Chapter 21 #2
‘He showed us the scan. It’s everywhere.’ He shook his head. ‘In my pancreas, in my liver, in my bones. No surgery’s going to help. Palliative care only, to keep me as comfortable as possible.’
It was the question she couldn’t bear to hear the answer to, but it had to be asked. ‘Did he say how long?’
‘A couple of months, three if I’m lucky.
’ Leon closed his eyes for a second and said brokenly, ‘If I’m lucky, can you imagine?
Shit, it doesn’t feel real, I keep waiting to wake up and discover it was all a dream.
This isn’t the way my life was meant to go.
I had plans, so many plans. And instead of ticking them off my list, someone up there’s laughing at me for taking it all for granted, and sooner or later they’re going to reach down and just . . . take my batteries out.’
Fen felt sick. Really sick. This couldn’t be happening.
But it was, and the next moment they were hugging, holding each other tightly while the world around them tilted on its axis and in the distance an aggrieved male driver blasted his horn and yelled violently, ‘What the hell? I was waiting for that fucking space.’
How long did they cling together? She had no idea. Finally Leon croaked, ‘I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.’
‘Nor do you. No one does.’ She could feel his warm breath on her neck, the tremor in his chest. ‘And don’t ever say sorry again.’
‘I love you.’ He touched the side of her face, and in the bright sunlight she saw the tinge of yellow in the whites of his eyes that hadn’t been there last week. ‘It’s just so fucked up. I waited all these years to find you, then it finally happened. And now this.’
‘But at least I’m here.’
‘If I hadn’t gone to Venice, you could be having a fantastic day now. Enjoying the weather, heading off out with friends for drinks in the sunshine on Princess Victoria Street, getting chatted up by good-looking guys . . .’
‘Stop it.’ She pressed a forefinger to his mouth. ‘I’m never going to wish I hadn’t met you.’
‘I still wish I could wake up.’
‘Have you told your mum and dad?’
‘Not yet. They’re coming in this evening.’ He closed his eyes briefly and Fen’s heart went out to him, and to his poor parents; it had to be hard enough coming to terms with what he’d only just found out himself, let alone having to break the news to everyone else.
‘I should have made you see a doctor earlier.’ A wave of guilt washed over her.
‘You mean a week ago?’ He shook his head. ‘Don’t even think it. By then it was already far too late. According to Dr Emerson, this thing’s been flying under the radar for months. The MRI scan yesterday lit up like a Christmas tree.’
‘But it only started after that guy smashed you into the wall.’
‘Except it didn’t, really. Everything was already there inside me, growing and spreading, but any symptoms back then were easy to ignore. Fuck.’
An old man with a walking stick was hobbling past several metres away. Shooting them a look of disgust, he growled, ‘Language.’
‘Sorry,’ said Leon.
The man shook his head, muttered, ‘Kids today,’ and shuffled off.
Fen had just left the ward to get a can of Coke from the shop downstairs when Leon said abruptly, ‘Should I finish with her?’
‘What?’ Jamie stared at him in utter disbelief. Was he mad? ‘What are you talking about?’
‘I just wonder if I should. To make things easier for her.’ Leon shrugged helplessly. ‘Like, let her off the hook to spare her all the shit to come.’
Jamie’s heart went out to him. He shook his head slowly.
‘Honestly? That’s the stupidest idea you’ve ever had.
You think Fen would let you do that to her?
Do you actually imagine she’d breathe a sigh of relief and say, “Thank goodness, I can forget about him now, put it all behind me”?
Because that’s not the way these things happen.
So don’t even think about trying it. She loves you, you idiot, every bit as much as you love her. ’
‘OK.’ The relief on Leon’s face was immense. ‘If you’re sure.’
Jamie’s throat tightened with the emotion he was having to work so hard to suppress. ‘Of course I’m sure.’
Fen and Jamie left shortly before Leon’s parents arrived.
Yet another unthinkable ordeal lay ahead for him, as well as for Hilary and Greville.
And after them came his friends, workmates, everyone else who knew him.
In the coming days, the shock and grief would spread out in an ever-increasing circle, like the ripples on a lake.
Jamie walked alongside her to her car in the far corner of the hospital car park.
‘He’s being so brave.’ Fen fumbled in her bag for her keys, which had to be in there somewhere. ‘I don’t know how he does it. I still can’t believe it’s happening.’
‘I know. But that’s Leon.’ A message arrived on Jamie’s phone and he glanced at it. ‘Right, I’ve cancelled the trip to New Zealand.’
‘The TV thing?’ Landing the job had been a big deal, she knew. He’d been due to fly to Wellington ten days from now to begin almost a month of filming.
‘I’m not going to leave him, am I?’ There were violet shadows beneath his eyes. ‘Not flying to the other side of the world while he’s here going through this.’
Fen nodded; of course he wouldn’t do that.
Not for the first time, it occurred to her that she hadn’t cried yet, which seemed inconceivable.
She only had to see a TV ad about a lost puppy to dissolve into tears.
Look at that evening in the Basilica di San Marco, when she’d been so embarrassingly overcome by the beauty of the place.
But today, when you’d think they’d all be sobbing non-stop .
. . nothing. Presumably because they were still in deep shock.
It would happen in due course, she knew that. But not yet.
‘Anyway, drive carefully,’ Jamie ordered. For a second he hesitated, and Fen thought she might be about to receive a consoling hug, but instead he stepped back and awkwardly raised the hand holding his own car keys. ‘I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘Yes.’ A wave of helplessness swept over her. ‘I just . . . don’t know what to do.’
‘There isn’t anything you can do. Except be there for him.’
‘It isn’t enough.’ Another wave, followed by a third larger one, like a gathering tsunami.
‘It’s what he wants. You’re all he wants.’ Jamie’s gaze didn’t falter. ‘OK, I’m going to tell you something. When you left the ward this afternoon to get a drink from the machine, Leon asked me if I thought he should break up with you.’
Fen’s jaw dropped. ‘What?’
‘He thought he should tell you he didn’t want to see you any more. To make things easier for you.’
‘And he seriously imagined I’d let him do that?’
‘I know. He was trying to help. I told him you wouldn’t have any of it, that it was never going to happen.’
‘Good. And did he believe you?’
Jamie nodded. ‘He did. He was relieved to hear it.’
Oh, Leon. What must he be going through? It was an unimaginable situation to be in. Needing to be sure, Fen said, ‘I asked him how long and he said two or three months. That’s what the consultant told him, right?’
Jamie nodded. ‘It’s only an estimate.’ He paused. ‘You never know, it could be more.’
Two months. Or three. And if it could be more than that, it could also be less.
Fen opened her driver’s door, unable to even look at him. ‘Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
The nightmare was so far no more than a few hours old.
It had only just begun.