Chapter 50 Pillow Talk
fifty
Pillow Talk
“Who is Jacob?”
I’m standing at the counter, reaching for the toothpaste. My roommate's question stops me.
“What?” I ask, toothbrush still in hand.
How could she possibly know anything about Jacob?
I’ve lived with Angelica for less than a month.
We share a room and a couple of hospital rotations, but we haven’t really talked beyond the ‘where are you from, what are you studying?’ conversation.
I’m racking my brain, my heart racing. Who could she have talked to?
“Jacob. Who is Jacob?”
The one thing that came up in our conversation was her major, psychiatry.
Every question she asks feels like she’s trying to get inside my head, to analyze me.
I don’t need to be analyzed. I already know I’m crazy.
She’s still waiting for an answer, so I continue my quest for the toothpaste and say, “An old friend. Kind of an old boyfriend.”
I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and stick it in my mouth, so she doesn't expect me to answer any more questions. I'm trying to look nonchalant, but I know my face is red. My heart pounds out of my chest, even over the sound of the running water.
“Interesting.” She’s watching me like she’s deconstructing everything, even the way I brush my teeth.
I shouldn’t feed her curiosity, but I can’t help it. I’m curious too. More than that, I want to know where she's getting her information. I spit toothpaste into the sink and then rinse. “What’s interesting?”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you talk in your sleep?” Angelica says.
“No.” I rinse again and put the cap on the toothpaste.
“If I were one of my psych professors. I’d say there are some unresolved issues associated with whoever this Jacob is.”
“There aren’t,” I lie. “The guy I’m dating is Michael. You’ll get to meet him this weekend.”
I walk out of the bathroom without saying anything else. I knew I should have paid extra for a private bedroom.
“Hey babe,” Michael wraps me in his arms and kisses me in front of Angelica. I try not to pull away. I’m not sure when it got so hard to kiss him back, when it all started feeling so forced. Maybe it’s always been that way, and I was so numb that I didn’t recognize it.
Michael is back and forth more frequently now. He leaves for his hardship tour in Korea in less than a month. I try not to think about the amount of money he’s blown on plane tickets to see me. Now that I’m not in Pullman anymore, he doesn’t even get to see his family when he comes.
“I have something I want to show you.” He sits on the couch and pulls me onto his lap. He flips through some pictures on his phone, then stops on a picture of an apartment building. It looks far away and foreign. “What do you think?”
“What do I think about what?”
“These apartments are just outside my base. They’re nice. One bedroom, a fairly good-sized living room. Close to everything. I put a deposit down.”
I hand the phone back to him, annoyed. “We talked about this. I just started my clinicals. I can’t leave in the middle of the semester.”
“I don’t mind paying a couple of months' rent until you’re ready to join me.”
I haven’t ever said yes to Michael’s idea of joining him in Korea. I haven’t said no either. He keeps saying it would be good for me to get away and spend some time in a foreign country, to see something new. That it will help me forget.
“I don’t want you wasting your money.” I slide off his lap and onto the couch beside him.
He reaches for my hand. “I don’t consider it a waste of money. More like an investment in our future.”
I pull away. “Why is it so important that I go with you?” It’s the closest I’ve come to saying no to him.
“We’ve talked about this.” Michael’s tone is measured patience with an edge of irritation, the tone he uses a lot when we he talks to me. “I don’t want to spend the next year of my life without you. Korea isn’t a jump across the country. I can’t just fly in to see you like I have been.”
“Most people wouldn’t be able to fly in to see me like you have been here,” I point out to him.
“I know that.” He looks at me earnestly. “I just want time with you. Real time. I'm tired of the long-distance thing. We need time to build this before we make the big leap.”
The big leap.
He has this all planned out. A year together in Korea, traveling when we can. Getting to know each other better, and then “the big leap.”
He wants to marry me. I haven't said yes to that either.
“What if I’m not ready?”
“That’s the point, Jess. To get to know each other better, to be ready when the time comes.”
“What if I don’t want this?”
His eyes widen and then narrow. “What’s going on, Jess? Why are you getting cold feet all of a sudden?”
“All of a sudden?” My voice raises. “I haven’t once said I wanted to move to Korea, to spend the year there with you, or any of it.”
“Of course you have,” Michael sounds like he’s talking to a child. “We’ve been talking about it for months.”
“No, you’ve been talking about it for months.” My defiance shocks me. At the same time, I don’t understand how he can’t know this is how I feel. I’ve been silently going along with all of it, but I’ve never once responded with anything close to enthusiasm.
His voice lowers to a gentle note. “What’s wrong, babe? This isn’t like you.”
But it is like me, I know it is. It’s like I was before. Before I crawled inside my own head, and stopped feeling. Before I stopped standing up for myself.
“Did something happen when you went home last weekend?”
“I told you. Tyler was in a car accident.” I avoid his eyes. There’s more, a lot more that happened when I was home. I can’t tell him whose car Tyler wrecked, or that I saw Jacob. I can’t tell him I did more than that—that I kissed Jacob.
He sighs as if he’s found his answer. “That must have really shaken you up—coming close to losing another brother.” He pulls me into his arms. “I”m sorry. I’ve been insensitive. I was just excited to show you the apartment. How is Tyler?”
“He’s okay. But in a lot of trouble. He wrecked the car street racing.”
“Really?” Michael shakes his head in disbelief. “I guess acting out is a common grief thing for a teenager. Did he wreck your mom’s car or your dad’s truck?”
“Neither,” I pause. Any more questions will bring us dangerously close to the truth I’m not ready to face.
Michael must sense my hesitation. “Whose car was it?”
“Jacob’s.”
Michael whistles. “Wow. I can’t believe Ricks would do something so stupid. I mean, I know that he’s reckless, but letting a sixteen-year-old kid street race?”
“It wasn’t his fault.” He’s saying the exact thing that I said to Jacob, the same accusations, but I feel like I need to defend Jacob. “Tyler told him he was taking it on a date.”
“And Jacob believed him?” Michael lets out an exasperated breath. “I’m not sure I buy that, Jess. He had to know–”
“Can we talk about something else?”
“Right, sorry.” Michael studies me for a second, but instead of changing the subject, he asks, “Did you see Jacob while you were there?”
“Yes. They called him to the accident scene, and then he came by the house.” I’ve become an expert at keeping my emotions in check, but I can’t keep my voice steady.
“And?” Michael probes.
“And he talked to Tyler. He was really nice about the whole thing. He told him it was okay, that they would work things out. He’s really been good for Tyler.”
“Yeah, good enough to almost get him killed.”
My voices raises without my permission. “I told you it wasn’t Jacob’s fault. Didn’t you just say acting out like that was a grief thing? Tyler did something dumb. Why does it have to be anyone’s fault but his own?”
Michael is nodding. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Forget I said anything. How is Jacob doing?” He tries to sound casual, but I catch the suspicion in his voice.
I avoid his gaze. “I didn’t talk to him very long.
I...” I’m desperate for another subject.
My barrier is so weak it’s almost transparent.
Talking about Jacob is only going to make it worse.
I reach for Michael’s phone. “Let me see the apartment again. How big did you say it was? I was thinking I could do some kind of study abroad, so I can still graduate on time. I could check with the university.”
He smiles with relief. “That would be awesome. I'll see if my dad can pull some strings.”
I catch Angelica standing in the doorway. She’s shaking her head at me.