Chapter Thirty-Three
Bowie
On the plane, Bowie clutched at his chick and listened to his friends chattering, doing his best to hold back his tears.
Something was wrong with Kari, but he didn’t know what.
There was a difference in the way he was behaving.
Yes, he was being caring and considerate, but when he looked at Bowie, his eyes were…
empty of emotion? Yes, that was how it seemed to him.
Bowie had seen this before. He knew what came next—rejection.
Doom and gloom are not going to fix this.
How can I fix anything when I’m not enough? I’m never enough.
You are enough. And see this right here—this is the problem—you don’t believe in yourself enough. Kari loves us—
Yes, but—
There are no buts. Your way of thinking has to change. Kari loves us. The only person not loving us is you.
Bowie clung a little tighter to his chick at the urge to say aloud that his animal side was wrong.
I’m not wrong. When those stupid people cast us out, you stopped believing you are lovable. Tell me I’m wrong?
He couldn’t because that was exactly what he believed.
Alright, you aren’t wrong. It was impossible to stop the sobbing going on in his head.
He worked extra hard to make sure he didn’t lose control in front of everyone.
Kari was sitting with his brothers, but still close enough that Bowie could smell his bodywash.
If he lost it, Kari would want him to explain why, and he had no way of doing that without questioning what he’d done to upset Kari.
After the years he’d spent building friendships, acting out was not the way to keep them when they’d become his substitute family.
“Do you think we will have to go into the office today?” Monty’s question caught Bowie’s attention.
It was Friday, and Bowie assumed they would head straight to the office once they’d landed.
There was no way Bowie could leave with Kari unless they were heading to the office.
Otherwise, it would look odd and might cause speculation, the kind Kari wouldn’t want.
See, this is part of the problem. You haven’t asked what Kari wants and if you keep guessing, it’ll only make things worse.
His animal wasn’t wrong, but habits formed to protect himself were hard to break when the memories of his past never went away.
“’Cause we did all those extra hours, Booker said we get the afternoon free. I’m ready for some Emmy cuddles,” Frey answered excitedly.
“Do you think she missed you?” Bowie’s question got a head shake, and he lapsed into silence, not sure what else to say when he was feeling so weepy.
“She’s had the best time with Lane and Derick. I can tell with all the giggling in the mini videos Lane sent me.” Frey tugged out his phone, and they all gathered closer to watch the small screen as Frey hit play.
“What do you think, Monty?” Bowie turned his attention to Isley, frowning.
“Catch me up, I was thinking about what I could do with my free time.”
Wasn’t that what they had just been talking about, or had Bowie missed something?
Isley frowned at Monty. “That’s what we were talking about. Do you want to go to Frey’s to see Emmy? Maybe head to the park and try out the place Frey raves about that makes brownies?”
Monty nodded eagerly.
“As long as I get to taste the brownie you raved about last time!” Ziggy stated dramatically, making them all laugh, but for Bowie it was forced, recalling the horrible attack on Frey. “Then I’m in.”
Frey grinned sassily. “Good, because then we can talk about your… engagement!” Frey glanced in Monty’s direction. “And we can talk about you and—”
“Frey!” Monty hissed, giving Frey a warning look, one Bowie did not understand at all.
The conversation shifted back to Emmy and Frey played more of the tiny clips of video Lane had sent him. It kept Bowie’s thoughts off his own worries until the plane landed.
“Have you got your car here?” Lennon asked as he came to a stop next to Bowie, waiting for his suitcase to be removed from the cargo hold.
He didn’t dare glance in Kari’s direction. “No, I left it at home.”
“I’ll give you a lift.” Bowie could think of no valid reason to not nod, so he did. “Great. We can go via your place to pick up your car, or I can just drop you back after we’ve visited the lake with Emmy. Whichever works for you.”
None of it worked for Bowie, he wanted to go with Kari. He wanted reassurance that he was mistaken, and that Kari was only behaving oddly because they had an audience.
Although he hadn’t behaved oddly in front of others before, had he?
“What do you say?” Lennon nudged him.
“If you could drop me off, I’ll get my car. It’ll save you from making a double trip to mine when you live on the other side of town.”
“Can I catch a lift, too?” Isley gave Lennon a hopeful smile. “My car’s in the auto shop for repair.”
“Of course.” Lennon cast his gaze to where Kodi and Kari stood, having a conversation in hushed tones. “The more, the merrier.”
“Bowie, this yours?” Wilder pointed to the suitcase that sat on the tarmac now, with a pile of others.
“It is.” He went to retrieve it, passing by Kari, who didn’t so much as glance in his direction. Bowie’s shoulders slumped, his sneakers dragging on the ground as he collected it and went back to Lennon.
Five minutes later, they were on their way. Bowie sat in the back seat, the chick pressed to his chest, blinking furiously at how Kari had given him an absent wave when he’d said goodbye.
Was he going to come back to Bowie’s?
He had no answer, and the more upset he got, the more his animal professed that he needed to get his act together. To ask Kari what the problem was so they could fix it.
How did you fix something you didn’t even know you’ve broken?
To Bowie’s mind, that was the real root of the problem. He’d broken something, and whether that was him being him or something else, he didn’t know. Even when he thought real hard about it on the drive to his.
“It’ll be good to sleep in my own bed,” said Isley with a groan.
“I didn’t mind the small bed so much, more the grumpy alpha sharing the tiny cabin when he does everything so loudly,” Lennon answered.
“You should try the silent treatment that Laken gives me. It can be just as annoying when someone pretends you’re invisible.”
Bowie cocked his head to the side. “Is Laken that quiet?”
“Yes,” Isley sighed dis-heartedly.
“I honestly would take that over shouting. Kodi needs someone to paddle his bottom on a regular basis.”
Isley snort-giggled, and Bowie’s lips flapped open and shut at how it sounded like Lennon wanted to do just that. Lennon was a kindhearted soul, who would never hurt another person. This was a strange side of him that Bowie hadn’t seen before.
“Would you really spank him?” Bowie asked when he found his ability to speak, just as Lennon pulled to a stop outside his apartment building.
“You bet I would, if it made him behave. Kodi needs a keeper!”
Isley twisted to look at Lennon. “Sounds like you want the job.”
Bowie, who had reached for the door handle, glanced at both men. He witnessed a wash of color stain Lennon’s cheeks, but he didn’t deny it.
“I figure Kari has acted like a daddy to Kodi to keep him under control.”
“A Daddy?” Bowie squeaked at the flare of panic at his friends knowing his secret and then unfriending him because of what he liked.
See, this is your problem!
Bowie ignored his animal, his attention on the two men sitting in the front of the car. Lennon’s eyes narrowed as he glanced back at Bowie.
“Yep, I mentioned to my older brother, he’s a daddy, how bad Kodi was, and we got to talking.”
Bowie’s mind was reeling from the casual way Lennon talked about his brother being a ‘Daddy’ like it was nothing, and by how Isley stared at Lennon, he was just as surprised.
“He said that Kari fulfilled a need in Kodi. Them being twins is maybe part of it, but Kodi acts out and usually it’s Kari who calms him down.
” Lennon nodded, almost as if to himself as he continued.
“My brother thinks something has shifted the balance for Kodi and that’s why he’s acting out more because Kari is giving his attention to someone else. ”
He was giving it to Bowie…
Oh, was this why Kari was behaving differently, because of his brother?
“How come you never said anything about your brother being a Daddy?” Isley asked softly.
Lennon shrugged indifferently. “He’s always had a boy since as far back as I can remember. It’s who he is, so I don’t think about it. He’s just my older brother Jonny.”
“Do your parents know?” Bowie hadn’t intended to join in the conversation, but the question popped into his head when he thought of how close Kari was with his parents. Did they know what he was into? He could not quite recall if Kari had mentioned it before.
“They know. I think they found it hard in the beginning, though I can’t say for sure.
I just remember things being awkward when Jonny brought his boyfriend home and did stuff that many would think he should do for himself.
” Lennon nodded at Bowie. “You know, same as Kari sometimes does things for you.”
He couldn’t quite catch his breath as it registered what Lennon was implying.
“Me?” he croaked, feeling very warm when Isley focused on him, too.
“Now you mention it, Kari is very attentive to your needs Bowie. Haven’t you noticed?”
Bowie was never good at lying, and the very idea of lying to his friends didn’t sit well with him. Talking to Ziggy and not mentioning Kari’s name in a conversation about what he liked was one thing, this was something else entirely. Especially when he didn’t know if Kari would approve.
Lennon isn’t judgy of his brother’s choices, his animal side quickly pointed out, when the lie was burning his tongue.
“I… it’s like…” Bowie buried his head in his hands and groaned in distress.
“It’s alright Bowie, honest. You don’t need to talk about whatever is going on with you and Kari.”
His head popped up at how Lennon already knew there was something. “He’s my Daddy,” he blurted out before he could stop himself or overthink it, like he always did.
“I thought he might be.” Lennon was more astute than Bowie, that was for sure.
“Is that why you talked about your brother?” Isley reached back and offered his hand to Bowie, which he took and clutched at. “We’re all friends—family—Bowie, nothing is gonna change that.”
His chin wobbled at Isley’s reassurance of the fear that had kept him quiet. “Are you sure, ‘cause I like… I like teddy bears,” he confessed tearily, sniffing.
Isley giggled and glanced down at Bowie’s lap. “We already know that, silly. I have several of my own, and I have toys I like to play with. Does it matter what we like to do that makes us feel better?”
Bowie gave that some thought before he shook his head.
Isley squeezed Bowie’s fingers. “See? You have nothing to worry about when it comes to us.” Isley looked at Lennon who shook his head.
“I’m never gonna judge you. What you and Kari do, does it make you both happy?”
Again, Bowie thought about Lennon’s question, taking the time to consider his reply.
Happy didn’t fit what Bowie felt inside when he thought about Kari.
Kari took away the dark from inside Bowie and made everything sparkle.
It didn’t matter how bad his day was, all he had to do was think about Kari and everything felt better, and he said so.
“You’re in love with him.” Isley sniffed loudly and ran his free hand over the end of his nose, his eyes big and bright.
“I do. I love my Daddy.”
“Go you.” Lennon grinned. “I bet you all my kitchen appliances Kari loves you, too.”
Did he? Before the trip to the ranch, Bowie would have agreed, but the change he felt in Kari made him doubt.
“I… I’m not sure,” he finally said.
“Fiddlesticks. Of course he loves you.” This came from Isley. “Now I’m thinking about it, if there was ever a man in love, it’s Kari. He trailed after you all week, making sure you were okay. Happy.”
“He did,” Lennon agreed. “So why are you doubting it… him?”
“He… his eyes. They look at me differently,” explained Bowie.
“Can I ask you something?” Lennon came forward and placed his hand over Isley’s and Bowie’s, as Bowie nodded jerkily, uncertain what Lennon wanted to know. “Is it you not wanting to tell anyone about your relationship or is it Kari that has you keeping secrets?”
“Me,” he replied without thought.
Lennon and Isley both frowned.
“Can you tell us why?”
Lennon held his gaze as he waited for Bowie to answer him. “I’m… scared of losing him, but I’m also afraid of losing my friends. You’re my family. I already lost the first ones because I wasn’t enough.” The moment he said it aloud, he knew it was the absolute truth.
Finally. His animal didn’t hide its relief at Bowie’s confession.
“Look at me,” Lennon said, ever so softly, making Bowie realize he’d dropped his gaze.
When Bowie did, Lennon grinned widely. “We’ve created a family.
You, me, Isley, Frey, Wilder, Ziggy, Monty and even Hollis.
We aren’t going anywhere. Your family were not worthy of you, and don’t let them be the measure of us, because we aren’t like them.
We love you. If one of us left Starling Enterprises, we wouldn’t be leaving our family, just the job.
You are stuck with us, always, no matter what. ”
“Are you sure? My birth family and my adoptive family didn’t stick with me?” The sob stole Bowie’s breath as he buried his face in their joined hands.
“They were fools, and we aren’t. Neither is Kari,” Isley stated with such force Bowie took notice because Isley wasn’t the forceful type.
Tear-drenched eyes peeked up at his friends, chin wobbling. “You promise?”
“Yes.” Lennon wore a serious look.
“Always.” Isley ruffled Bowie’s hair. “And when you decide to talk to the others about any of this, we’ll be there for you, got it? It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow or next week. Go at your pace, that’s always best.”
He sucked in a breath to stop the next sob and nodded at how much he wanted to share with the others, just not when he felt this emotionally drained. And he figured he needed to talk to Kari first. He just had to work out what to say.