Chapter 36
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Chase
The sound of the drill cutting is the only thing filling the silence of the studio. I haven’t left since she walked out the door, focusing on putting in the last touches: finishing up the bathroom and assembling the shelves, installing the cabinets. Everything has to be perfect. It has to be.
I wipe the sweat from my brow and step back for a moment, surveying the room.
The chair is finally built and placed in the corner beside the window.
I can just picture her sitting there, smiling, as she watches over the kids as they run through a routine she taught them or play games in the corner with all the options stacked there.
Or maybe she’ll read or simply just sit, enjoying the quiet at the end of a long day. She deserves that.
Everything’s finally coming together, and there’s little to nothing left to do but decorate and stock the shelves and cabinets with all the things she’ll need to run a rec center the way that she will.
There are a lot of areas left empty because I want her to be able to add her own touch, the things I might not have thought of—and I’m betting there are a lot.
She came in here with the vision, and I did the best I could, based on everything I knew she wanted and all the things she told me along the way.
But it’s still not enough, and I can’t stop until I’ve made things right.
“Chase?” my dad calls from the doorway. “I brought lunch. You’ve been at this for hours.”
I pause, my hand gripping the edge of the cabinet I’m installing, but I don’t turn around. “Thanks, Dad, but I’m good.”
I hear him shuffling, the paper bag rustling as he sets it down on the counter—the familiar sounds of him making himself comfortable while he waits for me to acknowledge him—but I don’t want to lose focus.
When I lose focus, I get in my head, and when I get in my head, I fall apart.
It happens every day, a couple times a day, and I don’t want to do that while he’s here.
He has enough on his plate and he’s heading home tomorrow.
“Son. Come on now. Come sit.”
My eyes close, and I take a deep breath. I set the drill down and turn to him, joining him on the floor. “You know, maybe we do need another chair in here somewhere,” I say, trying a joke, and he smiles, but the one on my lips feels forced.
He taps me on the knee, and we sit there eating in silence, just like yesterday, like I’ve done for four days before that, since I followed Paige back here and watched her walk right back out.
I can barely taste it. Everything seems to have lost its flavor.
“Have you talked to the boys today?” he asks.
I nod.
“Lolli said she stopped by this morning, brought you some coffee.”
I nod again, picking at the crust on my sandwich.
“She should be having that baby any day now, hmm? I bet Nate is losing his mind.”
Another nod.
Eventually, my dad sits back and sighs. “You know, I’ve debated whether or not to share this with you, but all things considered, I think you should know…” He begins, and my eyes lift to his. “The game that I came to, the one with the scouts, your big game.”
“Dad, come on, please. I don’t want to talk about this.”
“I know, Son. I know you don’t, but sometimes you have to.
You can’t just block everything out, but I’m not trying to talk to you about the game.
You have my word. But what I tell you has to do with the fact that I was there in the first place.
It was Paige’s grandfather who arranged it,” he says, and my head yanks his way.
“What?”
He nods, eyes scanning my face. “You knew I couldn’t afford to come into town for your last season, and I know how hard that was for you, just like I know how hard it was for me.
That would have been another one of those games that I couldn’t be there for, but then I got a call from a man named Grant.
He had a ticket for me, plane ticket too, and the hotel was already arranged.
He said Paige told him how much it meant to me, that she talked about you all the time and your big day, and he just wanted to know if I would like to be there.
“I thought it was strange at first, tried to refuse the offer, but at the end of the day it got me to you. So I swallowed my pride and I came.”
I stare at him, blinking, the words hitting me like a sucker punch. “What?”
“Yeah.” My dad nods slowly. “That was all her grandfather.”
I want to scream, to throw this plate across the room and tug my hair but instead I just stare at my dad, confused.
Why the hell would he do that?
“I don’t know why he would do that, Dad, but he’s probably going to ask us for something because of it,” I mutter under my breath, the bitterness plain as day.
“Maybe,” my dad agrees. “Or maybe he means well but doesn’t know how to go about it because money is what makes his world go ’round. Maybe he knows no other way.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He shrugs a shoulder. “Don’t know. Maybe I was embarrassed, and when you didn’t ask, I just left it alone.”
My eyes close and I shake my head. “Why did this have to happen, Dad? All of it. Any of it. I just wanted to be better than I was, and I was starting to be. With her, I felt like I could… I just felt like more. Like whatever I didn’t understand, the things I’d done, Mom leaving and destroying more than she had to, getting hurt and letting go of football, none of it matters anymore, not in the same way that made me feel like I couldn’t breathe anyway.
Because Paige understood me. She saw me.
She knew what I was, so it didn’t matter that I didn’t. So long as she did.”
My chin falls to my chest, and I swallow. “God, I fucked up, didn’t I?” I meet his eyes, the same shade as my own. “I ruined everything by trying to fix everything on my own instead of going to her. We were supposed to be a team and I just…” I sigh, shaking my head.
“I’m not going to sit here and pretend I have the answers for you, kid, because I don’t, but I can tell you how it felt when I found out you had spinal stenosis and didn’t tell me.” I wince but hold his gaze.
“It made me feel like we weren’t as close as I thought we were. It broke my heart, Son. To know that you kept all that in, that you carried the load that was not yours to carry alone. I felt like you didn’t believe in me enough to tell me.”
My throat clogs and I shake my head, eyes burning. “Dad—”
He raises his hand, his smile soft. “That was how I felt. But it only took me an hour or two to understand it for what it is. You being the strong, selfless young man I’ve always known you were.
” He tips his head. “Trying to protect your old man any way you could. You didn’t want to tell me because you thought it would have broken me down more than I already was, and you didn’t think that was fair…
but you were wrong, Son. It is always one of my biggest moments of pride when I am able to be there for you when you need me.
Because that is what a father does. That is what a good man does, Chase.
We stand up when no one’s looking. We bleed freely for the ones we love.
And you…” He trails off, shaking his head, staring back at me with something that looks a little like awe.
“You flayed yourself open without a second thought.” My jaw trembles, so I clench it harder. “You, my boy, are more of a man than I ever was.”
I blow out a harsh breath, moisture in my eyes as I drop my head back, looking at the ceiling so it doesn’t fall.
“I was trying to protect her. I told her I was never going to walk away from her, and I don’t even know if she believes me.
” I close my eyes. “I could never. I need her, Dad. I can’t fucking do this life without her. I don’t want to.”
My dad reaches out, giving my shoulder a little squeeze. “I know, Son. I know.”
Paige
It’s late, nothing but the sound of the ocean in the distance.
The street is dark, as are the windows as I slide my key into the lock, wondering, if only for a moment, if it will even work this time.
It’s a silly thought; this is my studio after all.
The door opens with ease, not a single squeak, and I close it just as fast, locking myself inside.
My eyes instantly go to the back wall, to the butterflies and the photo of me and my dad. I should be shocked by how much this place feels like mine again, but I’m not. How could I be when every inch was so clearly, carefully thought out with me in mind.
I thought it was perfect before, but it’s so much more now. I can feel the effort; I feel the thought and attention, and it’s all because of him.
Arms crossed over my chest, I walk farther into the space, and that’s when I see him.
Curled up in the corner on a sleeping bag, as if there isn’t a big, beautiful house with his bed inside it just five minutes down the road.
There’s even a duffel beside him, some clothes half strewn out, a couple other pieces stacked beside it, like he hasn’t left here in days—or if he has, he always comes right back.
Just in case I showed up?
Because he knew I would.
Just like you knew, deep down, that he would be here when you did.
He looks so peaceful, but I know he feels anything but.
I know because I feel it too, this strain…this subconscious need that won’t go away. I shouldn’t have run out that day and I shouldn’t have gone quiet after, but I was overwhelmed.
I was overwhelmed and I hurt him because of it.
My features soften and I take a step closer, watching as he starts to stir.
Slowly, hazel eyes blink open, and it’s as if I can feel his harsh inhale in my own throat.
“Paige.” His voice is rough, his surprise creating an ache in my chest.
The vulnerability in his voice kills me. It draws me closer, pulling me in even though I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I’ve thought about this a hundred times, run through the words in my head over and over, changing them each time. None were quite right and now that I’m standing here with him, I can’t even figure out a single place to start.
There is so much to say, isn’t there?
As I look down at him, at the stricken and uncertain expression on his face, I’m unexpectedly not so sure.
Chase sits up, his back resting against the wall, eyes tired and shoulders down.
And in the silence that stretches, his eyes locked on mine, suddenly I do know what I want to say, what I’ve been trying to say for months, but this man, this stubborn, hardheaded, selfless man wouldn’t allow it.
I place myself directly in front of him, and for once, he has to look up at me.
My hands tremble, but I force them to lift, cupping his face, feeling the stubble there. His eyes slam closed.
“No, open your eyes. You’re going to look at me.” I tighten my grip. “Chase, look at me.”
He swallows, and finally those eyes of his meet mine.
“What you did,” I whisper, my voice barely a breath.
“It wasn’t fair.” I gulp hard, shaking my head.
“You hid things from me, big things that affect you, things that affect me and my life. My future. You lied. You let me walk around in the dark, left me out, and you had no right. You did all those things and more and I want to be so mad at you right now because you didn’t even give me a chance.
” His brows crash, eyes moving between mine.
“I want to be so mad but how the hell am I supposed to be?”
One of his hands shoots up, fingers latching around my wrist.
“I’m supposed to be, right?” I whisper, my head shaking.
“I think I’m supposed to be but I just… I’m not, Chase.
How can I be? Look what you did for me. What you sacrifice.
You say you were never going to leave me, and I believe you.
So while I want to be mad at you, I’m not.
I’m mad at myself because it took me so long to come, to tell you that I’m sorry for ever doubting your love for me. You love me.”
His lips tremble, his grip tightening.
My hands shake, my eyes never leaving his as the words fall out of me, raw and real.
“I didn’t understand before why you would never let me speak the words out loud, but I get it now.
You don’t think you deserve it. Well, I’m here to tell you you’re wrong.
You are so much more than you think you are, and I’m so in love with you that I kind of want to smack you right now because how could you ever even think you were unworthy of this feeling?
” My voice cracks, and that does it. “You…are everything I never knew existed and so much more than I thought I would ever have, and I don’t see how anyone could ever love someone more than I love you. ”
He loses his control, his arms coming up around me as he tugs me close, pulling me down and cradling me in to his chest.
I go willingly, needing this. Needing him.
His heart pounds against mine, and I know he’s fighting with his emotions, just as I’m fighting mine.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs into my hair, his voice thick. “I never wanted you to worry. I wanted to handle everything before you got home and then you came early and everything got out of control before I could fix it.”
I lift my head from his chest, my fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt.
His hands find my face gently, shaking as the warmth of him presses into my skin, like he expects I’ll pull away, like he thinks I should.
I don’t. I won’t. I’ll never have even a moment of doubt again and I hate that I ever did when I knew better.
“I love you,” I whisper without hesitation. “I love you, Chase. Truly. Deeply.”
His limbs are trembling, and his forehead meets mine. “I do not deserve you.”
“Yeah, you do, but we’ll work on that,” I rasp. “Because we have now, and five, and twenty-five years to look back at this and I will keep reminding you of all the reasons why you do deserve me, this place being one of them.”
A shuddered breath leaves him, and he grips my face tighter, a devastating hope shadowed by heartbreaking despair staring back at me, like he just can’t bring himself to believe but physically can’t fathom the thought of not. “Baby.”
“I’m keeping you, Chase Harper. Now. Always. So if you could please kiss me now, because I’ve missed—”
He cuts me off with a swift press of his lips. One of his hands sinks into my hair, his other tugging me impossibly closer, his fingertips trembling as his body sags in relief. I’m where he needs me most—in his arms, close to his heart.
This kiss is different. It’s old and new and us.
It’s hard. Deep.
It’s final.