Chapter 35
brENT
I’m shaken awake. The world rocks and tilts as Rafe says my name.
“Brent. Wake up.”
“What?” I ask groggily, finally gripping his wrist so he’ll stop rattling my brain around. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“No more avoiding me,” he answers.
I try to blink through the sleepy haze as I roll onto my back. I’m a little disoriented. It’s been far too many days since I’ve woken up to Rafe, and I can’t tell how this is making me feel right now. Lingering moments of days past mingle with the way my heart hurts.
“What?” I repeat.
“Wake up,” Rafe says. His voice is quiet. He’s seated on the edge of my bed. There’s no way for me to get out and around him.
I close my eyes for a minute, letting myself fall back into my bedding. “I’m tired. Can’t this wait?”
“No,” Rafe answers. “You run in the morning and camp out somewhere to avoid me at night. If I trusted that you’d still be here in the morning, then… You know what? No, it can’t wait. We need to talk right now.”
“I don’t want to,” I whisper.
“Why?”
Because it hurts too much to be around you! I don’t answer. I don’t look at him.
“Enfield and Xavi have a hypothesis,” Rafe says, and I’m really trying to figure out how this needs to be said at…
fuck. One in the morning? “They think you weren’t pretending at all.
When I asked you to be my fake boyfriend, you didn’t agree right away because you have feelings for me.
And now that we’re back at school, you’re avoiding me because you’re struggling to get them in check. ”
My breath has been lodged in my throat since the word ‘pretending.’ I’m staring at his knee. When did I even open my eyes?
“Is that what you’re doing?” Rafe asks.
Can I deny it? Is it possible to do so convincingly? I swallow around the lump in my throat. My hands are shaking under the covers. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did they have to say anything?!
“Don’t fucking ignore me,” Rafe whispers.
It’s the way his voice breaks that has me turning to look at him. It’s dark in here, but since it’s a clear night out, the moon illuminates the room, and I can see his eyes. Do they look shiny because of the moonlight or because…
“I deserve an answer,” he says. “I deserve to know why my best friend has been pretending I don’t exist since we got back.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“I don’t want an apology. I want to know why.”
What do I say? I can’t bear to lay it all out there and then… nothing.
“I didn’t plan to fall in love with you, Brent, but I did, and I need to know what the fuck you’re doing because it really fucking hurts.”
My head is crickets. Did he just? No. No way. “What?” I whisper.
I’m startled when Rafe grips my shoulders and forces me upright, so I have no choice but to look at him. “I said I love you, and you’re hurting me. I need to know why.”
My breath rushes from my lungs. Holy fuck. I’m dreaming. That’s the problem. Just another dream. Just—
I wrap my arms around him and yank him to me, hugging him tightly. I can’t decide whether I’m shaking or Rafe is. I grip him with all my strength as I try to process his words. I love you. Those were real, right?
“Say it again,” I whisper. “Convince me I’m awake.”
He pinches me, and I jerk. “Ow.”
“You’re awake.”
I laugh, hugging him tighter still. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you… I thought it was all fake. I didn’t think you felt anything toward me. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know I was hurting you.”
“You didn’t—fuck’s sake, Brent. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Because I thought you figured out that I was feeling something, and that wasn’t part of the arrangement, and now you’ve been avoiding me because I love you and you just want me to go away.”
“Oh my god, stop.”
“Xavi and Enfield say that you’re avoiding me because you were never pretending.”
I squeeze my eyes closed. “They’re right,” I whisper. “I’ve had a crush on you since we moved in together.”
Rafe inhales and doesn’t let it out. Might as well get it all in the open now.
“I’ve been pretending it’s just a crush for a long time, but I’ve been in love with you far longer than I’m willing to admit.
I didn’t want to be your fake boyfriend because I didn’t think I could stand having your hands on me and it not being real.
It would be too much. Too heavy. But when you asked, and I thought about all these girls your mom wants to set you up with and that I’d have to watch you dance with them and shit—maybe you’d end up falling for one of them after all—I thought I could handle that even less.
So I agreed. But then… then things happened, and I thought it was still just…
we’re in the same place and enjoying each other, right?
I didn’t think you felt anything. There were times when I thought maybe, but then I wondered if I was hearing things because I wanted to?
You kept throwing out ‘best friend,’ and I was sure that meant I was strictly in the friend zone and what we were doing was just…
like Mexico or Vegas. What happens there, stays there.
Did you catch any of this? Because I can’t catch my breath, so it probably sounds like one long-ass word. ”
Rafe laughs. “Yeah, I did. I feel like we’re in some cheesy movie where everything could have been different with just a single word from either of us.”
“I was too scared of your rejection,” I admit.
He sighs. “Yeah. Me too.”
I press my face into his neck and take a deep breath. It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to inhale his scent. To get drunk off it. Drown in it. “I missed you,” I whisper.
Rafe’s hold is almost painful. “Me too. So fucking much. I honestly wasn’t sure if I hurt more because my best friend was ignoring me or because the man I love was pretending I didn’t exist.”
I shake my head. “I wasn’t pretending you didn’t exist. I understand that’s a nuance, but I was in hardcore avoidance mode. You absolutely exist. You’re the only person who exists.” My face scrunches. “Wow. Ignore that last part. It was far too corny.”
He laughs. “Not a chance.”
“I love you too,” I whisper. “For the record, I said it a few times when we were at your house. You were just too out of it to hear me.”
“Wow. Waiting until you fucked me so good that I can’t remember my own name to tell me you love me. How romantic.”
I huff. “As much as you’ve been upset about losing me, I’ve been terrified of losing you. I didn’t dare tell you when there’d be a chance you’d remember.”
Rafe sighs again.
“I didn’t know you were into guys,” I admit. “I’m not sure if I’d known that it would have changed anything. I’ve never had a friend like you. I’m not sure I’d consider the people in my childhood friends at all. Losing you was just… too big.”
He nods. “I get that. I’ve never even allowed myself to imagine a friend as anything else. Friendship is always sacred to me.”
“So… now what?”
“I think maybe we take the risk,” he answers.
My breath catches. “Spell it out like I’m four.”
Rafe chuckles. “Be with me for real, Brent. No more pretending. I want the real thing.”
For some reason, my chest hurts even more at his words. It should be the opposite feeling, right? I realize I’m still afraid. “I want that. More than anything.”
“But?”
“We just made it a point to say that we can’t lose our friendship. It’s too important to both of us.”
“Do you think we can ignore all this that’s happened over the last few weeks as if it never happened?”
“When you put it that way…”
Rafe leans back to meet my eyes. “I love you. I’ve been very careful with those words. The last person I said them to outside of my family was Tory Jenson when we were ten, and her girlfriend hit me for loving her. I swore off girls.”
I laugh. “Oh my god.”
“Who says guys aren’t dramatic?”
“Guys.”
Rafe grins. “Be with me, Brent. I know we can make this work. It already works. The only thing that stopped it from being real was our own fear getting in the way.”
“Nothing works out for me,” I say. An unbidden tear trickles down my cheek.
Rafe’s mouth covers mine, and I feel like I’m stripped bare.
All resistance falls away as he follows me down onto the bed.
He makes no move to do anything other than kiss me, but I need to feel his skin on mine.
I tear at his clothes and try to kick the blankets away, all while not letting our mouths part.
Which makes it a little awkward trying to get his shirt off. It’s a struggle, and Rafe is too busy being amused as he continues to kiss me and not help at all, so it takes me a lot longer to get us both naked.
Then he sighs as his body—hard and hot and heavy—comes down on mine. I grip him tightly, hooking my heels around the backs of his thighs to keep him right here.
“Be with me,” Rafe says into my mouth.
“Be inside me,” I counter.
“Not until you tell me yes.”
“Yes.”
“Brent,” he warns.
“I’m afraid.”
“I know. I am too. No one tells you falling in love with your best friend is terrifying.”
“I need to feel you inside me.”
“I’m not putting anything inside you unless you’re my for-real boyfriend. We’ve borderline fucked up a lot, and I won’t let it happen anymore.”
“Rafe,” I complain and grind my dick against his.
“No, don’t try my resistance. I’m as stubborn as a mule.”
“I want to be with you. I’m just—”
“Afraid,” he cuts in. “Brent, I know.” He presses his face to mine, and for a long time, we’re still and silent. It’s so quiet that I think I can hear our hearts racing side by side.
“Take this chance with me,” Rafe whispers. He slides his fingers through mine, and emotions swell in my chest. My inhale is shaky.
“Yes.”
“Yes, what?”
I huff. “Yes, I want to be your boyfriend.”
“I’m not trusting your words when they’re stating your wants instead of facts.”
“Rafe, you pain in the ass. I’m your for-real boyfriend. You’re mine. We’re going to risk everything and see where this goes. Okay?”
“Whoa, slow down.”
“I swear to fuck, Rafe, I’m going to slap you.”
He laughs, and it’s a sound that’s sweet to my soul. I lock his mouth with mine, claiming him and shutting him up at the same time. I fumble around until I find the lube. What guy doesn’t have lube hanging around? I’m pretty sure they’re lying if they say they don’t.
With my mouth still on his, I push the lube into his hand. I can’t reach myself like this. Not when he’s on top of me.
It drives me crazy how slow and sensual he is as he gets me ready. The crazy part isn’t just that we’re maybe savoring this moment, but that he’s barely brushing my prostate at all. It’s like his teasing has a teasing setting that hasn’t graduated up to actual teasing yet.
“Inside me before I lose my mind,” I demand.
“Condom?” he asks.
I roll my eyes. “We haven’t used one in weeks, Rafe.”
“That means no, right?”
I reach between us to grab his cock and enjoy the gasp I receive in response. I mean to put him against my hole, but I remember how much he likes pain, so I squeeze his dick—hard. His hips buck. He whimpers.
“Get. In. Side. Me,” I hiss. “Now.”
Rafe nods as I guide him to my hole. He wastes no time pushing inside but comes out of the momentary trance I’d put him under.
I think we’re going to have fun playing with these bedroom roles.
As soon as he registers that he’s pushing inside me, that vulnerable, guidable man is gone, and Rafe is very much in charge of what he’s doing.
Which is good. As soon as his cock hits my prostate, my eyes roll, and at least thirty-seven percent of my brain shuts down in favor of feeling everything he’s doing to me. He’s not hitting me straight on the bullseye, though. He’s off to the side as he thrusts inside me with a metal fucking rod.
“God, you’re so hard,” I grunt.
“I need you,” he whispers, lips moving at my ear. He kisses me softly. “Promise me you’ll never avoid me again, Brent.”
I nod, wrapping my limbs around him tightly. His thrusts move more slowly. He’s not avoiding my prostate like he totally could in this position, and there’s something even more maddening by the way it slides slowly, prolonging the feeling of pressure and friction.
“Promise,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ll never hurt you again, Rafe.”
Rafe nods. “I can’t ever lose you. Whatever happens between us, our friendship always has to come first.”
“I feel like your cock inside me isn’t the way to meet that demand,” I pant.
“You insisted!”
I grin and close my eyes. God, he feels good. My fingers tangle in his soft hair, and I hold him close. I let go of all my fears for this single moment.
Everything feels so overwhelming and full right now. Not his dick inside me full, but… my chest feels full. My lungs. My head and heart and limbs. I feel so full of Rafe and his love. My love for him.
As he moves slowly inside me, I find that I’m begging whatever might be listening—be it God or the universe or fucking Geppetto because we’re all puppets—I beg that they never take Rafe from me.
I’ve lost a lot in my life, and I think I’ve earned this one happy thing.
I swear I’ll treat him right if I can just keep him for the rest of my life.
“I love you,” I whisper, squeezing my limbs around him. “I love you so, so much. I don’t ever want to be without you.”
“Finally,” he moans. “You’re not allowed to take that back.”
I shake my head. “Never. I promise.”