XLII
James had been excessively quiet that morning and it had annoyed him to end.
Alex already had a lot on his mind, trying to work out what they were going to do about Prince Maurice, how Riley could affect their chances of getting into Korcaster's archives.
James was the last thing he wanted to think about.
"I came along to help with this," Riley had assured him, their horses pulled close to each other, "I always knew this was going to be dangerous. That's my job, my noblesse oblige."
Alex had thanked him for saying so, but it didn't make the task any simpler.
A part of him had meant what he'd told James; that sometimes he just wanted to murder everyone in this godforsaken kingdom.
With their deaths, he could finally be at peace, be unburdened.
Most of them would deserve it, that's for sure.
He'd envied that aspect of James, the sense of freedom, like he could spread his arms and let the wind guide his next adventure. Free.
But, Alex wasn't like that. He had people he needed to protect back home. Not all of the kingdom's people deserved death. It was a big place and there were many kind people in it. There were many children, who were yet to be tainted and stained by adults, pure souls. So, he couldn't let them die.
He doubted that his mindset came from selflessness, he knew he wasn't that good. A person without a meaning in life would often succumb to ennui and fall into to the sweet seduction of suicide. He needed the distraction to live.
"The Theos palace sounds like a bloodbath, right now," Alex remarked, feeling out the risk.
Riley didn't sugarcoat it. "It is. Luckily for us, Prince Maurice might be a murderous glutton, but he's no idiot. Even if you fuck up, Lord Alexander Chamberlain, he wouldn't kill you so brazenly. Despite your race."
Alex's race hadn't needed to be brought up. "And what about you?"
Riley shrugged with one of those signature fake smiles. "Occupational hazard."
Alex didn't like that answer. He didn't want to be responsible for any deaths, any spilling of blood would be his fault as the leader.
He glanced over his shoulder, at the rest of their small team; Thomas, Fletcher, James.
"They're at risk too," he said.
Riley scrutinised his face, seeking something. "Of course they are, no one was ever going to be safe there. James especially. Prince Maurice might recognise him."
"Is he really that recognisable?"
Riley tilted his head side to side, weighing it up.
"Yes and no. His colouring is very distinct, but people have long forgotten his existence.
He was a dead little boy from fifteen years ago, like many other dead little boys in history.
He was never that notable in the first place.
A prince, yes, but one prince of a dozen. I doubt he's on anyone's mind."
It sounded lonely; moving on from everyone you knew, them thinking you're dead, forgetting about you, stopped caring, like your person was fading with time. James would have had to witness that over the years, seeing the memory of him gradually disappear like he'd never lived in the first place.
Alex knew James had a mentor at one point in time, but other than that man, had he really ever touched reality? He was living as a lone ghost in a world that didn't recall him. It was tragic.
Yet, he never behaved rightfully heartbroken, nor had he sought revenge on the ones who had put him in that situation. He'd allowed it all with a quiet acceptance. Perhaps that was the price of feeling free, and Alex wasn't sure he envied it anymore.
The only reminder James would have gotten about himself was that stupid annual festival that was more like a slap in the face. Knowing what he did now, Alex felt disgusted by the nerve of King Fabian to do that.
"James said he'd never seen you before, was that a lie?" Alex asked.
"I honestly don't know," Riley admitted, "I know I've seen him. But, he'd never spared me a second glance. I think he just doesn't remember."
"But you remembered him?"
"He was very memorable," Riley put plainly. It was a strange answer.
"Memorable, how?"
Riley's tolerant and patronising smile didn't reach his eyes. "All royals are memorable."
Alex scoffed. "Not you, apparently," considering James didn't remember him.
"I'm not really a royal."
It was like talking to a wall. At least when James started to deflect like this, he softened it with humour.
Alex put a gap between them, marking the end of the discussion.
The air was warm, the sun passionate and keen.
Although low trees lined their path, the space was relatively open, so the light touched his skin.
It was lucky, because Alex's jacket was still wet from the night before and would have felt gross.
His hangover headache wasn't too bad either, the warmth cheering him up.
His good mood wavered though, he'd regretted calling James a coward.
"There are so many bees, I'm scared I'm going to get stung," he heard Fletcher say behind him.
For some reason, the buzzing had only gotten louder the further they got from town. Alex would've expected the opposite.
"They don't sting if you move slowly," Thomas told him.
Then, James chimed in with his endless wisdom. "They can smell fear, Fletcher. They're very territorial and they'll swarm you if you get anxious. Just don't worry— at all— and you'll be fine."
Fletcher made a noise resembling a strangled squeal. Alex felt himself smile.
"James," Thomas snapped at him in scolding. "Don't listen to him Fletch, he's winding you up."
Alex peered over his shoulder just in time to see James frown innocently, gesturing vaguely as if he was unsure why he was being told off. "I'm just concerned for him! Do you know how many people die from bees annually?"
"I won't fall for it, James," Fletcher said, defiantly. But, he eyed the insects warily.
"You should write a poem about them," James suggested, "make them kill Riley in it. It'll be your new most popular."
"Fuck off, cocksucker," Riley spat.
"Nice comeback, snake. You sure showed me. I sleep peacefully knowing I don't have to suck my own cock, you self-obsessed egomaniac."
"Big words aren't the only thing you like to wrap your mouth around," Riley sniped.
Thomas sighed, probably as fed up with the bickering as Alex was. Just one day of peace, was that too much to ask for?
"So you have nothing to worry about."
"And Alex does?"
James burst into laughter, his horse sidestepping in surprise.
"Do not bring me into this," Alex warned Riley, vexed.
"You fucking idiot," James wheezed, "you just made it sound like you've been checking Alex's size out! What a mug."
"That's not what I meant—" Riley tried to protest.
Alex groaned. "So help me, the next person to continue will make the rest of the way on foot. Is that clear?"
"Maybe we should just gag them both," Thomas suggested, seriously.
Riley smirked, about to say something, but Alex cut him off.
"Not a word."
Alex was still uncomfortable with the topic of homosexuality being brought up.
But, it seemed James was happy to take most of the scrutiny, taking the attention away from Alex.
It was likely that they had all somewhat caught on.
Admittedly, they hadn't done a very good job of hiding whatever it was that they are, they'd had bigger things to worry about.
"I won't seriously get swarmed, right?" Fletcher asked, unfazed by the fighting.
"Aren't you supposed to be the most intelligent man in the kingdom?" James questioned.
"Yeah, but not in bees."
Alex zoned them out, losing interest.
A sickness sunk in his gut as the path opened further, the sky stretching far above him, like a distant cave ceiling.
It was cloudless, stark, a piercing blue that dominated all else, giving way to a nasty sun in the stagnant hot air.
It was all he could notice. He felt like he was back working on the fields again.
Then, a flash of gold and red, his attention was snagged by James who trotted ahead, passing him. He tensed, wondering if James had caught wind of some kind of danger. James was looking around the scenery as if seeking something, but he didn't seem on edge, so Alex relaxed.
James gestured for him to get closer, Alex raised his eyebrows in question but James huffed in response, beckoning more insistently. So, after glance at the others, Alex said; "I'll be right back."
He pulled up next to James, a large few paces ahead of everyone else, out of quiet earshot.
James looked... good. Although tired, he was smiling pleasantly, almost delicately. It was a sincere expression, he could tell by the slight nervousness in his cherry eyes. It was a rare and precious sight, for his face to not be slapped with fake masks.
Alex fidgeted with his reins, unsure what to say. "You know this, but you'll have to change your eyes before we reach Korcaster."
The sincerity on James' face slipped, even if his expression didn't change, and Alex immediately regretted saying that.
"I won't tell you the ingredients for it, but I know it needs to be done," James confirmed.
Alex inwardly sighed. For some reason, the tenderness on James' face had knocked his mental balance and now he'd lost it. He wasn't used to being looked at like that.
James regarded him before looking away again. "You feeling alright?" he asked.
Alex was surprised, but only a single blink revealed that. "Why?"
"You looked grim."
After a beat passed, Alex took in the sky again, imagining the feeling of hot dirt against his bare feet, the baking skin, the feeling of cracking open a man's skull with a mattock, the bile that had soured his throat, knowing he had killed someone, and the sickly sweet pleasure that he still felt guilty about.
Murder was wrong, but that had been justice, and it had felt both disgusting and euphoric.
"Remembering the fields," he admitted.
Perhaps James had been surprised Alex had told him, or maybe he didn't care, because he didn't react more than a nod. Though, Alex supposed working a field was nothing compared to watching your brother kill everyone you love, only for people to then forget you too over the years.
"You know," Alex said, "I didn't really understand you before, at all. Your actions made zero sense to me, your behaviour, your personality, I didn't get it."
James raised his eyebrows. "And... what? Now you do?"
The words had been laced with sarcasm and Alex knew that what he said could've been misconstrued negatively.
"I won't know everything you've been through," Alex clarified, "the same way you don't for me. I just think I understand you a bit more, that's all."
James seemed to evaluate this in his head, judging whether it had been acceptable for Alex to say that. Finally, he must've decided it was okay, because he softened.
"I wouldn't bother trying to psychoanalyse me," James chuckled, "you'd have more success trying to untangle a ball of string that would stretch the whole length of the continent."
"And why do you think that?"
"My mentor used to like mind games," James explained, fondly, "he was very good at them— habits I picked up myself, admittedly. But, that's what he used to tell me; I was a tangle of string that stretched a continent."
It wasn't surprising, Alex had noticed James had a manipulative edge. Alex hadn't been sure whether James' mental meddling had been deliberate or not. "So, what do you think about me, then?"
"Huh?"
"Well, you're good at mind games, right? What do you think of me?"
Alex watched James' brain whir, thinking, calculating. He often wondered what James saw when he looked at him, did he see someone respectful, or did he see someone stupidly clinging onto a futile cause in the pathetic hope he was rewarded for it?
"I think you should remove the stick in your arse and replace it with something else."
Alex sighed. "Your intelligence is wasted on you, you think only with your dick."
"What can I say? You're my type."
"Brown?" The spiteful remark slipped out.
"Competent," James clarified, sternly, "you're competent.
I like that you're strong, I don't have to treat you delicately.
I admire your righteousness, your drive to save lives, to worry about kidnapped little boys, even though the kingdom doesn't treat you kindly in return.
You don't do it to receive thank yous, you do it because it's right. That's what I like."
It sounded deceptively like a confession.
But, Alex didn't take it to heart, even if his beat faster.
James had a bad habit of saying things that could be misconstrued like that and it was bad for his sanity.
At first, Alex had thought it was on purpose, yet another mind game, but now he blamed it on James' strangely unbalanced social ability.
He doubted James knew the effect his words had on him.
Alex again didn't know how to respond, but instead of saying something stupid, he decided to say nothing, lapsing into a silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable.
Fletcher and Thomas laughed about something behind them. He glanced back to see the two paying no attention to them. Riley, however, seemed to be.
"Oooh, I've been waiting to show you this!" James suddenly exclaimed.
Alex gave him his attention, confused. But, he was rendered speechless when he looked out to see the rolling of fields that their path had taken them to, around a wooded corner.
His lips parted in amazement, the sun had embellished the grass into a rich emerald colour, just as searing as the brightness of sky.
Wild flowers of red, yellow, white, and blue were generously and unrulily bunched across the fields, consistently and densely covering the meadow, unevenly placed.
The colours of the flowers would concentrate and strengthen where the ground creased and tilted, accentuating the wavering terrain.
The odd tree stood to shadow patches from the saturating light.
Thousands of bees tended the meadow, buzzing with low excitement.
There were dozens of man-made wooden hives in a rough grid, painted in various different colours and crude floral patterns, seemingly the handiwork of children.
Alex couldn't recall the last time he'd seen something so prismatic and vibrant.
"It's beautiful," he breathed out, unable to look away.
Even though the sky should have made him feel sick, the sight was so peaceful, so... safe. He felt comfortable and secure there.
"Right?" James hummed, "I thought you'd like it."
Alex tore his eyes away to look at the other man, enraptured by his soft smile, his eyes just as vivid as the red flowers, gazing out. "Why did you want to show me this?"
James met his gaze, there was something hesitant in it.
"You said the kingdom is shithole, right?
" James said, quiet and soft. "It is, but, I also think it's sad that you only experience the worst of it.
I want to show you the beauty that exists here too; the enriching culture of the common people with their wildflower meadows and their silly little dances.
There's a lot to hate, but there's so much to like as well. "
James closed his eyes and tilted his head back, seeming to enjoy the sun warming his face, savouring the pleasant smell of the fields.
Even if Alex could hear Fletcher in awe at the beautiful scenery behind him, it was background noise, he couldn't stop staring at James.
His breath was caught in his chest, his heart swollen, his eyes wide.
It was a strange mingle of emotions that had captured him wholly, knocking his composure, the kind that we wished he could avoid.
He couldn't deny it, James was beautiful.
"And why do you care?" Alex's voice was hardly above a whisper, too scared to break or encourage whatever it was that he was feeling; liking it, hating it.
James smiled again and opened his eyes, tilting his head to bore into Alex's soul. His voice was deep and smooth, attractive, convincing, the kind that made you want to do whatever it told you, the perfect con artist. "Because," he said, "I like you."
Alex's heart twisted, his hands and shoulders tensed. His heart rate was so fast it was worrying. Despite this, he couldn't avert his gaze. It took a moment for him to regain control of his breath. "You need to be more aware of how your words are received."
James' face creased in momentary amusement, but he gently shook his head. "That's the way I wanted you to interpret it."
Alex ducked his head, rubbing the back of his neck, staring at the way his horse's mane bounced with each step. His skin felt hot and his gut cold. He couldn't calmly evaluate what he'd been hearing.
He considered the meadow again, counting the different flower species. Alex hadn't been emotionally equipped for this, he didn't know what he wanted, what James wanted, nothing.
James didn't push him. They rode beside each other, silently, using the scenery as protection.
Finally, Alex spoke, unable to look at him still. "You like women. I know you do, I've seen it."
James snorted at this. "And what? You think I'd ever get married in my life? I'm not saying we should stay together forever or some dumb shit, I'm just telling you how I feel."
James' justification sounded so simple, so easy. But, life didn't work like that. "And what about when you become king and it becomes your duty to marry?"
"That's so far in the future," James replied vaguely, a little too quickly. "Look, I'm not even expecting an answer from you, okay? I'm just trying to be honest."
Alex tried to swallow down the dryness, his hands clammy. He looked at James then, but he appeared the same as usual, nothing looked different. He wasn't sure why he expected a change. "You really don't expect an answer?" he confirmed warily.
James shrugged like it truly didn't matter. Alex couldn't tell if James actually didn't feel anything, or if he was pretending for his sake.
"You owe me nothing," James told him, sincerely, "not an answer, not a rejection, nothing. My feelings will stay the same, and I'll continue trying to show you pretty things, for as long as you let me. No expectations."
"And what about you?" For James to take all the burden, it must've felt sad.
"Are you worrying about me?" James joked.
"I am."
James' humour stuttered and then stopped. He rolled his shoulders awkwardly, trying to compose himself internally. "I'm fine, Alex. I always am, always will be. I'm going to do what I want to do, and you can tell me to stop if you don't like it."
Alex wasn't convinced by that answer. James was selfish by nature, it wasn't like him to be self-sacrificial. Perhaps James didn't think that his emotions were any of Alex's business and that was why he was being cagey. He was an unpredictable man, so there was no telling what it was.
So, Alex nodded, even if he wanted to prod more. He didn't have a right to dig when he was the source of the emotional weight.
James smiled in relief and then looked behind them, becoming jittery. "If that's that, I'm going to wind Fletcher up some more. I'll leave you to it."
A moment passed where neither man said anything, so James chuckled at himself and the awkwardness, and then finally stopped his horse so he could fall back to the rest of them.
Alex attention drifted back out at the flowers, lost in thought.
His answer should have been obvious and immediate.
It was one thing to fuck around and flirt a little, but it was another to be more.
They had too much danger to focus on to get caught up in something so minor, something so fleeting.
Yet, Alex hadn't been able to bring himself to tell James that he didn't like him back, because he wasn't sure it was true.
He didn't want James to stop, not really.
Even though it was unfair to keep James in limbo, he couldn't answer one way or the other. He was sorry.
He was stuck.