Chapter 18 Trust
eighteen
Trust
Iglance at the clock, wondering if I have time to go to the Wi-Fi area and send a quick email to Jacob before my plane boards. Mom and Dad surprised me with a plane ticket to Texas. Matt and Gage are deploying in a couple of days, and the base is having a deployment ceremony.
“Jess?” A somewhat familiar voice calls me from the crowded terminal. “Jess Roberts?”
As soon as I see her, I’m frozen in shock. It's Laini, Jacob's old girlfriend.
She sits down beside me. “Wow, you look so grown up I almost didn't recognize you. What are you, a senior this year?”
“A sophomore, actually.” Not officially until I start summer classes next week, but close enough. “At WSU.”
“College. You have grown up.” I wonder if it’s possible for her not to sound condescending. “Where are you heading?”
“Texas.” I shift uncomfortably in my seat. Now it feels like I have too much time before my flight. “My brother Matt is being deployed.”
Her voice goes soft. “I didn’t realize he was in the service.”
“He is. Army.”
“Tell him I said good luck.” She glances at her expensive watch. “I need to get going. I have a long business trip ahead of me. I'm always on the run these days.” She straightens her skirt and stands up. “I’ll have to tell Jake I ran into you the next time he calls. He’ll get a kick out of that.”
I freeze. She either doesn’t notice or pretends not to notice the look on my face.
“He’s doing okay. They had a bit of a scare just before Christmas.
Maybe you heard about the attack in Mosul?
You can imagine how relieved I was when he called me to tell me he was okay.
He didn't give me very many details. He doesn’t like to worry me.
" She looks at her watch again. "I'll tell him you said hi.”
I mumble some kind of goodbye. At least I think I do. I can barely breathe. She strides away, her high heels clicking toward whatever important destination she's heading to. I should follow her, ask her exactly when she last heard from Jacob.
I can’t move.
My thoughts are churning. Is it possible he's been playing both of us this whole time? Has he been lying to me?
I make a quick decision and cross the terminal to the Wi-Fi area. I connect and type in Jacob’s email address. The message is quick.
Jacob,
We need to talk. Call me when you can.
Jess
I look at it for a few agonized heartbeats before I hit send. Am I jumping to conclusions? Am I that gullible? Laini brought him up so casually. It didn't seem like she was lying. My stomach twists.
How can I be sure?
The flight is excruciating—my heart aches, and I'm searching my memory for details I could have missed. Everything I thought was real is in doubt. I need to talk to Jacob. Hearing his voice will fix everything.
I hope.
I’m pacing the empty hotel room I'm supposed to be sharing with Kendra when my cell phone rings.
It’s Jacob.
“Jess,” he sounds worried. “Are you okay? I got your email.”
“I’m not sure.” My answer is painfully honest. “I ran into Laini at the airport.”
I gauge the tone of his voice when he answers. “Wow, small world. What did she have to say?”
“She told me she'd tell you hi from me the next time you called her.”
“What?” he sounds genuinely confused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I was hoping you could tell me.”
“Hold on, Jess. I’m not sure what you’re asking. Maybe we have a bad connection.”
“I’m asking you if you’re still seeing Laini.”
He laughs. A nervous laugh? A guilty laugh? “I’m in Iraq. How could I possibly be seeing her?”
“You know what I mean.” I’m getting impatient. Is he trying to avoid the question? “Are you still talking to her?”
“Talking to... Laini? How can you think that? You know me better than that.”
But do I really know him? How can I be sure his confusion is genuine?
“The last I heard anything about Laini, she was coming to our house for dinner just before you left. You told me you broke up with her. Now I see her, and she acts like she hears from you all the time, like you’ve been calling her. What am I supposed to think?”
“You’re supposed to trust me. Besides, you know that was a lie. How often do I get to use the phone here? How often do I call you?”
“You got to it pretty fast after I sent that email.”
“I thought something was wrong, with you or at home.” He sounds irritated. “I didn’t know it was something so...”
“So stupid?” I finish for him.
“I didn’t say that.”
“But that’s what you’re thinking. Why don’t you just give me a straight answer, Jacob? Are you still talking to Laini?”
“No.” He says it firmly, but the irritation is still there. “I haven’t heard from her since I left. I might have gotten a Christmas card from her parents. I don't remember.”
“She knew about Mosul.”
“Everyone knows about Mosul. It was all over the news. Damn it, Jess. Don’t you trust me?” The edge in his voice is getting sharper.
“I thought I did. Now I’m not sure.” I'm suddenly that awkward little girl again, begging him for attention, unsure of what he thinks of me.
“Laini.” Her name comes out in an angry breath. “I don’t know what her game is. I don’t have time to deal with this. I’m trying to fight a war.”
“You mean you don’t have time to deal with me.”
He hesitates for a minute. “I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” I close my eyes. I wish I hadn't emailed him. More than that, I wish I hadn't seen Laini. I wish I could push away the doubts swirling in my mind and just trust him.
“What about you?” I pick up on the edge of suspicion in his voice.
"Me?" Guilt prickles in my stomach.
"Yeah. You and New Years Eve. What exactly were you doing that you couldn't answer my call?"
Suddenly, I'm the one playing defense. I suck in a breath. "I told you where I was."
"But not the whole story, right? You gave me the where, but left out the who."
My thoughts flee in panic. I don't know how to answer that, so I don't say anything.
"The Army isn't as big as you think it is," Jacob says. "What am I supposed to say when some guy here sees my picture of you and says he saw you at a party with one of his friends on New Years?"
My heart pounds with guilt and fear, but my first reaction is to strike back. "You're supposed to trust me." I throw his words back at him. "It was a party with a friend. Am I supposed to put myself in cold storage until you come home?"
"I never asked you to do that," his voice is calm. The kind of calm that I know means he's mad. "I guess we never talked about it, whether or not this is an exclusive thing."
This? Thing? Is he trying to justify himself? I think about what Matt said about Jacob always having an extra girl on the side. Am I the extra girl?
"And I guess I never asked you not to keep in touch with your old girlfriend. So I have no reason to be mad either."
“Jess, listen to me, I'm not..."
But I'm too worked up to stop. "She had you for four months. I got you for what? Four hours? Why shouldn't you still be talking to her?"
"Jess, stop." He swears under his breath. "This isn't working."
Fear slices into my chest. The line is quiet for a long time. Finally, I ask, "What's not working?" I choke back a shivering breath, "Us?"
“We need to—" Static comes through and then the line goes silent.
I grip the phone, willing his voice to come back, willing him to finish that sentence, wishing there was a way I could call him back—almost. I'm afraid of what he was trying to say.
Is he done with me? Is it over between us before things even got started, because I let Laini get to me, because I was jealous and immature?
Seeing her brought back a tidal wave of insecurities. Why would he want me when he could have her? Beautiful, polished, sophisticated—Laini can make me feel like a little kid without even trying—and she did.
My conversation with Matt keeps playing in my head. “If you mean that much to him, why did it take him so long to get rid of that other woman?” What if he hadn't really gotten rid of her?
And what about my "not" date with Michael? How did he find out about that? And so what if he did? It was all perfectly innocent. I lie on the bed, still holding the phone, still arguing in my head with myself, with Jacob, with Matthew, even with Laini. I can’t believe I got in a fight with Jacob, over the phone, in Iraq. I bury my head in the pillow and cry.
By the time the knock comes at the door, I’m cried out. I get up and peer through the peephole. For a second, I'm not sure if I should answer.
I try to sound normal as I open the door. “Michael. I didn’t think you were going to be here.”
“This is my unit leaving. I wanted to be here for the ceremony tomorrow.” He hugs me. If he realizes I’ve been crying, he doesn’t mention it. “It’s good to see you, Jess.”
I step back. “It’s good to see you too.” And it is good to see him, better than I thought it would be. Maybe better than it should be.
“I asked your parents if they wanted to come to dinner, but they’d rather stay here and eat in. Tyler is talking with a girl down by the pool, and Matt and Kendra are ‘unavailable’. Would you like to get something to eat with me?”
I hesitate for a minute, glancing at my phone on the nightstand. I need to get out and clear my head. “Sure,” I manage a weak smile. “Give me a minute to put on makeup and get changed.”