Chapter 13 #3
“True. I remember when you were just a little kid and you stepped on that field for the first time. It was magical. It was like you’d done it a thousand times before. Still, I won’t ever not worry about you two for as long as you both play.”
“I bet I would do the same thing if I were in your shoes.”
“How’s your shoulder? I noticed you’ve been icing it more than usual in the last few months.”
I rotated my joint as if to prove to myself it was moving like it should.
“It’s good, Mom. All good. I’m being careful, and I’m not icing it because it’s bothering me, but more as a preventive measure.
It’s me being smart about my health and my future.
” And maybe also because it feels a bit stiff these days, and my worst nightmare would be to be benched as a result of not being able to throw a pigskin the way I used to.
She nodded. “Okay, then. I trust you, Mason. You would tell me if you were in pain?”
“Yes.” Not this time.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
“I’m glad we had this talk. Are you still going on a walk?”
“Yep. Just need to clear my head. I won’t be long.”
“Want some company?”
“Nah. Go to bed. I’ll be back in an hour at the most. Night.
” I kissed her cheek. Darkness enveloped me as soon as I stepped on the front porch.
There was something oddly calming about the fact that I was alone, wandering around the neighborhood when everyone else was asleep.
A light breeze swept across my face, and the earthy smell of petrichor in the air the rain had brought in an hour ago delighted my nostrils.
It reminded me of summer, and somehow, I found it soothing.
“You can’t sleep either?” a small voice asked when I passed the Shepards’ house.
“Mel?” I spotted her sitting on the wooden bench by the front door, hugging her knees, covered in a thick blanket. I neared her before I could realize where my feet were taking me. “What are you doing alone in the dark at this hour?”
“Thinking.”
I cocked one brow. “About?”
“Stuff.”
“Yeah, I was thinking about stuff too.” I hesitated for a split second. “Want company?”
“Sure.” She scooted on the bench and freed a spot for me next to her. “Blanket?”
“Thanks. I’m fine. Wanna tell me what’s on your mind?”
She exhaled. “Not really. What about you?”
“Cowley High.”
“Oh. Is the rivalry thing still going strong?”
I nodded. “Sometimes I freak out because of all the pressure I put on myself. Like losing isn’t an option.
Not against them. The team would despise me if I couldn’t bring in a victory tomorrow…
well…tonight now, I guess. Anyway, the stress is real, and usually I’m fine, but there are times when it keeps me awake at night.
I don’t wanna disappoint people who are counting on me. ”
“Whether you win or lose, it’s not your fault, Mase. It’s a team thing, not a one-man show.”
“True, but the pressure is my own doing. I hate letting down the people I care about. I feel like it’s my duty to take my guys to victory. To prove we’re unbeatable. It’s stupid. I’ll shut up now.”
Her fingers grazed mine, and I shivered under the feather-like touch. “It’s not. What you feel is not stupid, because if you feel it, it means it’s important to you.”
I shrugged.
“When things get crazy in there,” she pointed to her head, “I like to make a list. Of things I can control and things I can’t.
I do that before every meet. What I wear, what I eat, what playlist I’m listening to in order to get in the zone, or the number of hours of training I put in a week are things I have control over.
My opponent’s swimming abilities, their training schedules, or how many hours my teammates put into their own training are things I don’t have control over.
I focus on my own stuff. If I decide to eat a chocolate cake instead of a protein shake before a competition, I’m harming myself and also my teammates if I can’t perform like I should.
If I put in the work, eat healthy, and train like I should, then it’s harder to blame myself if I don’t obtain the results I expect. ”
“What happened to the girl wanting to win, no matter what, a few weeks ago?”
“Still here. I swear. Now she’s trying to only zero in on the things she has control over. I’m trying to let go of the winning obsession and give my full attention to other things leading me there instead.”
“Is it working?”
“I’ll tell you when I climb on the highest step of the podium next time.”
“You should be my motivational coach when I doubt myself.” I elbowed her in a teasing manner.
“I’m not as much in control as I’d like to be. Not sure I would be a great role model. It’s pretty messed up in my head sometimes.”
We remained sitting there in silence for the longest time.
“Before I left, my mom told me a story about a guy who lost his chance to play pro because he got into a car accident. Now she’s freaking out and said I need a plan B other than football.
I don’t want her to worry, but I also don’t want to have to think about another career choice because if I do, it feels like it could become true, you know?
Like if I don’t open that door, it can’t exist. I’m rambling. ”
“Nah. Your mom is right. When you realize you could have died, it changes your perspective about things. She loves you and wants what’s best for you. But she also doesn’t want you injured.”
A comfortable silence stretched between us as we both got lost in our thoughts.
“Yeah. We should go to bed,” I said after a beat. “I have no idea what time it is, but I’m sure six thirty will come soon enough. I wouldn’t want my student to ditch her first training. Unless she needs the rest.”
“Nah. She’ll be there. Early and ready.”
We both moved to our feet, and I opened my arms, hating myself for looking like I was out of my game and insecure about myself. Melinda hugged me quickly and then stepped back.
“Night, Mase. Only focus on what you can control. The rest is not your job. Trust that the universe—and your teammates—have your back, no matter what.”
“Will you be there to cheer us on tomorrow?”
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
I watched her as she retreated inside, replaying every word my mother and Melinda had spoken tonight. Focus on what I can control. I could do that.