XXXII
There wasn't a feeling more repulsive than nostalgia and deja vu.
To James, it felt like a sudden wave of feverish dehydration that couldn't be quenched, a tight panging in his chest as he thirsted over memories and regrets that were out of his reach.
He held on to Eris' grip tightly, his knuckles turning white.
Gradually, the sensation began to dull, its vivid glut greying just like his vision.
?He wished Alex would walk faster.
?Now that he knew the truth about Eris, it seemed so obvious what she was doing that he couldn't believe he'd never noticed before. Even if it was convenient for him right now, he hated feeling like he would have to depend on her for his sanity forevermore.
?"You're friends with Eris again," Alex remarked.
?James said nothing.
?The corridor they had been walking down was somewhere James had been before with his family as a child.
The rooms along here were exclusively for long-term high noble and royal guests of the palace.
It was more prestigious than the already generous room James had been allocated, not far from his own room.
Though, if they had put him here, too many people would have started to ask questions.
?It suddenly became blatantly obvious that his existence as the dead prince of Ankaid didn't mean much at all in his current state. They could murder him right now and no one would ever know. He wrestled with the contemplation to flee.
?James realised he hadn't replied to Alex until the man raised his eyebrows in question. James cleared his throat.
?"Not friends," he clarified, "just an uneasy truce, right now. I'm sure you're happy about that."
?"Of course. I don't want to go crazy again and for me to be the one to stab you. I'm just a cowardly Ashadisman, after all."
?James pursed his lips. Alex was still rightfully pissed off about that comment.
?"Truthfully, I was winding you up on purpose," James admitted, "I thought you could be even better."
?James wouldn't tell Alex that he was investing in him. He didn't think the man would appreciate being considered a commodity to be processed and refined.
?"I knew it was on purpose, idiot. I just hate it when..." Alex trailed off, sighing in annoyance.
?They reached Alex's room, the familiarity sickening.
It was bigger and more polished than the one James had been given but it was Spartan in its arrangement.
Normally, if nobles stay at the palace long term they'll move their own furniture in or decorate it to their tastes.
This room seemed more like the sterile chamber of a hotel or inn, like Alex could be ready to get up and leave at any time and leave no trace.
?Alex gave him a cautious look over his shoulder and grabbed a shirt from his drawers, picking the first one at the top. He handed it to James and then went to fix them both a glass of water.
?"Put it on, please," he requested, but the tone made it sound more like an order.
?"Why? Am I distracting?" James teased.
?"Yes," Alex snapped. "I find it distracting."
?James found himself being the one to fluster. Perhaps the comment hit harder because of what they had done together already. James had never stuck around in this way before, normally he would have been on his way to the next town or city but that wasn't an option here.
?He obediently covered himself, the plain shirt fitting him almost perfectly.
?Going to lounge on the sofa, he watched Alex keenly, wondering if he'd sit next to him or opposite. To his disappointment, Alex sat across from him, placing the water on the low table between them as a lousy attempt at a barrier.
?James pretended to stretch, extending his leg out so it almost touched Alex's. The other man didn't seem to notice.
?"You're still pissed off." James observed, carefully.
?Alex gave him a snide smile. "You're so clever."
?"I apologised."
?"Admitting you did it on purpose isn't the same as an apology."
?James frowned. "Why are you so upset about this?"
?Alex pointed at him in warning. "Do not use my race against me," he hissed, "even if you don't mean it, I still hate it."
?James held his hands up in surrender and then flopped them into his lap again.
At that single moment, he'd only cared about angering the man, he hadn't really considered the aftermath.
To James, there never was a follow-up in a social exchange.
These long days in the palace were getting him to reevaluate the way he behaved. Suddenly, there were consequences.
?James sometimes forgot that people were people.
He knew that they had their own thoughts and feelings but he'd always known in that sort-of detached way that royals did.
Knowing with his head was different to knowing with his heart.
It was an attitude that he'd had to keep, considering the number of people he'd killed over time. He couldn't let people be too human.
?He knew Alex was sensitive about his race but he hadn't considered that Alex would feel hurt by it in the same way that James could feel hurt.
?"I'm sorry," he said. It was probably the first genuine apology he had ever given anyone in his living memory. "I haven't been very considerate."
?Alex clearly wasn't expecting to receive an apology, his eyes widened and his lips parted in surprise. It seemed like an overreaction.
?"Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to wind you up," James clarified in a rush, "I just won't use your race to do that."
?"I know what you meant," Alex murmured. He shook his head and then smiled weakly. "I appreciate it."
?James inwardly cursed himself, he'd made the atmosphere awkward.
He was brilliant at small talk but that was because he followed a mental script and he'd long since run out of material to recite to Alex.
His social skills outside of sarcasm were pitiful since he'd never held a long-term relationship of any sort; not even a recurring acquaintance. He could be witty but not gregarious.
?At the very least, Alex didn't seem so angry anymore.
?"You wanted to talk to me?" James hedged, wanting to escape the silence.
?"Well, you did ask me why I chose Riley, didn't you?"
?So that was what he wanted to talk about.
?"Surely, you realise how strange it is," James raved, the issues flooding into his head.
"This expedition has to be ironic-clad, no leaks.
Not a peep. Riley is loosely Theos royalty— the same royal family we're stealing from.
That's like trying to invade Ashad with an army of Ashadis.
I don't know how you got the duke to agree to this. "
?Alex sipped at his water, letting James ramble without interruption.
?"Him simply knowing about this expedition puts us in danger," James went on, growing further exasperated.
"He could have leaked it already and we'll have a nice little Theos or Ankaid taskforce waiting for us at the front door which would be fucking brilliant.
Do you really want to lead someone like Fletcher right into their hands? They could kill him!"
?"James." Alex said, raising his palm to stop him. "I've already thought this through and I would completely agree. Except, Riley already knew about this plan."
?James faltered, shutting his mouth then opening it again. "What?"
?"He knew," Alex said simply. "I saw him in the archive room a few days ago in the middle of the night. He already knew everything and begged me to include him."
?James stared wordlessly, utterly confused. "But that's..."
?"Impossible?" Alex bargained. "I thought so too. I wondered if you had told him."
?"No way." James asserted. "I haven't seen that man in weeks. I only voiced this idea a few days ago. Riley must have been notified almost immediately. Was it your father?"
?"No idea. Either there's already a leak and they told Riley, or someone of our own has been including him without us knowing."
?James frowned, touching his chin. "If it was a leak why would Riley tell you he knew upfront? He'd only be making himself culpable. It wouldn't make sense even if he was pretending to be a double agent because he'd still be singling both himself and Theos royalty out. There would be no benefit"
?"That's what I thought," Alex agreed. "No benefit at all."
?"So... someone is including him," James concluded uneasily.
?"I think so."
?Even then, why would this person keep Riley's involvement a secret from the rest of them? Did they feel they couldn't trust Riley enough? No, that wouldn't make sense, unless...
?"Maybe it's us that they don't trust," James theorised, the words felt more true to him after he'd heard himself say them. There was no other explanation for consistently keeping Alex out of the loop like they had been. More specifically, they didn't trust Alex.
?Alex frowned, gripping his water harder, he had likely read between the lines. "I've never been anything but loyal to them."
?James felt a rare sting of pity. Alex was clearly frustrated and disappointed by the revelation. James knew Alex was a devoted dog for the duke but he'd once again been undervalued. Perhaps they had a right to be suspicious; eventually, even the calmest dog would snap if provoked.
?"Maybe it's because they treat you like shit?" James offered with a shrug. "I wouldn't trust a mutt I kicked not to bite my hand as soon as it had the opportunity. Hell, I would." He would try ripping off the whole arm if it was him.
?Alex contemplated to himself for a moment, his brow lowered in intent. James stared, trying to read his mind behind those dark complicated eyes.
?"I know why," Alex finally admitted. He leaned back into his seat, crossing his arms and sighed, his jaw tense. James wondered what was making Alex appear so troubled.
?"Yeah?"
?Alex looked him in the eye and shook his head, he wasn't going to reveal the reason.
?Not yet, at least. James would get it eventually. His instinct of curiosity was too strong to let these things go for long.
?"It might be a good thing if Riley was trying to extend an olive branch then," James mused, then paused. "You said you met him in the archive room, right? What was he doing there?"
?Alex regained his composure, dropping the previous tension like it had never happened. James didn't think it was healthy for Alex to blow out emotions like that so easily.
?"That's right," Alex confirmed. "Actually, that wasn't the first time I had seen him lurking around there. It's been a few times now, always at night. I've also heard he goes missing some nights."
?James couldn't help but interrupt. "You've been working at night?"
?Alex hesitated, seeming to be unsure what James' problem was. He slowly nodded, confused. "Yes... why?"
?"Just," James wasn't entirely sure what his problem was but it seemed that he'd regularly seen Alex with dark bags under his eyes. He'd always thought it was simply the man's appearance, now he was thinking otherwise. "Well, how often do you work overnight?"
?Alex's nose and eyes scrunched up, disconcerted. "Most nights. I have to be thorough. This assassination is a big deal, you know?"
?Even if Alex was looking at him like it was strange to behave otherwise, his work ethic was anything but typical. No knight was this dedicated to their job. This was the same man that the duke was somehow unable to appreciate.
?"Does the duke pay you overtime?" James asked, baffled.
?"No, why would he? It doesn't matter how many hours I work."
?James spluttered in outrage. "What? You've been going this many nights without sleep and you're not even getting overtime pay? Why are you putting up with that? They're treating you like a slave!"
?Alex's eye twitched at the word and James instantly regretted framing it in that way. But, it was true. Labour wasn't ever meant to be uncompensated, it was an equal exchange; except when it was actual slavery.
?"You've been living with the common people for too long." Alex affirmed, a twinge of scorn underlying his words. "It's not about payment. I know that's the commoners' perspective but for me, it's a matter of duty."
?"Duty," he echoed, unimpressed.
?"Yes, duty!" Alex spat back. "If even one life can be saved by a sleepless night then it's my responsibility to never sleep again. Lay off."
?In James' opinion, duty was a stupid concept.
It was a tool that kept the honest slaving whilst the people at the top ridiculed them into working harder, not lifting a single finger of their own.
It was because of this excuse of duty that the lazy were enabled, otherwise they'd have to do their own fair share.
?James couldn't help the sarcastic drawl that left him. "Does self-sacrifice feel good?"
?"Yes, actually," Alex hissed, fueled by annoyance. "Isn't that why you saved that red-eyed boy at the expense of yourself?"
?James faltered on a comeback, rendered silent. There was nothing he could argue to that.
?"That's what I thought."
?It seemed stupid to James for Alex to work hard for people who didn't even trust him or acknowledge his contribution.
But, if Alex thought he was helping people, then who was James to criticise him?
It was the same excuse James used in his career to keep himself sane; that he was somehow 'helping the people'.
?"Fine, okay," James surrendered, knowing that this was not something they'd find agreement on. He had considered winding Alex up again and then releasing that tension sexually but it would have felt slimy after he'd already apologised for doing something similar earlier. "Get to the point, then."
?Alex looked him up and down, sceptically, like he was evaluating whether he should continue the conversation or fuck off in silence. Eventually, he decided to keep going.
?"I went to see what Riley was looking at and it was a file about a relative of his, some man that had vanished randomly. I wonder if that's why he's allying with us. It's possible he felt the circumstances were suspicious."
?James' interest was piqued. "Vanished?"
?"Into thin air," Alex spread his fingers out in front of him. "Blood was found in the room, but nothing else. No leads, nothing. Duke Straton wasn't very phased by it either. He was a complete dead end."
?"Wait, wait, wait. Did you say Straton?" James exclaimed. That particular name was ringing bells in his mind, hitching his heartrate up a notch. It was toying with something deep in his head, something lost to the fog of time.
?Alex nodded, tilting his head slightly. "Duke Straton, the Duchy of Corbella. Heard of it?"
?James scratched at the back of his hand incessantly.
"Cedwyn went missing?" James was intimately familiar with the Straton family; they had visited his family regularly when he was a child, despite not being Ankaid associated.
Corbella was under Theos territory but their families had still been close.
?"No, not Cedwyn. The previous Duke Straton died some years ago, Cedwyn took over not long after. It was his son that vanished." Alex explained.
?Right, the previous duke had been quite old. Something about this was capturing James' attention and not in a good way.
?"His son..." James muttered, then louder; "what was his son called again?"
?"It was some weird western name, coastal," Alex murmured in thought, "Llwyd, I think? Yeah. His name was Llwyd Straton."
?Llwyd.
?James' stomach dropped. A name that he had long forgotten from memories he had painfully neglected.
?"That's him," he rasped, covering his mouth with his hand. "Fuck, that was him."
?He could see the boy in his head clearly now, the pale blonde hair, the blue eyes like the sea from where he came.
?His sweat ran cold.
?"Fabian's childhood friend."
?Alex sat up straighter, the news unexpected. "You knew him?"
?Llwyd had been the one he'd tried to remember since they'd left the temple— the boy that had been in the Ankaid palace when they'd gone through Duke Chamberlain's relic collection. But, that must have meant that the Stratons were there that day, despite the occasion. Why?
?"James?"
?James tried to drag his attention away from his whirling thoughts and to Alex, who watched him expectantly.
?"I knew him," he confirmed, nodding, thinking. "He was Fabian's friend. I had no idea he was missing..."
?That got his brain moving.
?"Wait, he was missing?" James barked, his voice rising a pitch. "When? How?"
?"About two years ago," Alex answered carefully, watching James' face sharply. "He was in Edobury, which is why we have the records in the first place. Nothing was gone from his room, no sign of a struggle. Just a missing man and some blood under the rug. They assumed him dead."
?Was it a coincidence that the boy James had been suspicious of, and had been Fabian's closest friend, was the same man who had gone missing suddenly?
Edobury was far from both his home city of Corbella as well as the capital and the Ankaid royal palace.
Llwyd shouldn't have had any business down there at all.
For him to die there, too— had he been running away from something?
?"Something's off about this picture," James murmured. "I need those documents."
?Alex winced. "I can't give it to you. Hell, I shouldn't be telling you what was inside it in the first place."
?"You have to, Alex," James pleaded. "I need to know."
?Alex sighed but nodded, his eyes tight. James didn't know why Alex decided to trust him now out of all times but he wasn't going to question it just yet.
?"Was there anything weird about it? Anything at all?"
?Alex hesitated. "Well, except for the whole situation... the duke's reaction was strange."
?"Strange?"
?"He seemed unaffected," Alex explained, staring at the floor as he tried to remember. "Even though his son had gone missing, presumed dead, he didn't talk much. I almost got the impression that he didn't care."
?"Impossible." James denied fervently. "I know Cedwyn, he loved his children— adored them."
?"That's not the impression I got. He was very curt with the knights."
?James blew out a long breath. "On Adeia, what the fuck is going on?"
?This painting's artist had a broken arm, the image wasn't looking right at all, not from any perspective.
Despite what Alex was claiming, Lord Cedwyn had always been a very eccentric and emotional man.
He was a fierce strategic leader but an even more passionate father.
He didn't believe Alex was lying to him but it didn't make sense for the man to care that little.
?"Maybe he knew." James wondered, "maybe he was involved."
?It was the only explanation.
?"But, why kill his own son?" Alex asked, "I thought you said he loved him?"
?"Unless..."
?Unless he wasn't really dead.
?James cleared his throat. "I reckon we need to organise a trip to Corbella, don't you?"
?Alex frowned. "Why? What's this got to do with anything? We need to be focusing on the assassination."
?James didn't have the patience to explain. He stood up and began pacing, trying to curb the impending feeling that he was running out of time.
?"You know the duke is suspicious of the Theos royal house, yeah?" James tried. "I reckon it's the Stratons. They're the cousin family. I think we should start asking Duke Cedwyn Straton about what happened to his son that night."
?"And then what? Politely ask him if he had plotted treason and was planning on starting a war?"
?"Well, fuck. Sure! Ask him anything, Alex! Don't make it sound so stupid." James paused, pulling back the reins on the conversation. "How do you know about that?"
?"About what?"
?"About the war." James said, suspicious. "I thought you said the duke had put you on a need-to-know."
?Alex's jaw tensed, one finger twitched like he had almost fidgeted but had stopped himself.
?"You've told me this much, Alex. Don't think I won't drop this."
?Alex sighed. "I didn't, actually. Fletcher said his brother had a spat with some Esparians on the border.
" His voice was uneasy. "I simply went and asked the man a few questions, looked around at the current diplomatic situation and made an educated guess.
Thanks for confirming it for me, by the way. "
?James shrugged. "I already offered to tell you, I don't care if I confirmed it or not. I have no loyalty, remember?"
?Alex rolled his eyes, reaching for his glass and drinking some of his water.
?James smiled suddenly. "I'm proud of you."
?Alex raised his eyebrows over the rim.
?"You're breaking free of those stupid orders," James complimented. "I'm proud."
?"I didn't do it for you."
?James hummed. "Then why are you suddenly trying to ally yourself with me? You're telling me all sorts of information that you could have kept to yourself. Is it not to get on my good side?"
?Alex put his empty glass on the table, crossing his arms again. "You won't believe me if I say I trust you?" he offered.
?"No," James answered immediately. "You'd be a fucking idiot to trust me. I'm warning you now. I don't believe you'd be so stupid to."
?"I trusted you with my body." Alex murmured, a devilish smile growing on his face.
?James fought not to get distracted by it, which was oddly difficult. He couldn't let Alex get away with this, even if the man made it tempting to look the other way just this once.
?Never before had he envied his mentor's asexuality, until now.
?"No, you trusted yourself to buck me off if you needed to.
" James maintained, licking his lips at the memory.
He wanted to shake himself straight. Perhaps Alex had been right, getting involved could be dangerous.
He couldn't let Alex become a soft spot.
The man already got away with too much; even more would be outrageous.
?"So, why can't that apply to this situation?"
?It was a vague explanation, though he supposed Alex made a good point. Alex was capable. Perhaps it was James' very untrustworthy reputation that made him a safe option. He was still a bad option, by all means, but he supposed Alex didn't have very many choices.
?It was kind of pitiful that James was the best ally he could wish to get.
?James kissed his teeth in annoyance. "You're so pitiful. Fuck you."
?Alex was trying to withhold a smile but James could see it, it danced in his eyes. Fuck this man for being so handsome and pitiful at the same time. It was a travesty.
?"Fuck you." James repeated again, harder, for good measure, pointing at the offending man.
?Alex's eyes crinkled in humour, the smile still kept back.
?James looked down at him in contempt. "I'm definitely going to betray you one day."
?Alex chuckled. "Why? What for? What did I do?"
?James narrowed his eyes. "You know what you did."
?Alex had an awful habit of flying too close to the sun and getting away with it every single time. At some point, James should knock him down a peg. He didn't want Alex to get too full of himself.
?"You're a manipulative thing," James muttered disdainfully, glaring.
?Alex shrugged unapologetically. "You're the one who gave me such good advice, even though I never asked for it. I thought you'd be pleased."
?"Fuck you."
?James made his way to the door, wanting to push Alex out of his head for good, but he was stopped before he got there.
?"You'll have to ask the duke permission to go to Corbella," Alex called after him. "I'm a loyal dog, remember?"
?James sniffed, contemplating it. "Fine."
?He barged out the door and slammed it behind him, giving Alex a demonstration on how to appropriately deal with anger, even if Alex didn't deserve his careful consideration.
?The problem with giving a dog free-will was that they became cheekier and James would have to start being attentive to that. Alex was getting too bold with him.
?"Fuck you," he murmured again, to nothing.