17. Sierra
SEVENTEEN
Sierra
I can feel the blood caking in my hair. Every time I move, little bits of it flake off and land on my face or shirt or hands.
When I close my eyes, I see Neil and Mona and little Diana.
I want to throw up. I want to scream and cry.
I want to forget, but there’s no forgetting the sight of their bodies on the floor, forever frozen in death with blood surrounding them in pools that are so, so very red.
I don’t even notice when the car stops. I would have stayed there forever, but somebody wraps an arm around my shoulders and draws me out of the car.
It must be Yuri. I can smell the leather of his jacket.
“She’s in shock,” Yuri says, but his voice sounds muffled, like I’m underwater.
Shock.
Yes, that sounds about right.
“Let’s get her inside. Into the shower,” Nikolai says, and his voice sounds distant too.
A shower sounds nice. A shower sounds like a relief, something that’ll get the blood off of me.
The brain matter .
Whatever else fell into my hair when Nikolai pulled the trigger and ended the life of a man who would consign me to a similar fate to the one I have now.
What is wrong with men?
Tears start to leak down my cheeks, and Yuri says something in Russian. A curse word, I think, but I don’t really care. He grabs me and lifts me up, and while I want to tell him that I don’t need to be carried and babied, the truth is that I do.
No one ever really comforted me after my brother Neil died.
Pa and Sean had been laser-focused on revenge. Kyran had been distant. And Ma…
Everything had been about the loss of her oldest, not the mental well-being of her youngest.
Yuri carries me through the building, and I bury my face in his shoulders. I don’t know where he’s taking me, but he stops suddenly in the middle of the hall.
I hear Konstantin’s deep voice saying something in Russian, and Yuri and Nikolai answering. I think that even if they were speaking in English, I wouldn’t have been able to process what they were saying.
They start walking again, through a few doors until we’re in a very large and luxurious bathroom.
“Sierra, look at me,” Konstantin says. “You’re back home now. There are no guns in the room.”
No guns.
Right.
It’s always about guns, always about weapons.
God, I was fucking stupid to want anything to do with my family’s line of work. My stomach isn’t strong enough for this.
My mind isn’t strong enough for this.
I blink sluggishly at him, and I dimly register what I think is concern in his expression. I’d laugh if I had the wherewithal to.
“Shower,” Yuri says. He sets me down on the ottoman in the center of the room. “Sierra, can you undress? Do you need help?”
“‘m fine,” I mumble, even though I’m so far from “fine” that I may as well be in another zip code. I start fumbling with my shirt — the shirt that’s ruined now — and the tears start falling faster because fuck, there’s so much blood in my mind.
Someone takes my hands into theirs, and I blink up to see Nikolai standing there. “Let me help you,” he says, his voice strangely gentle. He carefully reaches for the hem of my shirt, and he eases it over my head. I try to help, but my limbs feel strangely heavy.
“You don’t want to help me,” I say with a choked laugh. “None of you want to help me.”
Konstantin wraps his arms around me from behind. He’s so big and warm, and my eyes prickle with even more tears. I feel like I’m sinking into him.
“I want to help you,” he says fiercely. “You are mine, Sierrochka. Ours . We don’t let anyone we care about suffer.”
The words are so ludicrous that I almost laugh, but all I can focus on is the way his arms feel around me, the way they’re so warm and comforting even though they shouldn’t be.
I can’t remember the last time somebody in my family hugged me. We weren’t huggers.
We were the shut-up-and-tough-it-out kind.
Yuri walks over to the large shower stall and gets the water going. “We’ll all wash off,” he suggests. “The warm water will do all of us some good.”
A shower will get rid of the superficial problems, at least. The blood and gore. The reminder of the death that had occurred not even an hour before.
I think.
My concept of time is shot, and it could’ve been even longer. I don’t know how long we were in the car.
Why am I freaking out so much? It’s just another dead body.
It’s not like it was someone I cared about. I don’t even think I shut down this hard when I saw… them .
“Yes,” Nikolai says, and he and Konstantin help me out of my bra, then my pants and underwear. “Come on, zaya. Let’s get you nice and clean.” He frowns. “And warm.”
It’s only then that I realize I’m shivering .
Yuri has stripped down too, and he takes my hand to lead me into the large shower. His entire body is covered in tattoos, not just his cock. The water feels far too hot on my cold skin. Yuri notices my wince, and he gets between me and the shower spray.
He rubs my shoulders gently. “You’re all right, Sierra. You’re safe now.”
Safe.
I burst into tears.
Nikolai has followed close on my heels, and he’s there, too, wrapping his arms around me from the front even as Yuri protects my back. “I’m sorry,” he says, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he sounds a little panicked.
“What happened?” Konstantin asks as he gets into the shower too.
I’m surrounded by big men on all sides, we’re all naked, and I’m currently not even worried about erections or birth control.
I squeeze my eyes shut and lean into them.
“One of the men there got his hands on her,” Nikolai says, hugging me closer to him. “He was threatening her. I shot him.”
Yuri says something else in Russian. In English, he continues, “But it’s fine. We can deal with everything later. Sierra is more important now.”
“Important,” I repeat with a giggle that sounds deranged even to my own ears. “Right.”
“You think you aren’t important?” Konstantin asks, and he actually sounds confused. “You are under my care and protection now, Sierrochka. I will not let anyone hurt you.” He settles his large hand on my belly. “We don’t need to keep you. We could find another person to crack your father’s laptop.”
Yuri sets his hand over the brand on my chest. “We’ve claimed you. Nobody else will ever hurt you.”
It’s oddly… touching, and I don’t understand why. These men took me against my will, branded me, raped me — they force me to do whatever they want, always reminding me of the consequences if I fail. Nothing they say should be reassuring.
But it is .
“I’m sorry I had to shoot him while he was still touching you,” Nikolai says, and he sounds almost subdued. “But I couldn’t risk him moving and trying to shield himself with your body.”
“If you hadn’t, I would have,” Yuri growls. “I’m sorry I didn’t protect you more, Sierra.”
I laugh again. “Oh my god,” I lament. “You’re all secretly saps.”
“Yes.” Konstantin pulls away from me, and I whimper at the loss of his body. “Shh,” he says gently. “I’m just getting shampoo so we can wash you off.”
Nikolai touches where Konstantin had been, right over my stomach, then presses closer to me. He says something in Russian, and his voice is perplexed.
Yuri moves his hand to cup my chin, and I meet his worried eyes. “Sierra… Talk to us. We’re here for you.”
I blink a few times, unsure of whether it’s water from the shower or tears on my face. “Talk to you,” I repeat. “About what? About… about blood?” I shudder, but when I try to look away, his grip becomes firm.
“About what you’re feeling,” Yuri says. He lets out a small snort. “I’m a hypocrite, I know. But that is what the jail therapist said. Better to talk than to let it fester.”
“Therapist.” I can’t help but laugh, too. “Kyran wanted me to see a therapist. Ma and Pa said no. Absolutely not.”
Nikolai kisses the side of my head. It’s not like he’s going to offer to send me to therapy. Anyone worth their salt would put these three behind bars and send me to the psych ward along the way for starting to give a fuck about what their fate might be if I told the wrong person what they’d done.
“Why did your brother want you to see a therapist?” Konstantin asks, and I realize now I shouldn’t have mentioned anything at all.
“No reason,” I say quickly.
Yuri’s eyes widen, and I can tell when things click for him. “Because of what happened to your other brother? You said you saw it?”
I don’t want to think about Neil.
I don’t want to think about any of this .
So instead of responding, I lean up and kiss him. I kiss him, then I kiss Nikolai, then I reach for Konstantin, fumbling around because all I want to do is forget .
Konstantin pulls me flush against him as he kisses me. One of them starts washing my hair, and the other soaps up my side, and I feel strangely grateful for all three of them.
They’re the ones who put me into this position.
But they’re dragging me out of the dark, too.
Konstantin breaks the kiss, and I whimper, trying to chase the contact. “Shh, Sierrochka. Here, kiss Nikolai.” He turns me to face Nikolai, who immediately takes me into his arms and presses his lips to mine. Konstantin’s hand travels down my back, soothing me. All the while, the warm water pelts down on us.
Someone tilts my head back — Yuri, I think — and starts to rinse my hair, and as the water sluices away the soap and the filth that had been beneath it, I feel something in me start to calm down. Not much, not enough. But it’s enough to where I can kiss Nikolai back even at this strange angle.
One of his hands goes to my breast, thumbing over my nipple, and another goes to rest at the small of my back.
I don’t know why I’m encouraging them, except I do want to feel good. I deserve to enjoy myself, don’t I?
So I reach for Nikolai’s cock and begin stroking it, and he groans appreciatively.
“Good,” Konstantin murmurs, petting my head. “Which of us do you want inside you, Sierrochka?”
Usually, I’d be quick to say, none of you . But today? Today, I want to be filled and stretched and pleasured, and they’re so eager to please.
Maybe I need to have freak-outs more often, if it means I’m going to get all of their attention in the best of ways.
“Yuri,” I find myself saying, not even sure why I pick him. But he’s the one who has the most intense feelings for me, isn’t he? He’s the one who wants me the most. He’s the one who can satisfy this need. Isn’t he?
“Okay,” Yuri agrees, and he steps in behind me. I can feel his cock pressing against my ass. He must already be hard—all just from washing me?
He kisses the nape of my neck. “Like this? I’ll take you from behind. You can keep kissing Nikolai. We’ll all make each other feel good.”
“Yes,” I whisper.
Usually I’d be more apprehensive, more aware of the fact that the clock is ticking and they still haven’t put me on birth control, but today…
Today, I can’t bring myself to care.
I keep stroking Nikolai, kissing him, but then I pause to look at Konstantin. It’s like I need to see him, to feel him too, to know he’s still here.
He leans in to kiss the side of my mouth, his beard soft against my skin. Then he looks over to Yuri.
I watch in strange fascination as Konstantin leans closer to Yuri, and Yuri closes the distance between them to kiss him.
I never, ever would’ve seen that coming.
At first, I don’t know what to make of it, but when they draw back — breathless from kissing each other, even while they touch me — I find myself whispering, “More.”
“More?” Konstantin asks.
I swallow hard, nodding slightly, then kiss Nikolai as though it’ll change what I’ve just requested, as though they’ll suddenly be able to understand what I’m after. Nikolai runs his fingers through my wet hair, catching on a few knots that he gently untangles.
“What do you want more of?” Yuri asks. He settles his hand on my hips, gently caressing my ass.
I breathe out shakily, trying to give myself more time. I’ve never thought two men kissing could be so alluring before, but between Yuri’s cock rubbing against my ass and the thought of the two of them being so intimate… It’s strangely appealing, and I don’t know why. I don’t know how.
I’ve known Kyran likes men for a long time; I’d stumbled across his porn. I know what he watched. It had never affected me.
This, though? This does .
I shake my head, though, not sure how to say it.
“She wants to see you kiss more,” Nikolai says matter-of-factly, his hand sliding between my legs.
“Oh.” Yuri laughs and nips my shoulder. “Just me and Kotya?”
“I—”
Nikolai’s fingers find my clit, cutting off my words, and I shudder. “She’s wet,” he announces.
“I’m in the shower,” I say dumbly.
Nikolai laughs, and he nudges my legs apart.
Yuri gets closer, and his cock slides between my legs, pressing insistently against my cunt. I bite my lip to stifle a groan, only for Konstantin to run his fingers over my mouth.
“No need to be quiet on our account,” Konstantin says. “Whatever you’re feeling, we want to hear it.”
I don’t know that I can let them hear it. I don’t know that I can do any of this. And honestly, I really just want to cry.
But no.
Instead, I kiss Konstantin’s fingers, then I hesitantly take them into my mouth, sucking gently on them. Just to see his reaction, I tell myself. Not for any other reason. Not because I want to bring him pleasure.
His eyes flutter, and even over the rush of water I can hear him exhale. Nikolai continues to massage my breasts, and Yuri is sliding his cock over my cunt, back and forth, teasing me.
It all feels strangely dreamy, even though I know I should be horrified.
But in terms of horrific things that have happened in my life, this isn’t anywhere near the worst.
This is almost something nice, in fact, and I don’t know what to make of that.
So instead of thinking, I lose myself in the sensations.
“More,” I whisper raggedly, stroking Nikolai’s cock, taking Konstantin’s fingers deeper into my mouth and arching back against Yuri. I want to be overwhelmed. I want to be completely taken in a way I don’t understand and I’m not necessarily sure I’d even want if the circumstances were different .
Every time I close my eyes, though, I see blood, smell blood, and I don’t want my entire awareness to consist of blood and violence.
I want to feel pleasure. I want to know only this moment, only this sensation.
“You ready?” Yuri mumbles against my ear. “I’m going to get so deep inside you, Sierra. I’m going to fill you up completely.”
I whimper, sucking Konstantin’s fingers harder, licking them, almost wishing it was his cock in my mouth — almost. Almost .
“Fuck me,” I say, drawing back from Konstantin enough to speak. “Fuck me, and kiss, and, and… I need it.”
I need all of it.
Yuri sucks on the nape of my neck briefly, then he lines himself up against my hole. I groan as he pushes inside. I must be wet with more than just water, because he goes in easily, and the stretch feels good.
Konstantin makes an appreciative sound too. “I never get tired of seeing this,” he murmurs.
“This?” I ask, dazed.
“You, stuffed with Yura or Nikolai’s cock.” He smiles. “Your pussy stretched wide and leaking cum.”
I swallow hard. It’s so derisive, and I should hate him for it.
I should hate all three of them for what they’ve done, for what they’re trying to do.
But Yuri starts to move inside of me, and I forget because it feels good — I forget, because Nikolai’s fingers are teasing my clit, his hand keeping my legs wide and open.
It startles me when he leans in, and his lips brush Konstantin’s. It’s not quite a kiss, not really, and he draws back quickly. I don’t know if it’s the heat of the water or the situation that makes his cheeks flush, but he doesn’t go in for another.
Konstantin looks at Nikolai with a strange expression, but after a few seconds, he turns his attention back to Yuri. He cards his fingers through Yuri’s long hair. “Are you close, Yura? Are you going to fill her up? Get her to swell up with your cum?”
Yuri lets out a startled noise. “F-fuck. Yes, yes, Kotya. Then Nikolai, then you. We’ll all fill her. She’ll be completely ours. ”
“She’s already completely ours,” Nikolai asserts, and his voice is just as weird as Konstantin’s expression had been.
I can’t bring myself to argue. Not with Konstantin’s fingers so close to my lips, not with Nikolai’s fingers on my clit, and definitely not with Yuri’s cock pounding in and out of me.
Yuri’s fingers dig into my hips, and the next time he thrusts into me, he bites down on my shoulder. I cry out, both from the pain and the sudden sensation of his cum flooding into me.
Konstantin pushes a hand against my stomach. “I want to see her swell up,” he says roughly. There’s a small hesitation before he continues, “With our cocks and cum.”
I notice the blip, vaguely, but I can’t think of what he might have been about to say. I don’t care, either, because it feels so good, Nikolai’s fingers playing with me so expertly that it brings me close to the edge but doesn’t quite push me over.
Nikolai groans. “How tight is she, Yura? How good does she feel?”
The words are distant, almost fading in the background, but I strain to stay in the here and now just so I can hear their words. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t want to hear, shouldn’t want to remember.
But all of this strikes me as something that won’t happen often, that may not ever happen again. Maybe I want to think about it sometimes.
Maybe I want to know they’re not all that bad when they don’t want to be.
“She’s amazing,” Yuri answers breathlessly. “So hot and tight. Her cunt wants this.” He pulls out, and with the shower still running I can’t tell if his cum drips out of me or not.
Konstantin directs me to turn around, with my back to Nikolai and I’m facing Yuri.
Nikolai doesn’t hesitate. He drives into me, and I gasp, closing my eyes as I throw my head back. Water gets in my face, but I can’t bring myself to care. I whimper, clutching at Konstantin, wanting a kiss but not sure how to ask for it.
Yuri notices, and he tilts my head in his direction. The kiss is fierce, open-mouthed, and barely more than our lips sliding against each other, but I feel the connection.
I can feel the emotion that boils underneath every interaction I have with Yuri.
I don’t know what it is about him, but I wonder all over again what it would’ve been like if I’d really, truly met him before he’d gone to jail — if Sean and my father hadn’t intervened and made it impossible for us to get to know each other. Would Yuri have been softer with me from the start?
Would I have wanted that?
Nikolai grunts, fucking into me, and he says raggedly, “She’s so, so hot and wet and tight. How is she so tight after how much we fuck her?” He laughs, but the sound is a little harsh somehow. He grips my hips, fingers and fingernails digging into my skin hard enough to hurt, and I don’t understand the change in his behavior.
“Tight, beautiful, and smart,” Konstantin murmurs. He starts stroking my hair again, all while I’m still half making out with Yuri. “Strange that she came out of that family.”
Yuri breaks the kiss to look at Konstantin. “Brave. She’s brave, too. She stood her ground today.”
Did I? It had all faded into the background, and I make a quiet sound of protest as they draw my attention back to what I’ve been trying to forget.
“She did,” Nikolai says. “And she waited to panic until it was safe.” He sounds grudging, somehow, and that nearly pulls me out of the dreamlike state I’ve been in.
Konstantin grunts in approval. His hand moves between my legs, and he rubs his finger around my hole. “He’s getting you ready for me, Sierrochka. You’re going to come around my cock.”
Everything is so intense. If Nikolai was still touching my clit, I’d come on the spot. But he isn’t, and Konstantin’s finger isn’t enough to bring me over the edge. I’m so close, though, so fucking close.
“He loves it when his women are sloppy,” Nikolai says. “He loves fucking them with me and Yura’s cum dripping out of them.”
Something about the choice of his words is strange — his women, them. Not me. I don’t know how to feel about it, and I file it away to think about later.
Yuri starts playing with my breasts, pinching my nipples and soothing them in turn. “You’re so hot, Sierra. With our brand, with our cum inside you.”
I swallow thickly, wanting more, needing more. I want to come. I want to come so badly, but Nikolai’s thrusts are too erratic and Konstantin’s fingers aren’t in the right place. I’d gotten so close with Yuri, and while the pleasure is so much that it borders on too much, I can’t quite get there.
Nikolai groans, his hand sliding around to rest on my stomach as he nuzzles and nips my neck. “Gonna come,” he says to no one in particular, and I whine in protest.
“Do it,” Konstantin orders. “Get her so messy. Fill her up.” He gets his hand on my stomach and pushes against it, like he’s trying to feel Nikolai’s cock inside me.
I make another sound, though whether it’s of need or something more, I can’t quite tell.
Grunting, Nikolai fucks into me harder, faster, until he’s spilling into me and all I can feel his heat and cum on the inside.
I’ve never been taken bare before them.
They haven’t used a condom even once with me.
That thought is almost enough to make me panic, but before I can start to think about what it all means, Konstantin is right there, kissing me hard enough to make me forget all over again.
Nikolai pulls out of me, and he steps away just enough for Konstantin to slot in behind me. I glance at Nikolai, who gives me a strange look before leaning in to kiss me. Then he turns to Yuri and gives him a brief kiss too.
Yuri doesn’t seem to know how to react to that, but before I can try to decipher what is going on, I feel Konstantin’s large cock pressing against my hole.
“Ready, Sierrochka? Ready to be split wide open by me?” he whispers against my ear.
My breath hitches, and even though I feel like Goldilocks about to face the too-hot porridge, the too-big bed, I’m prepared enough to where I think I can take him with only slight discomfort.
Maybe that will even feel good.
“Yes,” I choke out.
I’m not sure when I started crying again, for all that the tears are lost beneath the shower, the water running in rivulets down my face.
Konstantin pushes inside me, and even after taking both Yuri and Nikolai, he feels large. How many times has he fucked me already? Somehow my body still isn’t used to it.
He groans and hooks an arm around my waist. “Yura, Nikolai. Help her out. Make her come while I fuck her.”
Nikolai moves in, his fingers teasing my clit again, and my breath hitches. Fuck. Fuck, I’m so close, and I know that when I come, I’m going to tighten around Konstantin and it’s going to be even more intense.
Yuri kisses me fiercely, sparks flying as he hungrily takes my mouth, and I give in to him as Konstantin starts to thrust.
“I’m close,” I whimper against Yuri’s mouth.
“Wring him dry,” Yuri says, half-smiling. “Get all of Kotya’s cum out of him.”
Konstantin laughs. “It won’t take long. She’s so fucking wet and sloppy. I’m probably pushing your cum further into her.”
Nikolai finds just the right spot, just the right rhythm, and I bite Yuri’s lip as my body spasms. The only thing holding me up is Konstantin’s arm around my waist for a moment, but then Nikolai is there, too, helping me stand up even as he continues to play with my clit. My body is oversensitive, and I want to beg them to stop, but it just feels so fucking good that I can’t.
I won’t.
Konstantin groans louder than the other two had, and his hold on me tightens to the point where I’m forced onto my tiptoes. He thrusts harder, faster, and I can feel even more heat flooding into me.
Even more of their cum, marking me from the inside out.
I would sag down if it wasn’t for their grip on me, and it’s all I can do to remain upright. Yuri had told me to wring Konstantin dry, but I’m the one who’s completely wrung out, little more than a puppet.
Konstantin pulls out of me, but he immediately gets his fingers against my hole. I whimper because of how oversensitive I am. I don’t know what he’s doing at first, until I realize he’s pushing the cum back into me.
“So sloppy,” Konstantin says with awe. He glances at Nikolai. “Turn the water off.”
Nikolai obeys, and the constant sound of water pouring overhead is cut off just that quickly. The only sounds are dripping, ragged breathing, and soft sounds I can’t help but make because I’m so overwhelmed by it all.
Then I do collapse, and Konstantin has to catch me before I go down completely. I brush my lips against the tattoo on Konstantin’s shoulder.
“Fuck,” Yuri mumbles. “Fuck. Um… How are you feeling, Sierra?” He runs his hand through his wet hair.
The sound I make is little more than a mewl. I can’t make anything make sense. So I close my eyes and let Konstantin hold me.
“I think she needs a nap,” Nikolai says with a chuckle. The sound is more familiar, more like what I know of him than the way he’d been acting during the fuck.
“Nap for all of us.” Konstantin lifts me up into his arms. “I think my bed is large enough.”
Nikolai’s smile fades. “I need a real shower,” he says vaguely. “And I’m not tired. I’ll join you later.”
For some reason I don’t understand, it bothers me. It’s like Nikolai is pulling away, and it scares me a little because if he’s going to return to how he was when they first took me, I want nothing to do with him.
I force those thoughts away too, though, burying my face in Konstantin’s hairy, heavily tattooed chest and letting him carry me carefully out of the shower and onto the bath mat.
Yuri says something in Russian, and Konstantin answers. I wish I could understand them, but their voices are soothing .
Konstantin carries me into his bedroom. Yuri pulls the covers back, and Konstantin sets me down. They both settle in with me, one on either side.
They keep speaking in low voices to each other.
I should probably care what they’re saying, but I don’t.
Instead, I drift to sleep, feeling safe and warm in their arms despite myself.