Chapter 39
Lovelyn
Grey industrial estates flew by, rain spattering the train window. I barely saw it, numb to my surroundings and to the scattering of people in my carriage, everyone lost in their phones.
A whole year had passed since my mother left me. Then on day one of the next, I’d been broken all over again.
At least I hadn’t let myself love him. My one-more-day rule had paid off. The refrain repeated with the rattle of the train on the tracks.
My phone rang, and I jumped and fumbled to collect it from my bag. I didn’t want to answer, but it was the predator hotline, and I never let a call to that ring out if I could avoid it.
Popping in an earphone, I set my laptop on the train’s table while I answered.
“I have this new boyfriend. I hear you can help if they’re acting weird.”
The woman gave details, and I opened the system where I could check for criminal records.
My login failed.
Furrowing my brow, I tried again, typing over the details I was sure were correct.
The same thing happened. Was the system down?
“I’m probably overthinking it, but we’ve only been seeing each other a couple of months, and he doesn’t have kids of his own. I don’t get why he’d want to take my daughter for a sleepover.”
I tried another system. Same thing.
It was my father’s log on, and this time a jaunty message reminded me that my password had changed. Oh God.
“He said he’d take her to his sister’s because she has children, and they’d have fun with a movie night and popcorn, but he never mentioned this sister before, and he was hazy over where she lived.
My kid’s non-verbal. She…she wouldn’t be able to tell me if anything happened. I want to trust him but…”
Concern overrode my numb state. “I understand. It’s suspicious. You did the right thing in calling me. I’m looking him up now.”
I had a backup, highly illegal, and not updated in a while, but one I’d thought necessary in case of an event like this.
Opening it, I typed in the name then breathed a sigh of relief when it gave me a result.
Whatever else was going on, at least I could help this woman.
My heart hurt for her and her daughter at what I found.
“He has a history of exactly what you’re worried about.”
I quietly spoke the details with a glance around to make sure no one could overhear. The woman sobbed but thanked me and hung up.
Left in silence, I fired off the details to Shade, who handled the would-be attackers, then stared at my machine.
A message landed on my phone, chiming in my earpiece.
Lyle: I heard that your father sacked you.
I hope you know it was nothing to do with me or with us breaking up.
I just wanted to reach out and offer comfort so you aren’t getting it from the wrong type of people.
If you come for dinner at my place, I’ll see what I can do to persuade him to reverse his decision.
Sacked? Slowly, puzzle pieces joined together in my head.
I called my father. He picked up after several rings.
“Why can’t I access any systems?”
Julian made a sound of irritation. “Don’t give me shite for something I had to do. You’re fucking around with a gangster. Drawing heat.”
“I’m not.” At least that was true. Kane had seen to that.
“Lyle said—”
“Lyle made you fire me?” It wasn’t a coincidence that he knew. He’d done this.
My father’s tone tightened. “This is all on you. You know how to play the game. When I walk into the skeleton crew’s headquarters, it’s with handcuffs and a warrant. Cash goes under the table. Not in your bra strap while your skirt’s raised. Leave that for the hookers.”
My mouth fell open. “I’m not sleeping with anyone for money.”
“Fucking Christ. Don’t tell me it’s for love that you helped them bust that piece of shit from my safehouse.”
Mortification shrank me further. He’d known I’d helped free Convict and he’d waited for a moment to hold it against me.
But damn him for being a hypocrite. “Don’t play the puritan with me.
When we met, you made it more than clear that the rules you’re paid to uphold are for other people.
You enforce the law on your own terms and you line your pockets on the way.
Don’t be surprised when your daughter shares that trait. What has Lyle got on you?”
His voice tightened. “Nothing. But if you want to help, bring him to heel.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Little shit wants to own the empire. My own rising star, yet the upstart doesn’t know his place. Be a good daughter and help me with that problem and you can have your job back.”
He hung up. Cold crept over me.
I’d been too public with Kane, and it had cost me. Whatever Lyle was gunning for, he wanted me as part of it, and he’d baited a trap for me to walk right into.
Yesterday, I’d had everything. The man, the job, security for my home. If I couldn’t pay the mortgage, I’d lose it. Another realisation hit in cold shock. I’d had friendship as well. But what did I have to offer the skeleton girls now?
Nothing.
I travelled on, cold to the bone.
At home, I locked the doors and sat on my bed in perfect silence. Kane had stripped the sheets and blankets, all evidence of our night gone. Except the room smelled of him. I couldn’t sleep here.
Jumping up, I knocked Dixie’s little elephant on my bedside table.
It fell and hit the floor, cracking into pieces.
My heartbreak swelled. I’d failed her as well.
I’d set out to find her and had fallen short at every stage.
I’d got mixed up in the Marchant family mystery, but why? It wasn’t my family.
I lurched down the hall to my mother’s room. In a year, the most I’d done was vacuum the carpet and wipe away the dust. Her clothes still hung in the cupboard. Her makeup and jewellery sat in pots on her dresser.
I missed her so much, yet this time, when I needed her most, I couldn’t even find the words to tell her what had happened.
I’d lost everything, and I’d never felt as alone as I did right now.
Tears threatened, the emotion finally rising to the surface of my numb state. I had one last thing to do. A final message I needed to send. Only then would I allow myself to collapse. I typed it out, hit send, then buried my head in Mum’s pillows and sobbed.
Kane,
I shouldn’t want you. From the start, you treated me like a means to an end, not a person, and I lied to myself that you could change. You used me to get what you needed, and this morning, when I stood there heartbroken in front of you, all you could do was retreat into that same empty place.
I ache for what you’ve been through. I know you’re not the source of your pain. But I can’t fix it for you. You never let me in, and that hurts more than I know how to say.
I don’t regret talking to your mum about you. She loves you. I saw it in her eyes when I said your name. I lost my own mother, so I know how deeply yours should know your heart. She’d hate that you’re suffering like this.
I hate it, too. More than I should.
You felt what was between us, and you still tore it apart. And I hate that I care so much. I hate that I let you have that power over me. But even in all of this, you made me see what I want.
You showed me, for the briefest, most beautiful moment, what a joy it was to be possessed.
Chosen. Seen. For someone to want me so badly that they were willing to go to the ends of the earth for me.
To change everything to have me, and be proud of us.
Who wouldn’t be afraid to publicly be at my side.
You, Kane Ryan, managed the first part. You fell for me, then bricked up every trace of it behind a wall I could never climb. The rest was a challenge too far.
Congratulations on destroying me so perfectly.
I hope you never feel as alone as you’ve made me.
Lovelyn