chapter twenty-three
noah
“What do you mean, ‘no’ ? ”
“I mean, no,” she says, her eyebrows jumping.
Who am I kidding? She doesn’t know what she wants. She’s too young. After a few years, she’ll realize she settled for me and leave just like Angie did.
“Let’s say we tell Jared, and he somehow miraculously is fine with it. What about five years down the road, ten? You’ll realize that you want more from life than I can give you.”
Saying it out loud makes me wince, but it needs to be said. There is no way that she would be happy with me in the long term. What we have right now is thrilling because it’s risky, but once that’s gone, she’ll understand this isn’t what she wants.
“You don’t get to make that decision for me, Noah,” she retorts, her eyes locked on mine. “How would you know what I want? You’ve never even asked. I don’t have these massive dreams that you seem to think I do. With everything I’ve been through, I just want to focus on what makes me happy, and I am capable of making my own choices.”
“You say that now–”
“I’m not finished. I am living my life the way I want to. This place is my home, and yeah, I’d like to go on vacation once in a while, but I love it here, and I fully plan on staying.”
I never asked her what she wanted to do with her life. I mean, we talk about the things she loves, but we’ve never really talked about what she wants for her future.
I guess it never came up. She deserves someone who asks those questions. We’re so close now, her warm, wet body between my legs. It’s taking everything I have in me not to run my fingers over her bare skin.
“Fine. Tell me you don’t want me,” she says, wiping her cheek. “Tell me you want nothing to do with me, and I’ll drop it.”
I should. Even though it would be a complete lie, I should tell her that. It would be for her own good. I want her more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life, but that’s not enough, is it? We’re at completely different stages. Her life is just starting. She deserves so much more than a single dad in a small town who barely has his own life together. I would only be holding her back.
Not to mention, Jared would never forgive me. He’s in love with her, his best friend, and if he finds out there is something between us, it will crush him, which, in turn, will hurt Kira.
“ Kira, ” I beg, my voice hoarse. I can’t lie to her. “It doesn’t matter what I want. What matters is what’s best for you and Jared. That’s all that’s ever mattered to me.”
“And you know what’s best for me?” she asks, crossing her arms under her chest, making it even harder to hold onto my resolve.
“I don’t. I just know I’m not it.”
Before I can do something to make this whole situation worse, like pull her into my lap and hold her until she stops crying, I rise to my feet. I hate leaving her out here, but I’ll change my mind if I stay.
When I get out of the shower, Kira is gone. Checking my phone, I breathe a sigh of relief at an unread message from her.
Kira: Going to Maddie’s.
It was the right thing to do, I know it was, but the look in her eyes when she understood what I was saying nearly ended me. I have to keep reminding myself it’s what needs to happen. I’m way too old for her, and any relationship between us would be doomed from the start.
None of that stops me from looking down at my bed and thinking about how Kira felt nestled in my arms the other morning. The softness of her bare skin on mine, the way she cuddled even further into me as she slept. I shake my head, trying to push those thoughts away. Maybe I can do what I always do when I need a distraction.
Grabbing two beers from the fridge, I head out the front door and across the street.
It only takes a couple of seconds after I knock for Keith to show up at the door, a confused look on his face.
“Oh god, what do you want?” he asks, his sarcasm evident.
Instead of responding, I press a bottle into his hands as I walk past him into the kitchen. What am I even supposed to say?
“Make yourself at home, why don’t you?” Keith chides as I take a seat on his leather couch. He tilts his head before shrugging and sitting down in his matching recliner.
“Got the game on?” I ask with a nod in the direction of his massive TV. I’ve never really cared for baseball, but Keith loves it.
“Of course I do. Got some nachos in the oven, too. If you want some, you might want to make another tray.”
“I’m all set, thanks.”
We don’t talk much throughout the game. Keith is too focused on our team winning. It’s not like I could have gotten any words in any way. Keith was too busy screaming and clapping every time they made a run or cursing under his breath when the rival team did. It isn’t until the bottom half of the ninth inning when he is sure that the Tigers will win, that he genuinely acknowledges me.
“Alright, tell me what’s going on.”
“Nothing, I just wanted to watch the game with you,” I say, hoping he doesn’t read any deeper into my tone. I can’t tell him what’s actually going through my head. There’s no way he’s going to understand the situation, and he’s going to think I’m a perv. Anyone would. I had sex with my son’s best friend. There’s no sane way to justify that.
Keith levels a look at me, not tolerating an ounce of my bullshit.
“This is about Kira, isn’t it?” It’s more a statement than a question. My jaw tightens as I try to regulate my reaction. Does he know about Kira and I? There’s no way.
“What do you mean?”
“Noah, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. Not to mention, the tension between you two on the fourth was so thick, a fillet knife couldn’t cut it.”
Was it that obvious? I thought we were discreet, but now I’m wondering if anyone else noticed something was going on. I think about denying it again, but he knows me too well. I doubt he would believe it.
“Well, whatever it was, it’s over now,” I say with empty confidence. “I came to my senses and told her we couldn’t do it anymore.”
“God, I knew it,” he says, sighing. “You’re an idiot.”
“I know. I never should have let anything happen between us. She’s only nineteen, for Christ’s sake. I feel like a piece of shit.”
Keith shakes his head, and disappointment radiates from him.
“No, you dummy, you’re an idiot for letting her go.”
It takes me a minute to fully comprehend what he said, and even then, I’m sure I heard him wrong. There is no way he thinks that Kira and I should be together.
“Listen, in any other circumstance, I would tell you that you’re a creep and need to stay as far away from her as possible, but this is Kira we’re talking about here. She’s different. I know you would never do anything to put that girl in danger,” he explains.
“You can’t be serious.”
“Oh, but I am. It’s so plainly obvious that she is in love with you, and I think you might love her too, or at least close to it. You’ve been happier than I’ve seen you since Angie. That shit is rare, and I know this situation isn’t the most convenient, but you need to hold onto her for as long as she will let you.”
“I’m not good for her, Keith. I would only hold her back.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You are one of the most caring people I know. If anything, you will be there to support her in anything she wants to do.”
I blanche. This is so far from what I expected from this conversation that I wasn’t even planning on having. Never in a million years would I have expected Keith to tell me I should pursue something with Kira. He’s crazy. Kira and I can’t be together.
“Tell me what you’re really afraid of,” he says.
That’s it, isn’t it? I don’t want to ruin her life. I don’t want to be the one who stops her from living. But if I really think about it, I’m scared of history repeating itself. I can’t get that close to someone again.
“What if she leaves me?” The question is so quiet I’m not sure he even hears it. I clear my throat, speaking a bit louder this time. “What if we’re happy for a couple of years, but then, out of the blue, she realizes she doesn’t want me anymore?”
We sit in mutual silence for a few seconds. I sound so pathetic, but it’s the truth. I don’t think I could survive it this time around. I loved Angie, but there’s something more with Kira.
“That’s a lot of what-ifs, Noah. Look, I know Angie hurt you, and fuck her for that, but you can’t live your whole life afraid of letting anyone in. You deserve to be happy, and you need to accept that.”
I sit in those words for a moment. None of the women since Angie have been serious, but that’s because I’ve never felt a connection with any of them. I’d always been too focused on Jared, right?
God, I am an idiot.
“As much as I hate to admit it, I think you might be right,” I mutter, looking up at Keith.
“Of course I am. Now get out of here. I have a game to watch, and you have a woman to apologize to,” he says, ushering me toward the door. “And you’re going to have to tell Jared.”
What am I even going to say to her? I’m still not convinced this is a good idea, but Keith has a point. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before—this possessiveness bordering on ownership. I want to do everything in my power to keep her happy and safe.
Before I can think better of it, I tap on Kira’s contact and press call. It rings so long that I’m convinced she isn’t going to pick up. I mean, why would she? I was a complete asshole earlier. I’m about to hang up when a voice chirps on the other end.
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
Maddie.
At least that means she’s still with her, but from the sounds of it, they aren’t in her dorm room. Music thumps in the background, and I can hear people’s unintelligible shouts.
“Can you please put her on the phone?” I ask, trying not to sound frustrated. I need to talk to her.
“Why would I do that? You really hurt her, you know.”
The thought of Kira in pain because of me sends a deeper feeling of urgency through me.
“Please, Maddie. I fucked up, and I know that. I need to see her. At least tell me where you guys are.”
She doesn’t respond for a second, and the background noise dampens as if she went into another room.
“Fine, but you better not make me regret this. Kira is an absolute catch, and she deserves someone who loves her unapologetically. If I ever find out that you broke her heart again, I will personally track you down and fucking castrate you. Do you hear me?”
I rear back a little at her threat. She has every right to say that, but Jesus Christ .
“Loud and clear.”
Maddie reluctantly gives me the address, but I’m in the truck before I can even respond. They’re at a house party about twenty minutes away.
I’ll make it there in ten.