Chapter 33
Gabriel
“There’s a balloon in my chest,”
I say to River as I secure my seatbelt. I can see normally—hear normally. My Bronco’s interior smells the same. The grip of the steering wheel is like it was earlier today when I drove here. Even the beginnings of fall colors on the mountain seem to be the same as they were before.
So then why do I feel like my whole life is different?
“Uh. Do you have a heart condition that I don’t know about? Did you have an angioplasty? That’s something you should have told me before I married you.”
I bump out a laugh. “River. No.”
Air moves in and out of my chest so unencumbered. “I just feel—”
“Different? Lighter? I know. Me, too.”
“My days at Foundation are over. My relationship with my dad is—”
“Not over.”
She reaches out to place a hand on my knee. I warm to her touch. “The thing is, it might be nice for you and your dad to have some space. I’m not saying do or don’t continue to have a relationship with him. It’s been a long day, though. There’s plenty of time to decide what’s next.”
“I think you’re right.”
I am worried about her after all that just took place, though. “You still feeling up to bringing Skye home for a visit?”
“I think so. I wonder how she’ll do being out in the world again.”
“I have a feeling she’ll love the cottage.”
I back the Bronco out of my spot in the parking garage and begin driving to Caring Souls.
Oliver was right: I was the one. The only one who had cracked our father’s code. I spent my whole life in that identity. It was my purpose. The only thing I wanted. Now? The only thing I want is my own approval of my own life.
And to explore that life with River.
I grasp her hand and look over at her. “Now everyone knows. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.”
“We didn’t commit a crime. We just chose to marry in a way that most people don’t. So what?”
“How are you so calm?”
I ask her.
“Because all this craziness has helped me see everything differently.”
She catches my gaze. “Everything.”
It’s not until Skye is settled in the back seat that I see the T-shirt she’s wearing.
“Don’t Dis My Ability,”
I read. “That’s an awesome T-shirt, Skye.”
She cocks her chin up. “I know.”
River chuckles. The looseness in my lungs gives way to a laugh I can’t curb. “Are you excited to see Lunch Lady Liz?” I ask.
Skye gathers both hands to her chest. “My puppy,”
she says with an exaggerated pout.
As we’re leaving Tollark city limits and entering that wide-open, country space before Longdale, my mom calls.
I punch the call through to the wireless system in my car, saying hello and telling her she’s on speaker with River and Skye.
“Hi, Mom!”
River says, and Skye quickly follows suit, dissolving in giggles of pure happiness.
“Hi, everyone!”
Even my mom’s voice sounds more relaxed than before. “Gabriel, we have much to discuss, but we can save that for another time,”
Mom says. “I’m planning a family Halloween party and wanted to see if you all were available? We can do it the night of or the weekend before?”
“Halloween’s more than a month away,” I say.
“With the size of family that we have, I have to start nailing down a date. And we want to have it in your area. I know we had it at our place last year, but we’d love for Skye to be there and so we’ll have it wherever’s best for her.”
I glance at River to see her looking at me with a mixture of happiness and amazement. “That would be great,” I say.
“Maybe we can even do it in the courtyard of Caring Souls, if that’s allowed,” Mom adds.
“I’ll reach out to them and ask,”
River says. “I appreciate it.”
“We wouldn’t dream of having it any other way.”
Mom hesitates before ending the call. “I know this has been an unconventional situation but, I’m hoping . . . I’m hoping there can be healing for everyone involved.”
Who knows what things with my father will end up looking like. But the difference now is that I finally have hope. And I’m not locked into the idea of an either or, do or die. I might be able to have more than I ever allowed myself to dream of.
The first thing Skye says when she enters the cottage is “Bougie,”
as she looks around the great room, followed by a love fest cuddling session with Lunch Lady Liz. River is watching her carefully. She’s content, but it’s lined with a dash of apprehension.
She pulls me aside, clasping my hand in hers and escorting me to the mudroom. “There’s so much more to say and do I hardly know where to start.”
“Let’s start with something practical, then. Your car is ready for pick up.”
“Hallelujah! I can get myself around now, finally.”
I tug her close. “They did say there were a couple additional issues they could fix if we wanted them to. And you’ll need new tires before winter.”
“Maybe I should call it good. Maybe I need to let go of that old car.”
Her gaze is sturdy, like she’s willing herself to call her own bluff.
I’m suddenly nine again, popping wheelies on the bike I’d had since I was six in our neighborhood in Denver.
“Where’s your new one?”
Dad asked, standing in the lawn as I whizzed by, chasing one of my brothers on his bike.
I’d gotten a new bike for Christmas, months before. But instead of feeling like I was flying when I was riding it, I felt like my middle hollowed out every time. It was much bigger than the hand-me-down I’d had for three years—the one where my knees sometimes hit the handlebars and the chain slipped so easily, like a sun-softened snow cone down my throat. Even the new one’s pristine, metallic orange paint jarred my vision. It seemed too bright for comfort. I preferred my chipped, dull yellow one.
I didn’t want to circle back around the loop of our neighborhood, for fear that Dad would have the new one out for me to ride. So I slowed down, letting whichever brother it was win the race. If I went slowly, maybe Dad would be back inside or at work by the time I got home.
No such luck. He was there, on the sidewalk, his hand on the seat of the new orange one.“This one’s better,”
he said gruffly.
I knew it wasn’t. But I also knew I didn’t have a choice. I was going to have to ride it with him standing there. I let my beloved one drop to the grass, planted my palms on the orange handlebars, swung my leg over the middle bar, and was surprised it was a little easier to do that move. I must have grown since Christmas.
The bike shook, twisting to the side and weaving its way along as I began to pedal. I straightened it out soon enough but then my legs were burning. The pedals were stiff, the mechanisms unused.
“Around the block,”
Dad commanded.
I didn’t want to. But I did it because he asked me to. And I always did what he asked.
The magical thing was, by the time I got home, sweat trickling down the back of my shirt, I didn’t feel hollowed out. I’d had moments of flight. Moments of the breeze lifting me in the air.
That’s River now.
“You’re taking me up on my offer?”
I ask her.
She cuts me a glance. “I want to buy it myself, if I decide to do it. I’m strangely excited to see my dad’s old Civic again, though. Oddly enough, I’ve kind of missed the old gal.”
“That wasn’t the deal. I can get you a car, River.”
I give her a small, slow kiss. “I want to.”
“You’ve done so much for me, for Skye and me, already.”
She runs her fingertips over my five o’clock shadow, which sends ripples of excitement through me. “I want to be able to say goodbye to it . . . to start letting go of my old life.”
“Keep your mind open to the possibilities.”
I kiss her again. “That’s what I keep telling myself, too. And I feel like I’ve just scratched the surface of what I want to be able to give you.”
Skye appears in the doorway with Lunchie on her heels. “Can I go home now?”
“You haven’t been here very long.”
River’s brows knit together. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Bingo,”
Skye says, bending down to rub the top of Lunchie’s head.
“That’s right. It’s bingo night,”
River says.
After showing Skye a trayful of pretzels River and I had set up last night, and after she’d carefully selected and eaten several, she asks again if she can go home.
“It’s strange to hear her calling Caring Souls, ‘home,’”
I say to River as we put Lunchie safely in her kennel so we can drive Skye back over.
“I know. It’s so weird.”
When Skye goes to use the bathroom, River loops her arm through mine. “She’s different . . . more independent. I haven’t consciously ‘dissed her ability’ before, but maybe I’ve clung so hard that I couldn’t see all those abilities.”
Her eyes shine with tears. “I have to let go of her, Gabriel. And maybe I’ve tried to control so much because I was trying to feel like my parents were still here, like I could cling to them.”
“Maybe that’s what happened. But that’s not your fault. You were trying to survive.”
I moisten my lips and stare into her exquisite brown eyes. I watch them as they nearly vibrate until they’ve honeyed, grown golden and soft. “I’ve been holding on for dear life to my dad.”
She presses her hands to my face, gazing into my eyes with an intensity I’ve never seen. “Gabriel, I love you. There’s no one I’d rather figure this out with than you.”
I inhale sharply, in awe of her words and the way she’s looking at me. “I love you, River.”
And I have a surprise waiting for her.