Chapter 15
Clara
When our skin wrinkled, we got out of the hot tub and dried off. Beck gave me his sweats to wear. Now I was sitting in a rocking chair watching him cook steaks and potatoes on the grill. With anyone else, I would say it was the perfect date night. But everything was different with Beck.
The stakes were higher because he didn't want anything beyond sex. But what happened when your heart got involved despite your best intentions?
Before Beck, I wondered how one fell in love and then out of it again. But now that I was experiencing this slow, sweet slide into love with Beck, I knew it was different. It felt all encompassing, as if my whole body, mind, and soul were involved.
My chest felt tight because he'd never be open to hearing my theories on what was happening between us. He probably clung to the idea that it was just a fling. A brief interlude that he could walk away from at any time.
If he walked away, I wasn't sure he'd ever realize his mistake. He was so married to this story he told himself that he didn't get attached to anyone, and he moved on after every job, not letting anyone or anything tie him down.
The smell of meat cooking had my stomach growling, and the heaters were doing a good job of keeping me warm. Fat flakes had just started to fall from the sky.
I stood and walked across the deck in thick socks. "It's snowing."
He closed the grill and moved to stand behind me, placing his hands on the railing on either side of my body. He kissed my neck. "I want to keep you naked in my bed while the snow falls."
I laughed. "Snow doesn't usually shut things down here."
"That's a shame. Maybe I'll tie you to my bed so you can't leave."
My heart flipped, and I turned in his arms, looping my arms around his neck. "That sounds nice."
He arched a brow. "You want me to keep you here?"
"As long as it comes with orgasms."
He lowered his mouth to mine. "That can be arranged."
We kissed for a while. Then he moved away again to check the food. When it was done, I helped him carry everything inside.
"I have a few brews to test. You want to try them?"
"Are they Rowan's?" I asked, setting the table for two. I wondered if he ever used the table in the cabin. Did he like to eat alone? Maybe he went out to business dinners. I couldn't imagine how lonely that would feel. Did he realize how empty his life really was?
I'd noticed when something was missing in my life. Was he capable of doing the same in his?
He opened a bottle and poured the amber liquid into a glass. "Yes."
"He hasn't shared these with me before." Maybe he'd shown our brothers. They were closer than I was to any of them.
"You're about to see how talented he is," he said, pouring himself a glass.
"Have you done any more research into breweries and beer baths?"
He handed me a glass and then sat down across from me. "I think it could be something unique to offer here."
"Are you planning to help Rowan?" I asked, curious about where his head was at. I had a feeling if he invested in the family business, there was more of a reason for us to stay away from each other. But if he didn't, he wouldn't have much of a reason to return.
"I love the idea, and if I'm going to recommend it to Rowan, I want to be involved."
"Wow." I cut into my steak.
He set his steak knife down. "Are you surprised?"
"You said you didn't usually invest in small family businesses, and you were concerned about the dynamics between my brothers."
"That's true. I'm still feeling things out, but it's a great idea. I'd like to see it through."
"So you've made your decision."
He shook his head. "There are a few more things I want to look at, and I want to talk to everyone."
"Everyone?" I asked.
"I want to present the idea to the entire family. It is a family business, isn't it?"
I sighed. "My brothers run it now. Mainly Malcolm and Callum."
"But is that working for everyone?"
I'd numbed myself to the irritation years ago. "Does it matter?"
His gaze was intent on mine. "I think it does."
I sighed. "I got Gran's shop, and the boys got the inn. It's fine."
His brow furrowed. "Is that what you wanted though?"
"I don't know what I wanted. At one point, I thought it would be neat to plan the weddings or help at the inn, but that's not something I even think about anymore. I'm focused on the shop."
He nodded and ate a piece of steak.
I smoothed my hands over the sweats. "I've started cleaning out the house."
His forehead wrinkled. "What do you mean?"
"It was filled with Gran's things." I mashed the baked potato, trying to focus on something besides the man sitting across from me.
He frowned. "I would have thought that would have been done when she died."
I sipped my water. "Mom said that she couldn't do it right away, but she's never been ready."
"You've been living in your grandmother's house with all her things?"
I shrugged. "It made me feel close to her."
He tipped his head to the side, considering me. "But don't you want a place of your own?"
"I'm wondering if that's why I feel so stuck. I wanted to see if removing some of her things made me feel better, and it did."
"What does your family think?"
"I haven't said anything yet. But I need to offer them the opportunity to take what they want. The garage is full of things she collected and intended to sell but never did. None of that stuff has any sentimental value, so I shouldn't have any problems donating those boxes."
"You need help cleaning out the garage?"
"I got it, but thank you for offering." Dinner was delicious and the atmosphere cozy with the snow falling outside and a fire crackling in the fireplace inside. Then there was the company. I was telling Beck something I hadn't even admitted to my family yet.
He was separated from the situation. He didn't know my grandmother. Her things didn't hold any special memories. So it should have been easier to discuss this with him. But at the same time, I liked confiding in him. And he was interested in what I had to say.
My ex would have deferred to what my family wanted. He wouldn't have considered my feelings.
"I think it's great you're clearing things out. It's a good way to make space for something new."
I cracked a smile. "Are you talking about new decor or something else?"
"Anything really. I don't like to hold onto many things."
"That's an interesting idea." I had a feeling that he was talking about something else. He didn't hold onto anything because it was a method of self-preservation.
"It's just a mindset thing. I spend a lot of time listening to business-success audiobooks and motivational speakers."
"Really?" I asked, curious about this piece of him that he chose to share with me.
"I immerse myself in my business and want it to be as successful as it can be. I don't have anything else to distract me."
He meant that he didn't have a family or many friends that he was invested in. "You don't see your siblings?"
"They're busy with their own lives. They don't need me following up with them."
"Are you sure about that?" I asked, watching him carefully for any emotion.
"If they want to see me, they know where I am," he said simply, leaning back in his chair.
Did they though? I wondered how much of his life he shared with his siblings.
Did he keep himself closed off from everyone?
He was so casual about his family, as if they truly didn't mean anything to him, and I wondered if that was a defense mechanism.
Pretend that no one has a special place in your life so they can't hurt you?
The thing was he hadn't told me much about his past. It was just a feeling I got.
He stood and cleared his plate. "Are you finished?"
His expression was intense, as if he intended for me to stay. I kept expecting him to distance himself from me in a permanent way. It was an unsettling feeling.
He moved toward me, taking my plate from me and setting it on the table. "Leave that for later."
I arched a brow as he held his hand out to me. I placed my hand in his. "What do you want?"
He raised my hand to his mouth and kissed it. "I want to explore this delectable body."
I huffed out a laugh. "Haven't you already done that?"
He lowered my hand, his touch sending tingles through my body. "Not nearly enough. This time I'm going to take my time and get to know every soft inch."
"I like the sound of that." I felt light, as if I could float away if he blew on me.
When he was like this, open and free, I could see a future with him.
But he had too many hang-ups for us ever to be a thing.
It was too bad, because he seemed to have a lot of love to give, if he could just trust that it would be well received and protected.
Instead, he went through life distrusting most people, keeping the best parts of himself hidden so he wouldn't get hurt.
It only made me feel more for him, even though I knew a relationship wasn't possible and any love I felt for him wouldn't be returned.
He held my hand, leading the way up the stairs and to the master bedroom. At the end of the bed, he turned to face me. "Sometimes I can't believe you're here with me."
Before I could ask what he meant by that, he cupped my cheeks and kissed me softly.
My heart was fluttering in my chest, teetering on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall at any moment.
It didn't matter that I knew what I was getting into.
I wanted to step off that cliff into a free fall, hoping he'd catch me at the bottom but knowing that he wouldn't.
He slowly removed my clothing, then his. He lowered me to the bed where he covered my body with his own. He took his time kissing and touching down my body until he was positioned between my legs.
He guided my legs over his shoulders and parted my folds with this fingers. This time, the moment felt far more intimate than any other one. We shared more about ourselves, and I felt like I knew a bit about where he was coming from.
He took his time, licking and sucking, his fingers pumping inside me until the orgasm washed over me with waves of pleasure. He moved up my body, grabbing a condom and entering me before I'd had a chance to come down from the high.
My muscles were still spasming with aftershocks as he moved inside me. It set off another ripple of pleasure. The sensations were never-ending, and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest.
This thing with him felt out of control. Every time we came together, I got in deeper, and it wasn't smart. But I couldn't seem to walk away. I was in this no matter what happened.
Each movement, each snap of his hips, sent me higher. He was hitting something deep inside me, something that I'd been searching for all my life. I'd never felt so alive. Is this what I was looking for? Someone to love? A relationship?
Or was it something bigger, a change in my life? I was making it my own finally. And maybe that was the difference. Not just this man.
He lowered his body over mine so that I felt his weight on me. Then he kissed me, and I forgot about everything else. The worries, the stress, the potential consequences of what we were doing. Until it was just him and me and what our bodies were creating.
This time when we went over, it was together, and I'd never felt anything more powerful.
When the white light burst underneath my eyelids, the future flashed in front of me.
More nights like this with Beck. Him saying he'd stay for me.
My brothers working with Beck to build something amazing that benefited my entire family.
It was too good to be true, but I wanted it anyway. No matter how unlikely a scenario it was, I needed it.
It was going to hurt when he left.
He rolled us so that I was laying half on top of him. He took care of the condom and then held me tight. "Are you staying the night?"
"Yes." I had no intentions of leaving this bed. I'd deal with tomorrow when it came.
He let out a breath as if he'd been holding it for a long time. Then he held me tighter.
I wasn't sure where this was going, but I had a feeling it would lead to heartbreak. But my eyes were wide open, and I had no one to blame but myself for getting involved with someone who had no intentions of committing to anything outside of business.