Chapter 19
Chapter
Nineteen
Aria
“The water is warm, I’ll go get your drink and snack.” Theo begins to leave before I grab his hand.
“Daddy?” He turns around quickly. “Can you stay this time?”
“Absolutely.” He pulls off his shirt, then his sweat pants, before picking me up off the counter and walking me into the shower.
We stand under the spray of water for several minutes, just letting the warm water run down our bodies.
When I finally decide it's time to get clean, Theo massages my head as he washes my hair.
“Thank you,” I whisper, unsure if he even heard it.
“For what?”
“Everything?” What don't I have to thank him for?
He protected me against my mother, he helped calm an anxiety attack, he put me in a position where I was able to see that no matter how loud my fears were, I trusted him, he proved himself trustworthy, he gave me multiple orgasms, and now he is being gentle and washing my hair.
There are a lot of things to thank him for.
“You don't have to thank me for any of that. I just care about you and want to make sure you're ok.” He pulls the handheld sprayer off the wall and begins rinsing my hair. “Are you ok?”
Rocks settle in the bottom of my stomach. “Honest answer?”
“Please.”
“I don't know.” I really don't. I mean, my mom made some wild accusations.
If I were to believe her over Theo with some of the wildest lies she threw out today, it would show that I have absolutely zero trust in Theo and this relationship.
But the way he responded to some of the things she said, and not denying the obvious lies, is worrisome.
Why couldn't he just say they weren't true?
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks while grabbing my conditioner and working it into my hair.
“Yeah, in a little. I don’t think I’m quite ready to know just yet.”
Theo runs his fingers up the back of my neck before grabbing a handful of my hair and pulling my head back. “You just like getting spoiled in the shower.” Pressing his lips against mine, he smiles.
I smile as he pulls away. “You can't be mad when you're the one who made me a princess.”
Theo grabs me a fresh towel, and while I'm drying off, he runs downstairs to get my drink and chocolate. When Theo said I could have whatever I wanted as aftercare, I probably should have gone bigger, like new shoes. But that little golden wrapped piece of heaven really does make me happy.
I throw on another pair of tiny athletic shorts and a clean crop top. I love watching Theo get distracted, noting all the love marks he left on my body when I wear outfits like this.
I walk out of our room to the room next door.
He has had me sleeping in his bed ever since he got home, but I still made this guest room my own.
We usually are only in here for aftercare since Theo never put a TV in the main bedroom.
Plus, we usually have to clean the sheets, and I don't want to have to delay my cuddles and trash TV to wrestle with a fitted sheet.
I climb into the bed and fix the pillows behind me. Theo walks in with my Dr. Pepper and chocolate, placing it gently on the nightstand before climbing into bed with me.
“So are we talking before or after we find out who cheated?”
“And you say you don't pay attention.” I laugh. “It was Charlie and Liza."
“You watched ahead? I was guessing Buckley and Liza.”
“No, I have social media.” I turn the TV on and find our show, but don't hit play. “I guess we should talk first.”
“If that is what you want to do.”
“I don't want to do it at all, but this is something we can't ignore.” Theo agrees, but he doesn't say anything.
I start to pick at my fingernails. After today, I am definitely going to have to schedule a spa day.
“Why couldn't you deny some of the things my mom accused you of?”
“Is that what got you so worked up, that I didn't deny the things she was saying?” Theo clarifies, but doesn't answer.
“Partially. There have been a lot of lingering feelings that have just gone unaddressed from the beginning, but hearing some outrageous claims being thrown at you, where you would deny some but not all, was really confusing.”
If he hadn't denied anything, that would be one thing, but he did deny some. He shot down some things that were absolutely false, but he didn’t make it known that other things weren't true.
“I'm sorry I made this so confusing for you.” While I appreciate the apology, he still hasn't actually answered. My anxiety begins to turn into anger. It's one thing to keep secrets, but skirting around the question and gaslighting me is an insult to my intelligence.
“How am I supposed to trust you when I know you're actively lying to me?” The words come out sharper than I intended, but I get my point across.
Theo looks away and stares at the TV for a minute, even though it's just displaying a static ad.
“Why did it seem like there was some truth in what my mom was saying when she said you were going to leave me, or put me in danger because of some secret mafia?”
“I won't leave you, Aria, and I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.” Still not an answer, but at least we're closer to one.
I think about his words. He is again not denying it; in a way, he is kind of confirming it.
That my mom was lying about him leaving me because of his job, but not that his job would put me in danger.
“I'm still not getting complete answers, Theo.
How am I supposed to be able to fully submit and trust when all I get are half-truths?
Trust is earned, and I trust you not to hurt me, but I don't know if I can trust you with anything else.
You have asked for so much blind trust from me, but you don't have any trust in me.”
That last sentence seems to hit hard. I don't want to hurt him, but I also need to protect myself.
I need to know what I'm up against if I am going to keep myself safe and be able to fully support Theo.
If he is going to keep secrets from me for the entire time we're together, this isn't going to work.
“Aria, I need just a few more minutes of blind trust. I know I haven't earned it, but, baby, I promise this is the last time I will hide anything from you,” Theo pleads.
My heart wants to trust, since that's what it has been doing for the last few months. My head argues that it won't be the last time; every time will be the last time . I can't keep doing this.
I find a compromise, I'll give him blind trust one last time, but if he keeps anything from me again, I'll leave. It will be hard, but I can't be somewhere where I'm not trusted.
“Fine, last time.”
Before the words are fully out of my mouth, he is out of the bed, phone in hand, making a call. He kisses my forehead before leaving the room.
I really hope I didn't just make a huge mistake.