Chapter 38
Kane
“Bethan is a beloved member of the family here. We’ve done everything we can to alleviate her symptoms during this most recent advancement of her condition.”
The small office shrank around me, and I forced my breathing to calm and my attention to stay on the care home manager. Not on the closed doors. Not the condemning of my mother.
As meek as a lamb, Blair listened to the summary on Ma’s health, her hands folded in her lap. “It’s been such a shock with how sick she’s become. Ye know what would happen if we moved her.”
My mother had reached a critical stage in her condition. Her swallowing. Her pain. She would struggle to fight off any other kind of illness, the sort of minor infection that could take hold under change or stress.
Blair had accused me of trying to kill her. My failure could prove her right.
Worthless. A burden. Only make things worse.
Her words haunted me. Broke me. She always had the same allegations to throw. Worse, she was right. My existence alone hurt my mother. My aunt was only too eager to tell me how, after every visit, she’d be sicker for it.
I hated myself for that.
Loathed my existence to the bone.
I hadn’t been able to restore the Marchant family money, and the bills were racking up. Despite that failure, I wouldn’t let the care home change a single thing about my mother’s care.
Whatever it took, I’d keep her here.
The manager shook her head. “We’ve already discussed how a well-planned transition would be the best solution in light of the change in long-term funding for Ms Ryan. I’ll talk you through the arrangements.”
I raised a hand. “She won’t be moving.”
The manager formed a patient smile. “Mr Ryan, I understand your concern, but the policy of the trust lays out the guidelines I have no choice but to follow if a patient is unable to pay. While your mother’s accounts have been stable since she first joined us, it is apparent her circumstances have changed, with some permanence.
We have to do what’s right for the patient with the budget available to them. ”
“Ye can’t wait even a few weeks? At most, a month, then I’ll have the money.”
“I’m so sorry. We’ve already had a payment plan in place for twice that amount of time, and there has been no reply regarding the source of funding.”
She meant from the solicitors Mila and I had met with. Fuck all things Marchant.
“Without the immediate clearance of the outstanding fees, we have no choice but to move to the alternative provision. Believe me, none of us want that.”
She rattled off the details.
Sweat broke out on my brow. They wanted to move Ma to a council-run palliative care home. No doubt the staff cared and worked hard, but they were three times fewer than here.
It would end her.
Not on my watch. I had a choice, and no matter if it was a shite one, I could take it.
“If I can get the money today, will that change your mind?”
She blinked at me. “It would.”
“I’ll make a call.”
The manager gestured for me to go into an adjacent conference room. I dialled Primrose.
“I’ll take your offer if you can pay a bill today.”
“Wise child. Send it over and it will be handled immediately.” She gave an email address for a solicitor.
My fucking hand shook where I typed it into my phone, an awful feeling opening up inside me. I went to hang up, but Primrose said my name.
“And Kane? Stop by again, will you? It seems you and I are on the same page. How wonderful to have that with a grandchild again.”
Numb, I killed the call. Back in the office, I passed on the details with a promise of the account being settled, then turned my back on Blair and left.
My aunt chased me to the reception. Two nurses at the desk left for a patient’s room. Beyond the doors, Lovelyn walked the line of the garden, sunlight in her hair. I hated that she’d heard the argument. I held back so Blair wouldn’t follow me outside.
As expected, her poisonous words spewed. “Where did ye get the money? More Marchant dealings? Your family makes me sick, just like it did your mother. Don’t bother going back to her room. It’ll only upset her.”
I didn’t answer back. I never had.
She passed me, practically half my size, and eyed Lovelyn through the glass. “That girl doesn’t know what she’s got herself into with ye, does she? Your poor mother was sweet just like her, going on dates with your father, all smiles and innocence until he ripped that away from her.”
She meant Ma’s pregnancy with me.
In a rush, I was back to the eighteen-year-old version of me who’d convinced doctors that I should never have kids.
Blair’s accusations had eaten into my brain through childhood.
How children were a noose around a woman’s neck, and how I should never become a father.
I didn’t want to risk becoming a burden to them, or passing on faulty genes.
I’d told Lovelyn of the measures I’d taken, the vasectomy, but not the reason. She hadn’t asked either.
She’d want children, I was certain. She already had the home for it. The family-ready rooms with all the happy history in the pictures and décor. She’d want a boyfriend who could sit through a meeting without drowning.
Blair’s eyes darkened. “I pray that girl realises what ye are before you knock her up and ruin her life, too. You’re just like him. Bad from the moment he forced himself onto your mother. Bad to the bone.”
She gave me one last derisive look and left.
Stunned, I wheeled around. New sickness wound through me.
The new charge she’d levelled filtered through. That Able had forced himself on my mother. That made me the product of rape. She’d never told me.
Panic crawled up my throat.
Breaking away, I burst from the entrance, taking deep breaths in the clean air.
Lovelyn joined me in the car park, her eyes crinkling at the sides in her concern. “Are you okay?”
I braced my hands behind my neck. “I shouldn’t have brought ye here.”
Sadness held in her eyes. “I’m glad you did. I loved meeting your mother. But everything your aunt said was horrible.”
She didn’t know. She didn’t understand.
At my lack of an answer, Lovelyn indicated to the building. “What happened in the meeting? Did it buy you time?”
I couldn’t breathe.
I shook my head instead.
Her eyes lined with tears. “Then you took your grandmother’s deal.”
My nod was slow but sure.
She took a shaky breath. “If it helps, I’d have done the same.
I would’ve done anything to make my mother more comfortable.
It shows how much you love her.” She stared at me as if she could see something that wasn’t there.
A better man than existed. “I told her how kind you are to me. How gentlemanly. The good things you’ve done. ”
“It was a waste of your breath.”
She recoiled.
I hated myself more, yet I couldn’t stop the summing up of all my failings.
I’d hunted her. Pushed her limits. Other facts were just as clear. Last night, I’d taken her on a date. The first of my life. And the last. I already knew I couldn’t be what Lovelyn wanted. I had nothing to offer her. I had no emotional resilience, and she was all the emotions.
Blair knew it. Even Mila had seen it from the start. The memory tore a wound into my chest. She’d told Lovelyn she didn’t know how she could put up with me. Why hadn’t I listened?
Everyone else could see what I hadn’t.
I’d fallen in love with my flower girl. I’d written it on her skin in the dead of night. But hell was I bringing her down with me.
I let the cold I was all too familiar with filter back through my veins, pushing away the warmth that had been Lovelyn’s gift.
“I told ye I couldn’t be a boyfriend. You tried to train me up, but that was always going to fail.”
“No,” she started.
“I’m not a project for you to waste time on. I can’t be a crutch to hold up your emotions. I don’t have the capacity, and ye put all that on me instead of friends who’d give a shit. I’m not what you need.”
Her mouth opened, hurt tightening her features. “I never… I mean, I didn’t try…”
It was killing me, but I had to end this before I caused her any more pain. “Whatever you think this is, it’s over. Do ye understand?”
Another tear streaked down her perfect cheek. “I know you’re hurting.”
“I’m deadly serious.”
“What happened to the man who last night held me so close it felt like we’d become one? What happened to I want it all?”
“It was just sex.”
Lovelyn’s features crumpled. The pang of her emotions rippled through me, catching my gut, slicing into my heart, but I kept my face stony.
Who was I kidding that the pocket of happiness I’d found myself in Deadwater could ever continue? Mila wanted the company to persist, and she’d hate me for voting against her as I now had to do. I’d sold my sister out for a few weeks’ grace, and I’d take what was coming to me for the act.
If I’d painted a target on myself, I alone would be at risk.
My deal had cost me my relationship with my sister.
My existence had cost me Lovelyn.
Without meeting my eye, Lovelyn gave a curt nod. “Don’t use me to punish yourself, Kane. Neither of us deserve it. Please stop this.”
I couldn’t. It was the right thing to do. “There is no ‘us’. There never was. Only a deal which is finished.”
She flinched and took a backwards step. Away from me. Out of my life. “There’s a train station in town. I’ll find my own way home. Goodbye.”
She turned and walked away.
I was doing the right thing. I was doing. The. Right. Thing.
I trailed her to the station and watched until she got on a train, her shoulders back and her head held high.
I broke the things I was close to.
I wouldn’t break her.
Yet when the engine pulled away, it was me who shattered. No one looking at me would know, but I cracked apart, pieces of me splintering into dust. An ache gripping my chest that would never ease.
I didn’t want it to.
I deserved this pain. I deserved to hurt like I’d hurt everyone else. Lovelyn would get over me, but I’d burn in Hell for her for the rest of my life.
When I’d calmed enough to form words, I called Arran. “Lovelyn will be back in Deadwater in a couple of hours. She needs someone to watch her from the train station until she gets home, then a guard overnight.”
He gave curt agreement, and I hung up without waiting for the inevitable questions. At least my time with the crew could be used for good. They would protect Lovelyn even after they found out she wasn’t mine. Not that she ever really had been.
I paged over to my tracker app and deactivated the one I’d put in her car.
On the app for the cameras at Lovelyn’s house, I hovered my thumb over the button to remove my access. Pressure crushed me from all sides. To never see her again, to never hear her voice…
I tapped. Done. Another swift stab of pain but necessary.
I’d need to return to Deadwater to quit my job and collect my things from the room I’d used in the warehouse. Tyler would be pissed off. I’d carry that regret then offer my services to Primrose Marchant. After all, she’d paid for them.
When she was done with me, I’d take myself off elsewhere. Back to the mercenary life where I only hurt people I was paid to.
I’d done enough damage here.