Chapter 23
Beck
I drove to Denver to pick Gina up from the airport. She was already standing on the curb by the time I pulled up. I parked and turned on the hazards. Then I got out to grab her bags.
When I hefted the third one into the back, I asked, "How long are you planning on staying?"
Her lips pursed. "I was living with him."
"You don't have your own place?" Had she told me that, and I just forgot?
I didn't keep close tabs on my siblings.
They were adults, and I wasn't their parent.
I just looked after them until they turned eighteen.
I helped them get into school, and I sent money.
But I wasn't the guy you could go to when you didn't have a place to stay. Unless I was losing my touch.
She rolled her eyes. "No, Dad."
I hurried to open the passenger-side door for her.
She climbed inside, and I closed the door.
I rounded the hood of the rental and slid into the driver's side seat. "I'm renting this place because I was planning on moving on before Christmas."
She turned to face me in her seat. "I thought you were working with a friend this time."
I'd already told her too much information. "I was."
"What happened?"
"I'm waiting for the family to decide if they want to work with me. But I don't need to be here to finalize the deal."
"You're staying because of me." Her voice was soft.
"Yes," I said as I pulled into traffic, sensing that she was watching me.
"What if I want to stay?"
"That's your decision." I didn't have to be here just because she was. We'd never been that kind of family.
"I want to be close to my family."
I glanced over at her. "You know that's not how we operate. Our parents—"
She shook her head. "Family isn't always parents or blood, you know? But you are my brother."
"I'm not the one you deserve."
She scoffed. "Aren't you the one who petitioned for custody of us as soon as you could? You supported us.”
I kept my gaze on the road. "I did what anyone would do."
"Our parents didn't do that," she cried.
"What are you saying?" I really didn't want to hear where this was going. But we were trapped in this car together.
"You're a good guy. You could be there for someone if you wanted to be. You were there for Percy and me."
"And you think that because I picked you up from the airport?"
"I think that because I know you'll always respond when I call. That's who you are. I think you don't see yourself."
"Malcolm just walked out of my place saying that my favorite thing to do was leave."
She pursed her lips. "That's true too."
I shook my head before signaling a lane change. "You're not making any sense."
"Why are you still here if you always move on?" she asked.
I sighed. "I think we already established that you called me and insisted on a visit."
"You could have said no. You could have kept the flight out of town I know you had booked."
"What's going on with this boyfriend of yours?"
She sighed and looked out the window. "I made a bad decision. I shouldn't have moved in with anyone."
"You're too young for that."
"I'm not too young. I just did it with the wrong person."
"Did he hurt you?"
She rolled her eyes. "He's an immature idiot. I can handle myself."
I was proud of her for being a strong, independent woman, but I wasn't sure I had any hand in her development. "What are you going to do?"
"I'll head back after Christmas to figure out my living situation. I might be able to room with a friend."
"You're here for Christmas," I said flatly, even though I already suspected she'd stick around.
She raised a brow. "Isn't that when people normally visit?"
"No one visits me at Christmas."
"That's because no one knows where you are. You're always moving from one place to another. But what if I needed a place to come home to, one that's decorated with a Christmas tree and serves a family meal?"
I glanced over at her. "Is that what you want?"
She crossed her arms over her chest. "Maybe."
"Why didn't you say something a long time ago? I thought you were fine going home with friends. I thought you preferred that."
"You're the one who preferred that because you didn't want to deal with the holidays and everything that came with them."
"It meant family."
"We're family. Just because our parents are shit doesn't mean that we can't celebrate Christmas."
"I don't know if I can be the person you need," I finally said.
She smiled softly. "We'll be imperfect together then."
"The Harts invited us for dinner on Christmas, so that's taken care of."
She grinned. "Then we just need a tree. Unless you have one in your place already?"
"It's a rental. I haven't bothered to decorate it."
She shifted in her seat to face me. "Can we get a tree? Oh, and then we'll need ornaments. Do you know a good place?"
I thought of Clara's shop. "Yeah, I know a place."
She clasped her hands together. "This is going to be perfect."
"I don't know about that." I'd do my best to fumble through the semblance of a holiday for my sister and hope that the Harts made up for my lack of skills.
We dropped her suitcases off at the cabin and then drove to a nearby Christmas tree farm that still had trees to purchase. When we arrived, we parked by a large red barn that had a precut lot next to it. I walked toward the lot when Gina stopped me with her hand on my wrist.
"I thought we could cut down a tree."
"We should probably keep things as simple as possible for now." I pointed at the small lot. "These trees are cut and ready to go home."
She shook her head. "I want the full experience."
I sighed and headed toward the small building where people were getting hand saws. "Next time you want the full experience, maybe give me a heads-up."
Gina laughed. "What would be the fun in that?"
"I think you enjoy torturing me," I mumbled, wondering how she'd talked me into this.
She looped her hand through my elbow as we walked, smiling up at me. "This is going to be fun."
"I liked it better when you had a boyfriend to focus on."
She laughed again as if she found me amusing. "You hate that I lived with someone."
"You're too young and look what happened. You break up, and for some reason, you're the one looking for a new place."
"It's his apartment."
"I don't like it."
She patted my arm. "But you're not going to talk to him about it because he's not worth it."
I grunted.
"Right, Beck?"
"Sure." If I ever found out his name and address, I probably would visit him and let him know how you treat a woman. You don't kick her out a few days before Christmas.
She squeezed my arm when we reached the building. "You're good people."
That was definitely debatable. Clara certainly wouldn't agree with her. What kind of guy ran at the first sign that someone needed them?
I handed the kid my license in exchange for the saw.
Gina grabbed the map. "Let's check this field out."
I moved in the direction she pointed. "This is your show. I'm just along for the ride."
I felt good that I was the one who'd cheered her up. She'd been almost subdued when I picked her up. Now she was thinking about her ex less and more about me. My chest warmed at the idea that I'd come through for her. I wasn't always the guy who ran.
But what about Clara? The Harts? Was I walking out on them?
The idea made me uncomfortable. I usually made it seem like it was normal and expected for me to move from project to project. But I also set it up so that I wouldn't get close to anyone. Because proximity meant holiday invites I'd have to turn down. Expectations I'd have to fail to meet.
Gina led the way through the field, going down one aisle of tree after another. There seemed to be something wrong with each one.
We stood in front of a perfectly good tree.
She tipped her head to the side. "This isn't the one. It's leaning."
I examined it again. "Looks straight to me."
She tipped her head to the other side, her forehead wrinkled in concentration. "It definitely tilts."
"We're going to be here all day," I said as she moved on to another one, humming a holiday tune.
I took a picture of the tree farm and sent it to Clara in a moment of weakness. I wasn't sure why I did, other than wanting to share this with her. I thought she'd find it funny that my sister dragged me tree shopping.
But she didn't answer right away, so I tucked my phone away. She was probably busy. We'd stop by later for decorations, and hopefully, I'd get a chance to see her. I wasn't sure what I wanted to accomplish. But I know I didn't like how I'd left things with her.
I wasn't proud of what I'd said, something about how she should have known I was leaving. I'd hurt her.
Finally, Gina declared, "It's this one."
It looked exactly like the others. "You know this is supposed to be my tree. Shouldn't I get to pick it out?
She placed her hands on her hips. "I was the one who insisted on a tree. If it were up to you, there wouldn't be any Christmas cheer in your cabin."
She had me there. "You want me to cut this one down?"
She smiled triumphantly. "Yes, please."
I'd never cut a tree down before, but I figured it couldn't be hard to saw through a tree trunk. I got down on the ground, and she stepped close to hold onto it. I found a good spot and began to saw through the bark. When it tipped to the side, Gina cheered. "We did it."
I finished sawing through the trunk and hopped up to help her hold it upright. There was something funny going on in my chest. I felt warm and tingly all over. Was it being here with my sister and the other families who were experiencing the holiday season?
Her cheeks were flush from the cold. "It was fun."
"I have to agree."
Her eyes widened slightly, and then she smiled.
We dragged the tree over to a cart, and I rested it carefully on the metal. Then I pushed the cart down the hill. Families and couples milled around the hillside hunting for their own tree, and kids ran through the aisles in a game of tag with parents yelling for them to be careful.
It was a fun experience, but I wished Clara was here with us. That I didn't have to send her a picture because she was at my side. Did that mean I didn't want to leave her? That I should stay?
I had a feeling that erasing Clara from my brain wouldn't be as easy as I thought.
I never wanted to share my life with anyone. I kept my personal life separate from my business one. It was barely worth mentioning, much less adding someone to it.
At the barn, Gina insisted on going inside to shop and to grab hot chocolates. I paid for the tree and helped the kids secure it to my rental vehicle. Hopefully, it wouldn't scratch the paint. I couldn't believe I was staying in Colorado for Christmas and putting up a tree.
Gina came out a few minutes later, holding a wreath with a red velvet bow and two hot chocolates.
I rushed to grab the wreath. "Is this necessary?"
She grinned. "It sure is."
I put it in the trunk and took the to-go cup from her. "Where to next?"
"Can we get decorations before we head home?" she asked as I opened the door for her.
"Sure." My stomach tightened because Clara might be at the store, and it was possible that she didn't want to see me.
We drove into Christmas Town, and Gina sighed. "This place is amazing. Is it really decorated for Christmas year-round?"
"That's what I've heard."
I parked in a lot, unable to get close to the main street. We walked toward the town square where her shop was located. I threw the empty cup in the garbage before I held the door open for Gina.
"This place is amazing," she said as we walked in.
Clara was talking to a customer, so we moved farther into the store. I let Gina lead the way. She perused the various themed decorations, finally settling on a classic version. "I like these. What do you think?"
"It's whatever you want. This is your thing." My brain was too preoccupied with what Clara would think of us being here.
"Beck? What are you doing here?" Clara asked.
I looked up to find her standing next to me. "My sister's in town, and she wanted to put up a tree."
Clara's brow furrowed. "Your sister is here?"
I could understand her confusion. I'd repeatedly said I wasn't close to my siblings. "Gina, this is Clara Hart, Malcolm's sister."
Gina grinned, holding out her hand, completely unaware of who Clara really was to me. "It's so nice to meet you."
"This is Clara's shop," I added.
"I love this place. It's so magical." Gina smiled at Clara.
Clara smiled in return. "Thank you. Let me know if I can help you find anything."
"Gina wants the full holiday experience, and since I'm living in a rental, we need everything," I said, feeling like I was babbling.
Clara arched a brow. "I didn't realize you were in town for the holidays."
"Gina called and said she was visiting. So my plans changed."
"Ah," was all she said.
Was she still upset with me? Did this change anything? Would she want to see me again? Probably not because she wanted to be more than a secret fling I kept hidden from the world.
"I'll take one of everything on this tree," Gina said to Clara.
I rubbed my neck. "What are we going to do with them after the holidays?"
"You can pack them up and keep them," Clara said, like it was obvious.
"You know I travel all the time. I don't have a house."
"Maybe it's time you changed that," Gina said as she started picking up the ornaments and putting them in a box with square compartments for each one.
"You can fill the box with what you'd like and then someone will ring you up," Clara said politely before she began to move away from us.
I followed her, my heart beating hard. "Wait."
We were a few feet away from Gina now. "I didn't know my sister was coming."
Clara shook her head. "I don't need any explanation. We aren't anything."
She didn't think we were anything, or she didn't want us to be anything? I was so mixed up in my head. All I knew was that I didn't like this tension between us.
I had a feeling that I'd screwed everything up, and I was never going to be able to walk away from Clara.