Chapter 22
Beck
I stood on the porch for a long time after her taillights disappeared in the distance. I didn't feel the wind blowing or the sting of the snowflakes hitting my cheeks.
Finally, I forced myself to go inside. I felt numb. She'd left, but I couldn't seem to conjure up any feelings about that.
The numbness was familiar. I went through every moment in a daze where nothing could penetrate. The only problem was that I couldn't feel joy or happiness either. But it was safer this way. I was encased in a thick, soft blanket where nothing could get to me.
It was the pain on Clara's face that kept coming back to me. She was upset. Did she want me to stay? Didn't she know that I couldn't?
She knew that nothing could come from this. It was always supposed to be a short-term thing. We were never going to get forever. I wasn't made for it.
I was upfront with her. I'd told her I was going to leave.
I was a man of my word. I prided myself on getting in and getting out without any entanglements.
But this time, I'd broken all my rules. I'd invested in a family-owned business and got involved with Clara, long after I should have broken things off.
Every time a feeling would threaten to creep in, I clung to the familiar numbness. It had always gotten me through tough times, and it would get me through this.
I needed to leave before Christmas. Everyone knew that holidays were for families. I didn't want to stick around. People would start to issue invitations for me to attend their gatherings, and I wanted to avoid that. I didn't need pity invites when I was perfectly fine alone.
I thought that Clara would stay one more night though. We could have talked about how the meeting went, and I could have got lost in the feel of her body again.
I didn't like leaving while Malcolm was upset with me, but he'd come around. Or I'd lose the only friend I'd managed to keep over the years. It was probably for the best. He wouldn't be happy if he ever found out about how I'd slept with his sister. One more reason to stay away.
I kept reaching for the numbness, but it was eluding me. My jaw hurt from clenching my teeth. I didn't want to feel any sort of way about Clara driving away from the cabin and me.
I needed it now more than ever. I wouldn't let the disappointment in her pained expression get to me. She wanted something from me, and I avoided any kind of expectation.
There was no way I'd be able to meet someone's needs. I had no idea how to act in a relationship or at the holidays. It was better for me to stay away.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed one of the beers that Rowan gave me to sample.
I screwed off the top and drank deeply. I wasn't taste testing; I didn't want to focus on anything.
I wanted to escape as fast as I could. Get far away from the Harts, this town, and definitely Clara.
So far away I wouldn't remember how she looked when I told her I was leaving.
Leaving wasn't supposed to hurt. It was supposed to be easy. But Clara wasn't like anyone else. She was different.
She'd gotten to me despite my best intentions. All the more reason to leave, to get out of town. The farther I was from her, the less I'd feel.
My phone buzzed with an incoming text.
Gina: Where are you going to be for Christmas?
I heard from my sister more than from my brother. She tried to reach out from time to time, but I generally resisted her efforts.
Beck: Not sure. I need to figure out which job to take next.
Gina: You're planning to start a new job now?
Beck: I'm done with this one.
Gina: Aren't you in Colorado near Christmas Town? I can't imagine a better place to be at this time of year.
Beck: It's not for me.
This was the most open I'd ever been with my sister. She was getting me at a vulnerable time. I should put my phone down. Better yet, turn it off.
Gina: What if I want to come visit?
Beck: I'll let you know where I land.
We both knew that wasn't true. I might tell her on December twenty-sixth, but not before. I had no intention of spending the holidays with anyone. I preferred to bury myself in work and pretend the outside world didn't exist. My siblings were better off with their friends or significant others.
Gina: You won't though.
I didn't bother responding because she was right. She knew me better than anyone.
Gina: I want to visit Christmas Town. Will you pick me up at the Denver airport?
Beck: Why are you pushing so hard?
Gina: I just broke things off with my boyfriend, and I can't talk to Percy. He's wrapped up in his girlfriend.
Beck: I don't know why you'd think I'd be of any help in a breakup
Gina: You're my only other family.
Beck: You'd be better off talking to a friend.
Gina: Everyone's going home for the holidays. They're busy with their families.
Beck: They'll invite you home.
That's what I always told myself about my siblings. They didn’t need me. A friend would invite them to their holiday meal.
Gina: That works for Thanksgiving. Not so much for Christmas.
I didn't want my sister to be alone, especially if she was upset.
Gina: Is Hart’s Inn owned by the family you were working with? Maybe I could stay there.
I didn't think there would be any availability for the holidays.
Beck: You can stay with me.
Gina: You're going to stay in town then? You won't leave before I get there?
Beck: I don't have much of a choice.
Gina: Yay! Getting a flight now.
Beck: I'll send you money for it.
Gina: I can afford an airline ticket, Dad.
Beck: I'm not your dad.
I was her brother, a poor one at that. It was weird that she was pushing so hard this time to see me.
Did she sense that something had changed?
Or had I lost my touch? I used to be better at this.
They were always going somewhere with a friend.
It was easy to brush them off, and say I'd be fine.
I was working on this or that. But this time, she wasn't taking no for an answer.
Gina: You can show me around town.
Beck: I'm not into the holidays.
Gina: But I love Christmas.
And I loved her. Despite my reservations about being close to anyone, I protected and supported my siblings from afar because I figured I was too messed up to be close to them otherwise. I didn't want to mess up their lives any more than my parents already had.
But her coming here derailed my plans. I was supposed to get out of town, far away from Clara and the Hart family, who'd come to mean a lot to me. Now Gina was coming here. She'd want to meet everyone and to celebrate the holidays like a regular family.
Why did she think she could come to me because of a breakup? I'd never been good at being there for my siblings unless it was something that could be solved with money.
Clara hadn't texted, and I wasn't expecting her to. She'd declined my offer to spend the night, and she wasn't going to change her mind.
Even if I wasn't leaving town, that didn't mean that we could continue our relationship. It was best to break it off now before either of us got any deeper.
In the meantime, I'd check through the new job possibilities and see which one looked good. Hopefully, there was one that was far away from Colorado.
I set my phone aside and lay down on the bed. The sheets still smelled like Clara. I needed to wash them and clear the cabin of any memory of her.
I rubbed my chest. This was the reason I needed to get out of there. I should have offered to meet Gina at the Mistletoe Inn. I could have checked out of this rental and all the memories it held. I was making mistake after mistake.
It took a long time to fall asleep. I tossed and turned, the unease in my gut only growing with each passing minute.
The urge to flee was strong, but I was stuck here waiting for my sister to arrive. And when she did, she'd have questions. Ones I didn't want to answer.
The next morning, I woke with a splitting headache. I decided I must have slept funny. It wasn't because I was upset about Clara walking out last night.
I was in no mood to entertain anyone. When the phone buzzed with an incoming text message, I wanted to ignore it. But it could be Clara, so I checked it.
Malcolm: Clara said you were on your way out of town. I was hoping we could talk before you left.
She'd already told everyone? Of course she had. She was close with her family. She'd want to protect her family by telling them the truth. I was upfront that I was leaving, but I never gave an exact date.
My favorite exit strategy was to leave before anyone expected it. That way, there couldn't be a farewell dinner or party and no awkward goodbyes and promises to see anyone soon. No expectations. No ties. Somehow, I broke every rule on this job.
Beck: I have time to talk.
Malcolm: Can I come over now?
Beck: Sure
I texted him the address because, other than Clara, no one knew where I was staying.
I inspected the cabin to ensure it was clean and that there was no trace of Clara to be found.
I wasn't worried about her showing up. This was about the time any woman I was dating figured out I wasn't fixable and I wasn't changing. Not for them or anyone else.
Although that thought didn't feel as good as it usually did.
I made some coffee, thinking that I should attempt to be a good host.
I was just pouring mine when the knock came. I set the mug down and crossed the living room to open the door.
Malcolm stood there in a heavy winter coat. There were a few inches of snow on the ground, not that weather slowed down Coloradans.
I stepped back. "Come in."
His gaze flickered to the suitcases. "You're packed."
I cleared my throat. "I was getting ready to leave, but now my sister is on her way."
He raised a brow. "Your sister? I didn't know you were close."
What should I say—I try not to be? That probably wasn't socially acceptable. "She said she needed me. Something about a breakup." I couldn't believe she was coming to me for emotional support.
He actually softened. "That's sweet that your sister comes to you when she's going through a hard time."
"I'm not sweet." What had happened over the last few weeks? I'd lost my signature brooding status, the demeanor that kept everyone away.
He accepted the mug. "Well, yeah. I know that. Maybe your sister sees a different side of you."
I scowled. "There's only one side."
He sat on the stool at the island. "You're extra grumpy this morning. I would have thought you'd be happy with the way Rowan and you stonewalled me yesterday."
"I didn't stonewall you. I gave you an opportunity. It's your choice to be involved or not." I shrugged. "Makes no difference to me."
"I thought we were friends."
I rested my elbows on the counter. "You know I don't usually recommend going into business with friends or family."
He sipped his coffee. "Fair enough. But I asked you to come here. It feels like a betrayal that you're on Rowan's side."
I sighed. "I'm not on your brother's side. I just like his idea, and I want to see it become a reality."
He sighed. "You think we should do it."
I shifted on my feet. "That's what I said last night, didn't I?"
His shoulders lowered. "I'm worried about taking too big of a risk."
"The thing is that I'm investing in this endeavor, and I'm giving my expert opinion on how to build the business.
I'm not going to steer you wrong. This is literally why people come to me.
The only difference is that I don't stick around and guide business owners through the process.
I evaluate and give my advice. Then I move on. "
His gaze raised to meet mine. "You're good at that, aren't you?"
I felt a sense of pride. "I think so."
"I didn't mean good in business. I was talking about the moving-on part."
I'd always prided myself on being able to move on cleanly from any situation. But not this time. "I have been. Yes."
"I don't get it. Why don't you stick around and get your hands dirty on this project? You said yourself; you're excited about it. You want to see the finished project. Don't you think it would be better to be here while it's being built?"
"This isn't my only job."
"I get that. But why not make this your home base? I know we haven't had a lot of time to spend together while you were here. But I thought you liked the place. Clara said it was growing on you."
"How would she know?" I asked gruffly.
"She took you on a couple of tours in town and then on the hike. I asked her how it went."
At least she hadn't told him about us. If she had, he would have led with that. "You know I don't stay anywhere."
"Aren't you tired of always moving on to a new place, a new business? Don't you ever just want to settle down?"
I chuckled without any humor. "No."
He set the mug down and headed toward the door. "I'll let you get to it. Have a good visit with your sister."
I followed him, feeling my stomach dip. "Are we good?"
"I still don't know what I'm going to do about Rowan's brewery. I was more worried about our friendship. But we'll be okay."
"Of course," I said easily, even though I never thought it would last. I was too screwed up to maintain a relationship.
Malcolm stepped onto the porch and turned to face me. "I bet you're used to everyone giving up on you. Forgetting about you when you've moved on."
I didn't like that he saw me so easily. "It's better that way."
He nodded. "I was hoping you'd change your mind."
"I don't see that happening," I said, squinting against the hope in his eyes and the sun in the sky.
"It was worth a shot. Good luck wherever you end up." He reached the door of his truck and paused. "You and your sister are welcome for Christmas dinner. We'd love to have you."
"You know I don't—" I broke off, unable to tell him what he didn't want to hear.
"I thought you'd want your sister to have a normal Christmas." He got into his truck, and I went inside, mostly to get away from how vulnerable he made me feel.
Malcolm saw me like no one else did. Maybe it was because I'd told him about my past. Not everything but enough to draw some conclusions about why I was the way I was.
Maybe if I'd told Clara everything, she'd understand too. She'd know why I couldn't change. Why I could never be the man for her.