LVIII
"Are you trying to work it out?" Thomas asked him, referring to the skirmish.
?Alex regarded him, surprised they were still on speaking terms. He wouldn't dare point this out.
?"Of course I am. I want to know who my enemy is."
?Alex's feet were sore on the dusty path to Hitchleigh, with blisters forming around his sandals.
They were amongst open meadows and grassland instead of forests, with hardly any trees in sight.
The sun was brutal and unforgiving, abusing their lack of shelter.
A sky so blue it was sickening and the smell of baking skin all took Alex back to his childhood.
?All the knights were used to training under such conditions and could mostly ignore the discomfort. Yufus and James could, too. Fletcher, though, was trudging like a corpse in mud, uncharacteristically silent.
?"Why don't you ask James?" Thomas suggested, with only a slight undertone of spite. "He's probably figured it out already."
?"No, I haven't," James said.
?Alex startled, his heart beating out of his chest. James had been right next to him and Alex hadn't known for how long. If there was one consistent thing about James, it was his silent feet.
?"We could try asking Yufus," Thomas tried, keeping his voice low. He subtly looked over his shoulder. "He was there at the skirmish, last night."
?Alex wasn't so sure. He found it hard enough to trust people anyway, let alone a foreigner. The unfamiliar accent felt coarse and shifty to him.
?"Harrison told us to be careful around him," Alex said slowly.
?Thomas shrugged. Alex doubted he particularly cared either way.
?Alex thought about it again. "Though... I say fuck it. He'll only be telling us information he already knows. Asking isn't a crime."
?Alex sought out James' gaze to solicit his approval but James' response was bland and uninspiring.
It was strange. James was often a step ahead of the rest of them and his decision-making capabilities were sharp and shrewd.
He was a natural leader. Yet, he always deferred to Alex.
He only offered his opinion once he thought it was an outright necessity.
?Thomas looked over his shoulder a second time, hesitating.
?"Hey, what did you say to him?"
?Alex followed his line of sight. "Hm?"
?"James," Thomas clarified. "What did you say to Riley?"
?Alex caught it; a slight crack in the facade. James was bothered.
?"Nothing he'd want me to repeat, I'm sure," James stated. "Keep that head down, snoop."
?Thomas rolled his eyes but ultimately did just that. He slowed his walk, falling back in line with Fletcher and the horse. Alex didn't care to listen to their conversation.
?"Seriously though, what did you say?"
?James hardly spared him a glance. "I'm serious. He wouldn't want me to repeat it."
?The discretion was curious considering James showed more hatred for Riley than he did for King Fabian.
?"I'm surprised you care," Alex expressed.
?Jams huffed in wry laughter. "No more surprised than I."
?It seemed that James was coming to the slow realisation that he cared for others more than he thought. Alex had always suspected it. But James had been so sure of himself, so sure of who he was, that it ultimately meant he knew nothing but the lies he clung to.
?James' apathy had never been about Eris, it had always been about his loneliness. He couldn't have cared for others when no one stuck around to form a relationship with him.
?"You're thinking about something tosh again," James said, nudging Alex with his shoulder.
?Alex kept a straight face. "I don't overthink."
?James narrowed his eyes but determined Alex was teasing him.
?"That's a dangerous game you're playing," James warned. "If you're convincing enough I would have to strangle you just to prove a point."
?Alex felt his lips quirk up. "I suppose I'll have to be even more convincing then."
?James' eyes lingered on Alex's neck, a heat smouldering in them. Alex chuckled, though he'd admit it stirred up some interest in him. The sensation had been intense the last time.
?"What's this about strangulation?" Yufus asked loudly, his voice carrying.
?Alex looked back, wide-eyed. Four sets of eyes looked back. The horse snorted.
?Thomas groaned, his face crumpling, digging his palms into his eyes. "Oh, Gods. When will this nightmare end?"
?"You have good hearing," James complimented the mercenary. Alex couldn't determine if it was sarcastic or not.
?"I do," Yufus boasted, proud of himself. "I don't expect both of you got those marks from strangulation, though."
?Alex blinked. Once, then twice. 'Both of you'?
?Alex turned a slow glare James' way. James stared back, his face entirely neutral. But, Alex could tell. His face was too relaxed, too innocent. He was cackling on the inside. It angered Alex just looking at it.
?"You fucking bastard."
?James' lips slowly spread into a grin, splitting through his facade.
?"What?" he had the audacity to ask.
?"You fucking know 'what'," Alex snapped.
?James made a show of peering at Alex's neck, his eyes widening comically. "Oh my. What's that?"
?Alex opened his palms and then clenched them shut again. He did his best to remain calm, but his words came out slow, low and tight. "Tell me right now. Has this been on my neck all day? When I talked to my brother? When I talked to Harrison?"
?James snorted. "Now, that's just a stupid question."
?Alex's already sun-hot face began to burn with embarrassment, stinging. He despised the distressing ache of judgemental stares on his back, silently criticising him, mocking him, like he knew they were.
?"Oy, you're not innocent either," James said. He was smiling, but there was a chill in his tone.
?Alex grabbed him by the collar but James' body remained pliant, soft.
James raised his eyebrows in challenge, lowering his chin, appearing deceptively submissive.
There was no debate that James still had the control in this situation, but it was what Alex needed to snap out of his spike of frustration, his heart fooled.
?He needed to calm down. The heat and pressure were making him irrational. James had done nothing wrong. It wasn't fair to target his anger at him. He let go, splaying his fingers open in apology.
?"Mum and Dad are fighting," Fletcher lamented, his voice trembling as he held back the desire to giggle. Thomas just groaned again, more pained than the last, prompting Fletcher to double over in laughter.
?"Sorry, it seems as if I have said the wrong thing," Yufus said, at a loss. "It is normal in Talum to go to brothels. I thought Khearia was the same."
?"It is," Thomas grumbled.
?"We don't even expect our women to be virgins by marriage," Fletcher breathlessly informed Yufus, trying to reassure him. "We don't take such things seriously, don't worry. Sex is fun."
?Yufus winced at the idea. "You wouldn't find many Talumnis who would be okay with that."
?Fletcher's attitude was flippant, like most Khearians.
?"What's normal is normal," he said.
?Alex gradually felt his guard slip, hearing how casually they talked about such things. Although he wasn't confident, it was possible that no one had told him about his neck simply because they didn't care enough about it. Maybe he hadn't given them enough credit.
?Alex looked up at the sky, the brightness burning his eyes. He sighed.
?"Woah, that's incredible!" Yufus exclaimed.
?Alex tensed as Yufus held James' face in his hands, looking into his eyes. He was too late to stop the mercenary. James was still and hard, like a statue carved from stone, eyes widened in surprise. A knife was already in his hand before Alex could even think to pull Yufus away from him.
?They all collectively held their breaths, watching in horror.
?James blinked. Then, he took a step back. Alex's heart was beating out of his chest.
?Yufus was oblivious, still crowding into James' space. "They really are brown, huh? I never knew it was possible."
?Like a reflex, Alex grabbed Yufus' arm, preventing him from advancing.
?Alex had to commend James' show of restraint. He could tell James was seriously shaken even if he appeared calm. James must've fought off every screaming instinct of his to save Yusuf's life.
?Yufus looked down to where Alex was holding him but quickly became distracted again.
?"We have lots of people with red eyes in Talumn and they can't come with us when we come here. How did you change them?"
?"It's a secret," James stated, knife still in his hand.
?"You can't say?" Yufus sighed. "But we can't take them to Ashad either. Anything west becomes out of bounds, except Espar. But, that's hard to get to anyway."
?Alex let go, surprised. "You can't take them to Ashad?"
?"They'd be killed," Yufus claimed.
?Alex had never heard of such a thing before.
?"The Ashadis believe in an ultimate incarnation of evil, unlike us," Fletcher explained for Alex's benefit. "Demons take up a large part of their religious discourse, from what I've seen. They abhor the colour red, it's the devil's colour. You can't even wear red there."
?"Red hair, red eyes, red clothes— it'll all get you killed," Yufus confirmed. "Even sunburn is a problem— they consider it as the devil's mark. We can't send any of our paler mercenaries down there because of it. I imagine most Khearians would be fine, though."
?The opposite was true for Khearia. To them, red was glorious; the victory that followed the carnage. It was blood, wine, and passion. There was a reason the Ankaid royal house had clung to it for centuries.
?Thomas frowned. "That's a bit excessive, isn't it?"
?"They truly believe it's evil incarnate." Fletcher shrugged. "I'd be scared, too."
?Alex thought Fletcher was being too sympathetic. It wasn't morally acceptable to murder someone over something as minor as a colour. It disgusted him that such destruction was committed so wildly and easily. They were mindless beasts.
?"Ashad has always been quite the irrational and paranoid kingdom," James murmured. "I feel sorry for its citizens."
?It was so quiet that Alex was the only one who heard him. Yufus was falling back, interested in Fletcher's knowledge, continuing a different conversation.
?"Doesn't mean they're allowed to murder each other like that," Alex retorted.
?"I'd be pissed off if I was born in a desert, too," James joked. Alex thought it was in poor taste.
?The atmosphere was a little different from normal.
Only half of their team were talking, and it was somewhat stilted and polite.
It was as if Fletcher and Thomas had noticed the awkwardness and were wary of the silence, forcing themselves to joke with the mercenary for the sake of making noise. Riley didn't even seem present.
?"I'm sorry I grabbed you," Alex said. "I don't fare well in the heat."
?James regarded Alex, scanning him. "It's fine," he decided. "I teased you too much. I thought it might've done you some good to get that tension out. Let's spar later, instead, yeah?"
?Alex smiled but he let the apprehension show. "And let you beat me up?"
?"I wouldn't be so sure about that," James sang. "You've been getting better, dropping all those bad habits of yours. Must be thanks to your amazing teacher."
?Alex's nose wrinkled. "I don't think of you as my teacher."
?"Then, what do you think of me as?"
?James tended not to care about what others thought of him. Yet, like a lot of things, Alex was the exception to the rule.
?What did he think of James? He certainly wasn't a teacher, Alex didn't see himself as a subordinate or submissive to the other man.
That being said, he didn't dare consider himself above James either.
The two of them stood in the same open field, the land flat and expansive. Separate, but present regardless.
?"I don't know," he answered, honestly.
?James clearly wasn't sure if he was satisfied with that answer, his face squinting. "Really?"
?Alex smiled. "Aye."
?Even lovers gave their partners some of their will, sacrificing their individuality to an extent. James was just as willful as the day Alex had met him, and he was the same.
?It was hard to categorise James in that way when he didn't feel permanent. James was made of fog. Every morning, Alex felt both surprised and relieved that James was still there.
?"Why do you keep asking me these sorts of questions, anyway?" Alex asked. "It doesn't suit you."
?James sniffed. "Maybe I'm more romantic than you thought."
?Alex grinned at the pettiness but noticed James evading the question nevertheless. Alex had become talented at seeing the manipulation in James' replies.
?"I'm surprised Eris hasn't gotten tired of you, yet."
?James pretended to feel insulted. "She loves me, she'd never get tired of me. She likes you, too, actually. She was your advocate when I was considering killing you."
?Alex felt like a man who had looked back after crossing a bridge, only to see it collapse seconds after stepping on land. He'd very narrowly escaped death and he hadn't even realised it.
?"You're right. Definitely very romantic. I'm sorry."
?James chuckled. "Why did you look like you were at knifepoint when you said that?"
?"Sorry. I'm sorry."
?His laughter became heavier, coming from his belly. It was rare to see such a genuine display of humour from James, one that wasn't deliberately fabricated. It made his normally cold face seem youthful and warm. He more resembled his age. Alex smiled, unable to look away.
?"You're an arsehole," James accused.
?Alex shrugged, softly exhaling as his chest swelled. "Sorry."
? ? ? ?
They didn't bother with a campfire. It would only signal their presence to any miscreants. And with the increasingly hot days, the grass was becoming dry, leaving it at risk of wildfires.
?Although the air was still warm and humid, the hard ground sucked their body heat out of them.
James casually huddled up to Alex as they sat around.
It'd made Alex feel nervous, but not a single other person batted an eye.
Yufus himself tried to cosy up with Fletcher and Thomas who didn't seem as receptive to the idea.
Alex began reckoning that huddling to share body heat must've been a Talumni cultural norm.
Alex wasn't sure where James got the habit from.
?Still, he'd admit it felt nice to have James lean on him.
?Alex stared at the moon whilst Yufus recalled a story to Fletcher and Thomas, describing life back in his home country.
It was a remarkably clear night, not a single cloud tainting the sky.
The stars were piercing through the dark blue veil with weight behind the punch.
James seemed more interested in Riley than anything else, though.
?"You should kill him," James said quietly, words hidden behind a language barrier.
?Riley's hadn't seemed inspired by the suggestion. He chuckled bitterly, spiritless, staring at the ground. The others paid no attention to the exchange and Alex shifted uncomfortably as he focused on their silver dimly lit faces.
?"Why do you think I'm here?"
?James persisted. "You haven't got a plan, though."
?"Plans never work."
?"Neither does not having one."
?Riley huffed, smiling without humour. "You would know, huh?"
?"You should've let me do it," James said. "For the things he said— I would've made it hurt."
?Riley shook his head, his frame tensing, jaw clenching. "No. It has to be me. I have to be the one to do it."
?Alex was getting chills from the vitriolic hatred flinting Riley's words. He'd never heard such unfiltered acrimonious loathing, not even from his father.
?James probably realised that this wasn't an issue worth pushing because he dropped it. The others began eyeing the two nervously, unable to understand, but able to hear the snarl in Riley's tone.
?James hesitated. "I don't truly think you made the wrong decision. It's not your fault he died."
?Riley crossed his arms, leaning back. He was staring at James, now, gaze full of contempt. "Do you ever wonder why I hate you more than anyone else does, James?"
?James blinked. "Because I'm a demon?"
?"Because, whether it's by the sound of their voice or the look on their face, I can always, always, tell a lie." He raised his hand, pointing squarely at James. "And you— you lie more than anyone else I've ever known. And I hate you for it."
?"I wasn't lying," James said, calmly.
?Riley's nose wrinkled with disgust, his upper lip curled. "I bloody well know it was my fault, leaving him there, knowing what I did. So, don't try to fool me. I find it insulting. Do not fucking talk to me again, do you hear me?"
?James raised his palms up in surrender, sighing slightly through his nose.
?Alex wasn't privy to some of the things they'd referenced, and he was sure they'd kept it vague on purpose. But he could still determine the general situation. As harsh as Riley had sounded, it seemed that the fault lay with James.
?Riley stood, ungently snatching his bag from the ground. "I'm going to bed," he announced.
?No one said a word. He put some distance between himself and the others, lying down to rest along the border of general proximity.
?Thomas whistled, low. "What in Khearia did you say to him?"
?James shot a glare in Thomas' general direction. "Head down," he reminded the knight.
?Fletcher nudged Thomas. "I think we'll get some sleep, too."
?"Me, also," Yufus said. "You Khearians row too much. It is tiring."
?They laid themselves down a lot closer than Riley had, within quiet earshot, but not so close that talking would keep them awake. Thomas had pushed Yufus away after the mercenary had tried to sleep on top of him. Alex watched, amused.
?"Have you ever been to Talum?" Alex quietly asked James.
?Alex noticed that James' eyes had closed now that the others were away, he seemed more comfortable like that.
?"I've dipped my toes on that side of the border a few times, yes," James replied. "Never for very long."
?Alex couldn't help but wonder. "Why did you stay in Khearia? It must've been difficult for you. Why did you never just go to Talum and then... stay?"
?James let his head fall against Alex's, temple to temple, he shifted his body closer, snaking his arm around Alex's. Alex still wasn't used to being touched in a non-violent way but he forced his body to remain loose, not wanting to inadvertently put the other man on edge.
?"This is my home," James replied, simply. "It was hard, yes. But, this is still my home. You should understand that better than anyone."
?He did understand. Very well.
?"Can you see the stars, tonight?" James asked.
?"As clear as day."
?James slouched, using Alex's shoulder as a pillow. Alex leaned his own head against James', finding himself becoming increasingly comfortable.
?"Some people believe the stars are Moira's apology," James said, "He lets our ancestors who had honourable deaths watch over us; the men who died in battle, the women who died during birth; keeping us on the right path in the night."
?"I don't believe in those sorts of things."
?"The thought is a comforting one, though," James confessed.
"They do guide us when everything else has gone dark.
I would've liked it if my family was up there.
Though, maybe, I'd be unrecognisable to them.
I don't believe in it either, because it's convenient that way.
I know they would've hated the sort of man I've become. "
?Alex knew it wasn't James' style, but he took his hand regardless, intertwining their fingers, squeezing firmly. James' reciprocated ever so slightly.
?"Are you able to navigate with them, then?"
?"I used to be very good at it," James hummed. Alex could feel him smile against his shoulder. "My mentor taught me. He used to blindfold me and leave me in the middle of nowhere and I'd have to get to a certain location before the sun rose."
?Alex thought it sounded harsh, but James' tone was fond.
?"What if you didn't make it?"
?"Then, he'd leave without me."
?Alex didn't let his reaction reach his frame, knowing that James was sensitive to body language.
It felt cruel to do that to a child; threatening them with abandonment if they didn't perform to a certain standard.
James clearly held a lot of respect for his late mentor but Alex had an awful opinion of him.
?He hesitated before asking the question, "Do you think he would've?"
?"I... don't know," James admitted. "But, I never dared to find out. I was the kingdom's best navigator on land."
?James' messy hair tickled his cheek as a gentle breeze passed. Alex ignored the itch on his face, not wanting to disturb his comfort.
?"I never learned such a thing," Alex revealed.
?"That's not unusual." James lifted his head, removing it from Alex's shoulder. He tipped his face up to the sky, his eyes still shut. The moon softly lightened the shadows on his face, casting him in a dark grey blue. "Can you see a constellation shaped like a rabbit? Two ears and a round tail."
?Alex searched the sky, trying to make sense of the peppered piercings. Then, he thought he spotted it.
?"I think I see it," he confirmed. "It's lopsided."
?James grinned. "I used to call him loppy."
?As the night passed, James showed him more constellations like that, explaining the stories embedded into the skies by the gods.
There were everything from cautionary tales to symbols of hope.
It was like having a map in the sky, signposts hanging from above, there to guide anyone who would care enough to listen and learn their tragedies.
?Alex would never dare ask what happened for James to have ended up with his vision impaired.
But, James spoke about the stars with such joy and imagination that his inability to see them felt like a tragedy in of itself.
There was no need to look up to find tales of the endless suffering humanity had been subjected to.
?There was plenty on the ground.