31. Quinn
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
quinn
Tarnished .
The universe never lets me have anything nice.
A day filled with so much happiness, laughter, and joy is now spoiled. It’s ironic that the day I was born—despite telling me my whole life that it was the worst day of hers—is the day she can’t seem to leave me alone. She’s sadistic. Always wanting to be reminded of what causes her such hatred.
My feelings toward my mother varied throughout my life. In the beginning, I craved her affection. One time she gave me some of her half-eaten burger from the local diner and I remember thinking that’s what maternal love was. As I grew older and saw other moms interact with their daughters, I felt envy and rage. Why couldn’t I have a mother who took me to the mall or braided my hair? Why have me if I was such a burden?
The last couple of years under her roof, I pitied her. She didn’t hold back in telling me her own upbringing was awful, so it only seemed fair I received the same treatment. Alcohol fueled her bitterness. Random drug use made her lazy.
Most of our lives, it was just the two of us. On occasion, she’d bring some lowlife home or let her drug dealer sleep on the sofa I called a bed, forcing me to sleep on the floor or on some occasions, the porch.
I suspect she found the address of the bakery online or through my socials, considering I never changed my name when I left California . How she ended up in Maine is beyond me. We barely had enough money to keep the electricity on, let alone a cross-country ticket. From what Graham has told me, she was screaming on Robin Road , presuming I lived above the bakery. My birthday gift from her was a couple of bricks through the window, damaging several tables and the display fridge.
While I understand everything Mr . Willis , Graham , and the sheriff are telling me right now, I’m numb.
Why can’t she just leave me alone? I gave her what she wanted. Distance . Me gone.
When asked if I want to press charges, I look at Graham , hoping he has the answer.
“ There’s no rush. Sleep on it. I want to get you home. Martin and Dex will get this sorted.” He guides me away from my damaged bakery. Glass and carnage taint the sacred space I call my own. The insurance should cover the repairs, but it could take months to handle. Time I can’t afford to not have a working fridge and boarded up windows.
He practically carries me to the Jeep , swaddled in his coat, and gets us back to the apartment in record time.
His words play on repeat in my head the entire journey. I want to get you home.
Home . Where is home? I’d tried so many times to make a place my home, and I thought I’d found it in Sutton Bay , but she’s left her mark here too.
When we step into the apartment, Graham goes into full caretaker mode. Bubble bath. Warm tea. Fresh bedding.
Now , with his hand on my lower back, he guides me into my room. Before he can step away, I tug on his wrist.
“ Stay with me.” My lip quivers uncontrollably and my heart clenches in fear that he’ll refuse me.
“ Always .” His instant response is said with such surety and is a tiny drop of relief in the ocean of emotions.
We settle on the mattress, and he pulls the comforter up and over our heads, burying us away from the rest of the world. Fingers caress along my cheeks, nose, and lips in soothing motions. I bathe myself in his strong, quiet aura.
I’m grateful when sleep finds me, and I dream of how the day should have ended.
In the nine years since I last saw my mother, she’s aged well beyond her years. She was eighteen when she fell pregnant, and like me, she never got to finish high school. Her skin is now sallow from the alcohol, and her cheeks hollow from the drugs. When she looks around the near-empty parking lot, her eyes are vacant and glassy, but I know she’s looking for me.
The afternoon sun glares against the windshield of Graham’s car, sheltering us.
From a distance, we watch as the deputy drops his hand to the top of my mother’s head before she ducks into the patrol car. The last glimpse of her I see is the hair color we share.
I pressed charges.
At first, I didn’t want to, worried it would require me to attend a hearing. I was reassured that my statement and security camera footage should be enough, and Mr . Willis —as the owner of the building—offered to attend any court hearings on my behalf.
My charges aren’t the only ones though. She stole a car and someone’s purse from a diner when her money took her as far as Indiana .
Why did she want to see me? I’ll never know.
And I can live with that.
I refuse to give her the satisfaction of seeing me, let alone any more of my time or energy.
The patrol car rolls away until it disappears from view.
“ What would you say to her?” The heat of Graham’s gaze warms the side of my face.
He’s never usually one to break the silence.
It takes me a few minutes, but when I speak, my voice is clear and sure as I watch snowflakes dance around in the air. “ I’d tell her I’m sorry. Sorry that her life was so awful before I came into it and that when I arrived, I didn’t make it easier for her. But I’d also tell her I’m not sorry for being me. For existing. She tried to break me, with every slap and spiteful word, yet here I am. Thankful for the body she cruelly poked and pinched. Grateful for the places I’ve visited.” I suck in a breath. “ Had I stayed… I don’t like to think what would have happened.
“ I’ve spent the last nine years growing as a person. Learning to love myself and to show others we aren’t defined by those around us. It’s about what’s in here”— I tap my chest—“that matters. What we think about ourselves is the only opinion that counts. When you know yourself, you learn to know the type of people you deserve to be around. And we should never settle.”
When I turn to face him, his brow is creased deep in thought. I’m not sure what answer he was expecting; honestly, I didn’t know I was going to say all that until I opened my mouth.
There’s always peace in his silence, but his next words bring an entirely different sense of calm. “ I’m proud of you. To overcome what you have and still see the good in the world is astounding. I’m not sure many people could. You’re an inspiration. To me especially. I wish I could have stopped her last night.”
I lean over the console and shake my head. “ That’s not your responsibility. All I needed was you by my side and you were.” Desperate to be done with this conversation, I change the topic. With the tip of my pointer, I drag his gaze to meet mine. “ I didn’t tell you.”
The tight hold Graham has on the steering wheel loosens. “ Tell me what?”
“ Booth and I are going to set up a meeting soon.”
I bite my lip as understanding dawns and his eyes widen, before a smile full of pride stretches across his face.
“ Fuck , honey, I didn’t think I could be prouder.” He grips my cheeks with both hands and smothers my gasp with a kiss. “ Booth would be an idiot not to work with you. You built that all by yourself. He’s seen what a hard worker you are and the quality of your work.”
“ She would have seen it differently. But I don’t need her.”
He rests his forehead against mine and kisses the tip of my nose. “ What do you need?”
“ I’d really like to pick up that leftover pecan pie from your mom’s, get back in my pajamas, and continue watching our documentary.”
“ Then that’s what we’ll do.”
Trying on clothes in an overheated changing room while already sweaty is most women’s worst nightmare .
Johanna and I ran around the mall for an hour until we both picked out an outfit for the wedding.
At first, I couldn’t understand why Graham would go, but now that I do, I want nothing more than to be next to him and support him through it.
According to Jo , Ralph’s parents are delightful. Graham’s aunt is his dad’s only sibling and is still very close to his mom. Maybe one day he’ll tell Claire the truth, but I , more than anyone, understand why avoidance feels like the best remedy sometimes.
Ever the pacifist, he did suggest we didn’t have to go after the carnage with my mom. I’d love to lounge around on the sofa all day with him. He might say it was Booth’s idea, but he would have never agreed to it in the first place had there not been a small part of his mind that told him he needed to attend the wedding for closure.
Just like blocking my mom’s number and pressing charges was my goodbye to a toxic relationship, this is his.
It was only after my mom’s surprise visit that it was clear I had a lot of unresolved baggage from my abusive childhood.
Although the idea of bringing up the past with a stranger makes me sick with nerves, I had never felt braver than after asking Johanna for advice on finding a therapist.
From what she’s told me, finding someone to talk to was one of the best decisions she’s ever made, and she’s sure she wouldn’t have returned to town had she not taken that step in her recovery.
I plan on telling Graham after the wedding, hoping that he can help me with my search.
Now that we both have dresses for the event and treated ourselves to a manicure, we’re having a late lunch in the city before driving back.
“ God , I hope there’s barrels of wine at the wedding tomorrow. I’m going to need it to survive the day,” Jo says as she slides her card into the checkbook and hands it to the server.
“ I hate that she had him first,” I blurt out.
She doesn’t flinch at my outburst, just nods in agreement. “ I think most of us are angry that she had him at all. I wasn’t here for it, but after Ted passed away, it got worse. If it’s any consolation, Patrick told me that you would have never known they were a couple in the last year of their relationship. I’ll never know why he stayed. I’d warn Ralph , if he wasn’t such a weasel.”
My lips curl. “ I’m glad you’ll be there tomorrow. We can split that barrel of wine.”
“ Cheers to that.” She raises her glass of water in my direction before asking, “ Have you had any thoughts about what you’ll do once the van is fixed?”
Graham and I have been so busy floating in this blissful phase of our new relationship that I haven’t given the van any thought.
“ After everything that’s happened in the last couple of days, there hasn’t been time. I miss Nelly . That little tin can has been my home for so long, but…”
“ But home feels like somewhere else now?” Jo finishes for me, hitting the nail on the head.
“ Exactly .” My finger traces the edge of my glass. “ It hasn’t even been two months. And we’ve only been official for two weeks, we’re not ready to live with each other. Right ? God , listen to me, he hasn’t even asked me to move in.”
She laughs. “ You think Graham —the man who’s been obsessed with you since day one—is going to ask you to leave?”
“ He’s very logical.”
“ Mostly . With you, though, logic is thrown out the window.”
I shake my head. We haven’t shied away from our feelings since we finally admitted to them. But there are still moments I see him hesitate or question his actions. He’s allowed himself to open up more compared to the man I met back in March . The confidence I’ve seen gradually flourish in Graham is obvious. But now and again it feels like he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“ Was he like this with Jenna in the beginning?”
“ God no.” Jo grimaces. The server returns her card, but this conversation isn’t ready to end just yet. “ They were in the same class in high school and connected at college. Graham’s quiet by nature and he kept to a small group of people right up until senior year. I don’t think Jenna knew he existed until their paths crossed outside of Sutton Bay . I remember we came home for spring break, and she was there at the dinner table being introduced as his girlfriend.
“ She was a nasty girl in high school, but we all gave her the benefit of the doubt. It didn’t last long though. Even those small interactions we had during breaks from school were enough to tell me she wasn’t right for him. He tried his best to be the person she wanted him to be. I’m glad he stopped trying though. It’s just shitty it took her falling into bed with his cousin to realize she never tried with him.”
Worry churns in my stomach. “ Do you think he’s trying to be something he’s not with me?”
Her brows furrow. “ No way.” She leans in and squeezes my hand. “ He is different. But it’s like we have the old Graham again. Before his dad died and Jenna betrayed his trust. And I think we have you to thank for that.”
She returns my smile, making me feel a little better.
I know firsthand how old scars can be reopened when the ghosts from our past return.
After tomorrow, we can finally put this all behind us.