Chapter 5 Father-Son Confessional
FATHER-SON CONFESSIONAL
LUCAS
“How are you feeling, Ez?”
His son was halfway down the stairs, dressed in a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt, with his hair sticking up in every direction, rubbing his eyes as he yawned and stretched.
“Morning, Dad. Okay, I guess. Little sore,” he admitted as he gently stretched his back out.
Lucas stood on the far side of the island, one hand leaning on the countertop, the other holding his coffee cup. “Want something to eat?”
“Just a bagel.”
“One bagel, coming up.” He set down his cup, sliced the bread, then popped it into the toaster.
As Ezra sat on the stool on the other side of the island, Lucas pulled orange juice and cream cheese out of the refrigerator.
When the bagel popped up, he plated it, grabbed a knife out of the utensil drawer, and slid it in front of the boy.
He let him eat several bites as he sipped his coffee, then decided it was time to broach the subject.
“So. Want to tell me what happened last night?”
Ezra finished chewing, then took a sip of his juice. “We weren’t drinking.”
"Good to know, although I gathered that since they didn't issue any tickets. There were seven people in that car last night.”
“Yeah.” Ezra sighed. “We ran into the girls just before the rain started. When they finally got ahold of their friends they came with, they were already home and claimed they weren’t coming back out in that crap.
We hung out under one of the coaster queues for a while, but it didn’t seem like it was going to let up, so we made a dash for it to the car, and Ryker offered them a ride home.
It didn’t feel right to leave them there. ”
“How did the accident happen?”
“We were all singing along with the music, and I think Ryker was driving too fast in the rain. It felt like the car was skidding, and then there was a crashing sound. I flew forward in my seat, but luckily, I had my seat belt on and didn’t hit the seat in front of me.”
“Why didn’t you call me? I would have come and gotten you and taken some of you home.”
“I didn’t want to bother you or interrupt anything. I knew you were with Jess.”
Lucas set his coffee cup on the island and leaned on the edge, his elbows locked. “Ezra. Look at me.”
Brown eyes filled with remorse looked up at him. It was uncanny how much they looked alike. Selfishly, it pleased him that when he looked at his son, he saw a mirror image of himself rather than the boy’s mother.
“First off, I will always come for you. I don’t care if it’s raining, snowing, or you’re in another state. I don’t even care if it’s not an emergency. I will always come for you.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. Second, you will never bother me, and tough shit if you interrupt something. You come first, Ezra. Always. It’s part of being a dad.”
Ezra nodded. “Yes, sir.”
“Third. No more getting into cars when there aren’t enough seat belts to go around. Ever. You got me?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m glad we understand each other.”
There was a pause as Lucas picked up his coffee cup and went to top it off. He had a feeling he was going to need extra fuel for the next part of this conversation.
His son watched him, waiting. When it was clear Lucas would say nothing else about the accident, his son seemed nonplussed. “That’s it?”
“Yup.”
“I’m not grounded?”
“Do you think you should be?”
“Well… no. I mean, it was an accident. Ryker didn’t mean to hit anyone, and we certainly didn’t want to either.” He stopped, an odd look on his face.
“But?” Lucas asked.
“I just figured you would ground me from riding in the car with Ryker anymore or something.”
“Ezra, you’re eighteen in a few months. You’ll be going to college next fall. You’re a little old for me to be grounding you, don’t you think?”
“I guess.”
“I thought it was an accident. You look like you’re feeling guilty. Do you want me to ground you?”
“No!”
“So what’s the problem?”
Ezra sighed, running his hand through his hair, once again looking like a mirror image of him when he made the same gesture.
“I just… I feel like I should do something. I mean, I wasn’t driving, but I was there.
And Ryker really could have hurt those people.
And us. Kennedy was hurt badly. The rest of us were lucky. ”
“You were lucky.” He eyed his son over the cup’s rim. “Is there something you could do that would make you feel better? Less guilty, even though technically it wasn’t your fault?”
The boy sat for a moment, playing with the knife he’d used to spread the cream cheese on his bagel.
“I feel like I should check on Kennedy and Oscar today. Maybe take them lunch or something?” His mouth twisted.
“Probably Ryker, too, although I still think he was faking his injury for attention,” he grumbled.
“I think that would be a wonderful gesture. Shows you care about them and are concerned for their welfare.”
“Well, I know Ryker won’t do it, even though the accident was likely all his fault, so I feel like I should step up.”
He hid his smile behind the cup raised to his mouth.
Ezra was a good kid, and it amazed him that he had done such a good job raising him.
Part of it was probably just the kid’s nature, but he’d be stupid not to realize that most of it was parenting.
There were many nights he’d lain awake, worried about the lack of a mother's presence in the child’s life.
Wondering how badly he was fucking up trying to do the single-parent thing.
As time went by, he realized he’d done pretty damn good as a father, and this was one of those times.
Sometimes, letting kids think about it and figure things out for themselves was a far better route than punishing them. They were often harder on themselves than any parent could be.
"Can I ask you something?”
Lucas nodded. “Of course. You can ask me anything.”
Ezra finished chewing and took a long drink of his juice before answering.
“It’s about Jess. Sort of.” He refused to look him in the eye.
Instead, he dabbed at the bagel crumbs on his plate with his finger, then licked it clean.
“You didn’t date in all the years I was growing up until you met her.
That’s a long time, and well… you told me that the two of you agreed you were better off as friends, but the two of you spend a lot of time together.
Way more than any other two people who used to date each other.
A lot of people think maybe you’re dating in secret.
Trying it out again. Or that you never really stopped. ”
“I would never lie to you about anything, Ezra. Jess and I are not dating. We are friends, nothing more.”
His son nodded, an expression on his face that looked like he was trying something on, and it was a touch too tight, causing his features to pinch at their edges. “Do you think you’ll ever date again? Like… maybe even get married?”
He came around to the side of the island his son was sitting on and pulled out the end barstool. After he sat down, he gazed intently at the seventeen-year-old, confused as hell. “Where is this question coming from?”
“Well, I’m leaving for college next fall…” He trailed off, obviously at a loss for how to continue.
Ah. So that was it. “You’re worried I’m going to be lonely.”
Ezra shrugged. “I guess.”
“And your solution to that problem is I should start dating?”
“Maybe?”
“I have friends, like Jess. I’ll be fine.”
“Friends aren’t the same as women, Dad.”
Lucas raised an eyebrow, and now he did smile. “Oh, really? Tell me, oh wise and experienced one, just how are they different?”
Ezra rolled his eyes. “Well… there’s no touching, to start with.”
Oh, this just got better and better. “You want me to start touching people?”
His son ignored the sarcasm. “Friends are fine to hang out with, but it’s not the same as a relationship.
Hanging out with Jess would be like…” He struggled for a comparison.
“It would be like when Kennedy or Gemma comes over to study. Or like when Oscar or Judah comes to watch a game. We sit, we joke, we talk, we eat, but it’s not…
personal. There’s no one-on-one connection. ”
When did his son grow up so much? Logically, he knew the boy was almost an adult himself, but often he said things so thoughtful, so sincere, and so mature that he seemed like a much older man than his years.
“It’s just a different kind of connection, son.” He’d never really talked about his relationship with his ex-wife, Tonja, to anyone, least of all Ezra. Maybe that had been a mistake. “You can be dating someone, or even be married and living with someone—like your mom and I did—and still be lonely.”
“Is that why you got divorced?”
Wow. This was so not where he thought this morning’s conversation was going to go.
“Your mother…” This was tricky. He’d always tried to watch what he said about Tonja to Ezra.
He didn’t want to color his relationship with her based on his inadequacies.
Not that mother and son had a relationship, really, but in case they ever did realign, he didn’t want his son to have preconceived ideas.
“Yes, I guess you could say she was lonely. I have a tendency to focus hard on things, sometimes to the exclusion of all else, and to her it seemed I was always more focused on work than on her.”
“But I never felt lonely. You always had time for me.”
Yeah, no way was he going to tell his son that his mother was jealous because Ezra and work always came before her.
“Yes, I always made sure I had time for you. You were the most important thing in our lives. Still are. So when you were young, yes, I could have dated. Babysitters certainly existed and all that, but to be honest, I was happy with it being just the two of us. I never felt the urge to date.”
“Never?”