Chapter 18
Lennon
The first dead body I ever saw was my mama’s.
I’d been eight when cancer had stolen her from us, and watching my lovely mother wilt and fade before our eyes was something I’d never forget.
My parents should have grown old together.
Instead, she was a memory, and Dad walked around with a piece of his heart on the wrong side of eternity.
I’d tried to become a woman my mom would be proud of, but right now, all I felt was shame and frustration.
As my father walked me back to my room at the clubhouse, I felt humiliation washing over me because I wasn’t able to defend myself today without help.
If Indi hadn’t been there, I know those Raiders would have gotten me into their truck.
Maybe I’d have died just like Ellis had, just as helpless against men who were determined to hurt and destroy.
I also felt my stomach churn at the thought that I’d helped kill a man today.
Even if I was defending myself, and even if it wasn’t me who landed the fatal blow, I still felt like I had blood on my hands now.
I ran my thumbs across the pads of my fingers surreptitiously, searching for the feeling of blood coating them, wondering why it mattered to me anyway.
Every man on this compound had hands dirtied for the sake of our club.
Did I think less of them knowing they’d killed if they had to?
Did I think less of Indigo for killing to survive when she was held captive by the Beast of Boston?
The answer was absolutely not, so why wasn’t I giving myself the same compassion and understanding I offered the rest of my family?
I felt Bones’s eyes on me the entire way to the clubhouse, boring into the back of my head as my father’s arm held me close to his side.
Dad dropped me at my door with a kiss on the forehead, and he was off to talk business with his brothers.
I shut the door to my room and kicked my shoes off, heaving a deep sigh.
I knew it would break my dad’s heart to move away completely, so last year he’d come around to me moving out…
as long as I remained on the compound. I could tell he hated the idea of being alone, so I’d agreed and taken my first baby step out of the nest. Into a bigger nest.
At first, I’d been thrilled to move in, thinking if Bones and I lived in the same space, he’d finally stop holding himself back and we could be together.
We’d almost been there once upon a time.
I’d been so close to convincing him to give us a chance.
Then Ellis had been murdered, and our whole lives had fallen apart for a while.
By the time I’d resurfaced from my grief for my best friend, Bones wouldn’t even give me the time of day.
I’d tried for years to catch his eye, but eventually, I gave up and accepted that the kind of love I felt for him was completely one-sided.
It wasn’t until Indigo came into our lives that I started to feel like maybe that wasn’t the case, but Bones was hot one minute and cold the next, and my poor heart couldn’t make sense of where I stood with him.
My thoughts were drawn back to the last night Bones and I had crossed his imaginary line in the sand, the night the Iron Raiders beat and kidnapped the man I loved, and I wasn’t sure if the last words I’d ever said to him would be ones born of anger and pain.
Lennon, the night Bones & Indigo were taken
The fucking nerve of this culero, acting like he hadn’t completely ruined my chance at a date this weekend.
Bones sat there across the bar from Indi and me, eating his sandwich as if everything was fine.
He ran into David and me, the cute worker at the grocery store who I’d been flirting with off and on for a few weeks.
When I noticed Bones shopping in the deli section, where David was trying to chat me up, I said bye to David and checked out.
I didn’t want Bones to know I was into him because every time I tried to date a guy, Bones inevitably did something to scare him away.
I didn’t see Bones anywhere near David when I left, and Bones got back to the clubhouse from town shortly after I did, but he must have found enough time to threaten David behind my back because by the time I parked my car, I had a text from him canceling our date.
I tried to text him back, asking what had happened, but the coward blocked my number!
I let out an irritated snarl as I shoved my phone into my purse and stalked angrily from the parking lot and into the clubhouse.
I tried to ignore Bones as Indigo and I ate our dinner.
The clubhouse was quiet tonight. Ace had left as soon as he could, not being a huge fan of socializing.
Prospect had wandered off at some point, and with just Indigo to act as a buffer, it was more of a challenge to ignore Bones, especially when I could feel his gaze boring into the side of my head.
I refused to acknowledge him because if I did, I knew I’d lose my temper and he’d go frosty on me.
Bones was the king of icing me out, and his ability to tuck his feelings for me away like he didn’t care or even notice when I was around…
it slayed me. I died a little more every time he acted on his feelings, only to push me away immediately after.
If he could do that, seeing what it did to me, then he couldn’t possibly care for me as much as I cared for him.
If you love someone, you don’t hurt them on purpose, right?
I made an excuse to my best friend, feeling guilty for exaggerating the schoolwork I needed to get done so I could have some alone time to rage into the void.
I heard Bones stomp out of the clubhouse as I climbed the stairs.
I slammed my door and threw my bag down near my bed.
My shoes were kicked off aggressively, and I flounced down onto my mattress, alone and free to be as dramatic as I wanted.
I threw my right arm over my eyes and heaved a sigh of angst and frustration.
Santiago drove me mad. Hot one minute, cold the next.
He didn’t want to date me, but he didn’t want anyone else to date me either.
He acted possessive of me around Ivan, but he ignored me and flirted with a club girl last night.
Bones kept me unsteady, never sure if he wanted me or if he even liked me at all.
Last, but not least, it irritated me to no end that the jackass took up so much of my mind!
I should make him pay rent for the prime real estate he owned in my brain, and wasn’t that just freaking pathetic?
I wasn’t some sixteen-year-old with a crush.
I was a grown-ass woman living my mostly-best life and working to ensure my dreams (and Ellis’s) came true.
I mentally kicked myself for obsessing so much over Santi.
Maybe those words he’d cut at me that night years ago were true.
Maybe I was just a horny girl who couldn’t take a hint.
I couldn’t do anything to resolve the tension between us right now, but I could do something about the ache between my thighs that inevitably occurred when I thought about Santiago for too long.
I kept my right arm slung over my closed eyes, the darkness helping me imagine the night Bones and I made out at Reid’s party.
The fingers of my left hand trailed gently over my torso, almost the ghost of a feeling, a pale imitation of the way his hands had felt on me that night.
My nipples tightened almost painfully, and I squeezed the left one and let loose a low moan.
Trailing my hand back down my body and under the band of my shorts, I rubbed myself in circles and thought of how Santiago kissed me hungrily or the little rumble he made in his chest that night when he grabbed my ass.
It only took moments before I was soaking wet and ready for something from the goody drawer in my nightstand.
Moving my arm to uncover my eyes, I shimmied my shorts off.
It wasn’t until I had my favorite toy in hand and already buzzing that I noticed the figure standing in my bathroom doorway.
I froze in shock, my brain short-circuiting at the sight of Santiago standing there, leaning against the doorway with fire burning in his gaze.
“Don’t stop on my account, gatita,” he said huskily.
“I think I prefer you like this. Claws retracted and practically purring while you pleasure yourself. Much better than the bratty way you behaved earlier.” My eyes flared in anger at the injustice of being called a brat!
He was the one who was being childish, constantly pulling and pushing me away.
“I was just thinking about David,” I said with a bitchy smile.
He’d already caught me in the act. I might as well own it and make him regret sneaking into my room.
You can’t control the cards you’re dealt, but you can control how you play them.
Right now, I wanted to frustrate him as much as he frustrated me.
Instead of snapping back, Santi gave me a tiny smirk, like he knew I was lying.
“We both know it wasn’t David you were thinking of, gatita.
” He crossed his arms where he stood, self-assured and smug with it.
“You can lie to me right now with eyes wide open, but we both know that only a few moments ago, when you fantasized, you moaned my name while you fingered your wet little pussy. Tell the truth. Tell me those sounds you made were for me.”