, only Penny knows I’ve talked to a therapist. I’m not ashamed I’m going, but it feels very private.
“So last week I started therapy. Cassie sent me some names a bit ago, but my first session was the other day.” My eyes cut toward where my sister is sitting, and hers have welled up. “Thanks, sis,” I say, giving her hand a quick squeeze.
We talk a bit longer about my first therapy session and more about Mom’s situation. Both are conversations I never imagined we’d be having. It’s like all these years we’ve been holding our breath and now, for the first time, we can finally exhale a collective release of tension that’s been building for far too long.
Before we hang up, Tyler reassures me, “As soon as you get that new number, I’ll take care of the rest. Everything that needs to change will be changed and everyone who needs the number will get it.”
We say our goodbyes and as the call ends, a flood of relief settles in. I feel like, for the first time in a long while, things might actually start to change.
"Well, now that that's settled, I'm going back downstairs. My head feels like it might explode from all that,” Cassie says, gesturing to the laptop where we just talked to Aunt Ashley. “I hardly got any sleep last night worrying about you and I’m not sleeping on your whiskey-sweat bed sheets.” She stands and heads to the door. “I love you with all my heart, but you look like shit. Go take a shower.” With that, she opens the door and walks out, her footsteps echoing down the wooden stairs.
I walk over to the bed and lie down, my legs dangling off the edge, feet still resting on the floor. The bed dips, and Penny lies down next to me.
"How do you feel?”
When I turn my head to look at her, her eyes are already on me. “You ever been to a monster truck rally? You know when the monster truck drives across the stack of cars?” I gesture with my hand, mimicking the bounce of those massive trucks over the smaller, crumpled cars. “Well, imagine my head’s the stack of cars.”
Penny gives me a small smile. "I didn't ask how's your hangover. I meant how do you feel about all this?"
I sigh thinking about all the thoughts running through my head. "Nervous. Overwhelmed. Pissed. Relieved. Pick one."
We sit in silence, the only sound the ticking clock on the wall and our breathing. Finally, she breaks the stillness, her voice full of sadness, addressing another elephant in the room. "You leave tomorrow."
"I do," I agree.
Reaching over, I clasp my fingers with hers. "This wasn't how I hoped we'd spend our last days together."
She doesn’t say anything, just nods, her gaze shifting back to the ceiling.
"But you know I’ll be back. My truck is here. I have to come back for her," I say, and that’s when I see it—a grin stretching across Penny’s face. She rolls onto her side and playfully smacks me in the chest.