35. Quinn
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
quinn
The tears from when I saw the fresh paint job have since dried, but new ones streak my cheeks when I open the sliding door to my van.
Ricky showed me the new parts under the hood, and I accepted his word that it was fixed. I should have asked some follow-up questions, but I was too eager to see inside.
“ Oh , Graham .” My voice cracks with a sob.“ I still can’t believe he did this.”
Johanna stands outside while I turn into a blubbering mess.
The cabinets have been painted in an off-white, brightening the small space. The faded green vinyl flooring has been replaced with a dark-oak-effect laminate. Small spotlights decorate the ceiling. He’s been in the van a handful of times, yet he’s managed to transform it into my very own vision.
“ Acts of service is definitely his love language.” Jo’s eyes shift to the left, biting her lip as she looks at me. “ You should check out the bed.”
I drag back the partition curtain he’s had installed to reveal a brand-new mattress. Gone is the old, lumpy one. I’d cannonball on top of it if there wasn’t a bouquet of yellow dahlias and a crisp white envelope with my name on it sitting in the center.
“ Is he here?” I gasp and turn to Jo .
It’s Ricky who answers. Poor guy witnessed my whole breakdown. “ He came by this morning and dropped that off.” He nods toward the items on the bed.
It’s been one day since I left Graham’s apartment. Jo was adamant I could stay with her and Patrick for as long as I needed, but if I wasn’t with Graham , I wanted to be within the familiar surroundings of Nelly .
When we first took my van to the garage almost two months ago, I was so sad to say goodbye. This will always be my first home. I’m hoping that after this time apart, my new one will be with the man who gives me flowers like it’s going out of fashion.
My butt hits the mattress with a bounce, and my finger traces over the neat, block lettering. “ Have I made a mistake?”
Jo joins me, wrapping me up in a hug. “ No . I don’t think either of you saw yourselves ending up here, but time apart might be good.” With one last squeeze, she stands. “ I’ll meet you in the truck. Take your time.”
I bring the arrangement to my nose. Dahlias are mostly fragrance-free; it’s his scent I’m trying to get a whiff of.
With shaky fingers, I open the envelope.
Hi , honey,
How was your day?
I’m sad I can’t hear you tell me all about it. I hope you found something to make you smile today.
You probably don’t know this, but it’s been 250 days since we met. Even during the days I was too nervous to talk to you, seeing you through the bakery window made my days better. Getting to know you like I have these past two months has been the best time of my life. I can’t promise I’ll stop spoiling you with gifts, but not to make you stay. It will be because your smile brings the sunshine to the darkest of places.
I hated that I was stormy gray while you were sunshine yellow. So different. But now I see it’s not the flowers, rain boots, or even the cake I failed so miserably at that has you loving me. You chose me. I see how I make your smile shine brighter. Make the melody of your laughter ring sweeter. You turn to me for comfort when things don’t go as planned.
When you look at me, you see me.
It frightened me to death to think you’d wake up one morning and see me differently. I hadn’t realized how much Jenna had torn me down. She found it so easy to throw me aside and I was terrified you’d eventually see what she did. Losing you isn’t something I would recover from and I’m sorry for letting my fears take control. I should have trusted you like you trust me.
Just one moment is all it took. And every single moment after that has helped me realize I don’t have to be someone different.
For you, I want to be me.
Our differences are what make us beautiful. Thank you for seeing them when I couldn’t.
There’s something in the envelope I want you to keep next to your heart during this time. I’m going to try. Not just for us, but for me.
I love you so much.
Forever yours,
Graham
Scrambling to grab the envelope, I tip out its contents. What falls out is tiny, but I’d know that face anywhere.
A photograph of Graham looks up at me, cut into an oval shape. A perfect fit for my locket. The cold metal is cold to the touch, but once I slip the photo inside, it feels warm against my thumping heart.
I fall ontothe mattress, clutching the letter to my chest.
He’s trying.
“ Quinn !” Booth hollers as he walks through the door of the bakery.
I haven’t reopened yet. The new display fridge should arrive later this week and Dex is refitting a new glass pane tomorrow. The board covering the front does an awful job of keeping out the frosty morning air, but I wanted to bake something to distract me, even if I can’t sell it.
“ Hey , Booth . Coffee ?” I raise a cup toward him.
“ Would love one. Thanks .” His smile is bright. It’s good to see him, but I’m grateful he doesn’t share Graham’s eye or hair color.
I fix us both an extra-hot drink and we settle on one of the tables, quick to avoid sitting at the table I once declared as ours to Graham .
It’s useless avoiding reminders of him. He’s everywhere.
“ Thanks for meeting with me. I’m sorry to rush this, the restaurant is slammed today. I looked at your prices and honestly, they’re too low.” He slides a printed version of the price list I emailed him after Thanksgiving , now annotated in messy red handwriting. He jabs a finger onto the paper. “ This is what I’ll pay you. I’m keeping our current supplier on until the new year. Get back on your feet, but then I want a regular order of sourdough and brioche buns. Sound good?”
I blink at him slowly. “ What do you mean it’s too low? You don’t want a trial run? Or …?”
Why am I arguing with him?
“ Your accountant put in a pretty good word with me. I’ve seen how hard you work. I’m sold. Plus , we’re going to be family one day, so why would I want to work with anyone but my future sister-in-law?” He stands abruptly and shivers. “ Fuck . It’s cold in here.”
I’m still blushing from his comment about me being his future sister-in-law. “ I did offer to meet you at the restaurant.”
“ Yeah , but I didn’t think you’d want to read this with an audience.” He pulls an envelope from his pocket, and in the next beat, I’m pulled into his arms. “ Thank you for helping my brother see himself. For loving him for the exact reasons we do.”
He releases me and I bite my lip to keep the tears at bay. “ Is he okay?”
“ He is. Misses you like crazy, but he’s working on himself.” After another charming smile and quick hug, he dashes out of the building, shouting, “ See ya, Quinn ,” over his shoulder.
I tear through the paper the moment the door closes behind him.
The date at the top of the page reads October 13. After some quick math, I realize what day that was and what I’m holding.
It’s a torn-out page from Graham’s journal.
Yesterday she told me her favorite color was yellow. How no one has ever given this woman flowers before is a crime, but I love that I was the first person to do it. I hope she likes flowers because she’s going to be getting a lot of them now.
I was sure she was weirded out or angry at how we left things last time. I wish I’d just told her that I’d saved her number and had spent months typing out a message to her.
It’s funny how after just a few interactions I feel comfortable around her. She makes me nervous, but maybe it’s a good type of nervous.
I love the random things that come out of her pretty mouth.
There was no controlling the blush when she said I was handsome, but what surprised me the most was that I smiled. That’s something I haven’t done a lot of with people outside of my family.
I’m still shocked she’s even considering being my fake girlfriend.
I really hope she agrees to this, but if she doesn’t, I hope I can find a way to keep seeing her.
Tears spill onto the pages, so I bring the paper to rest against my lips, not wanting to smudge his words.
I remember that day so clearly. The bizarreness of it all. How he timidly told me about buying flowers for his mother and sister after his dad passed.
That tidbit of information let me know of his caring nature. And something told me he wouldn’t share that information with just anyone.
Seeing this side of him is fascinating and I can’t imagine how vulnerable he feels knowing I’m reading it.
But from this small insight into his mind, I feel closer to him than ever before.
“ Aunty Quinn !”
Chestnut brown pigtails are the last thing I see before I’m attacked by a tiny human.
My heart squeezes like it did the first time she called me that name. I drop a hand to the little girl’s head. “ Hey , Lottie . What are you doing here?”
I’m standing outside the bakery, admiring the stencils I applied to the new window Dex fitted the other day. Wreaths of holly and tiny snowflakes now sit around the edge of the glass.
“ I have something for you.” She smiles up at me, with the same green eyes as her uncle.
Florence , who is wrapped up in layers of clothes, jogs up behind Lottie . “ I’ve been away for a year and already my body has forgotten how cold these East Coast winters can be.” She ruffles Lottie’s hair. “ Hey , stinker, did you give Quinn her letter yet?”
“ There you go!” The little girl thrusts her arms toward me, with a little white envelope clutched between her mittened hands. “ Daddy told me to say that, umm… Oh ! ‘ Thank you for making Uncle Gray smile like a creeper whenever you’re around.’”
I snort and Florence rolls her eyes before speaking. “ I also have a message. We don’t know each other that well. Yet . But the way Graham looked at you when you stepped out of that car at the wedding, it was like seeing a love story unravel before my eyes. My brother has never shared his feelings with many people. With you, he can’t seem to contain them. Most of all”—she steps up and hugs me tightly—“you didn’t try to change him. You allow him the space to think; to exist in his quiet thoughts. Graham was the person I turned to when our dad passed. Sometimes we’d just sit there in silence together and it was the best company I could have asked for.”
“ I’m not sure I can handle many more visits like this,” I say as I dab at my eyes. “ But thank you.”
“ I’d keep some tissues close by.” She laughs before they both wave goodbye and head toward Our Place .
We’ve been apart for five days.
I hadn’t expected anymore letters after Booth’s delivery, and I’m not even through the door of the bakery before I’m shredding through the envelope. My smile grows wider when I see it’s another journal entry.
November 15
My worst nightmare came to life today. The second I heard the words Mom and hospital in the same sentence, I thought the worst.
She’s fine, but she will not be leaving the house. Ever again.
The last time someone I loved was hurt, the person I expected to see me through the pain let me down. Not Quinn . She stayed with me. Consoled me. Gave me time to collect my thoughts.
For the first time in a long time, I opened up to someone who wasn’t my family. It scared the shit out of me but I felt lighter after it.
She said something that rocked me to my core though. “ I don’t want you to be anything else.”
When I held her in my arms that night, I played those words over in my brain. Have I been too worried about what I should be, rather than what I am?
I read the last part over and over. This is dated weeks before the night of the wedding, but his words tell me he was slowly starting to see himself clearly. And also what damage Jenna did to his self-esteem.
When I get back to the van that evening, I add the letter to the pile beside my bed.
The newest David Attenborough documentary airs tonight, but I can’t bring myself to watch it without Graham .
He’s respecting my wishes for space, but I so badly want to text him about his day and to hear his voice.
I remind myself this is about both of us working on ourselves and I need to do my part.
Picking up my phone, I dial the number Jo gave me this morning. After a brief conversation, I have an appointment booked for January to meet with a therapist. It’s going to take time, and I know that Graham’s own journey isn’t going to happen overnight.
But we’re both trying.
And I’m so proud of us.