XLIII
True to his word, James didn't bring his confession up again that day.
In fact, he behaved like he'd never said anything at all.
The only thing that was strange was James' insistence of getting off his horse every half an hour to dig up some kind or root or pick some kind of flower.
Alex was under the assumption that this was to fix his eyes, but James was a paranoid man, he doubted James needed most of the things he had collected.
?It was something that Riley had seemed very concerned with. "What are you making, a bouquet?" he'd asked sarcastically.
?James had sneered in response, but remained abnormally mute.
?Tensions had been steadily heightening, just like the terrain.
They were getting closer to their destination, the danger, and they could feel it thinning the air, clinging to the sweat that stuck to their skin.
Fletcher had seemed to be taking it the hardest, he wasn't like the rest of them, he wasn't equipped to handle such pressure.
?James had accrued the brunt of Fletcher's anxious hovering.
The first time James had tried digging up some roots with his bare hands, Fletcher had ranted angrily, much to everyone's surprise.
He'd tolerated Fletcher cleaning the dirt off his palms before wrapping them in so many layers of bandages that they resembled paws.
?"You need to protect against infection," Fletcher had insisted.
?James hadn't seemed convinced. "Do you know how much dirt, blood, rot, and filth these sore hands have come into contact with in the last fifteen years?"
?Fletcher narrowed his eyes at this. "And how many times have they been infected?"
?"Well, they've never needed amputating yet," James insisted hesitantly.
?By some miracle, James had kept his cool throughout the day. Alex supposed it wasn't something to be surprised about. Even if James could be snappy, his career as an assassin had dictated he needed patience.
?By the time they'd finally decided to set up camp, the air moistening as it became darker, Fletcher had burned through a significant amount of their medical supplies.
?James sat on a log, neutrally, as Fletcher kneeled in front of him, refreshening the bandages for the fourth time that day.
They were a little off the path, sheltered by trees that were growing out of a cliff face, and blocking their view of the sky.
The steep rocks were blanketed in a fuzz of ivy and ferns, birds came and went from small crevices and gaps, their nests hidden away.
?Most importantly, up against the cliff was a small crumbling stone cottage, long abandoned and roofless, a skeleton of what it used to be. The wind had picked up as they'd climbed in altitude, so the walls would do well in protecting them from the night's chill.
?"Don't use any more of our medical supplies," Alex told the scholar, "we might need them tomorrow."
?Fletcher glared at him. "We need them now. James is hurt, and just because he's used to it doesn't mean it can be neglected. You need to consider him more sensitively, Lord Alex, he's not indestructible."
?Alex supposed that was true, and he felt guilty for believing otherwise. It was hard to remember James was a mortal like the rest of them. If those wounds had been on anyone else, he wouldn't have said what he had.
?James didn't seem to care either way, but Alex reckoned he felt touched by the sentiment deep down. He was a more emotional man than he liked to claim.
?"Why is it so bad anyway?" Riley asked as he walked by, peeping at the one that had yet to be rebandaged.
He had a faggot of sticks in his hands, returning from the denser woods downhill.
He dumped it into an unceremonious pile on the ground and brushed his hands together to get the dirt off. He seemed arrogantly proud of his haul.
?Thomas turned his head away from the horses. "What?"
?Riley gestured vaguely in James' direction. "His skin."
?"Yours don't get like this?" James questioned. It sounded curious, but Alex reckoned he was fishing again.
?Riley splayed his fingers and held up both palms as proof. "Granted, I've hidden my relics and haven't used them for quite some time, but you can hardly notice anything."
?Out of interest, Alex approached him to get a closer look. There was a slight discolouration in Riley's skin but it was barely noticeable. James, however, looked like he'd set his on fire ten times over. The difference was stark.
?James scrutinised Riley's face, not his hands. "Them?"
?"What?"
?"You said 'relics' and 'them'," James pointed out, "do you have more than one?"
?Riley snapped his mouth shut, blinking rapidly, as if he was in deep panic. "I didn't say that."
?"We all heard it." James persisted, obediently allowing Fletcher to wrap up his other paw. "You don't have to tell us, man, but I'm probably the only person on this planet that you can talk to about this. So, keep that in mind."
?Riley seemed to consider this. "I want to know why your hands are so much worse," he said, finally.
?James nodded. "Okay. Let's trade, then."
?A pull of something unpleasant punched Alex square in the chest. It felt acidic and anxious, like an injustice had befallen him. It happened so suddenly that it left him with a sour aftertaste of confusion.
?Riley cleared his throat and began putting the fire together, likely in an effort to displace some nervous energy.
Alex knew he should be doing something productive too but, for some reason, he couldn't bring himself to remove himself from this discussion.
He stood there uselessly, a wariness of Riley taking root.
?"My relics are twins," Riley told them, uncertainly. He kept glancing around. "They come as a pair of daggers. One deposits a poison into someone's body, the other activates it; Hyll and Nau. I have to cut someone with both of them, in the right order, for it to work."
?James hummed in appreciation. It was a noise Alex normally liked. "How potent?"
?Riley grinned, it almost looked sincere. "Very. Dead within ten minutes."
?"Is there an incubation period?"
?"Not that I know of— which isn't much, admittedly. I'm also not sure if there's a time limit of how quickly I need to use Nau after Hyll. I've never had the opportunity to experiment, for obvious reasons."
?Fletcher leaned back on his heels, chuffed with his work. He then sat next to James, interested in the discussion. Perhaps he'd relay this conversation back to Ino once her bird returned.
?James thumbed Eris fondly. "I'm almost jealous now."
?Jealousy wasn't an emotion Alex was familiar with, he never had the luxury to feel that way. If he had, he probably would've gone on a murder spree out of envious rage by now. He deserved to.
?"To be honest, I thought it would have made more sense if our relics were swapped around," Riley remarked. "Poison daggers for the assassin and the sword for the noble knight. Only Adeia knows how they decide these things though."
?"Moira," Fletcher corrected, but Riley wasn't privy to Ino's theory anyway, so he just looked confused.
?"Definitely would have made some of my jobs easier," James agreed, "but, I wouldn't give up Eris for the world. The reason she burns me so hard is because she's protecting me—" James tapped his temple, "right here."
?It was uttered with an unaffected disposition, but Alex knew how disturbed James had been over finding out Eris messed with his head. It was intrusive and uncomfortable.
?"Is she able to cure your cocksucking ways?" Riley sniped, and the decency of the exchange ended there. Clearly, the truce had been only temporary.
?"Does your wife know you think about dudes sucking cock so much?"
?"My wife is one of the prince's people."
?"I didn't ask, snake."
?Alex hadn't known Riley was married at all. "How did you know he had a wife?" he asked James. Had they been having conversations that Alex wasn't aware of?
?James regarded Alex curiously, probably picking up on the weird mood, not understanding why this was important, of all things.
?"He indicated it in his conservative babble," James told him.
?Riley groaned out of frustration. "She's my wife on paper only. I can't trust her, and I sure as hell don't love her. We've always lived apart."
?"Good for her." James quipped.
?"I'm being serious here."
?James rolled his eyes, clearly growing bored.
By James' own admission, he wasn't the marrying type, he probably didn't care for conversations relating to romantic partners.
Alex found this strange though. James certainly had a romantic streak within him, even if he was unaware of this, he was thoughtful in showing Alex pretty scenes in efforts to make him happier.
It was probably the most romantic favour anyone had bestowed on him.
?The fire finally caught, Riley blew soft air onto the small flame to fuel it, unable to continue his bickering as he concentrated. James' hair caught the orange glow, looking like pure gold, a contrast to the turquoise sky above, purple creeping up on one side.
?Without a parting, James stood, hiked his bag over his shoulder, and began to walk into the forest.
?"Where are you going?" Fletcher asked.
?James grumbled before saying; "Just a piss, leave me be."
?With his bag?
?No one else seemed willing to call him out on it, or maybe they didn't care enough to notice. Weirder still, he went in the direction parallel to the cliff, maybe he was seeking to get higher ground?
?Alex grit his teeth. Since when had he become so concerned with every word and every twitch of a finger that James made?
He wasn't normally like this, his mind focused on the job, his goals.
Even if someone had caught Alex's fancy, it'd hardly be a distraction; he would maybe look once, sometimes twice, let his eyes linger, and then forget about them without issue.
James was gorgeous, an intrusion, and Alex just kept looking.
?"I'm going to follow him," he announced to the men.
?Riley smiled sarcastically at the news. "Of course you are." It didn't beg a serious response.
?"You can hold down the fort," he told Thomas, "I shouldn't be long."
?He made off in the direction where James had disappeared, hastily, not wanting to lose track of the elusive man. Through the gaps between darkening trees, he caught a glimpse of gold, and he followed it like a feathery-winged creature reaching for the sun.
?James knew Alex was there, that much was obvious. Despite the assassin normally being entirely silent, here he was making noise, as if egging Alex on. He could never catch up with him though, no matter how hard he tried.
?His suspicions about James heading uphill were proved correct.
When Alex glanced behind him the incline became obvious, their direction changing to hike up a shallower face.
Finally, they reached a clearing. A few rocks were stacked up in the centre, placed by man, marking the highest point of the hill.
A cliff dropped on the other side, above all trees, providing an open view of the world.
?James stood in the middle of it, his back turned, and Alex waited, his breathing deep but slow and controlled. Then, James slowly made his way to the edge. Alex instinctively rushed forward, his heart racing, but something stopped him in his tracks, freezing him.
?James' head was tilted back, looking up at the sky.
The heavens had become a dark purple, brightening at the horizon where it lightened into a ginger glow.
A blur of stark crimson clouds sat below the orange in the distance, like a block of colour, lining the hills beyond them.
It was a beautiful sight, but Alex felt somewhat ill by it. It looked too soft.
?This was something James did almost every morning and evening; he snuck away to take in the gloomy dawn and fiery sunset. There was something funereal and worrying about it.
?Then, James dropped to the ground, sitting on the edge, his legs dangling down. Alex had flinched, his heart lurching, thinking James had been falling off. But, he hadn't.
?James kicked out his feet, staring at his boots in front of the backdrop of hills and distant lights. Alex felt rooted to the ground.
?Something was stuck in his throat. But, he finally found his voice.
?"Do you want to die?" he asked.
?Sometimes it felt that if Alex tried to reach out for James, the man would disappear.
He'd stand up, turn around to face him, head on, looking him in the eye, and then walk backwards, falling away.
And, as James sat on the cliff's edge, Alex had to hold himself back, too scared to approach.
The balance of life was so delicate that Alex was scared to breathe too hard, worried he could knock it over and smash it like a vase.
?James glanced back at him, but his gaze didn't stay for long. After only a moment, he stared out at nothing, his posture deceptively relaxed.
?"Sometimes I feel tired," he admitted. "I don't long to die..." he hesitated, his face soft, "but, sometimes I want to rest. And, for someone like me, dying is the only option I'd have."
?James looked at him again then, his eyes creasing in pain as he smiled slightly.
?"I'm tired, Alex."
?"Don't go," was what left Alex's mouth.
?James shook his head, with a wry but confused amusement. "Go? Sometimes I don't understand what you're saying."
?Alex didn't believe him.
?James patting the ground next to him was all the permission Alex needed to finally move.
He tentatively walked forward, pausing once he got to the edge, wondering what to do.
He then sat with his legs over the edge, reflective of James.
It had crossed his mind that sitting like this would make it easy for James to kill him, the way down looked rocky and steep.
He trusted James enough though, and he hoped his action conveyed that.
?"Did you know this spot too?" Alex asked, admiring the sights.
?Below them, in the trough of the hills was a glitter of yellow lights. It looked small from here, but Korcaster was no small place. It was home to tens of thousands of people.
?"I haven't been this close to the capital since I was a kid," James mused, "too many knights, too many nobles. This place is a plague for me."
?Alex had already guessed that. He gestured around him, "so, this?"
?"Coincidence." James shrugged. "Pretty though, isn't it?"
?"Romantic," Alex agreed.
?There was a lapse of conversation, so they sat in silence for a while, watching the world become black, if not for the polluting light of the capital.
?"I won't be offended if you'd rather pretend I never said it."
?Alex could only see the silhouette of James' face. He considered James' offer, but it was too soon for him to make a decision on the matter. It was sad that James would say something like that in the first place. He truly had no hope.
?"This isn't a good time to talk about this," Alex replied, mustering up a soft tone.
?James chuckled quietly, but there wasn't a single hint of humour in it. "There's no such thing as a good time for anything. Life is fleeting, it ends unexpectedly. All that exists is now and before."
?Alex smiled at the inconsistency. "Sounds philosophical."
?"Don't insult me."
?James may claim otherwise, but he was a very thoughtful and philosophical man. It was endearing that he insisted against it; cute, even.
?Alex decided he'd entertain the conversation after all. "So, how was I supposed to trust that you weren't joking?"
?"You can't," James put simply.
?Yet, James hadn't thrown him off this cliff. It was a low bar to scale, but James had been a routinely dependable force to rely on since he'd decided to stay. In his own twisted way, he was trustworthy, and he'd never let Alex down.
?Alex was starting to believe that James just didn't know himself as well as he thought he did, his own self-image corrupted. James must see a very different man in the mirror than the one Alex saw in front of him. Both couldn't be correct. He wondered which one of them was right.
?"You never make anything easy," Alex remarked.
?"Life isn't easy, it's—"
?James had stopped talking suddenly, but Alex didn't say anything, his smile widening.
?"Shut up," James huffed.
?Alex laughed, something pleasant washing through and cleansing him.
?"Yeah, yeah. Call me out for being philosophical, or whatever," James challenged him, "Doesn't change the fact I'm right."
?"I don't mean to make fun of you," Alex said as neutrally as he could manage.
?"The fuck you didn't."
?The mood gradually sobered again, and Alex belatedly realised James was still waiting for an answer to his offer.
?"I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen," he promised, "but, I'm not going to answer it until I have an answer to give."
?He knew he should let go of James now, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
?At one point, Alex had considered going along with James' feelings, returning them, so that he could cling to James' power once he was crowned.
But, that would've been too dishonest of him.
He cared for James too much to take advantage of him in such a way, even though he knew James would've let him do so.
He knew it was also selfish to lead James on in this way by making him wait, but he supposed he was selfish enough for that to be his final choice.
?"That's cruel," James remarked, though he didn't sound upset at all.
?"It's honest," Alex contradicted. He truly did not have an answer yet.
?"Often synonymous."
?"Riley would take issue with you using such a big word."
?James sniffed. "Well, he's not wrong. I like putting my mouth around big things."
?Alex tried smiling in humour, but he wasn't in the mood for that sort of thing just then, despite the temptation of it. He tried not to imagine it too hard.
?"Your mentor," Alex said, instead. He announced it like his question needed forewarning. "You said he'd been murdered. Did you ever get revenge for him?"
?It was something Alex had wondered for a while. James seemed wholly disinterested in the concept, but not from a lack of resentment. Alex, himself, always held a vengeance that he remembered, he couldn't imagine living without such a desire.
?James seemed to struggle internally with the question. "I was the one who killed him, truthfully." he confessed.
?Alex's mind blanked from the revelation, the words caught in his mouth. That wasn't what he'd expected. James talked about that man fondly, not with disdain like he did about King Fabian.
?"But, why?"
?"Well, I didn't know too much about him," James explained, tapping his fingers in a slow metronomic rhythm, "but he'd once told me he'd been a knight before he had taken over for the Jay before him.
I don't know what their relationship had been, or how he'd come to possess the title.
But, we'd been working some jobs together, and he kept recognising the names of the people he'd been requested to kill.
It was bait, obviously. He knew this, but he was an idiot, he did the jobs anyway, and it had become increasingly obvious that his past was catching up with him. "
?James paused, reminiscing. "We had to flee our last job because they had been waiting for him.
They'd shot him, and they knew his identity.
In the end, the only way for 'Jay' to continue, and for me to survive, was for me to murder him and frame it as the real Jay's killing. He told me to do it, and so I did."
?To kill a loved one because they ordered you to, the guilt must have felt heavy on James' shoulders.
Alex could recall killing his lover, even though it had been a decade since then, the shame and regret still stung, and that was over someone who had betrayed him.
It seemed like James' mentor had committed no sin like that.
?"I'm sorry for your loss," Alex murmured. It was pathetic he couldn't think of anything better to say.
?He couldn't see James' expression.
?"You're the first person I've told about him, you know," James admitted, quietly.
?This surprised him, even though it shouldn't. "Really?"
?"Yeah... For the longest time, I've been the only one who could remember him.
That thought comes and goes, but as time passes, I think about him less often, and it makes me sad.
I don't want to forget the people I love but I find it increasingly difficult to remember their faces.
Sometimes I think— if I died, who would think of him? "
?"Is that the reason you live?"
?James pressed his shoulder against Alex's, a heavy and cosy weight. "I don't have a deeper meaning like that. I live because I was born."
?"For that reason alone?"
?James shrugged. "Isn't that reason enough?"
?No. Alex didn't think so. The idea that you had to walk because you had legs was prone to tiredness.
What was the point of exhausting yourself, aimlessly, if you could sit down instead?
Alex was a believer that one needed a destination in order to keep going.
It was worrying that James didn't have one.
?"Do you want me to look for his identity for you?" Alex asked, "He'll probably be mentioned in your files..."
?James didn't take time to think about it, he shook his head. "No, I don't want to know those things. I knew the 'him' that he let me know, the one he showed me, that's all that matters."
?Alex gently pushed back against James' weight to convey he understood. Nothing was said for a moment, and then James suddenly stood, the warmth on Alex's shoulder cooling.
?"At least now, if I die, my mentor will have you to remember him in my stead."
?He didn't like that James was even entertaining the possibility of death so nonchalantly, but he didn't want to deny the subtle request. If it made James feel better, he wouldn't contradict it.
?"Let's get going," James said, "tomorrow we'll be in Korcaster. Fletcher is probably terrified right now."
?Alex allowed James to help him up, feeling an unexpectedly soft grip on his hands, realising James still had the bandages on. Alex found it endearing, the lonely assassin was making friends. He'd never say this out loud, though.
?James linked his arm around Alex's, huddling close. The closeness didn't make him nervous, he felt tickled, warm inside.
?"Since I got us here, you can take us back," James insisted.
?Alex smiled, even though James wouldn't be able to see it.
?"I'll lead you back," he promised.