Chapter 15
CHAPTER 15
“I HAVE TO DO IT NOW?” Paolo says loudly into the phone, making me pull it away from my ear. It’s Monday morning, and I’m taking a quick coffee break in one of the empty conference rooms. “You said it was going to take a couple of training sessions before I was ready. I can’t do it today,” he says.
“Tomorrow night, not today. That gives us more than twenty-four hours,” I say. “I’m sorry. It’s just, I messed up and Aaron’s getting more suspicious now.”
Late Sunday night, after still floating on a high from a wonderful day of drag with Paolo, I received a text from Aaron. And not the kind I’d been hoping for. It was a picture.
Of my liquid eyeliner.
Is this yours? he texted. I found it at my place.
I stared at my phone for an eternity before figuring out how I could respond.
Nope. Regina might have stuck it in my jacket and it fell out at your place? She’s always leaving me little gifts everywhere, that silly prankster. But it’s for sure not mine. I def do not put on makeup.
After shooting off my response, the three horrible, haunting text dots hovered, blinking on and off for an eternity until, finally, they were replaced by OK .
I sat there, a hundred follow-up excuses flooding my brain when Aaron then texted, You free for dinner tomorrow night? My running friends got us a 6:30 pm reservation at Comal in Berkeley. I’m getting off work early. They want to meet you. It’ll be a double-date kind of deal.
Yes! I texted back immediately. But that was all. I didn’t know what else to say.
All I knew was it was time to implement the Regina doppelg?nger plan. Right now.
“I’m having dinner with Aaron and his friends tomorrow night, Paolo. And if we don’t get rid of his suspicions before then, it’s going to be the worst dinner of my life.”
“I can’t pull it off yet, Rex,” Paolo says.
“You can. I promise. I’ll get you prepared, and I’ll coach you, and—aieee!!” I see Kat’s face pressed against the window of the conference room door and stretched out to comical proportions.
Paolo laughs on the other end. “What the heck was that?”
Kat slips into the conference room. I set my phone on the table and put Paolo on speaker. “Kat scared the crap out of me.”
“You have the most adorable shriek, Rex,” she says as she sits down next to me. “Who’re you talking to?”
“It’s Paolo,” he says from the phone. “Rex says I have to be Regina Moon Dee tomorrow.”
“Already?” Kat asks.
“He’s ready,” I say. “Paolo, you’ve got the walk down. And I’ll get you into the clothes and makeup. You’re going to look exactly like me. All you have to do is sell it.”
“I’m not sure,” he says.
“You can do it,” I say. ”I know you can fully inhabit me.”
Kat gives me a weird look.
What? I mouth.
Fully inhabit you? she mouths back, trying not to laugh.
“Well, if you put it that way, I’m down,” Paolo says.
“Perfect,” I say, smiling to myself. “What times are you working tonight and tomorrow?”
“I’m working until late tonight, but I don’t have to work tomorrow,” he responds.
“Oof. Okay. Tomorrow will have to do. The legal team will be out of the office all day for a continuing education seminar, so I can leave work early. Be at my place by two o’clock. That should give us enough time to get you prepped and ready. Aaron will be bartending tomorrow night. I’ll arrive around five. You’ll come in, say you’re on your way to a gig and are just passing by to pick up your eyeliner from me. It’ll take five minutes. Sound good?”
“Ooh, ooh,” Kat says, bouncing up and down on her seat, “can I come?”
“Sure, why not,” I say.
“I’ll help you, Rex,” Paolo says. “But only if you can answer me this—who are you really doing this for? Rex or Regina?”
“What does that even mean?” I ask.
“I get that Aaron finding out about your true identity jeopardizes things. But what, or who, are you really trying to protect?”
I don’t say anything.
“What are you really afraid of?” Paolo asks.
I still don’t respond.
Paolo says, “Just think about it. See you tomorrow at two,” and hangs up.
Kat sniffs. “I think I know what he means. Do you?”
No, I really don’t. Aaron has made it clear to me that, while drag is good for the Pink Unicorn, it’s not good for him. Ergo, the need to remain separate. Rex for him, Regina for the bar. That’s all there is to it.
That’s what I keep telling myself, at least.
BY THE TIME PAOLO arrives at my place the next day at two o’clock, I’ve already set everything up. The makeup is laid out on my desk, the wig is washed, dried, and styled, the ballerina outfit with its tutu fully fluffed hangs in my closet, and the shoes are unstrapped and ready to be slipped onto Paolo’s feet.
He’s quiet. I am, too. The silence isn’t exactly uncomfortable, though. We’re concentrating on the task at hand and know that it’s going to require both our full attentions to pull this feat off. This is all still so new for Paolo, and I don’t have my mother or drag mother or even Eva, who’s at a new internship right now, to help me make sure everything is correct.
We get down to business.
To be honest, I’m thankful for the stress the ticking clock has put on me. Being singularly focused on turning Paolo into Regina Moon Dee means I can concentrate more on her and less on him. Because if I’m allowed even a second to think about Paolo, I’ll never get this done. Being this close to him, being so attuned to his face and his body, it’s almost too much. It makes me question everything I’m doing.
Why am I doing this?
Who am I doing this for?
I don’t want Aaron to know I’m a drag queen. I know that. But is it because I know he’d never date me if he knew? Or is it because I’m afraid of his reaction? Would he be upset that I’ve fooled him? Furious, even?
A familiar pain rustles in the pit of my stomach. What am I afraid of?
After about two and a half hours of careful preparation, Regina Moon Dee stands before me in fully realized form.
Paolo looks at himself in the mirror. He’s serene, poised, as if he’s spent all that time in the chair gathering himself, working on transforming the inner parts of himself while I worked on the exterior. He truly does seem like Regina to me.
I have him practice walking around the room in the shoes while I go over the game plan.
“You don’t need to say too much,” I say as he walks. “ Hello, I’m here to get my makeup back. Goodbye. Got it?”
“Got it.” With every step, he becomes Regina Moon Dee more and more.
“And pitch your voice up a bit when you talk,” I remind him. “Channel your inner queen as much as possible.” I look at my watch. “We should leave in about twenty minutes. You can relax your feet until then.”
Paolo nods, clearly relieved to be able to rest for a while. He attempts to sit down on my bed but is unsure of how to handle the tutu. He pushes it aside, and then he tries to spread it out from his backside, reaching around to pull it forward. Finally, he just pulls the whole thing up and around his body. He smiles triumphantly at me.
I laugh.
“What?” he asks.
“You look like a big, gay daisy.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“I owe you more than just a compliment for doing this.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Rex. I’m happy to help. But you do owe yourself something.” Paolo leans forward, the tutu fanning around him. “An answer to the question I asked you last night. Do you have one yet?”
My forehead begins to throb. “Actually, let’s head out now. There’s always a little more traffic around this time of day.”
Paolo frowns, and his flower tutu seems to wilt.
I help him off my bed, and we head off to the Pink Unicorn.
We both park our cars around the corner in a more secluded part of the neighborhood where Paolo can sit and wait safely for a while. When I get inside the bar, Kat is already there chatting it up with Aaron while he stocks more liquor on the shelves. Bryan is, as usual, snacking and watching TV. This time, it’s pretzels and reruns of Cheers , which feels appropriately meta. He acknowledges me with a smile and goes right back to his show.
I lean up against the bar to give Aaron a hug. He smells salty and peaty, like he’s been eating Bryan’s pretzels while sampling some of the scotch he’s been putting away.
“You’re just in time,” Aaron says. “Kat was just about to pitch me some ideas for more themed nights.”
“Oh, yeah?” I ask, sitting on the stool next to Kat. ”Like what?”
“You remember my ex, Sal?”
“The poet?”
“Yes, which was literally the only good thing about him. Well, that and his adorable pudgy python.”
“Is that a euphemism?” I ask. “Anyway, please continue.”
“He’s got lots of friends who are always looking for a place to do their poetry slams, and the stage here would be perfect.”
Aaron starts mixing up some drinks for us. Something with Aperol and fresh oranges. “Not a bad idea,” he says. “But speaking of stages, why not have your band come play?”
“Are you guys actually getting back together again?” I ask.
Kat crinkles her nose. “Kind of? I was just telling Aaron we’ve been having more jam sessions together. Been coming up with some new material.”
“It’d be great for the bar, Kat,” Aaron says, carefully cutting an orange peel for her drink. “We haven’t had live music here in a long time. What else?”
We discuss other possibilities. Trivia nights, bingo nights, even hosting a speed dating event. After a round of drinks, I start to worry about Paolo’s absence. Almost half an hour has gone by since I arrived, and still no sign of Regina Moon Dee. I’m about to send a text when she comes tripping in.
Literally.
Paolo-as-Regina walks into the Pink Unicorn waving and saying, “Hiiiiiiii—” and then his right ankle wobbles, and he falls to the ground. A horrible feeling of déjà vu washes over me.
“Oh, shit!” Kat says.
I run over to the entrance, but Paolo manages to pick himself off the ground without too much effort before I reach him. Luckily, the massive amounts of tulle seem to have absorbed most of his fall.
Bryan hops off his stool. As he helps Paolo up on his feet, Bryan blinks a few times and squints at him. He turns to me and gives me a funny look.
“Are you okay, Regina?” I ask.
“I’m fine!” Paolo says. “I think I just over-sillied that walk.”
“ Sissy ,” I whisper into Paolo’s ear.
“Hey, no need to be rude. I’m trying my best,” he mutters.
“No, the phrase is—”
Aaron wipes his hands off with a bar towel. He hesitates for just a second—a moment that seems to stretch out indefinitely as I wonder whether or not he’s able to see through the makeup and see Paolo underneath.
He smiles and reaches his hand out to shake Paolo’s. “Nice to see you again. And, uh…” He gives me a questioning look. “I don’t know. Is this the right way to greet a drag queen?”
“Oh, honey, I’ll take hugs, kisses, handshakes, and any other hand gestures,” Paolo says playfully. He stretches out an arm, leading with the wrist. “Enchanté. You stay.”
Better , I mouth silently to Paolo.
“So, um, why exactly are you here, Regina?” Kat asks, trying to move the charade along.
“Ah, yes. Just here to pick up my eyeliner from Rexie here,” Paolo says. “Don’t you just love finding my things? It’s like leaving behind little kisses.”
I smile and nod. So far, so good. I root around in my jacket for the makeup but can’t seem to find it.
“You were great your first night here,” Aaron says while I continue to search. “But everyone’s been telling me what an even bigger party it was last weekend. I’m hoping to be able to switch to Saturdays soon. Wait, you’re not working here tonight, are you?” Aaron gives Bryan a look, who shakes his head at him. “Am I missing something? Why are you all dressed up?”
I panic for a few seconds, praying Paolo’s gotten his story straight.
“Just on my way to another gig in the city,” Paolo replies. “Now that you’ve gotten me out of retirement, the floodgates are open, and the offers are just pouring in.”
“Yes, well, try to keep those floodgates closed a bit,” I say. “Or you’ll spread yourself too much. I mean, you’ll spread yourself too thin.”
Paolo’s face cracks as he tries not to laugh at me.
“In any case, you look very pretty tonight,” Aaron says to Paolo.
“You really are!” Kat says, glancing sideways at me. “I’m so fucking impressed!”
I take another look at Paolo. I can’t help it. It’s not just that he looks and sounds so much like me as Regina Moon Dee; it’s that I’m experiencing what other people feel when they’re around me. Paolo-as-Regina is buoyant, effortless. Fun. She’s someone I want to be around. It makes me sad that I’ve kept my other persona hidden for so many years. And it makes me want to spend more time with him.
More time as her , I mean.
Paolo brings a hand to his chest. “Why, thank you both.”
And then I notice that Paolo has frozen, his smile angled into something like a scowl.
Kat squints at him. “Are you okay, Regina?”
Paolo nods slowly, his strange smile still stuck in place. “Mm-hmm.”
“You sure?” Aaron says.
“Mmph,” Paolo mumbles. “It’s… just…”
“What?” Kat says.
“Mytk,” he says quietly through gritted teeth.
“Your what?” I ask.
“My tuck,” Paolo whispers.
“Your what? ?” we all say.
“Excuse us for just one second.” I pull Paolo aside. “What’s this about your tuck?”
Paolo whispers, “It’s coming loose. Like, really loose. I don’t think I did it right.”
“You’re tucked? Why the hell are you tucked? I chose that outfit specifically so you didn’t have to!”
“I know, but I just wanted to go all in. So I learned all about it online and tucked before I got to your place.”
“Oh. That’s why you were so quiet the whole time.”
“Yeah. It felt weird, and I was trying not to think about it. And now I’m pretty sure I didn’t do it right because—oops. There we go.”
“Your penis is fully untucked now, isn’t it?” I ask.
“Completely,” Paolo says.
“You should probably get going,” I say.
“Yes.”
I move back toward the bar. “Nice seeing you, Regina,” I say with lots of enthusiasm, pushing him toward the front exit. “Have a wonderful gig tonight. Wherever you’re going.”
Paolo, however, squirms while walking, as if he has a load in his pants. “Actually, I’ll just use the bathroom before I go,” he says, before rushing off to the back.
“Maybe I should go help her out?” Kat says, looking concerned.
“Wait,” I say, but it’s too late. She’s gone after Paolo and entered the bathroom behind him.
“Sweet sausages, what the hell am I looking at?” we hear Kat yell from behind the door.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER , Kat and Paolo re-emerge from the restroom. Paolo looks much more comfortable, his face tranquil and the tulle of his tutu nicely fluffed.
Kat, though, looks as if she’s just walked out of a combat zone triage center.
Paolo smiles at us. “Aaron, so nice to see you again. Rex, ta-ta. And, Kat? I owe you.” He floats out of the bar, giving Bryan a goodbye air-kiss as he leaves.
“That is not what I thought tucking meant,” Kat says, still shell-shocked.
Aaron scrunches his face in confusion before shrugging and attending to a bunch of new people who have shown up at the bar.
I sit back down on my stool and feel a lump in my pants pocket. “Dammit,” I say, pulling the liquid eyeliner out. “That’s where it was.”
I hurry out the exit, and then realize there’s no need. Paolo can only go so far so fast in my shoes.
“Hey,” I say.
Paolo turns around. “How did I do?”
“You were perfect,” I say. “I was totally into it.”
“Yes, I could tell,” Paolo says, lightly tapping me on the chest. “So why did you come running after me so fast? Aren’t you heading out to dinner with Aaron and his friends?”
Why did I go after him? The makeup is mine, not his. My heart is still racing, even though it wasn’t that far for me to chase after him.
“I just…” I say, staring at him.
“What?” Paolo’s red lips curl up into a smile.
And then, without even thinking about it, I hug him. “Thank you,” I say.
The massive tutu crinkles and gives way between us. The tulle becomes thinner until it’s not even there. Paolo holds me, saying nothing. He smells of perfume, and underneath that, his sporty soap and slight perspiration, which makes me—
“Rex, is that you?”
I turn my head around to the voice next to me.
My jaw drops. “Tito Melboy?”