34. Graham
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
graham
Silence was a friend
That quickly turned to a foe
All because of her
If I thought life was lonely before she walked into it, I don’t know how to describe the aftermath of her departure.
It’s like spending your days basking in endless sunshine, knowing nothing different, for someone to then lock you away in a windowless, barren dungeon, one hundred feet below ground.
I’m glad she didn’t make me watch her pack, because I certainly couldn’t watch her leave.
I heard Johanna’s quiet voice consoling Quinn as she helped her with her suitcase. Just before she closed the door, she said, “ I’ll look after her, Graham .”
That’s my job, was all I could think.
Curly whines and scratches at the door now. Every minute that’s passed since she left has sent me deeper and deeper into a world of regret. It’s dark here. But I swear, in the distance, there’s a speck of light.
My living room still holds traces of her. She said this wasn’t goodbye and I believe that. Seeing her yellow rain boots still lined up next to my running shoes feeds that hope.
After thirty minutes of taking in all the things she left behind, I can’t stand to be trapped in here for a second longer.
With Curly clipped into his harness, we find ourselves on the same bench where Booth convinced me to ask Quinn to be my fake girlfriend not that long ago. The bite of the cold air means I can feel something other than utter misery.
My dog jumps onto the bench and lays his head on my thigh with a sad noise.
“ I miss her, too, buddy.”
I’m angry for spiraling the way I did and for making Quinn think I was trying to push her away. When I paid for the repairs on her van, I knew there was a chance she’d leave, but I also know how important her freedom and independence are to her.
After the worst night’s sleep, I exhausted myself on a run this morning until I started to think logically again.
Quinn never gave me any reason to doubt she would change her mind about our future together. I was the one who allowed Jenna’s words to burrow into my brain and distort everything Quinn and I have built.
Her opinion shouldn’t matter, yet I let it. That should have stopped the minute she walked out of the door and into the arms of my cousin. This agreement with Quinn was about proving to Jenna that she doesn’t hold power over me any longer. Something I failed miserably at.
As the chill sets in my bones, I take in the white bluffs across the bay. The somber sky above drowns out any color, making everything look solemn—an accurate depiction of my mood. Even the choppy waters smashing against the hulls of the boats mimic the banging of my heart against my ribs, screaming at me to see this—myself—differently.
I lose track of time until a voice interrupts my thoughts.
“ Can I join you?”
The sudden appearance of my older brother as he slides onto the bench has my head jerking up. The usual insult or jab I’d throw at him for scaring me is too much effort. So I just nod.
“ Quinn’s at our place,” he says as he settles next to me. “ I thought I’d give the girls some space and come find you.”
Knowing Quinn has a friend like Johanna to turn to is a small comfort.
“ She’s okay.” He takes in my slouched posture and grim demeanor. “ Looks about as gutted as you are though. Are you going to tell me what happened, or do I have to piece it together myself?”
Patrick sighs at my resounding silence.
“ Do you remember those few months I was struggling with managing the restaurant and raising a newborn? You pushed and pushed me to take a break. To delegate tasks to other people. Even slept at my house for an entire week so I could sleep. You pissed me off because you wouldn’t leave, and I was so grateful to you for it. So we can sit here all day until we’re frozen, but I’m not leaving, you surly bastard.”
The corners of my mouth twitch.
“ You can’t keep living with the regrets of yesterday. That’s what Dad would have said to you. You also can’t keep regretting your relationship with Jenna . It’s done. Over . Quinn is nothing like her. The fact that she’s putting you above your relationship, and her happiness, says that.”
“ I told her I couldn’t understand it.” My voice is strained after not speaking for so long.
“ Understand what?” He leans forward to hold my gaze .
“ What she sees in me. How she can love me. My head was fucked after her and Jenna’s conversation.”
“ Gray —” My flinch cuts him off. “ What did I say?”
My fingers flex in my gloves but I know I need to be honest with him. “ I hate being called Gray .”
His head rears back, brows furrowing underneath his hat. “ Since when? We’ve called you that for as long as I can remember.”
“ Jenna . The last thing she said to me before she walked out was, ‘ There’s a reason everyone calls you Gray . It’s fitting: dull, boring, and emotionless.’ Last night she pretty much said the same to Quinn .”
“ Fucking hell, she really is something. It’s a good thing Quinn wouldn’t believe a word that comes out of that snake’s mouth.”
My shoulders droop and I slide down the bench.
He groans and scrubs a hand down his face. “ Why on earth would Quinn ever think that? She loves you so much. It’s what she kept saying as she sobbed her way through our front door. Christ , Graham , are you really that blind?”
“ Yes !” I shout, the sudden outburst causing a flock of gulls to scatter as my voice ricochets around us.
Patrick doesn’t ask me to clarify, he just waits. Like Booth , he knows not to rush me.
“ She stood up for me, which should be mortifying. I regret how I handled it, but I was so fucking scared after Jenna said those things to her. I hated how I couldn’t stand up for myself, or see past Jenna’s words, that I clammed up.”
“ Do you believe it? What Jenna said?”
“ Up until this fall, yes.” I swallow. “ Not anymore.”
“ I don’t know how to help you fight those demons. Quinn is crazy about you. I’m so happy she’s in your life and sees you for who we’ve always seen. Me , Booth , Florence , Mom . Maybe we should have told you more often.” He grabs me by the shoulder and pulls me into a hug, the sudden act bringing on a whole new wave of emotions. “ We love you, for exactly who you are. And if Dad were here today, he’d say the same. Believe that Quinn loves you for you.” We break apart. “ If you don’t, you’re going to lose her. Trust this from the guy who spent years dancing around the woman he loved. When you have her, you don’t let her go.”
“ I don’t know what to do. I can’t change how I feel about myself overnight.”
“ It’s not about change. If anything, you need to show Quinn you understand why she loves you. Prove to her that you’re working on it.”
He makes it sound so easy.
We settle with our backs against the bench, the cold bite of the wood seeping through my jeans. He stays with me, though, as the minutes pass.
“ Dad would tell me to write this all down,” I eventually say.
“ He was smart. Knew what we needed to hear at just the right time.” He shuffles back and pulls out a wad of envelopes from his coat pocket and looks at them longingly. “ Right after we found out about the restaurant being sold, his words turned out to be exactly what I needed to read. I planned on giving these to you all at Christmas . I don’t know what it says, but something tells me you need his words right now.”
He presses the papers into my hands. “ The other two are for Booth and Florence . I think you should be the one to give them theirs—when they need it the most.” He stands and brushes the snow from his pants. “ Do you want me to say anything to Quinn when I see her?”
So much. But she needs assurances now, not excuses. “ Tell her that when we see each other next, it’s going to be one for the record books.”
Something in Patrick’s tone told me this letter shouldn’t be read in public.
Which is why I’m sitting at my desk, pulling away the seal of the envelope to reveal my dad’s familiar writing. It’s been so long since I’ve seen his curly C’ s and dramatic Y’ s .
With a deep breath, I read.
Graham ,
I don’t know where you’ll be when you read this, but as I’m writing this you’ll be landing in New York , to start your first semester of college. I wanted to let you know how proud your mother and I are of you.
There hasn’t been a day we haven’t been, and I know sometimes you fail to see that.
It can be hard to feel accepted or heard when you’re not loud or outgoing. Getting lost in a sea of voices that tend to be our own as we navigate our feelings. As well as our good looks, we share something else in common. Self -acceptance.
Growing up, you tried so hard to be outspoken like Booth or bossy like Patrick or goofy like Florence . You said you were desperate to be liked. You failed to see how your thoughtfulness helped calm Booth ; your rational thinking allowed Patrick to take a step back and look at the bigger picture; and your patience gave Florence a new perspective.
You quietly but fiercely cared for them all in your own way .
You , my boy, are and will always be exactly who you’re supposed to be.
Your mother helped me realize that about myself and so did you. Since becoming your father you’ve taught me so much. Patience . Forgiveness . Joy .
All I ask is that you’re kind to yourself and that when you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, they love you for exactly the man you are.
You always called me your hero, when really, you’re mine.
With all my love,
Dad
“ Fuck .” My glasses clatter to the desk and I bury my head in my hands, letting the raw emotion rock through my body.
Fifteen years. Fifteen years ago this was written. His advice has just been sitting there, waiting for me.
It’s not lost on me that his advice is so similar to the words of comfort I gave Quinn after her mother’s phone call.
I’d do anything to hear my dad speak these words to me. Reading them is a hit in the sternum with each letter and syllable.
He’s right though.
I laugh into my palms, knowing he’d love hearing me say that. There’s no point in dwelling over whether things would have turned out differently had I read it sooner. Before Jenna . His death. Meeting Quinn . This letter found its way to me at precisely the right time.
Quinn would still have walked into my life 249 days ago and turned it upside down. Or perhaps, the right way up.
I’ve known she was the person I wanted to spend my life with since the day of my mom’s accident. I know she’s nothing like Jenna and it shouldn’t have taken me until this morning to realize that.
It should have been her serenity in my silence. The way she wants to hear me laugh or make me smile. That anytime we kissed, she shined brighter.
Her love for me has been there all along.
My leather-bound journal sits on the corner of the desk. I slide it toward me and read through all the entries since I’ve met her. There’s a change in my tone from that first day I spoke to her; a hint of hope and wonder. And maybe that’s it. She needs to see I don’t question her love, but I also need to show her how without even knowing it, I’ve slowly started to accept myself again.
These pages will allow her to see that.
Being apart from her is going to kill me.
But the reunion will be incredible.