33. Quinn
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
quinn
Why can’t the people from our past let us be happy?
Just when I thought the storm following my mother’s visit had passed, Jenna comes rolling in. Ready to cause destruction. Disrupting the peace.
Tremors still pulse in my hands following my encounter with the bride. She’s like a weed. You think you’ve eradicated the issue, yet they keep growing back.
I couldn’t stand there and let her talk about Graham that way. Anger rose in me with each poisonous lie she spat. Had I said what I was really thinking, everything in me would have boiled over like a volcanic eruption. As much as I dislike her, I wasn’t about to turn into the angry girlfriend of the bride’s ex.
She can try, but she won’t ruin us.
Scraping from behind the bushes has me spinning on my heels toward the noise. When my eyes adjust to the darkness, my stomach drops and I clasp a hand over my mouth when Graham steps out.
His face is void of emotion.
Please don’t let him have heard the horrible things she said.
“ How long have you been standing there?” I whisper .
His eyes fall to his feet, confirming he witnessed it all. My heart thunders in my chest, so different to the happy beat it thumped to minutes ago when he told me he loved me. I wait for him to respond, plead at him with my eyes to speak to me. When he finally talks, my eyes fall shut.
“ Are you ready to leave?”
Not wanting to drag this night out any longer than necessary, I start walking toward his car with him following closely behind.
Only few would spot the unease in his muscles, the way his hand finds the back of his neck, or how his eyes dart to the side. He’s panicking. Quietly . And I don’t know what to do.
Something lingers in the air between us during the journey home. It’s nothing like the serene and quiet moments I’m used to. This silence isn’t him taking the time to find the right words. It’s avoidance.
I don’t push him to talk and give him the space I know he needs, but after neither of us speaks for what feels like hours as we get ready for bed, I’m ready to combust.
When I return from the bathroom and find Graham sitting on the edge of my bed, some of my anxiety subsides when he opens his arms for me. I catapult myself into him and bury my face into his neck. His body is rigid, but I convince myself it’s from all the socializing and being around her .
“ Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” I murmur into his skin.
He cups the back of my head and kisses along my jaw. “ I’m thinking I want to make love to you. Can I ?”
It’s something, I think, and it’s clear he craves the comfort of touch right now.
“ I’d love nothing more.”
The pajamas I put on are useless. He peels them from my body in no time. The same goes for his briefs. We settle on top of the comforter and when the blunt head of his cock settles between my thighs, he doesn’t push forward like I’m aching for him to do. He lies there, cocooning me in his warmth, while breathing deeply against my pulse point.
“ Look at me, Graham .”
My heart cracks when he does. There’s no doubt he wants me, and I’m right here, underneath him. So why does he look at me like I might disappear in his next breath?
“ I love you,” I whisper.
“ God , Quinn . I love you so much,” he says on a sigh and finally sinks into me. “ You have no idea.”
I gasp as he fills me, and my hands fall to his ass, encouraging him to move deeper. “ Show me how much. Please .”
With an agonizing slowness, he enters me until he’s fully seated. Every time with him is incredible; whether it’s sweet and sensual or fast and greedy. Tonight he’s making love to me so gently, it makes my chest ache.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
He whispers against my lips with each roll of his hips.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I moan into his mouth as I cling to him with each thrust.
We say those words to each other over and over long after he finishes inside me. It’s only when our eyes fall closed that we stop.
I can’t fall asleep, and with his head resting on my chest, I’m not sure if it finds him either.
Tonight we shared something sacred. There’s no doubt he meant what he said.
So why does it feel like he’s pulling away?
A thumping sound beside my head is the first thing to greet me when I wake up. The empty space beside me is the second when I peel my eyes open. Curly’s tail whips against the pillow as the dog whines at me. The time on my phone tells me it’s still pretty early but Graham usually goes for a run on Sunday mornings.
I’m hoping he just needed a good night’s sleep and some fresh air to clear his head.
“ Morning , little guy.” I stroke a hand down his shiny coat. “ Where’s your daddy? Where’s Graham ?”
As if he heard his name, the man himself walks into the bedroom just as my phone rings.
Rolling back over, I accept the call. “ Hello ?”
“ Hey , Quinn . It’s Ricky from the garage.”
“ Oh , hi, Ricky .” I clear my throat. My eyes haven’t left Graham’s but at the sound of the mechanic’s name, his body pulls taut, and he goes to speak before snapping his mouth shut.
“ I hope you guys had a good Thanksgiving . Good news! The van is ready to be picked up.”
I rub at my eyes, but maybe I should clean out my ears. “ Sorry , ready? Can you not keep it at the shop anymore? I’ll have the money together soon, but if you need me to pay for storage?—”
“ What ? No . Did Graham not tell you?”
Confusion has me sitting up. “ No , he didn’t. What’s happening?” I take in Graham’s torn expression and barely hear Ricky’s reply.
“ Your man paid for everything. And then some. Sorry , I thought you knew. I hope I didn’t ruin some big surprise. Anyway , I’ll be here until five today if you want to swing by and get her. Call me if there are any issues.”
“ Okay , will do.” My voice is robotic and when the call ends, my hand falls to the plush bedding. “ You didn’t?”
This goes way beyond baking me a cake or buying me flowers. The cost of fixing the van was already pushing four thousand dollars. I don’t want to imagine what this then some means.
“ He was supposed to call me. ” He’s annoyed and avoiding the real question here. With rigid shoulders and clenched fists, he stares at the ground.
I rise from the bed, still naked, but wrap myself in my robe before taking a timid step toward him. “ Do -do you want me to leave?”
His head shoots up, eyes wide. “ Of course not.” My body relaxes, but he’s still unsure as he shifts in place and rubs at the back of his neck. “ It was going to be a gift for Christmas .”
“ This is too much. I can’t accept this. Not after everything you’ve done for me. You don’t have to keep doing these things for me.” I take another step.
“ I do.”
“ Why ?”
His fingers drag through his hair, almost knocking his glasses off. The need to know what’s going on in that head of his becomes too much. “ Graham , please look at me.” When he finally does, the crushed expression on his face stops me in my tracks. “ Tell me what you’re thinking. Don’t sit with your thoughts when I’m here to listen.”
He hasn’t struggled with words in front of me for so long. Even then it was because of nerves. This is something completely different. The defeated, broken tone of his voice is enough to send me crashing to my knees. “ Since we met, I’ve never understood how a relationship between us could work—let alone a fake one. I thought that maybe if I fixed your van or bought you gifts you wouldn’t see what she did. Then after I heard you speaking with Jenna ...”
“ Do you think I believe her?”
His response is immediate. “ It’s one of my biggest fears. ”
My anger from last night returns with a vengeance. I’m also riddled with disbelief that he’d think I’d believe anything she had to say.
“ Everything she said last night was foul and the furthest thing from the truth.” My voice cracks. “ I don’t need gifts, Graham , I keep telling you this. I’m here because I want to be. Forget the flowers, the cake, the boots. I’m here for you. But right now, it feels like you’re pushing me away.”
The last word is barely out of my mouth before he’s crowding me, enveloping me in his arms. “ No . No . Fuck . I’ve spent all night reassuring myself you don’t believe her. I panicked after I saw you two talking. The last thing I want to do is push you away, it’s just… I don’t understand.”
I peer up at him. “ Understand what?”
He hesitates, discomfort pulling his features tight. “ How you can love me.”
The splintering of my heart is practically audible.
Since I’ve met him, I’ve known he doesn’t see himself in the same light as others do. He second-guesses himself, and his words, or worries he’s done the wrong thing. With each day we’ve spent together, he’s gained confidence and become more sure of himself.
None of the people who love him want him any differently.
Yet he still can’t see that.
“ Don’t talk like that. Like we didn’t just spend the most incredible couple of months together. Take away the gifts and the acts of kindness and you still make me so incredibly happy.” I cup his cheek, forcing him to look at me. “ Do you remember what you said to me after my mom called? You said, ‘ You’re exactly how you should be; and that is perfect.’ I would never want to change you, not like her. But if there is one thing I want you to do differently, it’s for you to love yourself the way your family loves you. The way…” The tears I’ve been holding back break through the dam. “ The way I love you. ”
“ God , Quinn , honey. No , don’t cry.” He clutches me harder.
“ Tell me you believe me. That you know I love you,” I sob into his chest.
“ I believe you. I do. We’re just so different. All I see is you, and what if one day down the line you realize this is a mistake? I don’t want you to regret anything. If you regretted us I’m not sure how I could survive that. I want you to be sure that I’m what you want.”
His whispered words might as well be screamed with the way they make my head throb.
“ Wanting you has been the best decision I’ve ever made.” I hold onto him like a life raft in vicious white waters and beg my voice to remain steady as I speak. “ Do you know what I do regret?”
He doesn’t respond.
“ Not falling in love with you sooner.”
How can I make him believe me? I don’t know what more I can give him outside of my words to prove this will never be a regret. I’m so angry at myself for not seeing it sooner. He’s become so withdrawn from himself, he’s dubbed himself unlovable, despite the small army of people in his life who feel so lucky to be loved by him.
Graham can love, but he doesn’t believe he can be loved.
“ Tell me what to do? I’ll do anything. I don’t want to fuck this up,” he pleads as his head falls to mine.
“ My biggest fear growing up was not being loved. I lived that fear daily. Knowing you love me is the most incredible feeling. Do you know what my biggest fear is now?”
He shakes his head and fresh tears gather in the corners of my eyes. “ It’s that you feel you have to prove your love to me, and you’ll forget to love yourself.”
“ Quinn . Baby , please. I do…” His words trail off.
He can’t even say it.
And that tells me enough.
“ You’re a beautiful, selfless, incredible man, Graham Sadler , and I’m sorry anyone ever made you think otherwise.” The tears are endless now, soaking his T -shirt and blurring my vision. I’m grateful I can’t see his face when I speak. “ I think we need time. You need time to see what I see every day.” I press a hand to my chest, like I can keep my heart from fracturing any further. “ I know you don’t mean it, but it hurts seeing the doubt in your eyes when all you give me is joy.”
“ What are you saying?” he asks, his voice so full of anguish.
Even though my next words split me down the middle, this feels like the only option.
“ If all you see is me, how can you see yourself?” His grip doesn’t loosen when I try to pull away. “ The van is ready, and I think a little space is what we both need.”
“ Quinn , no. Please don’t make me say goodbye.” The pain on his face is devastating, but he needs this. We need this. There’s a lot we’ve both left unresolved for too long. Me with my mother and him with Jenna . I worry that with me here, he won’t address them and his fears will eat away at him, day by day.
“ This isn’t goodbye.” I try to smother my sob with my hand, but it’s no use as it rips through my chest. “ I’m doing this because I love you so much. Sometimes we have to do things that cause us pain to get to the best part. Us . We are the best part, Graham . You are one-half of us. Please love every part of it. I need you to try.”
At that, the fight leaves him. I miss him the moment he releases me, scared that I’m the one pushing him away now.
“ I think I need to work on myself too.” My hand cups the back of his neck, begging him with my eyes to understand. “ After my mom turned up I realized I was still letting her control me. We have to stop the people from our past thinking they have a say anymore. ”
He nods his head and takes a step back. The small space feeling so much bigger than it is.
Never did I see the last twenty-four hours ending like this. A piece of me blames myself for ignoring all the times he’s talked badly about himself or downplayed the incredible things he did for me.
How long has he felt this way about himself?
For years, all I knew was hate, and it took time for me to love myself again.
As I drag my suitcase out from under the bed, I remind myself that this isn’t over. I need him to go on that same journey I went on. If it takes half a decade or more, he’s worth it. But it’s up to him to realize that.
He stands there, staring at the spot where I just vacated. I fold the lavender blanket we made love on last night and breathe in the scent of us.
“ Graham ,” I whisper gently. He manages to drag his gaze away to look at me. “ I - I can’t pack if you’re watching. It’s too hard.”
His face crumples but he nods as he backs toward the open doorway, only to pause.
“ Can I keep that?” He nods toward the knitted blanket balled in my hands. “ I’m going to try. For us. I don’t know what it looks like, but while I search for what you—we need—can I keep something of yours?”
I don’t know how my tear ducts haven’t dried up yet. My lip wobbles as I place it onto the bed, not brave enough to give it to him because I’ll end up in his arms. “ You have my heart. That’s what you’ll keep.”
“ It’s my most prized possession,” he says hoarsely before swallowing. “ What if I can’t love myself the way you love me?”
“ Then I’ll wait.”