LII
Thomas watched the two men work.
He sat at the foot of Fletcher's bed, hoping his silent presence could offer some comfort to the scholar. Alex hadn't given him any further orders once he'd settled, so he assumed his superior approved.
Thomas wasn't a very intelligent man, nor was he passionate— this, he knew. He wouldn't be of any help scouring the files for any answers, but he was valuable in that he would never lie to his team. He liked to believe that this would be enough.
Whilst Alex was at the desk, James had moved around, erratically like a moth. He'd gone from his bed, to the window sill, to sitting on the floor, where he currently was. Thomas took notice of the way Alex's eyes would routinely follow the other man, trying to read him.
"Did you just find something?" Alex asked.
Thomas found it interesting. James' face had shown no change to him, just as cryptic as it always had been. Yet, Alex saw something.
"Just a name I recognise," James assured him. "It's weird to think these people are still alive."
Thomas was creeped out by the comment, his brows furrowing. He didn't think he was scared of death, but he couldn't treat the idea with such sincerely callous carelessness as James could.
Instead of disgust, Alex's gaze seemed to linger, unbeknownst to James, with what appeared to be sympathy.
Thomas wanted to scoff. A charming psycho, indeed. It wasn't right to say that James had Alex wrapped around his pinkie, but he certainly had a foot beyond the impenetrable wall that Alex had understandably erected. Alex had been charmed, whether he liked it or not.
"Why wouldn't they be alive?" Thomas challenged, experimentally.
James didn't spare him a glance, his attention on the pages in his hands. He didn't take notes like Alex did, going through each document in no particular order, and Thomas wondered how seriously James was taking the situation.
"Because I haven't seen them for some time," James replied.
But, why would that mean they're dead?
Thomas simply couldn't understand him.
Just as Riley had advised him the night before, perhaps he shouldn't bother trying. He didn't like that his boss was so wrapped up in James' manipulative ways, but it wasn't as if Alex was innocent either. It might've been better to leave them be so they could find their own equilibrium.
Thomas patted Fletcher's leg through the covers.
"Hey, want to come to the temple with me?" he asked gently.
Fletcher's body moved but there was no response and Thomas sighed. Riley had snapped out of his slump earlier, but it seemed they'd pushed Fletcher too far in Korcaster.
"Why?" a little mousy voice responded.
Thomas tried to dampen the excitement from his voice. "You're in Athel's Lynn, Fletcher; the birthplace of Adeia. You told us before that you wished to travel the kingdom..."
Fletcher poked his head out, thinking. Then, he nodded.
As Fletcher dressed, Alex and James knew not to make a big deal out of it and kept their heads buried in paper. For this, Thomas was grateful.
"You're not allowed to tell me to be quiet this time," Fletcher warned him, pointing in tired accusation.
Thomas didn't hesitate to agree.
"Also," Fletcher went on, "this lake is the birthplace of Moira, too. Whether you like Him or not, He saved Her."
Even though Thomas' moral being was rejecting even the idea of Moira, he smiled and nodded.
It was a story older than the kingdom itself.
Adeia created life and birth, she is the mother of all of them.
But, without an end, they multiplied and starved, living in agony for eternity.
She created Her brother, sometimes believed to be Her lover, Moira, so that the people could eat corpses, soothing their pain.
Fletcher believed Moira invented the death of humans out of mercy, whilst Thomas believed it was vengeful. How could Thomas feel happy about a God who took the people they loved away from them?
But, if it got Fletcher out of bed, he was willing to play along.
In the corridor, they crossed paths with Riley, who was in a rush.
"Easy," Thomas scolded him after Fletcher was almost pummeled.
Riley didn't apologise. "We got a reply," he informed them, waving a small slip of paper in his hand.
"Already? That was quick."
"Right?" Riley agreed.
He pushed his way into the room, the door slamming shut.
Fletcher looked after him, slightly dazed. "Will they need my help?" he asked, "I could go back..."
Thomas hesitated but ultimately waved the suggestion off. Between Alex, Riley and James, they would be able to sort it out themselves. Thomas was getting tired of being away from his family, he wasn't feeling generous.
"They're fine," he said, "I want you to tell me about Athel's Lynn, I think that's more important."
Fletcher smiled weakly. "Okay."
? ? ?
James clicked his tongue at the intruder's appearance. It would've been a good time to seduce Alex if he'd been given the space. He might've had a chance.
"Normally they're not this organised," Alex mused in surprise, but he took the letter from Riley, ensuring the small envelope was unopened.
James waited, pretending to be bored, for Alex to finish reading the thing.
James had severely overestimated his visual health.
After the first few pages of reports, a migraine had begun to pierce his skull, lurking behind his eyes.
The room was too dark, whilst outside was too bright.
More than colour, it seemed even adjusting to light was a challenge once his eyes became tired enough.
Reading had eventually become painful for him.
He needed to hide this weakness but it was becoming difficult.
Alex frowned. "Harrison is going to be here tomorrow."
This caught James' attention. "Why would King William's primary advisor come here?"
Alex rubbed his face, blinking away the weariness. "It doesn't say."
"How helpful."
"I can't think why," Riley said, equally puzzled. "It would've made more sense for the duke to come."
Alex sighed, rereading the slip. "But, even then, why?"
It wasn't like James knew either. King William and Duke Chamberlain were making some very strange movements. It didn't help that they refused to give Alex all the information. Maybe Alex could work on blind faith but James certainly wasn't up for the task.
Though, it did seem like Alex was changing somewhat.
Riley shuffled his feet. "Did you find anything out about Llwyd?"
Alex scrunched the paper in his hands and dropped it onto the candle flame by his side, the paper burning. James felt a sharp pain in his head as he watched it, his eyes screwing shut against his will and a hand coming up to his temple.
There was only a moment of tense silence, but it was enough to prompt James to casually stand up and sit on the window sill. He gripped the frame firmly to keep his hands distracted and obedient.
"What was that?" Alex asked him.
James blinked slowly, as if confused by the accusation. His temple throbbed and pulsed, his eye almost twitching if he hadn't kept his gaze steady by sheer determination alone.
He'd now also piqued Riley's creepy interest, two sets of green and brown eyes stalking him, surveying him for weaknesses. Inwardly, James bristled at the threat.
"I thought you were going to talk about the snake's cousin," James said.
The bait worked in distracting Riley, but not the other.
Alex quickly dismissed the diversion. "I'm more interested in what you're hiding from me."
It felt dangerous.
James tapped a finger against the wooden sill, tempted to lean back and fall away. Maybe he could go create a scene or a mess for Alex to clear up, forcibly make the man forget.
Alex's gaze darted to the fidget and James knew his plan had been found out. He hated how perceptive Alex was, it frustrated him, it was threatening.
Should I just run...?
No, not yet. King William was unpredictable and Riley was vindictive. There was no doubt his secret would maliciously spread across the kingdom if he fled without bribing them. He didn't forget why he was in this mess in the first place.
"I hate you," James said, sincerely.
Alex did not appear affected by this. "You said you had feelings for me."
"One of them is hatred."
"I don't believe you."
James glared then. He let every morsel of loathing and resentment show, how he hated being dragged along by mere insects who thought they were bigger than they were. They meant nothing.
"Are you injured?" Alex persisted, unphased. "This clearly isn't an Eris issue."
"You're all just waiting for me to go crazy," James snapped. "Do you find it fun?"
James wasn't stupid, he'd seen the way Alex's gaze had changed. At some point during the day, Alex had started to regard him with suspicion and wariness, scrutinising him.
James knew he didn't have the right to be upset. If Alex trusted him, he would've looked down on the other man because of it. But, he hated it.
How could James prove his sincerity whilst also condescending the idea of Alex believing him?
Words meant nothing, they were a tool to influence people, and they both knew that.
James tried to reach out in other ways, but his actions had eluded Alex, the other man not understanding. How could he get Alex to understand?
This was why James was terrified of connection, they got too close. James hadn't realised how thirsty he'd been until Alex's presence spilt on the sandy plain like an oasis. He didn't want to remember companionship.
He'd also remember loneliness.
"I find it fun," Riley smiled.
"More or less fun than drinking?" James retorted.
"James," Alex said, patiently. "You're like a cornered animal. Calm yourself. If you're injured I'll fix you up, okay?"
It felt like James' head was splitting open, like someone had pierced it with an axe. It was taking all his concentration to not wince or tense in reaction. He wasn't sure how much longer he could manage.
He grabbed his sword from his bed next to the window, before falling out, catching himself, and fleeing quickly. Riley called after him, but Alex didn't.
It was so bright it was like looking directly into the sun, the white searing into eyes, feeding his suffering. He could hardly see where he was going, but he had to leave, relying on his memory and the little slither of vision he could force himself to bear.
Was this physical or mental? At some point, the lines had blurred.
James flailed, his foot falling deeper than the ground, splashing in water. He cursed, stepping back, panting heavily. He cocked his head to listen, but no following footsteps. He was alone.
He could hardly feel relieved when he was in so much pain.
His face hot, he splashed the lake water onto it whilst on his knees, trying to cool it. It felt better with his eyes closed, so he kept them shut, curling forward so he could block the light from hitting his eyelids. It was more comfortable.
He remained still for a long while, his body tense as he waited for the pain to subside, willing for darkness. Gradually, it ebbed, and he breathed out a long shaky breath, relaxing.
Reading so much had been a mistake, he'd remember that.
In his sightless world, he breathed in the cool beauty of the lake, the small watery folds splashing gently, fish disturbing the surface with their tails, and birds fwomping the air as they launched for flight. It sounded pretty, peaceful.
He laid back on the grass, enjoying the earthy smell, the firmness.
Beauty was more than what one could see. It was said that the Gods were born here and he could believe it. This area felt special, the peace soaking into his soul.
It was inevitable that someone would eventually look for him though, and disturb the divine tranquility. He recognised the gait before the man revealed himself.
"It's pretty," is what Alex said.
James smiled pathetically. He was sure it was.
"Who cares?"
"You do," Alex said, "isn't that why you went out of your way to show me the beauty that exists in this kingdom? You thought I'd like it."
"So you weren't that dense after all," James responded.
"Sometimes it takes me a while to notice," Alex confessed, "but, you're not exactly clear about these things."
James didn't need to reply to that. It was a stupid thing for them to talk about anyway.
Alex cautiously stepped closer, the light on James' eyelids dimming, becoming dark. It was comfortable for him, so he didn't punish the other man for crossing the line.
"You're the one who told me not to trust you," Alex reminded him.
"I'd look down on you if you did," James confirmed.
"So, why do you keep begging me to?"
James didn't have a response for that, not one that Alex would believe. How could he explain something he didn't understand himself?
He felt the light return to his face, listening to the rustle of Alex taking a careful seat beside him.
"Why won't you tell me what's wrong?" Alex tried. "If you're hurt then it's my job to treat you."
Right, it was Alex's job, not genuine care. Alex only cared about his career, nothing more. James was simply a part of that task for the time being.
"James," Alex prompted, insistent.
James sighed. "How could I trust you with my weaknesses when you don't even trust me?"
It was ridiculously contradictory and hypocritical, James was aware of that. But, the last time Alex had caught one of James' weaknesses, Eris, it had been used as a tool to control him. He didn't think it was unreasonable to keep secrets when they'd been misused in the past.
"Weaknesses," Alex echoed. He scoffed. "You must think I'm a real bastard if that's your concern. What the Hell do you want from me?"
"It's not personal," James insisted. "You only think I'm shallow anyway."
"It works both ways, James," Alex said. "How can I think of you as anything but shallow when you try to earn my trust whilst you're so blatantly wary of my intentions?"
"So, we're at an impasse, then."
"It seems we are."
Neither wanted to cross that line first because they would have everything to lose by doing so.
James inwardly sighed. He was putting Alex in an impossible situation. Alex would never make that first step, not because of his own choice but because, as far as he was concerned, he had the lives of thousands relying on him. James only had his own being at risk.
He thumbed Eris.
Yes, Alex had stolen Eris from him before.
But, they hadn't mattered to each other at that point.
Maybe he should forgive him for that. Alex had brought James back to reality whilst he thought he'd been dying in an alley over some play and he'd never asked for gratitude for the act, he'd had the kindness to not bring it up again.
Where others would accuse James of being insane, Alex treated him as a genuine equal.
James had felt safe as he'd been embraced, like he would be protected from the world that assessed him with such hostility.
"If you can't trust me," James said, "what if I asked you to trust my sincerity?"
"Sincerity?"
"Yes. I won't say I'll never lie again and I won't say I'll never mislead you— but, I could promise that I'll never do something that would harm you. Would you trust that?"
"And that'll make you trust me in return?"
"I'll certainly try to," James answered honestly.
Alex didn't respond right away but that was to be expected.
James hadn't given him an easy request but it was the best compromise he could think of.
There were no guarantees for either of them, it wasn't the safest gamble for them to make, but it was the only way James could see their relationship progressing.
He wanted it to progress, he had no one else.
"You showed me nice things because you wanted me to feel happy," Alex said.
"Yes," James confirmed.
"You say snide things because you think it'll stop people from offending me in the future."
"Yes."
"Yet, you don't get revenge when it concerns your brother."
James thinned his lips. "No."
"Why?"
James tried to squint his eyes open then, looking up to his side, seeing Alex watching him. The headache throbbed, so he quickly closed them again. He was at a weakness in this situation, not being able to read Alex, having to rely on blind faith.
"I don't know him anymore," James attempted to explain, "I knew him as a twelve-year-old boy with a temper. But, a genocidal tyrant whose greed would kill thousands? That's not my brother, that's a stranger in his chair."
"Do you still love him?" Alex asked.
The question was an agonising one, knocking him in the chest, needing to gasp for air. Love? He wasn't sure he'd felt such a thing in his memory. The closest thing he'd had to love was his obsession for Eris but she didn't love him either. The idea felt fake.
A part of him had killed his brother the same day as his parents had died.
If he saw the man in front of him today, would he feel that sick familiarity he associated with his parents' ghosts, or would the man be nothing more than a stranger to him?
Maybe he'd feel like yet another corrupt and evil noble.
"I don't know," James admitted, quietly.
Fabian wasn't someone he'd thought about for a very long time.
It wasn't until Alex and King William had started to control him that he remembered who he was— where he'd come from.
Even now, he wasn't fully convinced they got the right person, maybe James' childhood had been a delusion, just another mentally ill orphan.
He didn't want to believe his brother had tried to kill him. There could've been a mistake, he thought. He wished it was all a delusion, a coincidence, that would ease his heart.
"Question," Alex said.
James huffed a laugh. Alex was sly, too sly. James couldn't decline when he was the one begging.
"Go."
"I've asked you before why you never touched King Fabian... why?"
He hated this question, more than he hated Alex.
"I wasn't sure he was truly my brother," James replied.
"I thought I might have remembered wrong.
" He chuckled bitterly, somehow feeling close to tears, even though he wasn't capable of crying.
"It's stupid, isn't it?" he murmured, "even now, I wonder if I'm just a random person, that everyone is mistaken about me, including myself. "
James wasn't just scared of going crazy, he was scared he already was.
It felt like the world was going through time at a different pace to him, like he was an intruder on the surface. No one knew who he was and, eventually, he'd forgotten himself too.
A cool hand feathered on James' head, tentative, hesitant, but certain. It soothed the pain and James very slightly pushed into the touch. It moved, stroking the hair away from his face, gently pushing it back.
His heart thumped heavily, shaking him up inside. He had to open his eyes. He gazed up at Alex, even though he looked so bright it stung; regarding the pained, tender and sad expression. These were emotions reserved for him; him alone. James was touching Alex's soul, and Alex was soothing his.
"Question," James whispered, mouth dry
Alex nodded.
"Do you like me?"
Alex smiled with a heavy brow, sighing on a breath.
He leaned down and James felt the warmth on his lips, their mouths sealing together, soft.
It wasn't hungry, it was something more aching, laced with delicate care.
It wasn't the kind of kiss James was familiar with, but it hurt.
It felt vulnerable, telling, it filled an emptiness he wasn't aware was there.
Alex's hands brushed his face, with the faintness you'd treat fragile glass, like it was a precious treasure that would so easily crack.
James was ruined. His chest was being crushed. He wouldn't be able to forget loneliness again, not anymore, not after this.
Alex pulled away, and James watched, no matter how much his head ached, it hurt no more than his heart did.
"You make me sad," Alex said softly.
"Why?" James asked, but his voice was breathy and shaky, it didn't sound like his own. It was like someone else's.
Instead of answering, Alex cupped one of James' cheeks and rubbed his thumb by the corner of James' eye.
James didn't understand. It felt obvious, the answer was there, but he didn't see it.
He needed to repay Alex somehow— for what? He wasn't sure. But, there was a thin string of cotton that hovered between them and James was desperate to keep it there, to tie it down.
"I wasn't injured," James explained, soaking in the feeling of Alex's calloused hand. "It's—"
Alex's hand moved down, silencing his lips. James looked up at him in panic, in confusion, unable to comprehend the action.
"I don't need to know," Alex told him, smiling. "If you're not injured, that's okay. I want to try to trust your sincerity from now on, just like you asked."
Alex covered James' eyes with one of his hands then, a cool and firm weight. It prompted James' to flutter shut for the last time, returning him to the dark.
It's okay," Alex hummed. "So, continue your nap. I'll be here."
"But, your work?"
"It's fine," Alex assured him. "I'd feel better if I stayed here. The lake looks very beautiful."
James smiled weakly.
"I'm so glad you think so too."