Chapter 31
brENT
I hate this. I hate this; I hate this; I hate this!
I should be asleep, but knowing we’re heading back to campus today has me awake before the sun comes up. Rafe is pressed to my chest, and I’m wrapped around him, feeling his warmth and breathing and heartbeat.
This can’t be the end. Why did this trip have to be so short?
I’d hesitated when agreeing to his scheme of presenting as his boyfriend because I knew it was going to be difficult. Pretending to be in love with him was easy enough. I’ve been pretending not to be in love with him for ages. Stopping that would be easy.
I’d known I still had to keep a wall up because being the recipient of Rafe’s affection, even fake, was going to sting. Knowing that it was all a lie. A show.
But this was never supposed to happen. None of this. It feels all too real. Now, in just a handful of hours, we are climbing in his car and heading back to school. The deal’s over. Back to being friends.
Just friends.
How am I going to do that? How will I ever convincingly pull off that this was all in good fun? In the name of making it look real?
Was it just sex that changed it? I mean, that wasn’t necessary for the act. It just happened. Is that all that happened for Rafe—good sex? What if he wants to carry on when we get back? Friends with benefits?
How will I say no? To agree would be my heart on the line every single day, while he just enjoys good orgasms. Then again, I don’t know that I can say no to anything Rafe asks of me. Agreeing means I’ll be able to continue waking up like this.
I can continue to lie to my heart and pretend this is real. Not for anyone else’s benefit but for my own. At least through the end of the year. Then we graduate.
And he wants me to move in with him. Back up here with his family on the vineyard. I wish I could close my eyes and believe that he’s asking me because he wants this to be real. But does he? I can read between the lines and interpret his words in many different ways. But does that make it real?
I suppose no more real than what everyone else sees.
I stare outside as the sun slowly rises in the distance, painting the sky a bright orange. As it rises further, the orange becomes less vibrant and softens, mixing with pinks and purples. It isn’t until the sun is more fully visible that the beautiful colors give way to simple sunlight.
Even the sun lies, promising us a day of beauty in the sky, but taking it all away once it pushes its way over the horizon.
Maybe we can prolong this for a while. It’s not like either of us needs to be back on campus for anything. Classes don’t begin for another couple of weeks. We’re just hanging out. Visiting friends. Relaxing. Prepping for a new semester.
Why can’t we stay here? Continue our ruse. Just for a little while longer. Would it be an imposition on his family? What if we helped out?
Rafe sighs, and my arms tighten around him a little. Don’t wake up. I’m not ready to crawl out of the bed we share together for the last time.
“I want to wake up like this all the time,” Rafe murmurs, pressing a kiss to my chest.
See? That means he wants this, too, right? Right? He must feel something!
“No?” he asks.
I nod, not trusting myself to answer.
“I enjoy waking up, being wrapped in someone’s arms. I fit so perfectly in yours.”
The hope that was building sinks a little. Someone’s arms. Not mine specifically.
“How long have you been awake?” Rafe asks.
“Not long,” I lie.
He wiggles a little closer, as if that were possible. His quiet chuckle makes me smile, even though I’m not sure what he finds funny.
“You know, this might be the first morning in a while that I don’t wake up hard to some degree. I think you fucked the arousal out of me, Brent.”
I laugh. I’m relieved by the humor. It lifts a little of the heavy feeling. “Yeah, I know. Naked and tightly together like sardines, and I’m soft as the day I was born.”
Rafe snorts. “For real.”
“Probably won’t be able to get it up for a couple days,” I muse.
He shakes his head. “I’m not sorry. Nor am I sorry that I can still feel all the abuse you gave me everywhere.”
I grin, but my smile fades a little. Sighing, I press my lips to Rafe’s hair and close my eyes. I love you.
“What time are your uncles leaving?”
“Mid-morning. We should get up to see everyone off, right?”
“Yeah,” he says, though it sounds disappointed. “Maybe we’ll take a nap together before we leave. Do you need to be back for anything specific?”
“Not at all.” We can stay longer.
Rafe nods into my chest, but we don’t move. Not yet. Several minutes go by before he pulls away with a heavy sigh. “Come on. Shower with me.”
For the last time.
I don’t meet his eyes, afraid that he’ll see my thoughts like a marquee. Watching his feet to step in his footsteps exactly, I follow him into the bathroom. Together we brush our teeth. Then stand under the water, wrapped around each other like we have so many times before this.
Only this time, no one’s ass is being washed.
We’re just holding each other. Am I imagining how desperately he’s holding me?
Is he simply matching the strength of his hold to my own?
I should just say something, but admitting that I love him and him not feeling the same way would be far more devastating than letting this agreement run its course and stuffing myself back into best-friend-only mode.
If I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same way, it will ruin our friendship. I don’t give a fuck what anyone says. There’s no coming back from that. I can’t lose him. He’s been the single bright light and force for good in my life since we met.
Hell, he’s been the only true constant support in my life. Ever. It wouldn’t just be devastating to lose him. It would be crushing. Far more than being kicked out. More than having nowhere to go because my aunt is no longer an option, through no fault of her own.
It’ll be fine. I’d rather have Rafe in my life as my very best friend for as long as I can than not have him at all. Maybe this is for the best.
Rafe kisses my temple and takes a step back. There’s no groping as we wash. No touching. No kissing. We’re silent as we finish our shower and dry off. Silent as we dress. I take the cue from him and don’t make any effort to pack.
As we leave the bedroom, I muse that this is the first time we’re walking down the hall when he doesn’t have my hand in his. As if our arrangement has already expired, and we no longer need to pretend.
Maybe that’s the truth of it.
My chest aches by the time we step outside into the courtyard where everyone is gathered. Every other morning when we’ve come out here for breakfast, everyone has been leisurely sitting at tables and talking, enjoying their meals.
There are more people standing than sitting. There’s an air of finality. Goodbye. The energy is different. The pang in my chest gives a painful clench, and I suck in a breath.
I know I promised that I’d come back every year I had nowhere else to go, but this feels like an ending. Once in a lifetime. It’ll never happen again. I’ll never feel or experience this kind of family again in my entire life, no matter how long I live.
“There you are,” Xavi says as he comes toward us with a smile.
I release a breath when he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly. “Okay, you know we live right off campus, right? You have to visit often.”
“You live close?” Did I know this? I feel like it’s familiar.
“Yep.” Xavi steps back. Behind him, Enfield has his arm draped over Rafe’s shoulders as they watch us. “You know Sparrow Madison - right? Didn’t you say that?”
Did I? I meet Rafe’s eyes, and he shrugs, shaking his head. “I don’t think you do but we’ve talked about this.”
“Okay, Rafe says I don’t. Refresh my memory, please?”
Xavi grins. “Well, I grew up behind Sparrow’s neighborhood. We’re childhood best friends, and when he came down to Longwood U for college, I followed, dragging my husband along with me.” He beams at Enfield. “Sparrow is now married to Dak Bozik.”
“And Dak’s bestie is Edin,” Rafe says, nodding.
“Yep. So Dak and Sparrow are sticking close for Edin, which means we’re sticking close because I’m not ready to live far away from my best friend,” Xavi says. “All that to say, we live close, so you must visit often. Promise?”
“Yeah. That’s an easy promise,” I say and vaguely recall that this information is familiar.
I love the way he smiles at me. Then he’s hugging me again, and I sigh. Maybe this means it’s not an ending after all. Not completely, anyway.
Enfield hugs me after. He doesn’t say anything until I begin to pull away, and he keeps me there. “Sometimes, you need to say the difficult things,” he whispers. My heart jumps. He gives me a squeeze and steps back.
My eyes must be wide because he laughs quietly. Patting my cheek, Enfield kisses my head. “Some men are blind as fuck. I should know.” He gives me an amused smile, and I know he’s referring to himself.
I stare at him as he backs away and turns, offering his hand to Xavi. Xavi comes into his side and they walk away.
Does he… know? He knew this was a lie? How many others knew?
“Our turn.”
My attention turns to my uncles coming closer. Together, they wrap me in their arms as Rafe says goodbye to my cousins.
“You look so much happier these days,” Uncle Ellsworth says. “I know it might have been hard to see at the time, but cutting ties with your parents was a very healthy move.”
“I know,” I admit. “Honestly, I think I might have cut them from my life even if I weren’t gay. The more I look back on my childhood, even before I came out the first time, I’ve been subject to their poisonous views and beliefs. That’s not healthy for anyone.”
“I’ve always been amused that they managed to find each other,” Ellsworth says.
“Really? I’m not convinced they even like each other,” I say.
Zaiden laughs. “Do you know how many times I’ve said that very thing?”
“Love means something different to everyone. As does family. Faith. Loyalty. Everything can be used as a reason. As an excuse. A shield. A defense for their words and actions. Those people are more prevalent in the world than they should be,” Ellsworth says.
“Why did they have a kid?” I wonder, not for the first time, though the first time out loud. I’ve always imagined myself getting back in touch with them just one more time in my life to ask them.
“Expectations. Some people believe that the only purpose in life is the propagation of their species. When, in relation to animals, their entire drive in life is food and breeding. Are humans all that different?”
“Huh.”
“Enough of this,” Zaiden says, laughing. “Thank you for inviting us, Brent. You have no idea how much we’ve loved spending this time with you.”
“Thank you for coming.”
“Let’s not let this many years go by without visiting again,” Ellsworth says.
“I won’t,” I promise.
Zaiden kisses my cheek and takes a step back. Ellsworth takes my face in his hands again. “We’re so proud of the man you’ve become. It took Lenny longer to break free of the toxic environment he grew up in than it did you.”
“Really?”
He nods. “You knew from a much younger age who you are. Lenny tried desperately to fit into the mold that his parents and the church gave him. He was still struggling with it when we met.”
“What happened?”
“Believe it or not, while it was the so-called religious beliefs of his family that kept him so confused, it was also a new church that settled him. Learning that God didn’t actually hate him and condemn him to Hell, that being gay isn’t a sin, that loving me didn’t make him an abomination allowed him to embrace himself. ”
“I… really?”
Ellsworth smiles. “I still never believed. I still don’t. We don’t need to get into that again; you know I can talk about this forever.”
“He can and will,” Zaiden says, smiling.
I grin.
“Lenny died a proud gay man. A proud spiritual man. The shame and confusion he lived with for so long were no longer a part of his life or heart when I lost him, and I thought, if he can find peace after growing up the way he did, surely I can too. I have found peace, though I’m still searching for God.
You, Brent, you already have peace. I think you found peace a long time ago. ”
“I did,” I agree. “I found it with you. The times my parents allowed me to visit, and I went to church with you, I found peace then. My confusion wasn’t over my place in the world but over how people can interpret the same text in vastly different ways.
How they use it as a weapon, shackles, justification for hate.
It’s literally the very opposite of everything the Bible preaches. So yeah, I found my peace with you.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Lenny would be so proud of you. I’m proud of you.”
“We are proud of you,” Zaiden amends.
“Thank you.”
“Keep in touch. Visit. You’re not a burden, and we’re not going anywhere,” Ellsworth says.
Oof. Talk about being called out. Ellsworth knows he just did by the way he’s smirking at me. He kisses my cheek and allows his kids their goodbyes.
I think I’m closer to my uncles than I’ll ever be with my cousins. I don’t know why. I love my cousins, too, but for some reason, we don’t connect as well as I do with my uncles.
Rafe and I walk them to the front door and watch as they pile into their vehicle. We watch as they drive off. We watch long after they’re gone from sight.
Still, we’re not touching. It feels lonely already without his touch.