Chapter 36
Austin was right, there hasn’t been much time to talk. We’ve only managed a few texts here and there, just enough to check in. My chest aches from how much I’ve missed him. The only bright spot has been the Norwegian band that was here to record. They’re young and spunky, and I laughed until my sides hurt more times than I could count. Their music has an electronica/pop sound that’s fresh and exactly what the American pop scene needs.
Each day, we recorded late into the night. We’d start working early, scarf down some lunch, and get right back to it, working until we practically needed toothpicks to keep our eyes open. Around midnight, we’d stop, and I’d drag myself home to sleep before doing it all over again the next day.
We wrapped recording yesterday, and now I find myself staring down a few days with no sessions lined up. Josie’s school year is in full swing, and with all of Abby and Jay’s after school activities, her schedule is more packed than it’s ever been. We haven’t had much time to hang out, and she’s already had to postpone our breakfast date today because Abby has an all-day band competition out of town, which means I’m sitting at my kitchen table alone, sifting through the stack of bills I need to get caught up on.
I’m almost to the bottom of the stack, when an envelope from the bank catches my attention. I sit staring at it with a sinking feeling, my mind already latching onto worst case scenarios. What if I forgot to pay last month? Surely I didn’t. It’s set to auto-pay. But I’ve been distracted the last couple months, maybe something slipped past me?
After several deep breaths, I tear open the envelope and pull out the papers inside. It takes a second for my brain to process what I’m looking at. It’s a mortgage release form, with the words PAID IN FULL stamped across the top in bright red ink.
My breath stutters, coming out shaky as my hand flies to my mouth.
I did it. Oh my gosh, I did it .
The realization slams into me, sudden and overwhelming. I knew I was close, but I failed to realize just how close I was. My nose starts to burn and I drop my head into my hands. This is exactly the win I needed.
Suddenly I know where I have to go. Grabbing my shoes, I go to my car and hop in, heading to the one place I’ve been avoiding for far too long.
The cemetery where my parents and grandparents are buried sits behind the First Methodist Church on the edge of town. My nana and pops’ stones sit next to Mom and Dad’s, with a small concrete bench off to the side. I lower myself onto the ground between their graves.
“Mom and Dad, I did it.” My whisper carries into the breeze, and I’m certain that wherever they are they can hear me. “We’re back on track.”
Reaching up, I trace my finger over my dad’s name engraved on the cool stone.
“I forgive you, Dad,” I say, my voice cracking. “I was pretty damn mad at you, I’m not gonna lie. I still am, but I forgive you. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must’ve felt like for you to lose Mom.” I swallow hard, trying to hold back the sob rising in my chest.
“Mom, you always told me to dream big and I didn’t do that.” My whispered confession is barely audible over the rustle of leaves. “I’ve lived everyone else’s dream. But I think it’s time I live mine.”
I fold my knees to my chest and lean against the stone as my words settle around me. A warm autumn breeze stirs and for a moment, it feels like I’m not alone. Like they’re sitting right beside me.
That's when I see it.
Perched on the bench next to me is a single red Cardinal. It’s standing completely still, watching me. Right after my mom passed away, I spent a lot of time with my nana. She’d always tell me that whenever I see a red bird, it means my mom is near.
Tears spill over unrestrained as the grief I’ve been holding in crashes over me. This time I don’t fight it, I just sit in it, feeling everything I’ve been too afraid to face.
“I miss all of you like crazy,” I say once my tears have slowed. “So many things have happened that I wish you could’ve been here for. I’ve met someone, although I have a feeling y’all already know this. Dad, you’d love him.” A small smile tugs at my lips, even as that familiar ache tightens in my chest. “He’s a good man. You’d love playing music with him. But I have to tell you a secret…he’s not a Bama fan.” I laugh to myself imagining the football debates they’d have if Dad were here.
“Penny?”
A familiar voice startles me, dragging me from my thoughts. I stand shielding my eyes from the sun as Greg walks toward me holding a small bouquet of flowers. He must notice my tear streaked face once he gets closer, because he opens his arms and I go to him accepting his fatherly embrace.
When I pull back, he studies me, his eyes filled with tenderness. “You wanna talk about it?”
I nod but say nothing, turning toward the concrete bench. I sit and he comes to settle beside me. Something inside my chest loosens and I tell him everything. I tell him about the debt and the finances. I tell him about how lonely I’ve been and how much I miss my family. Finally, I tell him about the bedrooms in my house.
When I finish, Greg doesn’t speak right away. He just sits, staring off into the distance, his expression unreadable.
Finally, he turns to me, his voice gentle but firm. “They wouldn’t want you living like this. Your parents would want you to live your life to the fullest, even if it means backing away from the studio some.” His steady gaze holds mine. “It might not have seemed like it there at the end, but your happiness was your dad’s number one concern.”
A lump forms in my throat, but I say nothing.
Greg leans forward, studying me. “So what are you going to do to get that full life back? The life you deserve?”
I allow my mind to consider what a full life even looks like. My mind conjures an image of a life with Austin, maybe a few kids at some point, and a life surrounded by music. That sounds damn near perfect. Ideas begin swirling in my mind and I’m finally ready to get started.
“Greg, I think I have some ideas. Wanna help?”
First, we head to the market and grab all the empty boxes they have by the dumpster. I’ll probably need more than they’ve got, but they promised to save some for me.
Next, I pull out my phone and shoot a text to Cassie.
Hey, you got any plans tonight? I need a big favor.
Cassie
Whatcha need?
Quickly, I type out my plan. I know she’ll understand how important this is.
Cassie
Yep, I’ll head there. Is it alright if Liam and Jackson come? I’m at the bar with them.
Of course! The more the merrier. I’ll order pizzas.
Twenty minutes later, Cassie, Liam, and Jackson come walking up my driveway. Greg hands them boxes and I tell them the plan. He must have texted Lisa, because soon after she pulls up with Ed and Carol right behind her. I know if Josie could be here she would, but she’ll be proud of me when I fill her in later.
It’s long past time to clear out these two rooms and make this house my own and not a shrine to everything I’ve lost. There are things I’ll keep, pieces of my past that deserve a place in my future, but letting it all sit here untouched is just keeping me down.
Greg and Ed select some things they’d like, and we get to work boxing up the rest. The pizzas arrive, and we eat, laugh, and pack the night away. I’ve decided to send everything to the North Alabama Women’s Shelter, but I’ll have to wait until Monday to call them. Until then, we stack box after box against the wall of my parents’ bedroom, the pile growing higher as the night goes on.
* * *
Hours later, I’m alone on the front porch swing, the night air cool against my skin and my heart lighter than it’s been in years, when my phone rings. I smile when I see Austin’s contact photo. It’s the one I took at the drive-in, my lips pressed to his cheek, his eyes wide with surprise. My heart leaps straight into my throat. God, I’ve missed him.
I accept the Facetime call, and the second his face fills my screen a flood of emotion rushes over me, blurring my vision. He looks tired, but not in the hollowed out way he looked when he first arrived in Singing River. This is different. This is the look of someone who’s been working hard. Until this moment, I hadn’t fully realized just how much I’ve ached for this man.
“Penn.” Austin’s face lights up as soon as he sees me. “God, I’ve missed you,” he continues, settling back against the headboard of the bed. “What have you done today? Tell me everything, like I’m right there with you.”
So I do. I tell him about paying the loan off, going to the cemetery, and my decision to clean out the bedrooms. His eyes crinkle at the corners, a proud smile spreading across his face as he listens.
“I’m so proud of you. You did all this all on your own,” he says once I’ve finished.
My smile is wide, mirroring his, as his words sink in.
“I’m kinda proud of me, too,” I admit, with a surge of pride and accomplishment.
“I know you said you’d be with me when I decided to do this,” I say. “But I think it happened exactly how it was supposed to.” My voice catches and I take a second to breathe. “It’s like something clicked today. I’ve spent all this time feeling like I have no one, like I’ve been carrying everything alone, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
I exhale, the weight of that realization hitting me all over again. “They’re my family, and they came through for me when I needed them most. I needed this to happen exactly the way it did.”
“So what’s next?” Austin asks. “What do you see yourself doing now?”
“I can’t quit the studio altogether, I have to eat my candy salad and pay the electric bill,” I say, half-smiling. “But I do plan on taking a little more time for myself. I’d like to see if my dream of performing has legs.” The words leave my mouth before I can second-guess them and a nervous flutter stirs in my chest. He’s the first person I’ve told this crazy idea to.
His dimple makes a full appearance as his face breaks into a huge grin. “It has legs, baby. I know it does.” Then his expression shifts, and his voice turns teasing. “Oh, and by the way, some country singer I know has been working on a few more duets…in case you’re interested.”
“Oh, is that right?” I toss his teasing tone right back at him.
“Yep. Just tell me when you’re ready,” he replies, winking at me through the phone screen. “We’re gonna be so good together, baby.”
“So what do you plan on doing with the two bedrooms?” Austin asks, segueing into another topic.
“I don’t really know. I haven’t gotten that far, to be honest. It wasn’t easy taking this step. Maybe I could turn one into a home library slash office in one. I need a little more time, but I’d consider moving into my mom and dad’s bedroom.
“And what would you do with your bedroom?”
I shrug, noncommittally. “I guess I’ll see what I need. I can leave it empty for now.”
There’s a brief pause before he speaks again. “Would you ever want it to be a nursery?” His voice is hesitant and the question hangs in the air. “Ignore me. I didn’t mean to make things weird. I just miss you and my mind is racing a little.”
“What if I don’t wanna ignore you?” I ask.
We’re both quiet while my words sink in.
“I told you before I left, you’re it for me,” he says, his voice full of tenderness. “I want it all with you. Kids, pets, a whole life.”
“I want it all with you, too.” Warmth spreads from my head to my toes, and the couple hundred miles between us feels like thousands.
“How’s therapy going?” I ask, shifting the subject to give myself a break from the raw emotions I’ve been battling all day. I’ve shed way too many tears and I feel that same burning sensation pricking my nose.
“It’s going,” Austin says with a heavy-weighted sigh. “It's not easy but I’m sticking with it. One step at a time. I like him. He pushes me but I want to do the work. I even told him about the night my dad called. Honestly, I was scared as shit to tell him, but I knew I had to.”
“How’d he react to it?” I ask.
“He wasn’t surprised. He reminded me that Rome wasn’t built in a day. But once I’m home I plan on finding an AA chapter to join.”
Home. He uses the word so casually, so naturally.
“When do you think you’ll be home?” I ask, trying out the word for size.
“Next week we’re in Albuquerque, then Red Rocks. I’m gonna fly down to Texas to visit my aunt and uncle and grab more of my things and then I’ll head back.”
While we talk, I head inside to get ready for bed. He tells me about the songs he’s picked for the concerts, and I fill him in on everything happening in Singing River. As I crawl under the covers and get comfortable, a huge yawn slips out
“You need sleep.”
“I hate telling you goodbye.” But another yawn slips out before I can stop it.
“Not much longer now,” he says, his voice low and comforting. “I’ll be home before we know it. But for now, get some rest. I love you so much.”
“I love you, too. So much.”
“Give Honey some extra scratches for me, okay?” he adds.
“Okay,” I reply, grinning at my phone screen.
“G’night.”
My phone goes black, but the sadness that I expected isn’t there. Only excitement for the future I’m building with this man that I never saw coming.