Chapter 31
Different is a good thing
I stood on the Shepards’ front porch, pulling at the roots of my hair, not sure if I should knock or go back home.
Melinda’s and my battle of words earlier had left a bruise the size of Texas in my chest. She was the last person I wanted to fight with and the last person I wanted to push away.
And I’d succeeded at doing both earlier.
Not my finest moment. Since she exposed her truth to me this morning, I’d been pacing like a lion in a cage every chance I got, in between comforting a dejected Paige and trying to go on with my day.
Craig had no clue how to up our spirits and finally stopped trying after lunch.
I gathered my courage and knocked on the wooden door. Mr. Shepard greeted me. “Hi, Mason.”
“How is she doing?” Did I sound as distressed as I felt? “I mean, good evening, Mr. Shepard. Can I see her?” I blew out a breath.
He opened the door wider and motioned me inside. “We met with the doctor earlier. Melinda is in her room. I’m not sure if she’ll agree to see you. She’s mad at all of us right now.”
I traced the pattern of the tiles on the floor with the tip of my shoe. “Can…can I try? I gotta talk to her. I hate how we left things earlier.”
“Sure.” He led me to his daughter’s bedroom. We both stopped in front of the closed door and exchanged a gaze before he rapped his knuckles on the panel. “Honey, Mason is here to see you. Can he come in?”
No answer.
He cracked the door open and peeked inside. “Mel?”
I heard her mumble something but couldn’t make out what she said from where I stood.
“Mason is here. Can he talk to you?”
Melinda answered something.
Mr. Shepard spun to face me. “Go ahead, son.” He patted my shoulder like his wife had done earlier.
“Hey you.” I tiptoed inside the dimly lit room, unsure how Melinda would react to my presence.
She was sitting on her bed, with her back to me, and I couldn’t read her facial expression. Dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt, she appeared minuscule in her clothes. How did I not realize what was going on before it went too far?
I swallowed my uneasiness and cleared my throat.
“I’ll sit right here.” I pointed to the chair set in the corner even though she didn’t look at me or acknowledge my presence.
This had to be one of the most uncomfortable situations I had ever put myself in, yet I couldn’t walk away unless I had the certitude we were all right.
The silence stretched between us, so heavy against my chest that it suffocated me.
Unable to bear the distance between us, I stood and circled the bed, sitting next to her.
I extended an arm to hold Melinda’s hand, but she scooted away from me.
“Mel… I… Please…” Emotions prickled the back of my eyes. My throat stung as if I’d eaten shards of glass. “We… I’m not going away. I’m right here. With you.”
She ran the back of her hand under her nose, still avoiding a look in my direction.
I kneeled in front of her and cradled her face with both hands.
She closed her eyes, silent tears streaming down her cheeks.
I could clearly see everything I'd been too blind to notice before, everything I'd convinced myself wasn't there.
The hollow cheeks, the shadows under her eyes, the slimmer fingers, the thinner waist, the smaller chest. The girl I loved had been suffering in silence, and I had done nothing to alleviate her anguish. How clueless I had been.
“You…huh…you tried to tell me. That day. When you confided about being bullied in middle school… You tried to tell me you were suffering without naming it. I should have picked up the hints. There were so many, and I was blind to them all.”
My own tears drenched my cheeks.
I pressed my forehead to Melinda’s lap, wrapping my arms around her, holding on to her like she might vanish. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t know… I-I’m so sorry.” I choked on my sobs. “I…I need you. Please stop… Stop hurting yourself.”
A tentative hand brushed my hair back, and I shivered under the feather touch.
My sobs doubled in intensity. I felt so powerless. So out of my game. I knew nothing about eating disorders except the few things I had learned while searching the internet this afternoon.
We stayed like that for what appeared to be hours.
“You need me?”
Those were the first words she’d spoken to me since we parted ways this morning.
I raised my head, searching her eyes. “I do. With every fiber of my being. With every bit of my heart and my soul.”
“Mase, you can’t need me.”
I jerked back. “W-why? Gimme one good reason why.”
“Because. I don’t want you to.”
We watched each other for a beat.
“You don’t want me to?” I blinked, pretty sure I was dreaming the entire scene. “What if… What if I wanna be with you?”
She shook her head. “Nah. I won’t let you.
I’m defective…broken. You can date any girl you desire.
I’ll always have this voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough or beautiful enough or smart enough to be with you.
When I look at Tanya or any of the girls on the cheerleading squad, all I see are long legs, tiny waists, shiny blonde hair. Everything I’m not.”
“That’s a load of crap. I don’t want the other girls, Mel. I-I want you. All of you. Even the not-so-healthy version of you. The rest, I don’t care.”
“Too bad. I can’t do this with you. It’s asking too much from me. I was doing better before we started hanging out. Dating you seems a lot like a one-way road to getting my heart broken. I…I can’t risk it. I gotta be focused on what matters, and right now, it’s not…it’s not you.”
Was she serious, or was she willingly chasing me away once again?
“Don’t say it like I’m the reason you feel like you’re not good enough.
I’ve always been there. I cared for you when you were sick, and I held you in my arms at night.
I never made you feel this way. I’ve told you how beautiful you are.
You’re the only one I see. I’ve never given you a reason to feel insecure about your physical appearance. ”
“No. You didn’t. I did. It doesn’t change the fact I feel like I’m not good enough to be seen at your side. Sometimes... Not always… It’s just… It’s hard to explain. All the girls I find pretty look the opposite of me. They have less curves, smaller shoulders, slimmer waists.”
“This doesn’t make sense.”
“I’m not blaming you. I just don’t wanna go back to being that insecure girl.”
“I can help you through this. I know I can if you let me in…if you gimme a chance.”
“Yeah, probably, but I gotta do this on my own, like a big girl. It’s my battle, my body, and my screwed-up perceptions.
For once, I must put myself first. Find…
find my groove back, make swimming my priority.
That and huh…my mental health. Even parading in a swimsuit these days is like asking a lot from me.
I never wanted you to see me naked before I looked like the girl I had pictured in my head.
I only had five more pounds to shed. Five.
Since our deadline was Winter Formal, I wanted to be ready and beautiful by then so whatever happened between us that night, I wouldn’t feel ashamed of my body. ”
“No. Don’t say that. I would have never put pressure on you.
I-I don’t care about those five pounds. I’ve always thought you were pretty.
Did I say something to make you believe otherwise?
” I replayed some of our conversations in my head, trying to find out where it went wrong.
If I’d said something she could have interpreted badly. Nothing. I couldn’t think of anything.
“Don’t blame yourself, Mase. It-it’s all on me.”
“What does it mean…for us?”
“There can’t be an us. And I’m not sure there can ever be one. We’re too different.”
“Different is a good thing. Different is great. We can help each other out. I’m not perfect.
I struggle too. With how people see me… You’ve witnessed it.
Thanks to you, I’m just starting to be myself again.
You get me. You never ask me to be perfect or to put on a brave face when I feel down.
See? We can help each other out. We’re good together. ”
“Mase, you can’t be my crutch. I gotta do this on my own.
I’m sorry if I’m hurting you. If we are together, you’ll be collateral damage.
Eventually… I’m going away for the winter break.
My cousin Jeremy lives in Traverse City.
My parents found a clinic there... I’ll be staying at his house while I receive treatments.
Please don’t call me or show up. It would just make things messier than what they already are. ”
“So, it’s like that? You-you’re ditching me, and there’s nothing I can do or say about it?”
“Sorry… It’s better this way. We’ll talk when I return in, huh...January… Or maybe we won’t.”
“Mel… don’t push me away. Not like this.”
“I have to. You should go home now.”
Her cold tone surprised me, and I froze, unable to speak.
“I was serious at school this morning, Mase. I don’t need you to save me. Stop playing superhero.”
A part of my heart died. Why was she being cruel? Was it a new attempt to keep me at a distance?
I let go of her and stood. “You don’t mean that. I know you, and you don’t mean a word you just said.”
Melinda moved to her feet, avoided looking at me, and walked to the door, opening it wide and showing me out. “We’re done. I also meant it when I told Paige I was done with her. I never wanna talk to her ever again. She ratted me out.”
“She’s your best friend. Flush me from your life, but don’t flush her.”
“She was my best friend. I’m not sure I can forgive a traitor.”
“You don’t mean that.” You don’t mean this; you don’t mean that. Were those the only replies left in me? “Nothing you’re saying sounds like you right now.”
“Well, maybe you don’t know me as much as you thought you did.”
Before I could argue further, she closed the door on me. For the longest time, I stood there, my palm flat against the door, wishing she would change her mind, say she was sorry, and we would make out and that she would agree to accept my help through her struggles.
It never happened.
For the very first time, I found love and lost it just as fast.
Back home, I hurried to my room, avoiding my parents’ questions, before Paige and Craig cornered me upstairs.
“I can’t do this,” I said, breathless as if I had run drills for hours. “She wants nothing to do with me anymore.”
“Oh, Mase.” Paige pulled me into her arms, her tears mirroring mine.
“It’s all my fault. I should have said something sooner.
Mel was good at changing the subject and finding excuses to explain her behavior.
I had to go to Mr. and Mrs. S. They had to know.
But I messed up everything for all of us when I did. I’m so sorry.”
I hugged her tighter. “You did the right thing. Never believe you didn’t. I just wish you had told me first. I don’t know what I could have done differently, but I would have tried.”
“Now she hates us all. I lost my best friend.”
I swallowed around the lump, now a permanent fixture in my throat. “I’m sure she’ll forgive you. Once she’s healed.”
“What about you?”
“She just doesn’t love me back.”
Paige stepped away from me, drying her cheeks. “She loves you, Mase. That’s the thing. She’s been loving you for quite a long time. She was just too proud to admit it.”
“Maybe…maybe that’s not enough.”
I locked myself in my bedroom, and for the first time in my entire life, I cried myself to sleep. For what I had and what I lost. And for the girl next door who owned my heart but refused to hang on to it or trust me to help her fight her demons by her side.